Help - any City lawyers thinking of not going back to work?

[muffinchops]

I am coming to the end of my maternity leave and am a senior litigation assistant with a large City firm. My dh is a corporate lawyer with another City firm and will be going for partnership over the next year and so, effectively will not be around.

I enjoy my job but since I had my ds who is now 8 months, I am an emotional wreck about leaving him. My firm is not flexible-worker friendly and, realistically, I cannot see how I could fulfill my role on a part time basis. I already feel bad for taking my full year's entitlement.

If I don't go back, I will have to carve out a new role somehow as I need to do something for me having worked so long and hard to get where I am today.

There's certainly an argument for trying going back and see how it pans out. Am going mad though with indecision and am adept at convincing myself one way and then the other (handy legal skill!!)

Am not a sahm type, but adore spending time with my ds and would just need to think of other things I could do.

Am lining up a meeting with my boss, hopefully this week in order to stop myself procrastinating further and in an attempt to move forward and make a decision.

Would love to hear from any like-minded bods who know the score re life in a City law firm.

Hi muffinchops. I also used to work for a large city firm (same one as Issymum in fact! one of the big three). After my first child I went back full time, after my second went back full time but worked fridays from home, and then moved into industry for a 4day week (but half from home). I am now on maternity leave from that job with my third, and wondering how/when/on what basis to go back. Professional support was never an option for me as I loathe all the sorts of things that that work entails (research, reading actual statutes etc). Again if you'd like to contact me for a chat or email chat I'd be happy to help if I can. Or just be a sounding board for all your various pro and con arguments (I know exactly what you mean btw)

i can actually.... a few. and one, who has been working part time after both of her first 2 children, was just made up to full partnership this year I was really pleased to hear. in project finance. so amazingly, it does happen. bloody difficult, bloody rare, but possible.
I think she is superwoman though.

muffinchops, I qualified as a litigator in a large city firm, and know exactly what you mean by the environment not being flexible-worker friendly - unless you were already a partner. I have a friend still there who is technically working flexibly, but gets hugely stressed by it, and has already been turned down for partnership at least once. The unspoken feeling is that people who can't drop everything at no notice to work until 2am or over the weekend aren't pulling their weight - despite the fact that they are still probably meeting their billing targets. Might not be true any more, but was certainly the case before I went in house about 7 years ago. Can be tricky enough juggling everything even being in house, but at my company they are used to people being out on projects, so working from home on an occasional/regular basis really isn't an issue.

I'm sorry, I'm not sounding very helpful in respect of your situation, I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if you are going to try and work flexibly in your current firm, then do make sure everything is set in stone and clearly understood and stick to it from the start - my friend made the mistake of trying to be helpful and flexible in the early days following her return, with the result that if she does take her agreed, entitled, time off/early finishes, she's made to feel that somehow she's bending the system & taking advantage, not them! She regrets not beinn forceful enough at the outset.

Meant to say that my friend's husband was able to take time out to be the primary carer too.

Hiya - I've got two little children & still do City transactional work. I'm not a partner though and have said that they shouldn't consider me (matter of mental health as far as I'm concerned). It's a bit of a lonely life ... hence the Mumsnet attachment.

Like others below, happy to tell you all about it. I'll try to contact you if that's OK, as I think contacting me doesn't work.

Muffinchops, I sympathise completely. Like you, I'm a senior litigation assistant in a magic circle firm. I went back to work around 6 months ago, when my ds was 4.5months old. I know exactly what you mean about the "emotional wreck" bit, but I can tell that, if you do decide to go back, it does get easier. You need to make sure you have excellent support from whatever childcare you arrange (in my case, I'm lucky because my dh is very supportive too). I really thought I would not be able to cope, but have realised that ds is very adaptable, actually seems very contented (it's easier once you realise you're the one that's suffering and at least ds is ok!) My only advice would be to give it a try, you have worked long and hard to get where you are and (probably) would find it hard not to go back at all. Nothing is for ever and you can always change your mind once you are back! Let us know what you decide...

Hi binkie,

Would be delighted to hear from you. Must say to all who have responded so far this is my first dabble on 'mumsnet' and am absolutely bowled over by the nature of the responses and support already - what an excellent bunch! I feared I was going to have to take to the streets with a clipboard accosting professional looking women and interrogating them as to what they do and how they cope.

I read articles on go getting career women and go 'Yeah, I am woman hear me roar...' and then I read articles on those same women who have jacked it in to do something different so they can see their kids and go, 'Ahhhhhh....'. Schizophrenia is setting in!!

muffinchops, i'm not a lawyer, but i do work in the city with a small child and another on the way (i'm going back when she's born). my advice is avoid all articles in the media about working mothers - ime they are very unrealistic, either way too upbeat or make you feel like it's all utterly impossible and you might as well not bother. you will need to find a solution that works for you in your specific situation. how do you feel about your dh not being around for the next year or so? is that something you have decided together?

serenequeen, am not going to relish dh having to succumb to endless all nighters on corporate deals (nor is he, I imagine) and will have to restructure my life a bit more to gather a supportive network. It is a decision we made together and knowing the industry will help me deal with the absences altho' will not be without a few diva moments and the occasional hissy fit otherwise I would have to be a vulcan!

Muffinchops, have sent you a message - NB can take a few days to get forwarded. Generally agree about ignoring media re working mothers (reality - ie unending admin - not very headline-grabbing, and anyway it's the reality for all mothers I think) - only exception is Libby Purves, whose books are worth reading (if you haven't already).

also not a lawyer but am a partner in a Big 4 accountancy firm. happy to share experiences if that would be helpful.

Am amazed at how many city lawyers/accountants/bankers etc are on this board! Have just read the thread and am also a city lawyer (tax and trusts) and have just been through the decision making process. I had hoped to stay at home but found it a combination of tough and enjoyable, and decided in the end that my best option was to work part time.... but my firm demanded at least a four day week.... which wouldn't work with two hour commuting each way - would never see DD at that rate. I am not sure what to do next- am looking at local firms but am worried about the type of work I would get. Am considering working from home but not sure what I could sensibly do. So, none of that will help muffinchops much, but would also love to hear from other people in similar situation and how you have resolved things. All advice appreciated!

Hi Lisa2912. A 2hr commute each way sounds really gruelling and you would probably end up doing 5 days in 4 on top of that.

Where do you live? i.e is it a sizeable town where you may get some decent work. I think there may be a danger in not only not finding the work interesting having worked in the City (unless consciously that aspect doesn't bother you as long as you are still practising), but there is the whole admin aspect and the way a place is run.

Would you find working from home isolating at all? Not much help, but just a few things to consider, given I am chewing over alot in my mind too.

hi, I was a city lawyer, but gave it all up (about a month ago)when my ds was 5yo - so I did do it for a few years, first fulltime and gradually reducing to 3 days a week. I found it ok while ds (and siblings) were babies, but I found it really tough once ds started school, basically I didn't feel that I was involved with his school (he goes to a state school, so I think it is even more necessary to be involved), and my bosses wouldn't contemplate letting me work from home/doing shortened hours. I also worked on my days off, and both bosses and clients had no problem with phoning me. My boss told me I had no chance of partnership while I was doing 3 days, and although on the one hand I didn't mind, I was disillusioned as I was still expected to do after hours things.

I didn't think I would enjoy being a sahm either (and it is still early days), but I am enjoying it - it is brilliant to have left the stress of the constant juggling behind - although there are downsides.

Again, contact me if you want to chat further.

I would think about working from home, but not necessarily as a lawyer (as I would hate being a sole practitioner) .... has anybody tried doing anything else? Would love to hear how you get on and what you decide to do.

We live in Maidstone, so not that large a town, but near Tunbridge Wells and Sevenoaks, so there might be some opportunities there. In some ways I don't mind what I do for the next year or so, but once DD (and any siblings) have gone to school, I might go back more fulltime (eg 9-3 if that's possible, so the opposite of Pollyanna!) and I would like that work to be interesting.

I think part of the problem for me is having worked so long I am used to being in control of my day - and that doesn't happen any more! Also we moved here from London 6 weeks before DD was born, so I don't have a real social life here yet. I think family/friends around can really make a positive difference to being a sahm.

Good luck with your choices!

a meek hello here from a non-city lawyer. Have you thought about a complete transfer of your skills to environments that are more child-friendly? The two that spring to my mind are academia/lecturing (about which I know nothing) and the ngo sector (where I work). I'm a policy adviser for an international ngo - which also employs legal advisers. Don't be put off by "voluntary" sector stereo-types ("voluntary" scector is a big misnomer) I work in a professional environment with many highly-qualified people - most of whom are at least bi-lingual. It's challenging work and I love it. And we're pretty good at being family-friendly - not perfect but not bad. Money, of course, is a different story and you won't get anything like your current earnings.

On a different tack I have a friend who switched law-firms, post-children, from a city one to a more family-friendly one and it seems to be working well - so it seems that they do exist.

I am a senior litigation lawyer in a magic circle firm and work 5 days a week at the moment - my dd is 18 months old and I have been back about a year. I echo everyone's comments about needing great childcare and support from dh if it is to work. To reassure you, it does get easier in many ways (until they get older and start to need you more, I am told) - I am sure I suffer more than dd. In saying that, I am constantly questioning what I do and looking for alternatives which would achieve that sought after work life balance. I try to leave at 5.30pm every night and usually do it - although I almost always log in after 7.30pm when dd has gone to bed. The partners seem OK with that as I get my work done and maintain the good quality. If you don't make yourself leave on time, no-one will help you and once they get used to it it won't be an issue any more.
Let us know how you get on with your boss and good luck!

i would echo what jojobingo and others have said about a supportive dh being absolutely essential. just a little concerned for muffinchops as it seems unlikely her dh will be around for her...

Hatter, it was really interesting to hear from you. I certainly would consider changing the type of work I do, and what you do sounds worth looking into for me - especially as I speak two other languages and have never had a chance to use them! Do you have any useful tips for finding out about ngos that might be able to use me (obviously not necessarily as a lawyer - am happy to do other things as well!) The money is less of an issue - as long as I can pay for reasonable childcare I don't need to bring in lots (we were planning on me not working, but I may need to do something to retain my sanity/identity!).

Thanks for any advice!

Another radical suggestion, if you are a litigator already, but probably less radical a change than becoming sahm: come to the Bar, be your own boss, decide your own practice development, hours of work, and holidays, tell clients that you are unavailable outside business hours, earn money by the hour, go home and play with your baby when cases get adjourned or settle, market yourself to chambers as a pupillage candidate easily because you already have a huge lay client base and professional network, but, bear all your own financial and professional risk and don't get paid anything by your clients for the first 18 months!