Being a stay at home Mum?

[yummymummy1988]

I'm now a stay at home mum to my 10mo DS, my DH was supportive of my decision not to go back to work. Most days go by fairly quickly, although to be honest we don't do much in the way of going to groups or anything.
Two questions really, do you think I am holding him back by it being the 2 of us at home the majority of the time?
And did you feel like less of a person when you decided to become a SAHM? I have friends and hear of women with babies similar ages who are working FT or running businesses and manage.. I'm home all day and my DH is lucky if he comes home to the bed made and tea in the oven! Just feeling a bit useless really.

No,one cannot be equal if dependent,the financial power imbalance tips it

So now lipstick and karlos you are claiming that women who don’t work are prickly with you....
You both think a lot of yourselves.
Lipstick women can choose to work now and this is a societal norm. Why do you think so many profit making Nurseries with barely paid and often under qualified staff exist if not to allow for this societal norm that many women choose to work.
SAHMs will choose the lifestyle of being at home with their children. If that allows for their dh career to be un-interrupted then so be it. But it is an informed choice they have made.
If I couldn’t condense my hours I would give up work and be poor over sending ds to nursery.
If dh was well paid I’d give up work for the pleasure of being at home .
Choices. Mine to make.

I think here Karlos that women from both the working/not working scenarios are being prickly to be honest. I think it can be hard not to be. I've got used to it now, but the first times I saw on a persons face that any interest they had in me died the moment I said I was a SAHM I was shocked. I wasn't being paranoid and imagining this, because I wasn't expecting to see it. But I do. I expect mothers who work see a similar judgement. However, I have no jealously or bitterness towards women who work, why on earth would I? They are leading a life I don't want at the moment.

I remember once reading some successful businesswoman saying more girls should try and have their babies young, so that they don't miss the boat I guess, but also so that they have time to stay with their children as babies and then have a career after that. By the time the baby I'm currently pregnant with starts school I will only be 30, so I guess that is my overall plan, personally.

If folk can refrain from name calling aspersions we can all continue

You May not be wrong there captain. Take a look at some of the infertility threads on here and I bet there would be many women who would have delayed their career for children.

Was that aspirations? Who was name calling?

Oh,yes the career woman who risks being barren .because of work
That’s an oldie but goodie,you’re in daily mail territory,maybe mention freeze eggs

The fertility was a side point tbh Lipstick, only mentioned it because I think it was the main point of what she was saying - read the rest of the post. That's the bit that's relevant. Or will you not, because you haven't addressed a single point I've made, other than to pick out minutiae that aren't particularly relevant..

I found between babies 8 months and 18 months a real struggle both times. It can be really hard to get stuff done during the day with a mobile baby. It might feel like you've done nothing but taking care of a baby is a full time job. You are being hard on yourself.

I've taken two long maternity leaves, worked long hours full time and have now taken an opportunity where I can work part time. For me, this is the perfect balance. I do think it is important to have a plan for the future and for you to seek your own personal happiness as well as looking after your sons needs now.

On my days off if my day is unplanned and unstructured, I feel like I spend the whole day running around, achieving nothing, with the house getting messier and messier around me. I find it easier to break the day into blocks with clear aims - the food shopping in the morning and music time in the library in the afternoon, for example. But there us no one size fits all.

Why do we have to knock other people's choices?

Some people enjoy their jobs and want to return some don't. Some get fulfilled by spending days with their DC, others would be bored. Each to their own.

If you're happy doing what you're doing then enjoy it. If your DH can fund things and is happy to do so and it suits your family nobody should put you off.

Children flourish in nursery? A bit of a sweeping statement. Depends on the child. DS flourished, DD was miserable and the situation didn't improve in nearly a year. So I made different choices with each child.

It is true that a woman’s fertility declines as she ages lipstick. Don’t need the daily mail for that. Plenty medical research evidences as such

What lovely said on the first page. Do what you choose to do or need to do and enjoy your own life. Leave other people’s choices to other people, stop the judgement and comparison, it can only serve to make you fee worse.

Fertility declines with age,yes.fertility doesn’t necessarily decline if one works
It’s spurious to link employment with fertility

Natalia: The best advice I ever had was from the most successful person I knew in the City. And it was this. Do your research and do it well. But - if you're a buyer, you're a buyer. If you're a seller, you're a seller. You don't hedge your bets at that level. If you're a seller, you sell the lot. You don't hold onto a bit "just in case". And if you're a buyer, you double up.

Maybe I'm less risk averse than average (and I do have the advantage of a bit nor independent finance)....but I think this applies to marriage as well. You think carefully before you enter into marriage and procreation with another person. "50% of marriages end in divorce" is a bit like "the value of investments may go down as well as up". You decide on what you want out of your life and you go for that.

That is mental and a shedload of self-justifying pseudo-economic nonsense. Bottomline, you can gamble with your life but I won't gamble with my dc's lives. The fact that you have independent finance means you in fact do have the insurance policy you mock. You are hedged.

It seems to be very important for you that your dh is an ultra-high earner and I am sure your advice puts you on that road if you pick the right horse.

Such poor advice for the average woman who is married to the average man.

When did raising a family become a war of the sexes? Why are men so hated for their roles, and women belittled got theirs? And where, where, are the children in any of this this??? Mum and Dad are so bloody busy worrying about their careers and hedging their bets against divorce that the poor kids are left in nursery for 8-10 hours a day!!

Do what’s right for you and your family and all will be good.

* Mum and Dad are so bloody busy worrying about their careers and hedging their bets against divorce that the poor kids are left in nursery for 8-10 hours a day!!*

Exactly this! If I had wanted to continue my career progression, we would both have dropped down to 4 days a week so we were at home with her 1 day each and using childcare 3 days, just like a PP (and many others I work with) choose to do. However, I am happy to work the minimum that allows me to keep my foot in the door, and do the rest of childcare - it’s what I want to do.

I hate the thought of her being in nursery for 40+ hours a week (it would be closer to 50 given the hours of both our full time posts). I also don’t believe it gets that much easier when they start school - work hours are still longer than school day so wraparound care is needed. They still get sick, and I clearly remember as a child, being much happier when I was with my mum after school. Holiday care is also needed.

I am incredibly fortunate that I have the option of being able to work less hours or not at all. In my marriage,equality is not based on what each of us bring to the table financially

Bottomline, you can gamble with your life but I won't gamble with my dc's lives.

But you do. As I do. As we all do. Because risk is part of life. You get one shot at it and one shot at bringing up your children. You don't get to go back and do it again....and you never know what the alternative universe would have been if you'd done it differently. If you've been a SAHP, you don't know if your child would have been better off if you'd gone back to work. If your child has been to nursery, you don't know if he or she'd have been better off at home with a SAHP. You can only look at the pros and cons of the situation as you see it at the time and do what you think is best for your children.

I don't mock anyone who has an insurance policy; on the contrary, I think that's very sensible and, as you pointed out, I do myself. I'd advise any SAHM to be married, to have financial control etc etc. At that level, I fully agree that it's a smart move. But to take plan B because plan A might go wrong (whatever those are for you) means you lock in some downside.

What is wrong with equality?

DH and I earn similar - nursery three days and one day each in the week. This to me is a good balance.

I think we should all be pushing for equality in the workplace, home and education.

:)

With respect, there’s quite a lot of made up but real sounding bollocks in the above. You can very easily know whether your dc are better or worse off for your choices in a very concrete way, very quickly. Example; if I didn’t work we wouldn’t have had enough money to get ds the right support when he was diagnosed with asd at 2. Nor would we have enough to save For his future which may not be fully independent. These airy fairy but rather illogical abstractions have no place in proper decision making.

Well this got nice and heated while I was tucked up with my water bottle!

Right OP has gone, probably scared her off with all the ranting and raving. Poor women just wanted some advice. She must be even more confused now!

I never get into these debates on MN as they always get heated and names thrown around.
AND no one ever wins, no one comes to a conclusion everyone is happy with. Nobody can agree.

I am not going to say anymore. I am going to get on with my life and enjoy myself. The fighting talk and annoyed posts make my stomach turn with that adrenaline fight or flight feeling. Like I need to join in the battle of the Mums.
It's actually fucking stupid.
Agree to disagree.
Or better still let's all get off this strange virtual world where no one is actually real and look at our children. They are the reason we're all here fighting aren't they?

Have a lovely weekend. Enjoy work on Monday if that's what you do, enjoy being out and about with baby if that's what you do.

It often strikes me that when women do the more stereotypically male action they’re seen as enlightened whereas those doing more traditionally female roles are subservient, oppressed, enablers etc. As long as women make informed choices they can do what they like. The year I’ve just had off with my baby was utter bliss. I felt so lucky to have it. Laughable that I’m in someway fooled by the patriarchy into wanting that. I’m now back part time and my dd found it incredibly hard to settle but is getting there. Dh also part time but have 2 days both working. I love my days with dd so much. Oppression for me now would be feeling forced to work full time.

However I do feel glad I have financial stability of my own and could walk away from dh if I needed to. I am glad about that. I think if dh was a high earner and I was planning to be a SAHM I would get us to draw up a written agreement stating fanancial obligations and distribution both as partners and in the event of a split, which would contain the clear acknowledgment of my role as caregiver as valuable but also making a return to work more difficult in the future which will need to be facilitated should the need/desire arise.

And from a legal perspective, that would achieve absolutely nothing.
There is a long line of cases of women getting to stay in the family home til the kids reach majority and then, order for sale, they get part of the proceeds, for the rest they’re on their own. You can get a job can’t you? No matter you’ve been out of the labour market for years. You can’t expect hubby to support you now the kids are grown.
Unfair and wrong, but I don’t think it will change.

I'm coming at it from a different angle. I was a sahm for 8 years. Gave up a v promising career. Both of us agreed. I thought ur would be best for the children. Then he left. And I'm back at square one. Retraining and earning minimum wage with juggling childcare. It's crippling. He's very far up the career ladder. No regrets spending time with children but I've definitely put my trust in someone who was, as it turns out, untrustworthy. Caution.

Well i know my df ‘s 2nd wife got a huge settlement and pension when they divorced without any kids because she didn’t want to work and I know of ex wives getting money long after children have grown and even after the dh has died. I’m saying it would be better to have the arrangements and expectations written out first.
You’re not a divorce lawyer are you!

“Mum and Dad are so bloody busy worrying about their careers and hedging their bets against divorce that the poor kids are left in nursery for 8-10 hours a day”

That old chestnut: strangely always ends in the woman being the one to “be there for the DC”. men get to become a parent AND progress at work, and in most cases know they would be much better off financially than their SAHW in the event of divorce.