will prib regret this, and won't be here all evening to discuss, but just want to knbow why i am not a good role model for the kids if i choose to stay home with them

[mrsjohnsimnelcake]

i am interested in why certain people think that staying home with the kids is not a good role model.
I am university educvated and post grad qualified and have had a professinal role for 20yrs. I have managed and i have taught undergraduates.
I think staying at home for a while with my children is what i want to choose now.
I don't feel that i am teaching them not to expect the best from themsleves in any way- could you explain how I am doing this?

I feel it is the best for me and my kids and i may well change later when they are at school full tjme.
Surely your job is not the only thing that identifies you as a strong role model to children??
i can't really believe this to be the case.... it would seem a somewhat narrow minded way to exist in the world.
I think it is interesting that when you meet people they often ask what you do for a living. The shallow people are not interested if you are a SHAM, the more interesting and dynamic and less conventional people accpet that at some points in one's life different priorities take precedent.
I am still ME and i am still a strong and powerful woman whether or not I go out to work outside the house... and why would it be otherwise ?

So, women have to go out to work to counter society's perception that women are the homemakers and men are the breadwinners because of society's perception that 'status and earnings are key'.
Why should it not be equally valid to try to change the latter perception rather than (or at least as well as) the former?

oh, dumbymummy,
i am the OP and am not doubting myself at all.
In fact as i have said, i feel strong and poewrful and as much of a feminist as ever.
I was asking why anyobody would think that I was a poor role model.
I wasn't looking for validation, I feel validated enough in my career up to now and have no millusions about my life.
I am just intriuged as to why some people, Xena included, but not just Xena, would feel that i was any less of a role model becuasse thier view of women who decide to look after their children themsleves during the day is so low..
if that makes sense.

Sorry xenia but thats total nonsense. I was raised by a woman who was both a sahm and a wohm at different points and the ideals she instilled were the same throughout. My mum has had her faults and it wasn't always easy but we were always raised to strive for the best and work hard for the things we wanted. She was harder on me than the boys as she felt that I needed to work harder for obvious reasons and that paid off. Its not about whether you sah or work its about the type of person you are. Some people don't want to light up the world or take womankind to the next level and they don't deserve belittlement or to be patronised, that's just the way they have chosen to be. My mum had 3 kids and pretty much stayed at home during the day and worked at night. When I was 14 she went to university and 4 years later graduated with a 2:1 bsc in Social Sciences & Communications Studies. She is now a successfule technical manager for a top tv production company. Far cry away from the nonsense you are using to describe women who sah. And whilst we're on the subject, sorry but I hardly think Margaret Thatcher is a shining example of women taking the lead - I'd rather all women stayed at home than us have to be subjected to that again. She did more damage to the womens movement than any man.

How true, Rustybear. The perception of care givers seems very skewed to me at the moment. If you wish to live in a decent society, people have to raise decent children. By that I am not suggesting that working mums are not, but the emphasis does seem to be strongly in favour of everyone going to work. Fifty years ago, it was the norm to run a household on one income. Now we must have two to pay the mortgage. Has anyone else wondered whether the astronomic rise in house prices in the last ten years is a knock-on effect of both parents going to work?

I'd be sooo pissed off if the best my kids could do for themsleves is to "hegde funds" whatever that is
Can't they be artists and musicians and jugglers?

And why just limit your view of how the world should be and waht we should strive for to sefving capitalism?

you are a smart woman and talk well, Xena, have i offended yopu at all, as the other poster suggested?
i am sure i haven't and i amsure you enjoy this as much as moondog and others enjoy the bf vs ff debate

Oh, sorry OP . Checked my original post, and it did seem a little 'pat.' I did what a lot of us do, which is not to read the sentiment behind the words properly. Got the impression that you were feeling downtrodden with others' opinion, and you're not. Which is good!

RB, look I only replied because she'd set the thread up for me. There are valid arguments about examples to daughters and sons. Look at all the men in England who when they marry sit around and expect women to wait on them hand and foot just because their mother always did. But my main reasons for work are much more extensive than the example point and I can't be bothered to repeat them here.

We certainly could instead lobby to see domestic service, caring and those kinds of roles given more status and indeed a salary for those who stay home and care and in particular those looking after people like my father who need day and night care and don't get any kind of appreciation which mothers who stay home often get but I don't think that's going to be very easy to achieve in any society which is capitalist and communism has failed everywhere where it's been tried. I could retreat to my island and live off the land I suppose. But I think women have contributed hugely to UK plc since the early 1900s in a way that used to be denied them completely and the UK is a better place for their contribution.

It used to be seen that you had a stark choice as a woman - work or children. Now that has been proved not to be so and those of us who have been reasonably successful at working and having large families I think have a duty to show it can work, it can be great for children and it's fun too.

I find you increasingly difficult to believe, Xenia. Your singlemindedness and arrogance is breathtaking.

Children will regards their mothers as "less" because they care for the home and family only if people such as yourself tell them that it is a less worthy occupation.

To my mind, staying at home with my child so I can give him a solid, safe and happy childhood is a MUCH more important role than my previous one. I can - and will - return to my career when my child, and any future children that I have, are in fulltime education.

My staying at home with my child does NOT tell him I am less intelligent, able or worthy than his father; it tells him I care enough about him to choose to sacrifice my career for his wellbeing.

Your frankly patronising - or should that be matronising - comments about stay at home mothers are clearly negated by the eloquent and educated responses of the women you so easily malign.

Not that these things matter in the grand scheme of things, but you are obviously status obsessed, so perhaps you will weight my opinion more highly if I say that I was a senior Investment analyst for many years before leaving to have my son, and I have forgone a very substantial salary to do so.

Count - it's not total nonsense. It's much harder to get back into a career if you have a longish career break as the countless threads on mumsnets from women trying to find something they can go back to prove. But it's certanly possible to go back and really well. But it's a harder, a risk men are wise enough not to take and many women particularly those whose husband's run off and pay nothing or those whose men die etc do take.

Some people do appreciate those who are carers. Loads of nice husbands (and working wives with stay at home husbands) will often hugely appreciate their contribution. Many women couldn't care less that their job is housewife or homemaker. Lots opt out of capitalism to osme extent and many live on benefits.

On hedge funds I just think it's a pity women may well do quite well as teachers adn nurses but if you get up to the top in anytyhing we still have a huge long way to go. We need the rule Norway brought out that 40% of Boards much be female. it's working very well. Just to get the numbers better.

Little, I was asked for a view. It's a free country. We can express any views we want. Just because I'm not into some kind of cosy lets butter up and support and say how noble they are for being home thing in the mutual support stay at home mother's club doesn't mean I can't express the view just as stay ath ome mothers seem quite happy to quote spurious research which suggests children are damaged if their mothers work.

Oh, Xenia. Are you doing a university course? Things all seem a little prescribed.

I'm with Twiglett. I couldn't give a stuff what someone else thinks of my choice to be a SAHP.

I will always put my children before the nation too - absolutely no question. No qualms about saying so either.

And all this role model crap. Well my mum stayed at home all through my childhood but it didn't stop me going to university, getting a good few post-grad qualifications and climbing the career ladder fairly rapidly BEFORE I had children and decided, sorry, it's now far more important to put my time and effort into these little fellas than anything else I could be doing at work.

There isn't one thing wrong with my life. I'm the luckiest person alive. I have everything and am hugely happy. I guess this is why I have no interest in what anyone else thinks or what anyone else does with regard to bringing up their children.

I've got one life, one shot at it, and I'll damn well life it how I like.

You know, I SO do not feel defensive about this

I have doubted / questioned / regretted / had mixed feelings about so many of my choices as a parent, but whether to stay at home or not?

Never.

I am so completely positive it has been the best thing for me and my child, that nothing anyone else can say could ever make me feel anxious or defensive about my decision. I wish every parent felt the same way about their choice.

A SAHM mother's supporters club - now there's an idea! Group hug?

'live it' even - got a bit carried away there! Almost going to burst into song!

I haven't read the thread (and probably won't) so this is my answer based on the OP:

I am grateful that my ds is getting to see both of his parents in a SAH role, which will help him to understand that parenthood is not just for women (if he fails to get the point, I will move to Sweden!).

I am in utter awe and admiration for my mum, a SAHM, and wish desperately I could give ds the same kind of family experience I had. I can only do the best I can given the fact dh is too ill to work - and to be honest, I would still prefer to work part-time even so.

Society should accept and expect that parents have commitments that non-parents do not. (And this should be men as well as women, basically the only point Xenia and I ever agree on). We are surely the majority of the workforce. Therefore logically we should dictate what is the 'norm' for working practice in the UK.

Viva la revolución, etc, must go and check on dinner!

hi xena, i suppose i did set the thread up for you
i need to go now, would be negelcting my dh... need to do his ironing or somthing equally as domesticated.

obviously you are not offended or you would have replied to me personally to say you were.

I am still not convinced that I have to live my life the way you are swuggesting, but am interested in what you say, without sounding boards and challenges like this, life would be a duller place.

And the discussions that happen on here from time to time have actually convinced me firther that my decision to give up the day job for now is the rright one for us.
So maybe the WOHM lobby is slacking

Xenia - I do not believe that I suggested you were not allowed to express a view? I merely said it was narrowminded.

Not all men are masters of the universe, not all stay at home mothers sit around eating cake and watching Trisha. The world is a diverse place. Maybe not YOUR world - but the real world.

and franny and Gobbledigook - you rock too

oh and Xena, waht if there were two women in the parent partnership- how would that work in your capitalist workplace debate?

I'm growing rather fond of you, Little Easter.

LLL, i sit arounbd MAKING cake....

oh, sorry, have called you the wrong name, Xenia

pmsl - only read as far as putting children before nation and my kids seeing me as someone who cleans floors etc (you are so wrong there... and what if you are a mother who works as a cleaner... how does that add up )

This is far too comical to make me want to argue.

I think I will go and perform sexual favours for my DH (I am very very rarely submissive though - that is his job!)

Will be a damned site EASIER for me to get back into a career when I go back because I am studyinga s wella s raising my kids. As in, I wouldn't be allowed to do the job I want without the degree- although I am hinking of an MA before I go back.... though i expect DC will be here to comment on that

Sexual services to my DH? t'other way round I reckon.

You will be the best role model by being happy with your choices and making them work. there are loads of Mums who either work or SAH and moan about it (I'm not talking about the ones who had no choice, of whom there are many of each). teaching your kids they can be masters of their own destiny and build a life that works for them- now THAT is power!

I worked after ds1 and ds2, went abck at 9 weeks with each as that was the maternity regs then. gave uo after ds3, saw a chance and grabbed at it. neither is eprfect, but have to say SAHM gives me more flexibility to build in the things that matter to me (eg academia) without having missing school collections / nativities / etc etc etc