Help: FT lawyer having a horrible time (long...)

[lemur]

All advice on how to sort my working world out would be gratefully received... here is the thing:

I have a 9.5 month DD, in FT nursery care, a job in the City as a FT lawyer in private practice and two male partner bosses who just don't seem to realise the pressure that the above combination creates. It is Saturday night and I have just had huge row with monster of boss because I have to be in meetings tomorrow (Sunday, yes, I know it is the weekend) and I physically cannot be there as have to look after DD. DP cannot look after DD as he has football match to play(and does not want to be dictated to by my bosses) I have no handy relatives nearby who can look after DD and cannot leave DD with a friend as the meeting could go on indefinitely (i.e until Monday...).

And why am I even worrying about that level of detail, when the point is that the monster boss has, beyond saying "well you are the breadwinner so DP should sacrifice what he is doing" is also making me contact all my childless colleagues in a grovelling fashion to ask them to go to the meetings tomorrow, to punish me.

I am a lawyer and I know that somewhere in all of the S**T that is currently part of my working world, there is something breaching some of my employment rights, but I am not an employment lawyer. DP is away all next weekend and I am supposed to be working then too. I feel like just not bothering to go into work ever again.

DD had Chicken Pox just before Christmas, I had to be home with her for 7 working days and the matter ended up being referred to HR and me having to take unpaid leave because I came into work one day while DP looked after DD and so lost my right to any more emergency leave for the rest of the time DD was contagious (as was not an emergency as I knew she had CP!!!). This gives you a flavour of the way it works at the firm I work at.

I have only been back at work since the end of September 2006 and the gruelling routine of half an hour each way walk to nursery and then to work plus the working on work from 8pm until midnight plus the manipulative bosses (who had/have wives at home to look after kids) being totally unreasonable plus the fact my mum died a month before DD was born and I miss her all the time = I am somewhat losing the plot. That is a bit of an understatement.

So I guess the question is, do I just accept that you cannot do it all and find new, normal, job doing something that will never mean I have to work after 5.30 or weekends, or try and win against forces of chauvinism in the City of chauvinists?

Ideas welcome. Thank you.

Wow, Xenia - where I you going?
I laughed when I read about not having time to go to the loo. When mine were tiny my dentist was telling me I was being slack with the flossing so I did actually say 'Huh! Some days I don't get a chance to have a wee, let alone floss!'
The joys of parenthood

Skiing, France. It will be interesting to see if the house/family implode without me here or benefit hugely from my absence.

xenia, sorry i disappeared, been v busy at work. dp & i split the care unevenly - he does more, as i'm a teacher - obviously holidays aren't a problem. some of the comments, attitudes etc at work are very difficult to live with, and teaching is supposed to be good at supporting families. where i work is quite rural so there aren't many other schools to apply to so i stay here. i'm not prepared to take a demotion to avoid the attitude from certain members of management (who still haven't read through the 1999 parental rights act because it is too modern!) at the moment i accept that my career is on hold, but once dd is a little older, i'm prepared to travel further/work longer. i still have another 25 years ahead of me, and i can wait for the next promotion. it does just stick in my throat to see men & women without families getting promotions. these battles are not easy to win, and no teacher earns enough to make it worth a crusade. however, my dd is far more beautiful tan any of theirs [sticking out tongue emoticon] so i think i'm better off.
it will be interesting to see their response to my request to work slightly shorter hours next year.

Yes, it's hard. I remember my ex husband's female teacher colleagues were excused lots of after 3pm things that he had to do even though his career was secondary to mine and he had three children under 4 and had to rush home to let the nanny get home as I was working in the city so there is a bit of sexism against working fathers who are the main childcarer before their wives. Another funny story was when his headmaster said he couldn't get a pay rise because I earned such a lot of money... like the old days when when female teachers married they had to stop work and a few years later they could carry on but were paid less than men because men had a family to support.

! about the comment on a pay rise. My ideal is that all professionals/colleagues are treated with the same respect, assessed by their ability to do the job, and have clear guidelines about what is and isn't acceptable terms for compassionate leave.
Unfortunately i don't work somewhere like that. the job serves its purpose for now, but after a few 'discussions' with management relating to these issues, i no longer put in the vast hours i did before dd arrived, not because i've lost the willingness to work hard where i'm appreciated, but because i expect some return for my investment of time& energy. if they will only extend good will to the minimum, then so will i. it's really sad that this is how i feel now, but i could put in an extra 10 hours a week, and i would never be given any more flexibility.

People need incentives. It's much nicer working for myself. If I work overtime it's for me, my profit, my children, my business. In fact there are more female millionaires under 45 in the UK than men at the moment because perhaps women like this feeling of working for themselves (..as well as the fact we're better than men anyway...)

Just reading your OP Lemur, I'd say just work out what you really want and go for it.

There are other jobs and the city isn't designed for anyone to have a good work life balance.

Pick your fights to what you really want to fight for.

and good luck by the way.

dh and i both occasionally consider working for ourselves. partly because we believe we could be better bosses than the ones we suffer, but also because we are getting to the point of not wanting to do what other people want. however, although he could work as a contractor, he is a skilled artisan in the craft of procrastination, and realises that this would be a problem, and i don't really do a job where i could be self employed, so we've never gone for it. i do sometimes think that if we worked more on the kind of contracts that contrators have, people would be more profitable, but not a very practical solution.

Xenia - sorry, I disappeared, too as I work on Thurs & Fri. Hope you have a good time. I'll look forward to hearing a report on how they managed without you! When I go away for a few days with my girlfriends, dh usually decamps to his parents.