Being a stay at home Mum?

[yummymummy1988]

I'm now a stay at home mum to my 10mo DS, my DH was supportive of my decision not to go back to work. Most days go by fairly quickly, although to be honest we don't do much in the way of going to groups or anything.
Two questions really, do you think I am holding him back by it being the 2 of us at home the majority of the time?
And did you feel like less of a person when you decided to become a SAHM? I have friends and hear of women with babies similar ages who are working FT or running businesses and manage.. I'm home all day and my DH is lucky if he comes home to the bed made and tea in the oven! Just feeling a bit useless really.

Crepe, you can draw up all the agreements you like. The question is whether the court will enforce them when you divorce. Pre nups have more status in law than they used to - courts used to wholly disregard them, largely for policy reasons. Recent case law has changed the approach but the courts will still ignore them if they take the view they produce an unfair outcome.
You’d need access to some pretty sophisticated legal advice to make a pre nup worth doing. And you may well find at the end of the day it does you no good anyway.
Op I find it sad to hear you say you’d never do better than dental nursing. First, that’s s skilled and worthwhile job. Second I’m sure you have potential in many areas. Don’t write yourself off! If you chuck in Work do it for good reasons not because you have no self belief. Why not try voluntary work in another area - could lead to new possibilities?

Blue shoes - what you have written is exactly why DH and I are doing what we are doing!

From what I have read DCs get very expensive as they hit the teenage years and we want them to have the best we can possibly give them. Uni fees, cultural holidays etc that we think they will enjoy.

It feels hard now but by keeping the momentum on both our careers we hope it pay pay off.

Also I Completely understand the point about future proofing. I would be unsettled if I was completely financially dependant on another person. I'm sure most of those divorcees didn't see it coming as they said 'I do' - I just wouldn't want to be the one who had to start again no matter how much I trust my partner now.

My DD also seems to really enjoy her nursery and her day with her dad. I am not arrogant enough to think I am the only one who can care for her?!

Op have a think about your low confidence and passivity.only a dental nurse?wtf
No point getting job cause you only shop in primark?if you shopped boutique would that be better?
your mum does your ironing,your dp pays for everything. Is that all ok by you

Ok karlos thanks. Shame though, we need a way for women to be protected.

I never said I have no intention of ever returning to work. I said I don’t intend on returning to the dental industry unless I really have to.
I didn’t know which other forum to post in that fitted the subject.. if you can suggest another more fitting place for it to be please, go ahead and I will ask admin if they can move it.
I certainly didn’t make my decision on what my MIL said, she said that after I told her I have decided to stay at home which surprised me as she was very career driven. I didn’t mean it to offend anyone who works that their kids won’t recognise them - im just saying it obviously stuck in her mind that she didn’t form the attachment that she might otherwise have done if she hadn’t been working so much when DH was so young.
It’s fine and nothing wrong to not be career driven. My mum isn’t and she now earns £12 p/h as a cleaner part time so she’s fallen on her feet! DH is very driven and career minded so my DC will have a fine example of ambition.
I don’t think the fact I’ve decided not to suck spit out of people’s mouths and stay at home instead for the first few years of my baby’s life probably won’t be detrimental to any of us! In fact a few of the older ladies in my company didn’t work after they had children, and now really only work to fill their days.

yummy, good job you don’t have my condition!!
(gastroparesis)

if you can suggest another more fitting place for it to be please, go ahead and I will ask admin if they can move it

The SAHP board maybe...? Just a thought.

Lyn.. oh god poor you, I take it you vomit a lot? :’(
I’ve just finished a course of CBT and she thinks my phobia is connected to my low confidence etc it was really interesting. I wish I didn’t have it as my life would be a lot easier. I was on anti anxiety medication before I got pregnant and stopped them while I was pregnant then after I gave birth my anxiety went through the roof. DS had an upset tummy a while back and I literally washed my hands so much they bled. The CBT has helped but it’s an ongoing thing if that makes sense.

Didn’t see the SAHP board.. will message admin and see if I can move it. No need for sarcasm.

Op do what you like after all its your life, Too many judgemental people on this thread thinking everyone should do the same as them.

To much Do the same as them? does that include the other sahp saying,yea go for it,We did
Or do you mean you’re singling our advice to retain career as being judgemental

Lipstick you are actually going on and on and on for pages infact... I would say that isnt giving advice its called ramming it down peoples throats also yes your tone is very judgmental, Very "do as I do, or you're wrong" its ops life not yours. You have to understand everyone has different ways of feeling successful not everyone wants a successful career.
I expect you will probably carry on going on for another few pages which is not something i'm really interested in, So I will leave it here.

Goodluck OP hope you figure out what makes you happy :)

No, Lottie.you don’t like what I’m sayin.so to you it’s going on
I see you didn’t single out any sahp posters as goin on for pages,funny that
Let me explain mn.folk post,other folk post.pages are filled.sometimes many

You will probably get quite a few people who think working is a good idea on the back to work board lol!

Op maybe start a fresh thread on the SAHP board if you are looking for ideas etc?

I think on the whole people are just giving you well meaning advice from their perspective. I certainly dont mean any offence to anyone :)

Has anyone mentioned the facilitated men thread which is running in feminist chat at the moment. It’s fascinating and may help you make some good decisions OP.

Yes facilitated men has been mentioned,and I agree it’s a thought provoking thread

Lipstick. Some ladies like to be at home with their babies. You are going on and on and on about why they should work. They could give you a list just as long about why your children would benefit if you stayed at home.
You accused me of cognitive dissonance pages back (despite me working part time nearly full time) because I said i didn’t want to put my ds in a nursery and wouldn’t do this full time. I support the view that it is highly beneficial for a child to have a parent care for them the majority of the time. I also believe in most cases mum is best for this, although not in every family. Each family is very different.
I don’t think that you are that comfortable with your own decisions or you wouldn’t be so persistent in harping on about why your choices are right.
If I’m wrong and you are happy and you are spouting off all of this rubbish because you feel you are wise and can educate all of the silly sahms. Then just stop it.
It’s an arguement nobody will win.
Who knows you may look back in twenty years and think I missed my babies growing up. Like some sahms look back and think I wish I had worked. But all people are doing is makin the best choices they can at the time.
Please give the sahms a break.

You do what you think is right for your family and you.

For what it’s worth, I was a nurse prior to having dc but decided not to return and although have moments of thinking I should get a job, I have not regretted it at all.

Dh then set up our business and me not working allowed him the time and freedom to work all hours without needing to do pick ups, caring for poorly kids etc. The children are both at secondary now and since starting school I took over admin, staff management and bookings within school hours. It has certainly worked for us and I do not feel dependant on dh. We are a team and all money is joint as is the business.

This same argument always seems to happen on threads about sahm or working, it becomes a fight. I really don’t understand why people cannot look at it from the other side and support people’s decisions instead of only slating them.
Life is not a competition.....

topsyturvy, well said. You put it very well. I did not want to put my dc in nursery full time as felt it was important for our family for them to be at home.

Who knows how we will all feel when our dc have grown up, but for now we are doing what we feel is right and that is what is important.

That said, I also think it is right to keep evaluating and seeing what is working and what isn’t.

Topsy,I don’t need to give anyone a break,nor does anyone need to tread lightly for me
We are adults,it’s a discussion.naturally there are opposing views,I’d expect one to cope
I’m happy to put my dc in nursery FT.equally I’m happy to read & comment it’s not for everyone
But no I won’t be told to stop posting,as I haven’t requested anyone else cease posting
Again,what in my posts is so unsettling?as frankly the sahp posts,I’ve read similar posts/themes numerous times.and I don’t need to attack or tell to go away

I didn’t say stop posting. I just don’t know why you need to go on about why you are right.
Then when sahms explain their choices you say it’s because the are jeadlous or insecure in their decisions.
You accused me of cognitive dissonance and I work Very odd.
But we get it. You are all for your career your put your child in nursery 40+ hours per week. You feel this is the correct way to live and the sahms are fiercely jealous of you. When they respond to you it’s because of their cognitive dissonance (whatever the hell that actually means when you boil it down) and they are jealous of you and prickly.
Now listen here sahms please. Don’t be jealous of the career woman here. She’s kind enough to give you lots of pity and advice so take heed.

Topsy,stop and look at the whole thread.youre not asking those you agree with to give working mums a break
My posts are no more vociferous than anybody else,you simply don’t agree
You find my POV objectionable.well that’s online forums for you

I haven’t seen any sahms accusing working mums of jealousy.
Maybe I missed that part so beg my pardon if this is the case

I’m neither dispensing pity nor seeking it.thats your projection
What’s the root of all your sarcasm and digs, don’t be jealous of career woman?
I will do exactly as I wish,and yes I do believe women shouldn’t be dependent
I’m not forming a mob or militia at sahp door,no one will be compelled to work or put baby in nursery with strangers

You accused sahms of being prickly with you because of your working status.
I have no need to be jealous of anyone, being able to work and have lots of time with ds. However If I was to be entirely honest, I admit I envy mums who get to stay at home with their babies. But not vindictively so and I support their choices and understand they may have to make sacrifices to be at home. I do also realise that there are benefits to me continuing to work.
It’s choices.
I just don’t like preaching and people making out that their choices are right, they are obviously so much smarter and therefore other women must be jealous.
Perhaps this is the source of my sarcasm towards you lipstick
Just out of curiosity, do you wear a very bold lipstick as I imagine you power dress? Being the career woman that you are.