Being a stay at home Mum?

[yummymummy1988]

I'm now a stay at home mum to my 10mo DS, my DH was supportive of my decision not to go back to work. Most days go by fairly quickly, although to be honest we don't do much in the way of going to groups or anything.
Two questions really, do you think I am holding him back by it being the 2 of us at home the majority of the time?
And did you feel like less of a person when you decided to become a SAHM? I have friends and hear of women with babies similar ages who are working FT or running businesses and manage.. I'm home all day and my DH is lucky if he comes home to the bed made and tea in the oven! Just feeling a bit useless really.

But Waddling so did everyone who got divorced. Protecting yourself against something doesn't mean you think it will happen. I have car insurance but I don't start each journey thinking I will have a crash and nor would I say people who genuinely believe they would never crash because they are great drivers shouldn't insure themselves.

Anyway, you are 'insured' if you have the skills for financial independence. I am talking about the many who do not and who genuinely find themselves in dire straits on divorce. They never thought they would get divorced either.

I do see what your saying and for the most part agree, however I’d rather deal with it if the need arose. I’m not ignoring the possibility just choosing what is right for our family now. I would imagine other women in my position have made the conscious decision to choose what they do also.

Karlos that is why I’d draw up a legal agreement first, like a prenup. I have enough friends who’ve been shafted by high earning exes who claim to be on minimal salaries whilst earning loads as dividends. I know you can lose out I’m very conscious of it. My parents’ generation experienced it more fairly I’d say as the examples are of my friends’ parents’ divorces with non working mums. There’s quite a few.
I would have in writing my entitlement to a portion of that money if I gave up work. There are obviously examples from cases that can go either way. I didn’t say I was talking from a ‘legal perspective’, you did. Are you saying you can’t draw up such an agreement beforehand?

Choices are not made in a vacuum. Men don’t choose to SAH.

At the same time everyone is saying you could end up divorced - you could also work and end up redundant and struggle to find work? There’s a chance with everything in life.

Dozer sorry but many do. Your sweeping generalisations are hilarious.

Not many at all according to the Office for National Statistics.

50% of marriages end in divorce.

I’d advise any woman, feminist or not, desire to be a SAHM or not, to keep working. To keep earning. It’s future proofing activity. Against ill-heath or death of main earner, against divorce, against changes to benefit systems or government. It allows you to build up a pension - take any employer contributions going.

It. Just. Makes. Sense.

It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing thing. It’s about finding balance.

My oh would have chose to be sahp if I let him. We knew we wanted someone there for them whilst they were to small to communicate effectively. He had better career potential than me plus I’d have been working ft, doing all the house stuff and picking up the mental load so actually it works out better for me that it’s me. Plus I’m selfish and he couldn’t bf lol.

A Life & critical illness insurance policy protects against death. Don’t select decreasing and if me or my partner dies tomorrow our children and the other person would be far better off.

Dozer sorry but many do
fewer than 5% I would wager and even then, not for a prolonged period. Usually coinciding with voluntary redundancy or self-employment and nowhere near the impact on career as women face.

Waddling the point is that you can't 'worry about it when it happens' because by then it is too late. I used to be a divorce lawyer and I have seen the impact on women who gave up their career and have now realised that they are in their 40s with no relevant work experience, no pension, and are unlikely to get maintenance for a very long time. It's not a nice future to be honest.

True Mustang. My DH and I are worth more to each other dead than alive. But not everyone can afford such policies or may have health reasons that prevent them getting any in the first place (or make them more expensive).
Working and earning is future proofing.

He had better career potential than me plus I’d have been working ft, doing all the house stuff and picking up the mental load so actually it works out better for me that it’s me.

A wider issue is why do women on the whole have lower career potential and why is it always the woman doing all the house stuff and carrying the mental load even when working?

Because I’m an idiot tbh blueberries. I also have tried to split this effectively 50/50 but he seems incapable or unwilling. So for an easy life I do it he has been told in the future if he wishes to go part time and wants to take on more child care he either bucks up with the housekeeping or he pays for a cleaner.

It was just the field I was in it’s very male dominated in the higher roles and I really wasn’t interested in trying to wade through that shit to get somewhere. What I’m retraining in will suit me far better hopefully plus I can either be self employed or employed so I can manage how I go forward with it which is appealing to me.

I’m not a fool though it is very unfair that a lot of women feel forced to make a decision that is not entirely what they want to do.

I'm at SAHM. I love it. Gave up a good career about 2 years ago when DC2 was born. I'm very happy with my decision. DP works full time. Being at home is great if it's your choice. Make sure you get out to lots of groups/library/park and make local friends. For you and for your DC. And see if there's a local playgroup your DC could go to a couple of mornings a week as they get older so they get used to being with other people and you get a break.

I had dd at 42. I gave up work (long hours, high stress) when she was born and I've never really got back. I've enjoyed it but I'm buggered now. I honestly meant to go back when dd started school but it was too complicated. I've had temporary casual jobs but that's it.

Yes, I felt less of a person at the school gates. I found many parents unbearably smug about having kept their careers, but the smuggest were also those who had plenty of free help.

I'm still financially self-sufficient and I've made peace with my "choices". I'm actually rather proud that I've never had help, that I've helped others out, and that I've kept my head above water financially. I've never been bored, I've studied a bit, taken up and passed G8 Piano (at last!) and had a fairly easy time. It's not perfect, but life isn't.

I agree that feminism means having the option to do what works best for your family. It means having choices. And everyone’s choices are equally valid.

However, it’s certainly worth searching in here and you’ll find plenty of threads full of SAHP who are stuffed when their relationships are disintegrating. Also threads of parents who are happy to SAH when they have babies and toddlers but struggle when they have older more self sufficient children and they want to break back into the workplace.

I think most people do what works for them at the time. OP herself has said she has little drive, so she’s hardly going to put herself out on behalf of womankind everywhere. Not everyone has the capacity to think ahead, or people around them to model the behaviours that PPs like Lipstick are describing. It’s too little, too late. Really hope it all works out for you in the long-term OP.

OP: As I say my MIL was the high earner so she went out to work when DH was 4 months, and when I told her I was staying home she said she regretted going out to work so much so early as DH would always run to his dad/grandparents over her. Which would crush me.

OP, I hope you are not basing your choices on this. First of all, this is just a snapshot in time, when your dh was 4 months old, when women did not have up to a year's maternity leave. Lots of women work ft after going back from maternity time and their babies still recognise them. I have used childcare from when each of my dcs (14 and 11) turned 1. They just shrug if they had to change carer, however close, but both their parents are writ absolutely large in their minds.

Obviously you know how you feel and that you like to SAHM, but to trot out this example (more than, I believe) on this thread is somewhat fallacious as it is possible to go back to work and not be blanked by your dcs.

Ive not read the full thread, just giving you my opinion. I'm a sahm to three young children. Dd1 just turned 5, dd2 just turned 3 and ds 9 months. I think you need to be getting out more to get in the routine of it. All well and good staying in now while baby is young but that he will want to do other things as he grows. Also I don't for my sanity! I have one day a week that I stay in the house, this day I do the bulk of the cleaning and maybe some batch cooking. The other days I'm up early, do the school run then with the two little ones we have playgroup twice a week, swimming every other week, trips to the park/museums/aquariums etc. Look at your nearest sure start centre and churches, they often have lots of groups. I would be driven insane staying in all the time.

Yes, it is hard work getting out and about with little ones but once you're used to it its second nature

so many spell check errors ffs

SAHM feels fulfilling and full of precious moments when dcs are young and dependent. Then they go to school and mix with other children and get a sense of their family set up as compared with their peers.

I recently asked both my dcs 14 and 11 whether they preferred me to go to work or be at home for them. Previously, they would probably say they prefer me to pick them up from school. But this time, they both said they preferred me to work. I was a little surprised and asked why. Apparently it is so they can have nice holidays and things.

When they are older, it will be about work experience (which it is easier to access with 2 working parents) and prepping for internship applications. I don't worry that my dcs won't want to holiday with dh and I when they are older - I have the option of bribing them to come on holiday with us. If they need university fees or deposit for a house, we have set something aside.

The advantages of household income become much more evident when dcs are older. Parenting is the longer term picture. Maybe I missed the first steps (the nursery nurses are discreet) but I love it so much now they are older and we can talk on more of an equal footing and I have a bigger world to show them.

I am also a bit as to why post this on a 'back to work' board where people are trying to return to the workplace and then saying that you have no intention of ever returning, that it's better for your DC for you to be at home, and that feminism has 'gone mad'. Surely there is a more appropriate place to post?

Feminism gone too far op. Feminists campaigns got you protective legislation
Legislation many opposed that you take for granted.normalised some Fought against
Feminism normalised women going to uni and working Stuff you take fir granted