My colleague is making me feel uncomfortable

[CopperCoinCollector]

Apologies as this will be quite long.

Worked with colleague for around 18 months. We are cleaners in a specific area of a hospital.
I clean half the area and he cleans the other half. Very separate sections and easy to see who’s ‘side’ is whose.

Mostly we get on and chat happily when our paths cross and at the end of our shift etc.

I’ve noticed over the last 6 months or so that he seems to be ‘checking up’ on me a fair bit.
Some examples are;
I’ll send a quick text to someone and he’ll pop up from somewhere saying ‘caught you’ in a jokey way. Which isn’t really a problem and I would just laugh it off.

If I need to leave the area to get supplies, see my manager or something he will be annoyed when I return, he will say ‘where did you go?’ ‘You’ve been gone ages’

Often when I start my shift he’ll make ‘jokes’ about me taking my time or slacking off (he voluntarily starts 20 mins early to get ahead of himself, I don’t feel the need to)
Sometimes I’ll have been grabbing supplies so have started work but not arrived on the area at my start time (my manager has no problem with this)

It’s got worse though.
I will hear a noise and turn around to find him there, he looks a bit startled and says he was ‘just looking for me for (excuse)’

One particular incident recently I said I was going to the loo, when I next saw him I’d been back working for a while and he said
‘There you are, you’ve been gone ages, I even stood outside the loo and tried the door after a while but it was locked. I knocked and you ignored me’

I explained that I’d been back at work for a good 10 minutes and the loo he’d been waiting outside of wasn’t the one I’d used anyway. And he rolled his eyes and huffed off, I don’t think he believed me.

I spoke to my manager and she had a word with us both together. She asked him why he was checking up on me and he said he wasn’t.
She said to him that he didn’t need to check up on me because if that was necessary then that would be up to her so if he wanted to discuss anything he could go to her and she will help.
She also pointed out that even if I wasn’t pulling my weight it would be no reflection on his work as our sections are separate and that in any case the area as a whole always passes it’s inspections.

Yesterday I had a bad day, it’s been a bad year with too much bereavement, family worries and a particular family member was yesterday undergoing tests to see if they are going to be more severely ill than was first thought so I was a bit ‘off’ I admit.

I started work on time and was a bit relieved thinking that he wouldn’t have any reason to make a ‘joke’
I was looking forward to just getting on with my work.
Within 5 minutes he was there, he looked suspicious and said ‘you’re eager’ so I replied that I was starting my shift at the time I’m supposed to and he asked me what was wrong.
I didn’t want to discuss it so I replied that I was fine and asked how he was, he replied that he was fine and went away. And stayed away.
Very unusual for him as he usually makes a point of ‘checking up’ a few times so I was actually quite glad.

End of the shift comes and he said ‘are you feeling better now then? You were really horrible to me earlier’
I replied that I was fine and if I seemed a bit off he wasn’t to take it personally.

At this he stormed off and slammed the door!

We work evenings so I will have to face him again later and I’m a bit worried.
I feel like I should apologise but I’m not sure what for?

Shall I just go in with a clean slate and try to be in a better mood?

What do you think of all this?

How are you, OP? How has your week been?

Take notes and ask to be moved.

Uh oh... silence... check all back rooms at your local hospital!

OP how do you travel home after your shift? Please be careful and try not to travel alone. I wouldn’t put it past him to follow you and attack you once he realises he isn’t winning

@CopperCoinCollector sorry for not fully reading all of the comments from others before posting this.

Please write down everything from now on! Dates times locations and a description of the incident happening even if you don't feel like it's a big deal. I had an incident happen at my work and eventually after about a year I went to my manager with my notepad full of things.

There is something very strange about this man. He seems fixated on you (possibly because he is single). A lot of his characteristics seem abusive and concerning / alarming. Especially the toilet incident!

The way I deal with situations like this is I try to confront them but be more sarcastic and a little bit of a bitch at the same time. Like when he is keeping tabs on you, say something like "oh you took your time checking up on me today". (With a bit sarcastic smile on my face). So that he knows that you are aware he is doing things and maybe he would back off a little bit and not to make things more obvious. Also with him going in a childish huff with you, when he storms out say something "aww are you in a rush? I'll just see you tomorrow then" or something. Not everything works with everyone but as for a 26 y/o it's worked with a 35 y/o weird colleague.

I’ve not read all the comments but he immediately sounds like he could be on the autistic spectrum. He may not be able to help his poor social skills.

Hi OP. Happy Christmas! Did everything sort itself out in the end?

I thought I would update as I’ve not been back to this thread for a while and I saw someone mention that they wondered how things are on that ‘what happened there?’ type thread that was posted earlier.

Also updating because it’s past 4am and I haven’t slept and this situation is playing on my mind now.

I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t escalate anything. Mainly because either he or I have been taking quite a bit of annual leave so I’ve not been around him much.

I decided to just not be as friendly and have been making a point of being professional.

I do still have some concerns though.

He’s mainly been okay and I really thought he was going to stop but I’ve noticed a few things he’s done that aren’t right.

The main things are that he’s still ‘checking up’ on me, not as often, perhaps once a shift and sometimes not at all.

He uses different entrances I’ve noticed too and sometimes uses a clinic room on his side that has a connecting door to a clinic room on my side, rather than a proper entrance.

He made an inappropriate comment asking me if I’d like it if a certain coworker ‘slapped my arse’ it was asked in a jokey way but he hasn’t ever spoken to me like that before or since.

Then last night, he was all helpful helping me to clear away my stuff because he was finished before me.
Then asked me if I would lock up as he needed to go out to make a call.

So I waited about 5 minutes, just getting my coat, checking phone etc. and went to leave. The corridor we normally leave down had the lights off so I walked down another way, it brings me out at the bottom of the corridor with the lights out.
Walked out of the door and he was stood halfway back up the corridor in the dark.
He quickly joined me and said ‘oh you went the other way, I was planning to make you jump’ in a jokey way so I just laughed and said I’m obviously going to choose the well lit way.

I didn’t even think anything of it until I’m lay here piecing it all together now.

So it’s still going on.

I’ve continued to mention most things to my manager but I’m not sure she’s taking it seriously anymore. Just rolls her eyes and calls him creepy etc.
I’ll tell her tonight about him waiting in the corridor last night.

I’m also telling my DP everything too so he’s aware. Then I’m lay here awake thinking why do I want him to be aware? In case something bad happens to me?

I’m sorry it’s such a shit update.

@CopperCoinCollector

It sounds like he has an unhealthy obsession with you and is stalking you in the workplace. I would report him to the police because men like this can become dangerous when they are rejected.

@CopperCoinCollector the corridor thing is properly creepy! You definitely need to escalate this now.

He needs an official reprimand/warning. If he's stalking or 'monitoring' you, he isn't focussing on his own job, is he? Waiting in the dark to startle you is a thoroughly nasty bit of power play from a man who is clueless about the risks women have to take and the fears we carry in a world where every man is a potential predator. Jumping out at you was a really dumb and insensitive idea and I'm so glad your commonsense precautions left him waiting. I hope he was left feeling particularly stupid.

I wouldn't be apologising and I would be reporting the whole sequence, with dates. I hope your line manager gives him a different rôle and a different shift pattern!

Thing is, it's highly unlikely you're the first female colleague he's tried to unnerve with his creepy, stalky ways. He may have a list of offences; you wouldn't be told but the manager would know. One more report - yours - might put him out of you life for good, and good riddance!

He's treating you like the entertainment for his shift. If he ever made you squeal in fright his dream would come true. He needs someone to out the brakes on and it's not in your job description!

If your manager doesn't act after your string of complaints, go straight to her line manager, or to HR. Are you in a union? I hope stalker guy isn't your rep, but if so, go over his head to the regional rep.

If I were you I’d make clear to your manager that you want this dealt with formally, not just her rolling her eyes and sympathising with you.

His behaviour seems to be escalating; and by working in the evenings in a quieter workspace with him you are incredibly vulnerable.

I’ve been thinking about going above my manager with this.

When I tell her about the corridor thing I’m going to tell her that I want to take it higher if there’s nothing more she can do.

I am in a union yes and no, thankfully he’s not the rep.

I’ve just been reading over this whole thread and remembering how determined I felt that I would stand up to him.

All it took was for my manager to be off that week and him toning down his behaviour for me to sort of just get on with things.

It’s only little things and the only thing that happens often is the checking up. He stopped that for a while too but it’s slowly creeping back up.

I really need my manager to back me up with this as she’s the only person at work that I’ve told about this so I don’t want her making out it’s not that bad.

On the face of it it could end up with me going to her line manager complaining that my colleague jokes about too much, if you get what I mean? As he always says he’s joking, and perhaps he thinks he is.

You have to report this. Please. This man potentially sounds very dangerous, and I think your gut is telling you the same thing.

I do think my gut is telling me something.

I didn’t say before but I think I knew he’d be in the corridor, I certainly wasn’t surprised when he was.

I mean, maybe he was just going to try to scare me as a joke. But it just seems a bit off.

As a manager I would deal with this. It's helpful to be specific about incidents and the recent thing where he waited in a corridor is a very good one. Think about what you want the outcome to be e.g. that he is moved to another area, that he is asked to stop certain behaviour - and ask your manager if this can be done. Then report again and again if it isn't fixed. If you are continuing along giving the signal that it's okay others (your manager) will groove along with that, Start the change by saying that it's not acceptable behaviour in the workplace, that you feel undermined, stressed etc and that you expect management to deal with his behaviour.

Sorry, I know when you are reporting you're not really sampling it's okay, I meant that you need to now put it more strongly on your manager to tackle it rather that just agree he's a creep. It's not okay for him to be a creep. IYSWIM.

He was waiting for you in a corridor where he had turned the lights off. This is really chilling. Please escalate this and make sure that you are safe at work.

Woa! You're downplaying his behaviour too much! He sounds dangerous

OP,
The toilet incident alone is serious enough for you to escalate further. He sounds potentially dangerous and I think you should insist he is moved because his behavior is intimidating and making you anxious and uncomfortable

The corridoor thing is proper creepy. I think your manager may be feeling a little out of her depth herself with it - to joke with you that it's "creepy" but let it go like that's alright is not very professional.

One specific thing I've noticed is that you've said he startles you quite often and this is clearly at least some of the time, on purpose. He's laughing about it and making a joke of it and you're laughing along with him, but this is actually pretty intimidating. It's one of the ways in which he is creepy - making you jump. Being in places that he shouldn't really be in but you should and then surprising you is intimidating because he's making it clear you are vulnerable and he knows it. and he does it again and again. Maybe try telling him you may have thought it was amusing the first time but it's got old quickly and you don't want him doing it ever again, if you're worried about being direct with him then this might be something to highlightto your manager - though I worry she will only ever tackle discrete behaviours and not the way all those behaviours build up into harrasement.

OP I agree with PP, it does sound chilling. He appears to be gradually pushing boundaries to see what he can get away with without repercussions from management.. and he thinks he's safe in that he's only had a gentle informal conversation. Escalate and report it, tell others what's happening, it sounds stalker ish and obsessional and without being overly dramatic, theses things can quickly become dangerous.

"I'm only joking"

"You've got no sense of humour"

"Lighten up"

These are the ways that bullies excuse their unacceptable behaviour. A "joke" means it's hard to pin anything on them - it covers a multitude of sins.

Go you your manager and to the union if necessary (he's probably a member of the union , too, though, so expect some kickback from him).

This is NOT a "joke" - this is bullying and harassment. Because your manager was off, and you lost the immediate impetus to take this further a couple of weeks ago, he thinks he's got away with it and his behaviour is starting to escalate again.

He has deliberately tried to manoeuvre you into a position where he could frighten you.

Don't respond in a friendly way to his comments, no matter how "jokey" he is being. I know it's difficult - our whole instinct is to make people feel comfortable, but that's not your job. Don't laugh at his stupid "jokes" - keep relations between you cool and only talk about work-related issues.

You must feel incredibly vulnerable and you need to get this over to your manager. Ask her how SHE would feel, working alone with a man who was playing this sort of mind game. Tell her you intend to escalate it if she doesn't do something now you will have no choice but to go over her head. Remind her that as your employer the hospital has a duty of care for your safety - and you don't feel safe.

If possible, you want him moved; if necessary, you will move. Either way he needs to be told unequivocally that his actions are totally unacceptable.

Another poster has said that he would have loved it if he had made you squeal - he would! Had you wet yourself or fainted he would have been over the moon (though he'd have covered it up with fake concern.)

Do NOT accept this sort of behaviour as a joke. The next time he "needs to make a phone call" - make sure you need to leave spot on time. You don't have to give a reason - this is none of his business.

There is something wrong with this sort of person (and I don't mean that they are on any spectrum - they are just horrible). I'll bet you aren't the first woman he has made to feel uncomfortable, and I doubt you'll be the last. Probably no-one has felt able to challenge him before because he's "only joking". If he tries that shit on, remind people that you don't find it funny and it needs to stop. Tell them you don't care if everyone thinks you are a humourlessly trout - it has to stop.

I'm not sure that this sort of behaviour can be reported to the police - but that I mean that they would take it seriously - but it's something worth bearing in mind.

Would your partner be able to meet you after work a couple of times so that your colleague sees you aren't unsupported? It may give him a kick to have worried you so much, but might make you feel better. Or go off sick with stress - it sounds as though you are on the edge at the moment. Even just speaking to your GP and getting it on the record that you are upset and anxious because of his behaviour might be useful amnion in the future.

I do hope you get it sorted - it's dreadful.

Checking on you in a toilet is worrying AF.

He has a bad temper - storming off slamming the door

He asked about your arse being slapped, that is WAY out of line, very very inappropriate

And generally appearing in dark corridors - his behaviour is intimidating and I would say abusive/harassment - but it is sort of covert/sneaky.

You need to report him, go as high as possible until it's taken seriously. This guy is harassing you imo. It does not matter if it's done in a ''jokey'' way - that is how abusive people often get away with stuff like what he's doing.

Are there cctv in the bits you work in? Are there other people around when you work in case you needed to call for help from anyone? If not, sounds like your managers aren't creating a safe place for you to work. Surely that's against the law? Because it sounds like you're a lone female with a male in an unsafe work place tbh.