will prib regret this, and won't be here all evening to discuss, but just want to knbow why i am not a good role model for the kids if i choose to stay home with them

[mrsjohnsimnelcake]

i am interested in why certain people think that staying home with the kids is not a good role model.
I am university educvated and post grad qualified and have had a professinal role for 20yrs. I have managed and i have taught undergraduates.
I think staying at home for a while with my children is what i want to choose now.
I don't feel that i am teaching them not to expect the best from themsleves in any way- could you explain how I am doing this?

I feel it is the best for me and my kids and i may well change later when they are at school full tjme.
Surely your job is not the only thing that identifies you as a strong role model to children??
i can't really believe this to be the case.... it would seem a somewhat narrow minded way to exist in the world.
I think it is interesting that when you meet people they often ask what you do for a living. The shallow people are not interested if you are a SHAM, the more interesting and dynamic and less conventional people accpet that at some points in one's life different priorities take precedent.
I am still ME and i am still a strong and powerful woman whether or not I go out to work outside the house... and why would it be otherwise ?

When I read this thread (sort of after the event in my case) the overwhelming message is "my way is right and anything else is wrong".

Why can't we just accept that every family is different and stop JUDGING the crap out everyone? So Xenia thinks we have a duty to work 24/7? works for her and hers, great, good luck to her. So GDG is a SAHM and that works for her. GREAT, fantastic, good luck to her too. So someone else wants to work and has a trusted nanny/partner/au pair - and its works. Marvellous, all power to em.

even way back in cave days there'd be times when little Ugs mummy went out skinning while little Ogs mummy guarded the kids and in exchange got some skins. I just wonder why we women ANGST so much about everyone elses choices?!

People often say you have a duty to work. They say women have a duty to sacrifice their life to children and husbands all the time or they say it's a neutral issue but you rarely see anyone making a case that women ought just now at this time in history to consolidate recent legal changes and gains otherwise there is a danger male employers will say - wow these women fought to so hard to be consider equal but they all leave work in droves when babies come along so why on earth do we ever hire women.

..people don't often say I meant about a duty to work for women. Poor men have a huge burden and I doubt often men are given much of a free choice by their women to stay home. What if your husbands said tomorrow - right I've slogged it out at that awful job for 10 years now I want to mind the children for 10 years so you need to go out and work the 11 hour days? WOuld these women do it?

Ha ha ha!! OMG!! My dh would NEVER want to role reverse! He knows a good thing when he's on to it and fully accepts that I have the 'harder' role in this family.

He knows full well, that while he way outearns me and works hard at what he does, I'm the one doing 90% of what needs doing to glue this family together. Both of us are happy with that. He does his share (he's on 'childcare duty' right now while I'm working for the morning) and it works great.

Tbh, the more I read on MN, the more I realise how incredibly lucky I am.

I worked for 2 years part time then 13 years full time in the same field (Dental Nurse) before I had dd. I worked at a very exclucive private practice that have been on a major UK TV series.

I earned alot more than dh. I had the potential to earn alot more still.

But I wanted to be a sahm, to be with my daughter. I worked for 6 weeks which earned me nothing after childcare & travelling. Leaving my daughter wasn't worth that.

Dd said to me the other day "you are the best mummy in the world, I want to be a mummy like you"

I asked her what I did that was so special, she simply said "you love me, silly mummy"

Is that not role model enough?

I think we are so busy trying to work out what everyone thinks we should be, we forget what the children actually see/want/need.

My mum worked away from home. I have no respect for her as a mother/member of society. She didn't love me....her work was too important to be with me when I woke from a general when I was 9 (she was a dinner lady, so no high flyer)

i agree sandcastles - but my DS says the same to me and I work 13 hours days. There seems to be an slight tendency to assume that mothers who work are less connected with their kids which I have to say is rubbish in my experience. You can work outside the home and be a good mother, just as much as you can not work outside the home and be a good mother.

I'd still love to know why we are so quick to defend our choices/judge others choices on this? I guarantee DH's working and SAH friends do not have this inner angst. Is it a girl thing?

meowmix, I doubt that working mums are less connected. I know some who work & some who don't & really see no difference in the way they play/interact etc.

I think the important thing is that we all love our children & do what is best. Regardless of whether we feel the best is to stay at home/work at home/work away from home.

We all love the children.......that is role model enough for me (certainly dd!)

I don't know why we do it, to ourselves or each other. It is hard enough to raise children as it is, without all the in bickering. So many have nasty MIL's, why turn on each other too?

I think you are a good role model if you are happy with what you are doing. I think its really important for children to be around positive, happy people. It is also my personal feeling that many SAHMS seem to put themselves down a lot and have little confidence. They start defending what they are doing almost the minute they tell you that they are SAHMS.

I'm a sahm and proud of it.
I dont defend myself for it. but do feel annoyed when people say things like 'are you just a house wife'
Or 'its ok for you to be out late, you dont have to work tomorrow'

Mine at times say the same - love you, best mummy in the world etc. That's irrelevant to whether you work or not.

What is a role model? That's a hard question to answer. My point on this thread was simply like the communists following Moa or the disciples Jesus or our soldiers in the Gulf sometimes you have to put your family last for a cause and may be still today women should think about the common good of women and work if they are able to consolidate the gains we made in the last 100 years. It is not so very long ago when women were forbidden so much in the UK. We mustn't lose those rights through lack of exercise of them.

I know my children at university do see happy that I've worked. They like to see things about me in the press, books I've written in libraries they use and to hear about people I've helped etc They realise that it's possible to have a large family and a nice career too and the two can work together as most women now find and enjoy.

I just think it's pretty unfair all these men won't swap even if asked because they know it's dull domestic stuff they don't want to do and that's how I feel too so I find housewives very hard to understand at all.

Other valid point someone made below is men don't vocalise as much angst about their choices. I don't think that means they don't have any. My brother has adapated his work and life choices to leave work on time to see his toddlers. A lot of men do that.

Isnt it about choice!
I choose to stay at home. I actually have no desire for a career!!
I am happy to be an equal but that doesnt mean to be equal I have to become the same.
I have as much importance as a human being as a top solicitor or a prostitute.
As a human being I am equal.
I dont need to work to prove my worth!

Women fought for the choice of being able to work, not the right to work

I'll never put my family last for a cause.

They will always come first. That's why I left full time OOTH work and opted for working at home (I know I'm fortunate to have that choice) once I had ds1.

Many of things that you just can't do (or you can with a lot of sniffing and negativity from colleagues) if you work OOTH full time, or at least restrained by fixed hours, are just far too important to me. Other people don't think they are important and that's fine.

OHMyGODis this still running? I stay at home, i likes it i do - my daughter likes it, my husband likes it (i'm too knackered to provide sexual services - something he has listed as slacking and i must improve or face my punishment (oh lucky lucky me!) and im a lazy tart who's house is an untidy pit - one day, i will decide to go back to work, if i can't get a job in my current career, then i will retrain, but until then I'M STAYING AT HOME AND NO ONE IS GONNA STOP ME SO NER NER NER NER NER!

Hmmm, i'm not actually sure if i WANT my daughter to run armies - FFS - i would prefer her to be a tree hugging, organic veg eating , flower power girl than that. I'll settle for local government - see, i knew it says the working mum brigade, SAHMs SETTLE....i'm now returning to my life cos its a lovely sunny day and i have a herb garden to plant - came in to post cos its too hot in the garden, too hot? woohoooo

JUST for the record I DO NOT WATCH DAYTIME TELLY!!!!!!!!!

But we are grateful women did put their families below a cause otherwise we may not have had the vote even or do you think a return to laws which say married women can't work, women can be paid half what mean are, women can't own property in marriage are actually pretty good and represent what being a housewife is in reality anyway?

Well it's great that they did that but, imo, there is no such cause to be fought right now. There is nothing, at the moment, that could drag me away from the life I've chosen.

And as it is I work (self employed), SAH full time, help out in school voluntarily and spend a good chunk of my 'spare' time doing PTA stuff raising money for school. So, not much time for crusades.

Haven't read the whole thread as I can't be arsed to but in response to the OP

Of course you can be an excellent role model to your children as a SAHM. If you are a SAHM who sees it as a positive decision and who on balance enjoys the role and feels that overall it is a good choice for her and her family.

If you are a SAHM ONLY because you believe it is best for the children but actually resent it and find it very very difficult and unrewarding then no I don't think you can be a good role model.

Being a good role model has nothing whatsoever to do with whether you are a SAHM or a WOHM - it is to do with your attitude to your life.

Children are very good at observing us and understanding far more then we tell them (often more than we want them to know sometimes). So if being a SAHM mother makes you broadly happy and fulfilled you will be a good role model without needing to try or worry about it. The same is true of a WOHM.

As a SAHM you have the added advantage of being able to claim that it is also better for your children. Us WOHM are stuck with defending our choice as one that doesn't necessarily harm children.

If you love your children and are happy doing what you do then you are a good role model whether you are a SAHM or WOHM.

I am not an SAHM but I do think they have a point when they say they feel denigrated.

I have noticed a phenomenon of working people (men and women who have not had children) either privately dissing women who stay at home or openly patronising them, as if childcare were a mark of being thick and uninteresting.

Childcare is work, bloody hard work. It is chronically undervalued in this country and the dissing of SAHMs (and also dads!) is part of this. Paid work is work. We should respect both.

I agree with Lazycow.I really don't think women should give up work to stay home and hate it because they read a psychology article which says that's better for chidlren. If you're not happy it won't be, full stop and there are countless other surveys showing mothers working is good too. You just take your pick on surveys and so called research. So do it for you as man or a woman who wants to stay home but not for the children and then all is well.

As for denigrating people who like to spend hours with under 5s, clean the house and do the laundry each to their own. That's probably asmuch fun as doing much the same in a creche or hotel

Xenia, SAHMs do not necessarily like doing the laundry and cleaning but if they are unable to earn big bucks at work they will end up doing it anyway - at midnight instead of at their own convenience.

Actually Xenia, as much fun as in a creche?? My Sister (whom you would adore, she is Queen Capitalism) amkes an excellent living (well she must, they paid their mortgage off in 5 years) managing a Nursery / Creche. She started as a Nanny and worked herself up, barely taking time off with her DS1 despite nearly dyings everal times over in pg, and having severe PND which has prevented her bonding with her ds (she cant have any more kids on Consultants Advice, damaged her kidneys too much with pre-eclampsia- family curse). But hey thats OK< as long as she pays her way .

Each to their own eh? I worked when we needed it, now I'm doing it my way.

I meant it wasn't fun, that I can't see anyone enjoying most of the role of house wife or most of the role of working for the minimum wage in a creche, can't understand why any woman would enjoy those roles but I suppose some do.