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Original poster

will prib regret this, and won't be here all evening to discuss, but just want to knbow why i am not a good role model for the kids if i choose to stay home with them

244 replies

mrsjohnsimnelcake · 07/04/2007 19:28

i am interested in why certain people think that staying home with the kids is not a good role model.
I am university educvated and post grad qualified and have had a professinal role for 20yrs. I have managed and i have taught undergraduates.
I think staying at home for a while with my children is what i want to choose now.
I don't feel that i am teaching them not to expect the best from themsleves in any way- could you explain how I am doing this?

I feel it is the best for me and my kids and i may well change later when they are at school full tjme.
Surely your job is not the only thing that identifies you as a strong role model to children??
i can't really believe this to be the case.... it would seem a somewhat narrow minded way to exist in the world.
I think it is interesting that when you meet people they often ask what you do for a living. The shallow people are not interested if you are a SHAM, the more interesting and dynamic and less conventional people accpet that at some points in one's life different priorities take precedent.
I am still ME and i am still a strong and powerful woman whether or not I go out to work outside the house... and why would it be otherwise ?

OP posts:
PeachyChocolateEClair · 07/04/2007 20:58

Oxygen, My MIL bought her family a house cleaning floors (it grew into a business)

McCadburysDreamyegg · 07/04/2007 21:00

...and what about women who work on nurseries, pre schools, creches etc

Oxygen · 07/04/2007 21:02

Hurrah for all you said Peachy!

zippitippitoes · 07/04/2007 21:03

so am i the only one who thinks that being a sahm following a well paid job is different from being a sahm without a prior earning capacity?

several people seem to say that they have been very good earners i think that gives you a different perspective with regard to confidence now and for the future

rantinghousewife · 07/04/2007 21:04

I think LEL, that you make a good point. Please don't take this the wrong way Xenia, but you seem to live in a world far removed from some of us. I speak as one that went back to work full time when my ds was 6 mths, not through choice but, economic neccessity. Having left school with few qualifications, I worked my way up to end up in a professional job, with a professional salary, which I've given up to SAHM with dd. You may live in the sort of world where childcare is easy to come by but some of us don't. Yes, probably in your chosen profession they don't support women returning to work but don't you think you ought to be campaigning for this, instead of maligning women who chose to take a few years out of the rat race to care for their children.

dumbymummy · 07/04/2007 21:06

Like that comment, Oxygen. I clean other women's houses because they're out at work. I take my ds with me if the times don't tally with my dp being at home. Ironic, because my house is a tip!!! It seems to me that for every high-minded WM, there's obviously a 'low-minded' SAHM. Just as well, I guess .

PeachyChocolateEClair · 07/04/2007 21:07

I had a job that paid enough to keep us, for a bit when dh wasn't working (manager for a chairty).

i think there is something very disempowering about never having had any real career success or independence then being a sahm (perhaps the S should mean STUCK instead of STAY there though?) but again, I don't think the SAHM bit is the key factor- I think that the lack of empowerment before that is the key.

there are many thousands of routes a woman can take in her life. People need to realise that even if one (career) door closes, others can open- maybe with a bit of re-training but that is so easy to fit around kids these days (hey if I an do it with my brood...)

Twiglett · 07/04/2007 21:09

I feel sorry for Xenia .. I think she has had some incredibly hard knocks in her life that have resulted in her IMHO warped view of being part of a couple and the importance of career vs family ... I'm sure this character has been formed out of some incredibly tough times .. but we don't all have those experience .. some of us are lucky enough to have full-time partners who don't adhere to your simplistic gender-defined roles

there is no way to say the above without sounding patronising .. so there it is ..

zippitippitoes · 07/04/2007 21:13

that's interesting peachy

people do seem to emphasise that they were in good jobs for 12 years or 23 years etc etc on these threads..and i think that does as you say empower you or give you confidence for the future while you sahm/p

dumbymummy · 07/04/2007 21:13

OK Twiglett. I like that. Xenia may well have had the knocks. But she hasn't responded yet about being on the uni course?!!!!! Not being patronising, had plenty of knocks myself, love you all, but it would be interesting to know .....

Oxygen · 07/04/2007 21:13

I was starting to get a good career, fell pregnant with DD by surprise (well, by sex tbh...), and lost the promotion I had just got by announcing I was pregnant (oh no, sorry, they "went with someone more suitable"... than the only person who had been running the dept for months ).

I had planned to return to work, but after that I went back to a dull job, missed DD, decided it wasn't worth it.

I am now slowly starting to build a business myself - being a SAHM doesn't mean everything ends!!!

I really am going now

LittleEasterLapin · 07/04/2007 21:14

By the way, is it your position, Xenia, that all children should be raised by a third party? Because presumably the father is running a company while the mother serves on the board of a PLC (sorry, flippancy diminishes the point but I am irritated now), so the childcare falls to a paid employee of one sort or another?

LittleEasterLapin · 07/04/2007 21:17

zippi and peachy - I think Xenia riles people to the point they feel compelled to state their career "pedigree" (as I did - curses!).

Peachy - I agree that a lack of independence would be disempowering, but career success and independence are not the same thing... I know an artist who has not enjoyed a vast amount of recognition or prosperity, but a more independent spirit you could not wish to find!

zippitippitoes · 07/04/2007 21:18

ok so one of the things which xenia has mentioned before and i think is true is that if your circumstances change it can be very hard/impossible to come out of the sahm role into work

sahms can find it hard to get jobs eventually not so bad if your partner is still there but if you split up then difficult being stuck in a rut with no money

PeachyChocolateEClair · 07/04/2007 21:19

yes, when I left work it was REALLY hard to redefine myself- I remember with some embarassment slipping my old job into every sentence as It was such a core part of my identity, lately though I am finding I know people who never knew what I did for a living- it ahs ceased to matter so much. Why? Because I have new achievements that have replaced that. Some people though- they seem never to identify or realise what they achieve, and so portray themselves as completely lacking in any.

I have a friend, single mother of 5 (2 disabled), has done loads of voluntary work, survived a terrifying first marriage (XH severely mentally ill with shel;l shock) and a controlling second, B grade student, worked most of last year as well as studying, has gotten her eldest into a top degree- ask heer about her life, she would say she has achieved nothing. That's not about what she hasn't done, its about how she has learned to feel about herself. People like Xeniz- although I am inclined to agree with twig- reinforce this by refusing to acknowledge her amazing contributions and strength.

Original poster
mrsjohnsimnelcake · 07/04/2007 21:20

can i just add that i am not riled by Xenia, nor am i infuriated by her or her posts....i am interested and intrigued adn want to enter a debate about this.
I don't really want to be angry nor do i want to be the reason for a thread that kicks off..as i said, i'll prob regret starting this thread

OP posts:
rantinghousewife · 07/04/2007 21:20

Yes Zippitippitoes, so don't you think that Xenias energies would be better utilised trying to change the status quo?

PeachyChocolateEClair · 07/04/2007 21:21

Agree littlelapin, but you can get a sense of self worth from wither I think (or neither), it doesn't have to be career- also I didnt want to downplat those who have perfectly good jobs that contribute hugely but might not be defined as a 'career'- there are so very many of them after all. MIL and her cleaning buisiness- career? She wouldnt think so. Hugely important thing that gave her independence though, yes.

IYSWIM

LittleEasterLapin · 07/04/2007 21:22

ISWYM

dumbymummy · 07/04/2007 21:22

MrsJohn!! I'm sure you said you were going out? Are we so interesting?

Original poster
mrsjohnsimnelcake · 07/04/2007 21:25

oh i have been out and now i am home.
i put ds1 to bed and thought dh would want a nice sit down and a natter, but it seems he wants to watch the apprentice (bastion of capitalism?) and so having seen the "you're fired"pointing earlier this week, i am still here

OP posts:
dumbymummy · 07/04/2007 21:28

Well, it was a great thread with no animosity. Thanks for that, and good night.

RustyBear · 07/04/2007 21:30

In fact I found being a mother & being responsible for two other lives much more 'empowering' than my previous career - I am much more assertive than I was before I had my children. As an SAHM I was much more independent & less reliant on DH (except in the purely financial sense) than when I was at work. Without that experience I doubt I would now be enjoying my second career, as a fifty year old female IT manager.

PeachyChocolateEClair · 07/04/2007 21:33

I agree Rusty, I have learned a lot about myself and gained a lot in terms of beinga ssertivce from the hurdles I face (many through SAHM od SN kids). You don't stop developing as a person when you tear up the contract.

Nightynight · 07/04/2007 21:34

I dont think that my mother was a good role model. She worked until she had babies, then stopped and did nothing else thereafter, except pursue her hobbies. Her life as long as I have known her, has frankly been one long holiday. She does the minimum of housework etc and spends long days on her main interests (always has done, even when we were children).

She was a successful career woman before we were born, but that was when she was single and had no distractions, as far as I am concerned I have never seen her earn a penny, or make any significant contribution to society apart from doing the minimum possible to bring us up. (one exception after some thought: she looked after my grandmother around 4 several years, during which period she had rather less time for her hobbies)

I agree with those who say that being a good role model is not defined solely by how much you earn, but I also think that you need to give something else to society apart from looking after your children and your house, to be considered a really good role model for children.