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Original poster

Help: FT lawyer having a horrible time (long...)

410 replies

lemur · 06/01/2007 23:31

All advice on how to sort my working world out would be gratefully received... here is the thing:

I have a 9.5 month DD, in FT nursery care, a job in the City as a FT lawyer in private practice and two male partner bosses who just don't seem to realise the pressure that the above combination creates. It is Saturday night and I have just had huge row with monster of boss because I have to be in meetings tomorrow (Sunday, yes, I know it is the weekend) and I physically cannot be there as have to look after DD. DP cannot look after DD as he has football match to play(and does not want to be dictated to by my bosses) I have no handy relatives nearby who can look after DD and cannot leave DD with a friend as the meeting could go on indefinitely (i.e until Monday...).

And why am I even worrying about that level of detail, when the point is that the monster boss has, beyond saying "well you are the breadwinner so DP should sacrifice what he is doing" is also making me contact all my childless colleagues in a grovelling fashion to ask them to go to the meetings tomorrow, to punish me.

I am a lawyer and I know that somewhere in all of the S**T that is currently part of my working world, there is something breaching some of my employment rights, but I am not an employment lawyer. DP is away all next weekend and I am supposed to be working then too. I feel like just not bothering to go into work ever again.

DD had Chicken Pox just before Christmas, I had to be home with her for 7 working days and the matter ended up being referred to HR and me having to take unpaid leave because I came into work one day while DP looked after DD and so lost my right to any more emergency leave for the rest of the time DD was contagious (as was not an emergency as I knew she had CP!!!). This gives you a flavour of the way it works at the firm I work at.

I have only been back at work since the end of September 2006 and the gruelling routine of half an hour each way walk to nursery and then to work plus the working on work from 8pm until midnight plus the manipulative bosses (who had/have wives at home to look after kids) being totally unreasonable plus the fact my mum died a month before DD was born and I miss her all the time = I am somewhat losing the plot. That is a bit of an understatement.

So I guess the question is, do I just accept that you cannot do it all and find new, normal, job doing something that will never mean I have to work after 5.30 or weekends, or try and win against forces of chauvinism in the City of chauvinists?

Ideas welcome. Thank you.

OP posts:
meb2006 · 15/01/2007 09:10

I want to know who has time to read a newspaper (Ha!)

Judy1234 · 15/01/2007 10:13

I think it's an age of child thing. When you have under 5s whether you work or not it's even hard to find time to have a bath, never mind read papers. When children are older it's easier. Of course those with the luxury of a sitting down commute get to read papers.

fortyplus · 15/01/2007 10:18

Xenia - had another snort at 'My brother says it's a badge of success amongst some of his colleagues to be able to afford a non working wife particularly one who herself went to Oxbridge so she is seen (to these repellant men) as having given so much up for the man/babies.'
I totally agree with you -(again - what's happening to me??)giving up a salary is either a middle class luxury or - at the other extreme - for those who are better off on benefits.
But I do have to speak up for SAHMs and the lovely, modest husbands like mine!
We bought our house before children - but chose a property that we could afford on one salary if necessary, but with potential to extend. If we had been unable to have children or if I had returned to work we would have moved, but as it was we managed on dh's salary. By the time ds1 was 8 we could afford to extend the mortgage so we built on another bedroom and a playroom.
We have always planned ahead and worked as a team. Fortunately we agreed on what we believed was best for us and our children. I'm just glad to live in a world where I had these choices. This is probably the first time in history that this has been the case - for generations most women had to work - then for our parents' generation it was more or less frowned upon if mummy didn't stay home to look after the babies.
You and I are both very fortunate to be able to follow our separate paths.

controlfreaky2 · 15/01/2007 13:44

vvv

Judy1234 · 15/01/2007 14:04

Something particularly pernicious about men seeing it as a badge of success that they can kind of tie to the kitchen a previously high achieving wife and then show off about.

fortyplus · 15/01/2007 14:18

Xenia - you are talking about my cousin! (Tax exile in Bermuda with tall blonde wife trotting behind having given up City job...)

Judy1234 · 15/01/2007 14:20

I think it's supposed to be the best investment women can make. Mrs Miller got £5m on her divorce after 18 months, for giving up her £75k a year job to be an appendage. I suppose it's a she gave all that up for me, to look after me, service my needs in bed and out, adorn my arm kind of stuff which appeals to a lot of men.

fortyplus · 15/01/2007 14:23

This has also made me think of my sil and her dh who has forged a good career in the RAF... partly on the basis that he has been congratulated on having a 'Good wife' to organise social events, etc.!!!!
You know me... committed SAHM... but the thought of that even makes me squirm!

meb2006 · 15/01/2007 16:09

I wish I was tall.......and blonde.... I certainly would n't have become a lawyer then!.............

CountessDracula · 15/01/2007 17:04

how about going part time!

PrincessPeaHead · 15/01/2007 17:18

I thought the salary was crap at 50,000 per annum but on rereading it I see it is 50,000 per HOUR so I think that might make the hell that is doing share schemes in New Malden worth while....
just think, an hour a week and you'd be on £25mil

Judy1234 · 15/01/2007 18:24

Easiest money I made was when we let the house out for filming. Exciting too.

jura · 15/01/2007 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CountessDracula · 15/01/2007 19:48

yes the salary is really bad but hey those p/t jobs are few and far between....

Original poster
lemur · 16/01/2007 21:27

Wow,
This thread came a long way through a lot of random subjects since Thursday, including Kylie and plankton (although not, I think, in the same post). I have learned a lot. It has been a very interesting and funny thread.

The end of my bit of the story is that I worked much of Thursday night, all Friday, from 9am on Saturday until 2pm Sunday without sleep and went home to look after DD who had been looked after by a relay of a member of the nursery staff, a very good friend who was not well at the time (hoxtonchick, I owe you more than one) and my very tired little sister, who was trying to study for her exams at the same time. The deal at work is done, I had Monday off (shopped, should have slept) and have finally the time to post on here. Thank you everyone who helped me get through a bit of a c**p week. The worst thing? Saturday night was the first whole night I have spent away from DD. I wish I had been doing something better. The best thing? Mumsnet, Hoxtonchick and my little sis.

This weekend I will be doing my CV!

OP posts:
SturdyAngel · 16/01/2007 21:30

Hey!! I lived in New Malden...it's erm..lovely!!

Judy1234 · 16/01/2007 21:33

Do your CV. If yo've a prospect of £1m a year then those type of hours are fine or even £300k a year for the next 20 years. Great. If you've no hope of promotion and could get a job without those hours then I would get on with applying for other jobs as soon as you can.

kickassangel · 17/01/2007 15:35

xenia, i get your point about people on higher salaries accepting more responsibility & longer hours, and that this is how business operates. However - there are some things which money shouldn't buy, and when that happens, the employer does not have the right to put undue pressure on their staff.
You also seem to believe ( and correct me if i'm wrong), that women ahve the same choices about having a career. Yes, i have a husband who supports my career, but one of my senior bosses has a very anti women in the workplace (particularly if we dare to have kids) attitude. I could make a big fuss & sue them, but it would give me no long term benefits, it would be the end of my career in this area. It sounds great to have choices, but we don't all have complete control over our circumstances, even if we are willing to take up the cause.

Anchovy · 17/01/2007 16:01

Lemur, was your DH working over the weekend? Don't want to reopen this as you've said before that he was really good and easily did his fair share, just interested.

Judy1234 · 17/01/2007 17:33

kick, I haven't come across people with antiwomen in the workplace attitudes particularly where women's employment pattern is the same as men. Of course if the women are always the ones forced to stay home because their husbands aren't behaving acceptably in an equitable marriage where both careers counts I don't see why an employer should suffer for it. The woman should be taking out out on the man at home and it's not the employers fault the woman was stupid enough to marry a sexist pig who puts his own work before hers.

But yes some workplaces men discriminate and others don't. I do try to guide my daughters as to which careers are rife with sexism and which aren't because I don't think it's much fun being a trail blazer.

Original poster
lemur · 18/01/2007 22:17

Anchovy,
DP was away, but not at work. It was one of his oldest mate's stag do. He was due to go on the Friday night, he didn't go, as he stayed to look after DD, hoping to catch his mates up on the Saturday. Then he cancelled going at all. I called my little sister to say I did not need her help over the weekend as DP had cancelled, and little sister, star that she is, said that DP needed the break (he did - he is as exhausted as me) and that DP should go. So he did. And had a great time, and oldest mate was very happy. And star little sister saved the weekend. There is a lot of give and take with DP and me, there just isn't much leeway. It is the first weekend DP has been away for a weekend since June 2005 (I worked it out). It just happened that it was the worst possible weekend for me workwise!

OP posts:
fortyplus · 18/01/2007 22:20

lemur - glad the thread made you smile.
At the very least we should be celebrating how many witty, feisty, intelligent women there are on mn!

tigermoth · 18/01/2007 22:35

Lemur you say 'There is a lot of give and take with DP and me, there just isn't much leeway'

That seems such a spot on way of summing up your situation. I hope sincerely that you get that leeway very, very soon. I am glad that you are dusting off your CV - there is nothing to lose from looking for another job and so much to gain.

Your little sis is a star

Original poster
lemur · 18/01/2007 23:10

tigermoth, fortyplus, thank you. It is good, I agree, to know how many mumsnetters there are who are prepared to challenge and change the way we work.

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 18/01/2007 23:40

I suspect it's just whether you work or not having under 5s is really really hard and there's not much leeway on anything. Even if you're home 24/7 with them it's hard to get time to go to the toilet or get dressed some days. And then they get even just to the age of my 8 year olds and it all seems hugely easier when they can do so much for themselves. You seem very well organised lemur. I hope this weekend is better. Next week is my first week away without any of the children I think in 22 years.

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