Being a stay at home Mum?

[yummymummy1988]

I'm now a stay at home mum to my 10mo DS, my DH was supportive of my decision not to go back to work. Most days go by fairly quickly, although to be honest we don't do much in the way of going to groups or anything.
Two questions really, do you think I am holding him back by it being the 2 of us at home the majority of the time?
And did you feel like less of a person when you decided to become a SAHM? I have friends and hear of women with babies similar ages who are working FT or running businesses and manage.. I'm home all day and my DH is lucky if he comes home to the bed made and tea in the oven! Just feeling a bit useless really.

Not for us. Dh picks up the childcare if something happens on a day we’re both working.

Why does it have to be the woman dozer? It shouldn’t have to fall to women if both are working equal hours the way chosen and ohcrepe have described?

In my situation it will be me most of the time, but that’s because I want it to be. Not because he/society/culture expect it to be. I have willingly made the decision to do it.
On the few days I am working, he picks up childcare if she is unwell because he has more flexibility (as long as it doesn’t happen often).

I’m in your situation. I’m extremely happy with my decision. May be a complete coincidence but my wee boy is performing tasks well past his years and recently had his hv review and she was amazed, he scored very highly.

I was in a supermarket cafe and ladies came and sat at my table as it was very busy, my wee one confidently conversed with them and one said oh he is very good at speaking and the other chimes that will be nursery, I uncomfortably told them I was a sahm at the mo and he doesn’t attend nursery, I always worry of the stigma attached to not sending them and sahm status so try to avoid it in general.

Sorry the above is not a boast but me wee one hasn’t been held back it seems. I do take him to 2/3 toddler groups a week and I have a couple of mum friends that work full time now so we see them when we can to socialise. I think it helps my sanity more than anything but he enjoys them mostly.

I gave up a really good career I just could t bring myself to leave him and I’m really fortunate we can afford it.......just.

My advice make some time for just you when you can. Couple of hours at the weekend to get a cuppa out and read a book, catch up with a friend. It’s really easy to just completely let this consume your identity and leave you questioning what the hell you are doing lol. I’m going back to uni to retrain after iv had my second and looking forward to that a lot but it won’t be for another 18 months or so.

Oh dear.. sorry everyone! I really didn't intend to start any debates! I only expected a few answer max.. fell asleep early last night and woken up to about 100 messages to try to read through!
Thank you all for the messages, some have been really reassuring and have given me some ideas.
I was never forced nor expected to give up my career - DH said it was entirely up to me if I wanted to return FT, PT or not at all. He said he would support me whatever I chose to do, but I chose to not go back at all (my boss even gave me the option of just 1 day per week) because I didn't want to go back. I was sick of being paid to run around after a dentist earning 80k while I was only on 14k, and having no time to myself.
I carried and birthed a baby.. I feel a deserve a few years rest lol! In fairness I am quite lazy DH is massively into his career where as I was never a fan of working, it was really only just so I had money to spend on myself. If it wasn't for my job though we wouldn't have got our mortgage as back then DH's wage wasn't enough to get one, so the fact I did work makes me feel like I contributed.
I keep the house clean but thats cos I like to feel that it looks nice when people are round, I sometimes cook, I do the washing but my Mum does my ironing haha! Most of the time on weekends tbh DH does most of the things round the house in terms of cooking and seeing to DS - I prefer to do the cleaning as I]'m a bit OCD about it - so he does do his share.
I think that feminism is about choice - if you choose to have a career and family, great - if you choose to be a SAHM/house keeper - ALSO great!
Even if I had earned more, I wouldn't have wanted to return full time and DH stay at home. We waited until DH was on a decent wage before trying for a baby so we had the option.
I'm suffer quite badly with emetophobia (fear of vomiting) so I'm delaying nursery until he has to go to try to delay the ineveviable sickness bugs lol!
I think my post was more about my confidence issue -feeling like I'm not good enough. But then even when I was working I didn't feel good enough when dentists complained I was slow or whatever - so I had down days then thinking about it.
If we were to split up he would still support DS and thats all that matters - I could go to Mum's until I found a job or got a council house if needs be - I grew up in a council house, its not the end of the world.
I think the bottom line is as long as kids are healthy, happy and loved it really doesn't matter.
And I def think the idea of getting some more structure in our day, walks or trips out etc, will probably leave me feeling less tired and a bit more like I have done something with my day, rather than just staying in and cleaning up a never ending mess as someone else said which is how it feels!
Thank you all for the comments xx

90%+ of SAHP are women. Until it's 50/50 it remains a feminist issue.

I think feminism has gone too far to some extent - we are meant to be so equal that if we want to do traditional female roles it can be looked down on. Controversial opinion I know but there you go.

OP That's not what I'm saying, as I imagine you know.

Maybe you can explain to me why you think it's expected that more women should be SAHP than men?

Not a divorce lawyer now, crepe - and clearly nor are you, if you think what happened in one case you know of is in any way indicative of the general rule.
Go and look at the case law - courts consistently hold that women should be expected to support themselves even when they’ve been out of the labour market for years.
I’m sorry for the situation you’re in allconsuming. You sound like a resilient person - your kids are lucky to have such a positive mum.

I didn’t say it was expected. I said it was traditional - which probably dates back to caveman days where the woman would stay with the kids and the man would go out and hunt!
As I say my MIL was the high earner so she went out to work when DH was 4 months, and when I told her I was staying home she said she regretted going out to work so much so early as DH would always run to his dad/grandparents over her. Which would crush me. If DH wanted to be a SAHD we wouldn’t be able to afford to live as my wage of £1,000 pm would barely cover us.
I never felt it was expected to give up my job by anyone. I felt more looked down on for wanting to give up my job to be honest.

It doesn’t have to be the woman, but it almost always is. And being a SAHM is a huge personal financial risk.

“Feminism has gone to far” in what ways OP? We don’t have anything near equality.

Lots of things are traditional. Doesn't make them a good idea. Just makes me laugh when people say feminism has gone too far when we still have a massive wage gap, rape porn as mainstream and thousands of women a year killed by their partners.

If I worked in the same role a my partner I would earn the same.. but I wouldn’t want to?
To me it isn’t a risk as I used to spend all my wages in Primark anyway lol.. I didn’t save anything and probably never would.
In the sense of if you want to stay at home it looked down on, if you want a man to open doors for you or pay your seen as a gold digger.
Rape porn and domestic violence wtf? I’m taking about day to day things like being a SAHM or letting a man pay for you to get your hair done.. crimes are hideous but always have happened and always will whether feminists earn equal rights or not? A rapist wouldn’t care if you earned more than them?? And more men get abused than is reported.

Ignore my grammar I realise there’s a few mistakes there

Er, on the basis of that critical thinking, I think 14k is topping you out tbh OP, so I wish you all the best with your life choices

Eh, you don’t need wages because when you had wages you wasted money and DH will pay for your haircuts

If you break up and have no job, pension etc you’ll likely find that benefits or zero hours minimum wage work won’t pay for much, even in primark.

I have no idea what topping me out means but thank you :-) xx

If we break up and I have to I would go back to bloody dental nursing if I had to! Jeez it’s not a hard job to get. I would never have been anything more than that anyway.

People need to do what’s best for them and their family. If a parent wants to stay at home and the family can afford it then they should do it, if they want to work they should do that.

I’m on my second maternity leave (taking a year for both) and I’ll work part time on return. If we had more money I’d be a SAHP, but it’s necessary I work at the moment. My husband could have gone part time but he likes his job more than I like mine. He’s also quiet and thinks toddler groups/ activities are hell but I enjoy doing them.

Horses for courses and all that. In my opinion it’s not feminist to berate a woman for making a choice and all the patronising bollocks that if a woman chooses to be a SAHP (or shave her legs or wear heals) they are brainwashed and too stupid to make the decision themselves.

Let’s all burn our bras and STFU

For what it’s worth OP, I agree, I think people misinterpret feminism and use it for their own means. I completely agree, Feminisim was about choice, not having to try and do it all, or having a career because you could (or worse still, should). It’s about what we choose to do.

Very well said, NerrSnerr!

Yep totally agree Nerrsnerr and misstomrs :-) I don’t think any woman is against equal rights but having your choices belittled as you chose to do a traditional female role and ‘depend’ on a man isn’t a feminist action!

I would never have been anything more than that anyway

Hopefully you won't pass that lack of ambition on to your children, OP. It's all very well spouting about feminism gone mad but it's sobering reading some of the relationships threads. Often written by women who thought exactly the same as the OP. Then their husband leaves and they realise just how firmly up shit creek they really are. And find that even jobs that are supposedly easy to come by (like dental nursing for instance) really are not when you don't have any relevant work experience and are over 45. That's when the penny drops at how unfair it all is and what a massive impact the decision to be a SAHP has had on their future. It plays out every day on the relationships boards.

If your birth year is 1988 you are 29. I would be quite embarrassed if at 29 I thought myself completely incapable of ever earning more than 14k a year.

Horses for courses and all that. In my opinion it’s not feminist to berate a woman for making a choice and all the patronising bollocks that if a woman chooses to be a SAHP (or shave her legs or wear heals) they are brainwashed and too stupid to make the decision themselves

I agree Nerr. However, the problem is that many women really are unaware of what a risk they are taking. They will no longer be provided for by a divorce settlement because the courts have moved away from ordering long-term maintenance. It is a myth that a SAHP always gets to stay in the family home. There are so many myths around financial division on divorce on here that it makes your mind boggle. Being financially independent is one of the most important things you can do for yourself and your child, given the high divorce rate. If it was anything else where there was a 50% chance of something happening, you would ALWAYS insure yourself against it. Yet with divorce, people are happy to throw caution to the wind and think it won't happen to them. Then when it does, it is far too late.

I don’t think any woman is against equal rights but having your choices belittled as you chose to do a traditional female role and ‘depend’ on a man isn’t a feminist action!

^^This

This is what is annoying. Feminism is about enabling women to make the choice.

I got married with the assumption we won’t get divorced, if I’d assumed we would I’m not sure what the point of marrying would have been?
I have skills, if I had to be financially independent I would, I feel lucky to have the choice.