My colleague is making me feel uncomfortable

[CopperCoinCollector]

Apologies as this will be quite long.

Worked with colleague for around 18 months. We are cleaners in a specific area of a hospital.
I clean half the area and he cleans the other half. Very separate sections and easy to see who’s ‘side’ is whose.

Mostly we get on and chat happily when our paths cross and at the end of our shift etc.

I’ve noticed over the last 6 months or so that he seems to be ‘checking up’ on me a fair bit.
Some examples are;
I’ll send a quick text to someone and he’ll pop up from somewhere saying ‘caught you’ in a jokey way. Which isn’t really a problem and I would just laugh it off.

If I need to leave the area to get supplies, see my manager or something he will be annoyed when I return, he will say ‘where did you go?’ ‘You’ve been gone ages’

Often when I start my shift he’ll make ‘jokes’ about me taking my time or slacking off (he voluntarily starts 20 mins early to get ahead of himself, I don’t feel the need to)
Sometimes I’ll have been grabbing supplies so have started work but not arrived on the area at my start time (my manager has no problem with this)

It’s got worse though.
I will hear a noise and turn around to find him there, he looks a bit startled and says he was ‘just looking for me for (excuse)’

One particular incident recently I said I was going to the loo, when I next saw him I’d been back working for a while and he said
‘There you are, you’ve been gone ages, I even stood outside the loo and tried the door after a while but it was locked. I knocked and you ignored me’

I explained that I’d been back at work for a good 10 minutes and the loo he’d been waiting outside of wasn’t the one I’d used anyway. And he rolled his eyes and huffed off, I don’t think he believed me.

I spoke to my manager and she had a word with us both together. She asked him why he was checking up on me and he said he wasn’t.
She said to him that he didn’t need to check up on me because if that was necessary then that would be up to her so if he wanted to discuss anything he could go to her and she will help.
She also pointed out that even if I wasn’t pulling my weight it would be no reflection on his work as our sections are separate and that in any case the area as a whole always passes it’s inspections.

Yesterday I had a bad day, it’s been a bad year with too much bereavement, family worries and a particular family member was yesterday undergoing tests to see if they are going to be more severely ill than was first thought so I was a bit ‘off’ I admit.

I started work on time and was a bit relieved thinking that he wouldn’t have any reason to make a ‘joke’
I was looking forward to just getting on with my work.
Within 5 minutes he was there, he looked suspicious and said ‘you’re eager’ so I replied that I was starting my shift at the time I’m supposed to and he asked me what was wrong.
I didn’t want to discuss it so I replied that I was fine and asked how he was, he replied that he was fine and went away. And stayed away.
Very unusual for him as he usually makes a point of ‘checking up’ a few times so I was actually quite glad.

End of the shift comes and he said ‘are you feeling better now then? You were really horrible to me earlier’
I replied that I was fine and if I seemed a bit off he wasn’t to take it personally.

At this he stormed off and slammed the door!

We work evenings so I will have to face him again later and I’m a bit worried.
I feel like I should apologise but I’m not sure what for?

Shall I just go in with a clean slate and try to be in a better mood?

What do you think of all this?

I'd make the list and have it culminate first in the toilet incident, and then the aggressive behaviour and ignoring you since you complained and refused to accept his gaslighting you. This is important - DON'T describe yourself as having been 'off' with him, from your description you weren't! I would say:
'Finally the other day after the manager had a word, we started shift and I was polite but didn't encourage conversation, he made an inapropriate dig about me being keen as I was alreaady working when he came into the room, then asked me what was wrong as I stayed neutral and didn't respond to this. I said I didn't want to discuss it. At the end of the shift, he approached me and described me as having been 'really horrible' to him earlier. I didn't accept this either and was pretty short with him telling him not to take things personally if I was quiet. Since then he has really gone into overdrive and I would now describe him as aggressive towards me - ignoring me, blanking me, making a point of storming off at the end of a shift. I cannot work with this person any longer and do not feel safe with him.'

If he is ignoring you I doubt escalating that will be effective. Though it sounds irritating, I think you’re better waiting to see if he continues with ignoring you and being silent. If so, they’ll probably say that he is leaving you alone. They can’t force a specific tone or style of interaction and if he has indeed stopped the harassment that’s progress even if he flounces off at the end to try to wind you up. He probably won’t keep it up long.

Yes please do not apologise! He seems like he wants attention from you any which way he can and he will turn any words of apology against you. Agree with previous posters, just coolly ignore ignore ignore. Obviously don't be rude or sharp just do all you can to only engage with him on a very basic level.

Jesus, he sounds absolutely infuriating beyond belief. He’s constantly monitoring your movements, even on the toilet. I’d have snapped by now. What a sad, pathetic busybody.

Absolutely escalate, no one deserves to feel like this at work. His behaviour is extremely odd.

I wouldnt apologise, I would just report back to your manager about how he hasnt listened to what she said and he is still harassing you. You want to get on with your work and he is preventing you from doing so or making you feel anxious about work.

I could have written your post 10 years ago OP... I used to work in a big chains clothing stock warehouse fulfilling orders. I'd have a floor or area assigned daily, and so would my colleagues. Each of the aisles were densly lined with clothes to fulfill your order and you'd work to an order on your wee strapped on computer often not seeing folk for hours. A colleague started hiding in areas, jumping out to 'surprise me', would hide and watch me, be waiting outside toilets waaaay away from his area
etc. (he asked me out several times so different situation) but the behaviour is almost identical. He'd strop, huff, and several interventions with my manager didn't work neither did him moving area. Eventually I had to be pretty blunt with him (was sooo not in my nature!) and he tried every emotional trick in the book to make me the bad guy but eventually left me alone after.

Don't be afraid to tell him exactly how his behaviour is affecting your work, it's not acceptable and if he continues you will report him and keep reporting him. Just remain civil but don't otherwise engage with him, it's hard when you work in close quarters but bet it's easier than putting up with his nonsense!!

I think you should keep a log each shift - just time and what happened, very brief. Once you have several incidents talk to your manager and tell her this is making you very uncomfortable. Tell her you like working there, want to do a good job but this is harrassment (or bordering on harrassment if you don't feel it's got that far).

You shouldn't feel you have to do this but can you be on opposite shifts to him for a while or avoid him in other ways. Plus if you have separate areas why is he spending so much time in your area? I think that's a valid point to ask her.

He's obsessive/stalkerish & probably has form for this: psychologically people have default patterns of behaviour they follow & it's unconscious, hardwired & difficult to change if they're not self aware. IME I had to be brutal & say stop pestering me a few times, then it stopped. You sound like I was, too nice: & his issues have made him misinterpret that. Log every incident & wear headphones & keep ever interaction to a short 'I'm busy, please go away'.

I'd go in tomorrow and ask to be moved, his behaviour is making you so uncomfortable.

People like him are not worth the stress

Op, email what has happened to your manager, an email can be used as a legal document, it is time stamped and helps to keep a 'paper' trail record.

All of it, the examples that you have posted here.

Good luck and stay safe.

Copper, I've had the exact same situation. Creepy coworker would just not leave me alone! Turned out he had a crush on me (he had a wife and children!) and was quite annoyed when I didn't reciprocate! Started leaving me random creepy love notes everywhere. So please don't apologise and report this guy. He obviously has a problem!

FizzyGreenWater has it right. Do not underplay this and do NOT let it go.

He was hounding you through a fucking toilet door??? (Or so he thought). That kind of behaviour never ends with "and he got the hint, realised the error of his ways and we worked happily ever after."

Kick up a huge stink in a professional way. This freak has made your workplace unsafe for you.

I know you mention that you like your section, but I would suggest if you can that you do actually move. If he moves he still knows you’re working a specific are. Whereas if you move, he’s unlikely to know whereabouts you are.

I know that sounds shit - you shouldn’t have to do anything but it may be a little safer.

We work evenings so I will have to face him again later and I’m a bit worried. I feel like I should apologise but I’m not sure what for?

The feeling of needing to apologise is because this man has been deliberately wrong-footing you for a long time. He is undermining you with his constant, unnecessary checking-up & obsessive observation of you. The weird episode of knocking on the loo door is so ... wrong, I think you should have a quiet wird with your manager about it.

This time, you must let your manager know that fobbing you off with She asked him why he was checking up on me and he said he wasn’t is NOT going to be good enough. You need her to advise him to stop watching you, commenting on your timekeeping, any absences from his sight, & CERTAINLY not following you to the loo - or anywhere.

This man is controlling & creepy.
Get is logged with your manager, & make sure she & HR are aware of your concerns.

If he's still off with you this evening just mention you apologise if you were short with him but as said before, he is not to take it personally and it is not a reflection on him.

OP - do NOT apologise to him.
Firstly, you have done nothing wrong.
Secondly - he will interpret an apology as you handing him a lever.

You need to engage with him as little as possible.

I think last night was partly my fault.

OP - why do you think that?

You owe this guy NOTHING.
Not even your time.

He is acting very oddly around you, you MUST stop engaging with him.
Escalate with your manager.
Above all - you need to stop believing that you can deal with this man as if he respects normal social boundaries. He doesn't.

Close yourself off from him. His behaviour is markedly odd, & many a woman would have told him to fuck off by now. Stop buying into the partiarchal nonsense that you need to placate, appease, or facilitate him in any way.

patriarchal
(sorry!)

Thank you so much everyone, I am reading every single reply carefully and think I’ve learnt a lot!
I will continue to stand up for myself and follow much of the advice I’ve been given here, I’m so very grateful.

OP, you've done nothing wrong and shouldn't have to move section. He should be sacked for gross misconduct.

Hi copper how did last night go?

Did you manage to have a proper chat with the manager?

Hi, thanks for asking.
My manager is off this week (I hadn’t realised this!) and someone I don’t know very well is standing in for her so I kept my head down and did/said nothing. Pathetic I know.

He kept himself to himself to be fair, still left before me but no storming off.

That's no too bad then- let's hope the rest of the week goes as well.

Hi Op. Are you ok? Have the last two days been ok? I hope this will be resolved.

If he does his popping up thing in the meantime you could say "shouldn't you be doing some work?" Make him realise that you're aware he's following you around and not doing his own job