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Original poster

My colleague is making me feel uncomfortable

324 replies

CopperCoinCollector · 15/11/2019 13:30

Apologies as this will be quite long.

Worked with colleague for around 18 months. We are cleaners in a specific area of a hospital.
I clean half the area and he cleans the other half. Very separate sections and easy to see who’s ‘side’ is whose.

Mostly we get on and chat happily when our paths cross and at the end of our shift etc.

I’ve noticed over the last 6 months or so that he seems to be ‘checking up’ on me a fair bit.
Some examples are;
I’ll send a quick text to someone and he’ll pop up from somewhere saying ‘caught you’ in a jokey way. Which isn’t really a problem and I would just laugh it off.

If I need to leave the area to get supplies, see my manager or something he will be annoyed when I return, he will say ‘where did you go?’ ‘You’ve been gone ages’

Often when I start my shift he’ll make ‘jokes’ about me taking my time or slacking off (he voluntarily starts 20 mins early to get ahead of himself, I don’t feel the need to)
Sometimes I’ll have been grabbing supplies so have started work but not arrived on the area at my start time (my manager has no problem with this)

It’s got worse though.
I will hear a noise and turn around to find him there, he looks a bit startled and says he was ‘just looking for me for (excuse)’

One particular incident recently I said I was going to the loo, when I next saw him I’d been back working for a while and he said
‘There you are, you’ve been gone ages, I even stood outside the loo and tried the door after a while but it was locked. I knocked and you ignored me’

I explained that I’d been back at work for a good 10 minutes and the loo he’d been waiting outside of wasn’t the one I’d used anyway. And he rolled his eyes and huffed off, I don’t think he believed me.

I spoke to my manager and she had a word with us both together. She asked him why he was checking up on me and he said he wasn’t.
She said to him that he didn’t need to check up on me because if that was necessary then that would be up to her so if he wanted to discuss anything he could go to her and she will help.
She also pointed out that even if I wasn’t pulling my weight it would be no reflection on his work as our sections are separate and that in any case the area as a whole always passes it’s inspections.

Yesterday I had a bad day, it’s been a bad year with too much bereavement, family worries and a particular family member was yesterday undergoing tests to see if they are going to be more severely ill than was first thought so I was a bit ‘off’ I admit.

I started work on time and was a bit relieved thinking that he wouldn’t have any reason to make a ‘joke’
I was looking forward to just getting on with my work.
Within 5 minutes he was there, he looked suspicious and said ‘you’re eager’ so I replied that I was starting my shift at the time I’m supposed to and he asked me what was wrong.
I didn’t want to discuss it so I replied that I was fine and asked how he was, he replied that he was fine and went away. And stayed away.
Very unusual for him as he usually makes a point of ‘checking up’ a few times so I was actually quite glad.

End of the shift comes and he said ‘are you feeling better now then? You were really horrible to me earlier’
I replied that I was fine and if I seemed a bit off he wasn’t to take it personally.

At this he stormed off and slammed the door!

We work evenings so I will have to face him again later and I’m a bit worried.
I feel like I should apologise but I’m not sure what for?

Shall I just go in with a clean slate and try to be in a better mood?

What do you think of all this?

OP posts:
Gogreen · 16/11/2019 15:51

Firstly this is harassment, secondly, it sounds like he thinks his your boyfriend...not that boyfriends should act like that at all, but his behaviour is very worrying. Be a little careful OP, some men like this can be dangerous.

Original poster
CopperCoinCollector · 16/11/2019 15:55

@Gogreen thank you, the more comments I see here the more I feel like maybe I should look into being moved.
I’d recommend whoever replaces me to be a man too I think, perhaps a man will swap areas with me?

It pisses me off though, I like where I work!

OP posts:
Original poster
CopperCoinCollector · 16/11/2019 16:30

Also, my DP has said that about him acting like a jealous boyfriend.

It’s amazing how someone else’s actions can make you question yourself and wonder if you did something to deserve it Sad

OP posts:
worriedmumtoteen · 16/11/2019 16:35

No, don’t apologise. You have nothing to apologise for.

Don’t try to ‘be in a better mood’ - why do you need to appease him? So long as you’re not growling round the workplace, you’re fine.

He is harassing and stalking you. I’d write down everything that has happened in the last two days - the ignoring, the storming off - and contact your manager. He’s been warned.

Does he do this to anyone else?

Original poster
CopperCoinCollector · 16/11/2019 16:38

@worriedmumtoteen as far as I know it’s only me.
I’m glad I’ve got this thread, I’ll be writing some notes and putting some suggestions to my manager on Monday.

OP posts:
worriedmumtoteen · 16/11/2019 16:38

Good. Let us know how you get on.

Original poster
CopperCoinCollector · 16/11/2019 16:39

I’m so upset that I’ve become someone’s ‘victim’ again Sad
And also angry Angry I will stand up to him!

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 16/11/2019 17:54

The more I think about it, the more I think that Adorabelle is right, and that they MUST be able to move him.

Gallivespian · 16/11/2019 18:09

OP, you've just been unlucky enough to fall into the path of someone with major issues. It's nothing you've brought on yourself, and in fact nothing to do with you at all -- he may well have harassed whoever shared his shift and area. Don't feel at all apologetic. Think of him as someone you were unlucky enough to bump into on the street through no fault of your own, and who swore at you.

Do act to get yourself out of this situation and don't fall back into minimising it but nothing in this is in any way your fault.

Original poster
CopperCoinCollector · 16/11/2019 18:47

@BitOfFun I think she must mean they can’t just move him after the informal chat, so perhaps if I escalate this then they will be able to, even just subtly.

@Gallivespian thank you, I know it’s not my fault really but it’s hard to understand why someone would act this way without any real reason.

OP posts:
MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 17/11/2019 09:29

We're just moving this over to AIBU at OP's request. Flowers

Original poster
CopperCoinCollector · 17/11/2019 10:18

AIBU to escalate this now? Or do I wait and see if this latest incident is him realising he’s in the wrong and see if he changes his ways?

OP posts:
PearlsBeforeWine · 17/11/2019 10:23

No. Escalate now.

BitOfFun · 17/11/2019 10:48

I'd strike while the iron is hot, otherwise you will just be stewing until the next incident, like waiting for the second shoe to drop. He has drained enough of your energy already.

Jimmers · 17/11/2019 10:57

Of course the manager can move him to another area - it’s ridiculous that they’re saying otherwise.
Definitely write everything down & if you’re in a union speak to your rep.
This is harassment and they should be dealing with the perpetrators behaviour not masking the problem by moving you.
Good luck OP.

MyNewBearTotoro · 17/11/2019 11:01

I would escalate it. He’s giving you the silent treatment as an attempt to get power over the situation and to try and make you bend over to him and apologise. The whole time he is consciously ignoring you he is stewing over it and likely getting angrier and angrier. He won’t just shrug it off and stay ignoring you forever, at some point he will realise his attempt at control is failing and will try something else and he will be fuelled by anger.

Even if on Monday he’s acting like nothings happened I would be concerned that he’s annoyed you ‘won’ his attempt to have power over the situation and will just be looking for some other way to feel like he gains the upper hand again. He obviously doesn’t see you as an equal and you shouldn’t have to work in an environment where somebody else is making you feel uncomfortable.

I hope your manager is able to sort it out and move one of you to another area.

Lifeisabeach09 · 17/11/2019 11:08

I think I will apologise for being off yesterday and remind him that he’s not to take it personally.

Do not apologise.

This man is trying to exert power over you. Do not let him. Be firm and cool and keep referring him to your manager.

OneDay10 · 17/11/2019 11:09

He sounds downright creepy and a bit disturbed. I would be a bit scared tbh. Absolutely escalate and ask to be moved yourself. Unfortunately if he cant be moved then you will have to go even if you love your place - unfair I know.

The thing is he has been obsessive about you at work so far as to following you to the loo. And then you being a bit off doesnt warrant his reaction. It's almost as If he views you both in a relationship and treating you as such. Very disturbing. If anything, for your safety I would ask to be moved.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 17/11/2019 11:16

I know you don’t want to move areas, I understand why and in a way don't think you should be bullied out of it, but I think you must move for two reasons:

  1. he'll know where you are with no digging

  2. it will give him, maybe, a ‘legitimate’ reason to hate you, and he might up his game.

longtimelurkerhelen · 17/11/2019 11:46

Is your manager a woman?

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 17/11/2019 11:49

Just to say also you are not someones victim again copper!

You once you realised (which sometimes is the hardest part) actually no even before you realised because you have been to the manager already even when you thought this wasn't as serious as you do now took charge and have sought advice (here and with dh) then approached the manager and are not allowing yourself to be treated this way how in anyone's book is that a victim?

Anyway the difference is this time even if you do feel like a victim (which if it is, is how you feel and you are entitled to your feelings) is you have come on too far too just be passive in it this time, your past experiences have shown you that you are in control of your rights and safety and you are not going to let someone else take those away from you even if that means going through official channels to force your rights and safety to be preserved (because that is the absolute minimum you deserve), don't you see how different that is from the victim of before?

GoodDogBellaBoo · 17/11/2019 12:12

Every time he asks you where you have been or what you are doing (sending a text or whatever) reply with ’Is there any particular reason why you want to know?’. Then whatever his reply is just say ’ok’ and nothing further. Never ever apologise to a person like that, and never ever give him any information.

Original poster
CopperCoinCollector · 17/11/2019 14:43

Thank you all so much, not looking forward to tomorrow but absolutely not just letting this go.
You’ve all been a great help.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 17/11/2019 15:04

Even if he goes back to “normal” tomorrow you need to escalate this. His behaviour is ridiculous and creepy

FizzyGreenWater · 17/11/2019 15:07

Definitely escalate, use the words 'harrassment' and inappropriate behaviour. Have a list - your OP will cover it all.

Then say quite bluntly you don't feel particularly safe working alongside him and would like to know if he can be moved, and if it requires you to put in an official complaint of harrassment for that to be possible you're quite happy to do it, or speak to the union. Say that as you haven't done anything wrong, you don't feel it's appropriate that you should have to move out of a work area you like and understand.

Be polite and confident and absolutely straight on the fact that you expect them to take action to stop the situation.