My colleague is making me feel uncomfortable

[CopperCoinCollector]

Apologies as this will be quite long.

Worked with colleague for around 18 months. We are cleaners in a specific area of a hospital.
I clean half the area and he cleans the other half. Very separate sections and easy to see who’s ‘side’ is whose.

Mostly we get on and chat happily when our paths cross and at the end of our shift etc.

I’ve noticed over the last 6 months or so that he seems to be ‘checking up’ on me a fair bit.
Some examples are;
I’ll send a quick text to someone and he’ll pop up from somewhere saying ‘caught you’ in a jokey way. Which isn’t really a problem and I would just laugh it off.

If I need to leave the area to get supplies, see my manager or something he will be annoyed when I return, he will say ‘where did you go?’ ‘You’ve been gone ages’

Often when I start my shift he’ll make ‘jokes’ about me taking my time or slacking off (he voluntarily starts 20 mins early to get ahead of himself, I don’t feel the need to)
Sometimes I’ll have been grabbing supplies so have started work but not arrived on the area at my start time (my manager has no problem with this)

It’s got worse though.
I will hear a noise and turn around to find him there, he looks a bit startled and says he was ‘just looking for me for (excuse)’

One particular incident recently I said I was going to the loo, when I next saw him I’d been back working for a while and he said
‘There you are, you’ve been gone ages, I even stood outside the loo and tried the door after a while but it was locked. I knocked and you ignored me’

I explained that I’d been back at work for a good 10 minutes and the loo he’d been waiting outside of wasn’t the one I’d used anyway. And he rolled his eyes and huffed off, I don’t think he believed me.

I spoke to my manager and she had a word with us both together. She asked him why he was checking up on me and he said he wasn’t.
She said to him that he didn’t need to check up on me because if that was necessary then that would be up to her so if he wanted to discuss anything he could go to her and she will help.
She also pointed out that even if I wasn’t pulling my weight it would be no reflection on his work as our sections are separate and that in any case the area as a whole always passes it’s inspections.

Yesterday I had a bad day, it’s been a bad year with too much bereavement, family worries and a particular family member was yesterday undergoing tests to see if they are going to be more severely ill than was first thought so I was a bit ‘off’ I admit.

I started work on time and was a bit relieved thinking that he wouldn’t have any reason to make a ‘joke’
I was looking forward to just getting on with my work.
Within 5 minutes he was there, he looked suspicious and said ‘you’re eager’ so I replied that I was starting my shift at the time I’m supposed to and he asked me what was wrong.
I didn’t want to discuss it so I replied that I was fine and asked how he was, he replied that he was fine and went away. And stayed away.
Very unusual for him as he usually makes a point of ‘checking up’ a few times so I was actually quite glad.

End of the shift comes and he said ‘are you feeling better now then? You were really horrible to me earlier’
I replied that I was fine and if I seemed a bit off he wasn’t to take it personally.

At this he stormed off and slammed the door!

We work evenings so I will have to face him again later and I’m a bit worried.
I feel like I should apologise but I’m not sure what for?

Shall I just go in with a clean slate and try to be in a better mood?

What do you think of all this?

Are you actually feeling physically threatened by his behaviour, OP? If not, and if there are always other people around — I.e. it’s not the two of you alone in a deserted building at night — then I would just stop giving him so much headspace. You’ve wasted enough energy on him.

But either way, I would update your manager when I next saw her.

@IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory thank you so much, I’m going to do that now.

I posted here thinking this was a minor thing but I’m actually beginning to think my colleague is a bit abusive or something.
Never experienced that with a colleague, had an abusive marriage in the past but never thought colleagues would be abusers

For the record, my DP thinks this could all be resolved if I just say ‘fuck off’ to this colleague every time he checks up on me.
I’m not sure I’m allowed to do that

@Sophonax not physically threatened, no.
I’ll update my manager on Monday.
Is it okay that he’s not physically threatening though? Don’t you think the way he’s acting is bad? It’s making me feel bad

Your post gave me shivers. Personally, to me this sounds like the start of stalker/obsession behaviour and not that of someone in the spectrum that someone suggested. Go with your gut, if you feel something is off, it usually is. Is there any chance you can be moved teams to another part of the hospital and he be teamed with another male?

@Kanga83 I’ve been told by manager that I can be moved anytime, but I love my area and don’t see why I should move because of him. I’d want him moved! (I was here first too!)
And perhaps you’re right, I bet he wouldn’t treat a male colleague this way!

There you go then- ask for him to be moved.

@BitOfFun she said she can’t move him unless he asks to be moved.

Bugger

@CopperCoinCollector
I have experienced this before I found the best way to deal with them is ignore as much as you can, be as bright and breezy with the rest of your colleges as you can but keep it cool but polite with him .
He may have a crush on you but that does not give him the excuse to harass you

Keep your manager informed about any contact he has with you .
Take a small note pad into work , when ever nosy sod sticks his ore in take your note pad and pen out and ask him to repeat what he said , you write it down and ask him to sign it .
its amazing how many people retract what they said if they have to put there name on it '
Also when he criticises your work / time keeping / what ever ask him what his job title is ( it may be a idea to check with your manager 1st what his official title is ) and as long he says he holds the same position as you or lower you can tell him to naff off

@IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory, slightly different tact but we are on the same page .
getting things in writing makes them much more real.

Perhaps he thinks that he's superior to you by dint of being a male so he's assumed a supervisor role in his head. He has no idea how to manage an adult work relationship so he's sulking when you don't let him 'manage' you. Like a teenager who thinks they're a grown up whilst acting like a toddler.

He sounds like a right weirdo. Maybe log everything he does as evidence.

I really don’t understand why he was trying the door handle of the toilet and saying your name if he thought you were in there. Strange little man.

I do the same job as you, OP and this is not on. Whether you're slacking or not is absolutely nothing to do with him, if you were it would be picked up on by your manager when she does her audits and it would be for her to deal with. Every time he makes a comment just report it to your manager and let her deal with him.

I've noticed this kind of behaviour a lot in the hospital I work in. I've heard basically every other domestic being spoken about eg. "Sandra does fuck all during her shift bla bla" and it can't be true about every single domestic or the hospital would be failing every inspection. I've wondered if the people doing the bitching feel low because of how cleaning jobs can be looked upon and criticising others works makes them (falsely) feel superior.

Yup this
Maybe log everything he does as evidence.

Sounds like he has potentially planned the twenty mins early starts in order to have time to check in with you.

He does sound potentially atypical, or dangerous in a controllingand manipulative sense.

I'm atypical and learnt the hard way (including being sacked from a job aged 17) about behaviours others find weird, wrong or creepy. It was unintentional and I also used to have some manipulative behaviours (which I managed to stop once I actually understood). I've also been in more than one abusive situation and even encountered a toxic 'friend' this year - I'd not experienced this behaviour in someone I wasn't dating before. And it is just as traumatising.

Hope I'm wrong but it sounds like he could escalate now. Did he start off doing it much less (that you were aware of) when you first started? You do still need to talk to your manager. They need to know that it continued after the meeting and that in response to your being less amiable over the interactions that he has become a little hostile and is trying to get your attention to let you know he's not happy. They need to know that if there is something odd going on with him, that it is possible he could step it up and that you're vulnerable working at night with him with his current record of behaviour.

Fingers crossed this gets nipped in the bud asap.

I doubt he has any kind of ASD. He is a bully. He's amusing himself by making you uncomfortable and acting as though he is your superior. I think misogyny plays a big part in his behaviour: he feels entitled to harass and control women and expects deference from them.
You mentioned that you have previously had an abusive relationship: on some level he will have picked up on this and be aware that you are a little bit vulnerable and someone he can tease and torment... because you have been, at least slightly, conditioned to be afraid of men and respect them.

But it sounds very much as though your manager a) has your back and b) isn't going to let him get away with workplace harassment and bullying.

He tried to get into a toilet he thought you were in? If the door had opened and you had been in there what would he have done? That is so unbelievably inappropriate and I would have reported that. As it was he probably scared the crap out of whoever was in there, and he risked also walking in on a complete stranger too.

Don't let him wear you down. He's in the wrong, he knows it. Just try to sit back and silently laugh at his childishness.

Hang on, he tried to get into a toilet you were in, but your manager can't move him to a different area unless he asks?

How would he ask? 'Hey Manager, I haven't yet managed to walk in on Copper in the bathroom despite really trying, can you move me to another area? But still with someone I could stalk and intimidate, that's great, thank you.'

Creepy as fuck. Agree w PPs. Dont apologise. Stop engaging with him other than to say hi etc. Log everything for yourself and go back to your manager.
Did you tell them about him trying the door when youd gone to the loo?

No, no. You need to escalate.

Women are conditioned to appease others esp. men, not to make people uncomfortable, not to stand up for ourselves. It makes us vulnerable.

You must escalate this.

This guy is dangerous and creepy.

For those asking if he has ASD... Half my family has and we know not to stalk people and creep them out. & I hate that being bandied around as a possible reason. Please stop.

I went to my manager after the loo incident because I thought that was a step too far.
I thought I was handling it okay until he said he’d done that.

That’s when she had a word. It was informal and the hope was to make him aware he was crossing a line.

So the discussion I had with her about moving areas happened then, before he continued with the behaviour.

I keep reading in comments here that women are conditioned to appease, not rock the boat etc. I wouldn’t have thought that was me and would tell anyone that I don’t put up with any crap but I realise that I waited a long time before I properly stood up for myself.

So now I see that he wasn’t bothered by our manager having a word but me standing up to him in not accepting his dig as a ‘joke’ has definitely got him annoyed.

I think it’s right that he’s sort of trying to get a reaction from me by being stroppy and difficult. I think he’s trying to get me to approach him and apologise. I’m not going to. Things might go back to how they were before and I don’t want that.

Is there a formal HR grievance procedure in your workplace. Time to start creating a paper trail so that the company your manager will take you seriously.

I agree, I don’t think he’s taking your manager seriously so you need to escalate this further than her.

Also, wtf about ‘he has to ask’ to be moved? Bollocks. If he’s crossing the line he can be bloody moved. End of.

I think if he carries on making me feel awkward as he is doing now (the stropping) then I’ll have to escalate this.

I’m wondering if perhaps he will stop now anyway as he’s been leaving me alone, right?
In which case what would I escalate?
I can’t go above my manager and say that he was doing these things but has now stopped, can I?
Or can I?

That’s assuming he does stop I guess.