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Original poster

Help: FT lawyer having a horrible time (long...)

410 replies

lemur · 06/01/2007 23:31

All advice on how to sort my working world out would be gratefully received... here is the thing:

I have a 9.5 month DD, in FT nursery care, a job in the City as a FT lawyer in private practice and two male partner bosses who just don't seem to realise the pressure that the above combination creates. It is Saturday night and I have just had huge row with monster of boss because I have to be in meetings tomorrow (Sunday, yes, I know it is the weekend) and I physically cannot be there as have to look after DD. DP cannot look after DD as he has football match to play(and does not want to be dictated to by my bosses) I have no handy relatives nearby who can look after DD and cannot leave DD with a friend as the meeting could go on indefinitely (i.e until Monday...).

And why am I even worrying about that level of detail, when the point is that the monster boss has, beyond saying "well you are the breadwinner so DP should sacrifice what he is doing" is also making me contact all my childless colleagues in a grovelling fashion to ask them to go to the meetings tomorrow, to punish me.

I am a lawyer and I know that somewhere in all of the S**T that is currently part of my working world, there is something breaching some of my employment rights, but I am not an employment lawyer. DP is away all next weekend and I am supposed to be working then too. I feel like just not bothering to go into work ever again.

DD had Chicken Pox just before Christmas, I had to be home with her for 7 working days and the matter ended up being referred to HR and me having to take unpaid leave because I came into work one day while DP looked after DD and so lost my right to any more emergency leave for the rest of the time DD was contagious (as was not an emergency as I knew she had CP!!!). This gives you a flavour of the way it works at the firm I work at.

I have only been back at work since the end of September 2006 and the gruelling routine of half an hour each way walk to nursery and then to work plus the working on work from 8pm until midnight plus the manipulative bosses (who had/have wives at home to look after kids) being totally unreasonable plus the fact my mum died a month before DD was born and I miss her all the time = I am somewhat losing the plot. That is a bit of an understatement.

So I guess the question is, do I just accept that you cannot do it all and find new, normal, job doing something that will never mean I have to work after 5.30 or weekends, or try and win against forces of chauvinism in the City of chauvinists?

Ideas welcome. Thank you.

OP posts:

ScummyMummy · 12/01/2007 23:14

No, not everyone, skiwear. I am a social worker, for example. How about you?

Soapbox · 12/01/2007 23:16

I think the lawyers are all missing the adrenaline of an 'allnighter' so congregate here instead

And I can say that because I am an accountant - LOL

skiwear · 12/01/2007 23:21

Just because I suddenly thought I might have crashed a party I hadn't been invited too and didn't want to offend!

jampots · 12/01/2007 23:24

im not i was a legal sec for many years

skiwear · 12/01/2007 23:24

Soapbox you're bloody funny for an accountant

controlfreaky2 · 12/01/2007 23:29

please dont think that skiwear.... but as you can see from parts of this thread we can quite hapily offend each other without your help.....

controlfreaky2 · 12/01/2007 23:30

soapbox, it is true that there are a lot of adrenaline junkies in this line of work..... and people who think they are truly indispensible (dahlink)...

Judy1234 · 12/01/2007 23:34

jp, why do you think I think what I do is important? I've not said that. I've explained why I like it and I'm lucky that I like it. There are a lot of other things I would have equally enjoyed. We need all kinds of people in all sorts of jobs from the call centre operative in India to whoever makes our clothes in China even down (or up for who is to say they're below us) to the wasps in the garden I suppose, all part of what keeps everything ticking over.

jampots · 12/01/2007 23:36

so why do you assume someone would rather be a doctor than a nurse unless they didnt cut the mustard?

controlfreaky2 · 12/01/2007 23:39

is it the status or the money aspect that you think is key xenia?

Soapbox · 12/01/2007 23:46

TBH - I have warmed a lot to Xenia recently. She has shown considerable restraint in the face of a pretty constant stream of very pointed posts digging at her.

Whilst I don't for a minute think that Xenia's black and white world is totally representative of RL, neither does it deserver the ridicule that she sometimes attracts.

She speaks the truth as she sees it. No mealie mouthed - oh I don't care whether my child is a street sweeper, a drug addict or a merchant banker - as long as they are happy. She would prefer them to be a doctor to a nurse - but has said, that they are free to choose.

I totally value the contribution my cleaner, my DC's nanny, the garderer etc etc add to my life - in fact I couldn't do it without them, but nevertheless, I would rather do my job that theirs.

jura · 12/01/2007 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

controlfreaky2 · 12/01/2007 23:49

oh soapbox..... stop angling for that invite....

Soapbox · 12/01/2007 23:51

Oh Jura - they do! Although I do much less of it now that I used to do - the beauty of a 'desk job', says she having struggled to see her desk in weeks

Soapbox · 12/01/2007 23:52

CF - no way - those kind of islands might have... shock... horror... spiders!!!!!!!

jura · 12/01/2007 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fortyplus · 13/01/2007 00:26

Have lurked on this thread but resisted temptation to comment (most unlike me!)
Re: Lawyers finding a job to fit in with young family; I have a good friend who is a Legal Advisor (Contract Law) at a large multinational firm. For a number of years she dealt with the UK Office 9.30 - 3pm then wen to pick up her children from school - did the friends back/teatime/story/bath/bed routine then started dealing with their American Office till around 2am.
She loves her job - gets to spend loads of time with the children and earns megabucks. The only downside is that she's perpetually knackered and her marriage broke up a few years ago. I don't think she would consider that she's put her career before her children and I don't believe that the breakdown of her marriage was caused by her demanding job.

fortyplus · 13/01/2007 00:26

fortyplus · 13/01/2007 00:28

I've obviously spent far too much time with young children - my brain is so addled that I posted that twice!

Judy1234 · 13/01/2007 09:58

Yes, fp, people work these things out. Men have many similar issues too. I know a lot of men with young babies and they want to be with them more (or want to be in the office more because babies are hard work etc) just as much as many women. I think having small children is just very hard full stop and being in one of these uber demanding jobs (which you probably love) can be hard too. Yet I wouldn't not want to be a mother nor would I not want to do my work and I am so glad I had five children and did the work I like.

On the question of why was I questioning how anyone would choose to be a nurse over a doctor if they were clever enough to do either I still question it. It's not just money and status (and I'm not sure many go into medicine for money - if you've got AAA in your A levels and going to a good university medicine is not the best way to make a lot of money as all student know). I think the work itself is intrinsically more interesting. Just say compare what I do and someone serving at Tesco. Why do I prefer what I do? Pay obviously. Status to some exent. Control is abig thing and I think one difference between say lemur at 2 years qualified and equity partners in the City. It is definitely easier, I found as I got older, to determine your life, even your working life and of course I've done things in the night for clients but I feel I control it to a much greater extent than if I were on the Tesco checkout rather than the board.

The most stress is suffered by people with the least control. One reason parents at home with babies may be find that hard too - hardest of all to make a baby do what you want, in fact it's wrong to do that.

fortyplus · 13/01/2007 13:32

Very true - but I do think that most people are not motivated by money to the same extent as you. I'm not saying that your outlook is wrong - but I often feel when reading your posts that you look down on those of us whose brains work in a different way.
I know I've told you before - I worked for 15 years before having children but then gave up work for 12 years. I now work in Housing for my Local Council - 17 hours a week for the equivalent of about £13 an hour... peanuts compared to what I could be earning, but I don't care.
I have a happy marriage and certainly don't consider myself a drudge. Neither am I a 'trophy wife' (snorting at the very idea!) who spends half her waking hours at the gym or out to lunch.
I've fulfilled various voluntary roles over the years.
So - although I have undoubtedly 'wasted' my intellect, I don't have any regrets. Well... maybe one... I was 32 when I had ds1; looking back I wish I'd had my first child a little earlier - maybe at about 28.

Judy1234 · 13/01/2007 19:33

I'm not sure it is the money that mostly motivates me. I would be in business if it were that perhaps. I don't look down on anyone. I think it's a shame when people don't enjoy what they do whether that's full time work, part time or full time parenthood; but I suppose I also think may be we're not here to enjoy ourselves anyway. I was never very happy with the US thing of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

I don't know what "wasted intellect" is really. May be we should all be in contemplative religious orders praying or cleaning floors as a sacrifice to God or a kind of meditation in convents or if we're clever should we concentrate on building capital to give away as Bill Gates is doing or should we work in laboratories on life saving drugs or is the input to one child that mothers and fathers put in a contribution enough. I have no idea but I'd never suggest lawyers and accountants had some kind of monopoly on best life.

I will say it's fun though and money makes some things easier.

drosophila · 13/01/2007 21:16

Xenia do you do pro bono work (is that the right term/spelling) and if you do will you do some for us MNers who need help?

I am civil servant and you would be surprised to learn that even we can be asked to do all nighters. I used to do investigative work involving a lot of our of hours work but changed when I had kids. I now work with people who work a lot with Ministers and they can do extremely long hours with none of the mega bucks some on here get. Having said that I think some of them think they are doing the Lord's work.

Judy1234 · 13/01/2007 21:21

It's interesting. I had a friend who left because he was called by God. The last 15 years seem to have been internal rivalry, 6 years of training, not got a parish, dealing with difficult internal politics all the time and of course he now lives on an absolute pittance. I'm not sure he is even happier in any way. Lots of people think the grass is greener and then find it's worse, they've burned their boats and they haven't even got the money to buy a few comforts.

I found mumnet because I was giving an interview about the case that may not speak its name... does that count as my pro bono contribution?

drosophila · 13/01/2007 21:25

Don't know? I guess so.

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