Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

You should not tell your children until you have worked out fully what is going to happen next and what it means for them.

They always seem to come to these realisations around exams season/ results season…

Honestly I kind of think you tolerating him cross dressing is a bit “you’ve mad your bed now lie in it” but I do feel for you and your poor boys. Just cut him off now and file for divorce. Get your sons a good councillor and make sure they’ve got people to talk to. If you have any family or really close friends you can talk to I think you should open up to someone in real life.

Sort your finances because he absolutely will try and fuck you over and spend all the family money on bodycon dresses from shine.

Quite.

Immovable point of truth.

Watch whilst he starts spending loads of money on his fetish OP or you can get divorce rolling now. I would not be supporting this in front of the teens. Poor kids.

You absolutely cannot change sex. You can’t biologically and you can’t physically. A man can of course put on a dress and even get plastic surgery but he is still a man and we can always tell it’s a man. This nonsense has to stop. It’s funny when women were discriminated against in everyday life there weren’t many men coming out as their ‘true selves.’ It’s a sexual fetish that they lobbied hard for and attached themselves to the LGB. Now it’s acceptable to walk around and engage others in your fetish.

And legally, when it comes to women’s toilets, changing rooms and anywhere for women only, men are men, including “trans women”. Thanks to the brilliant persistence of women, like many of this female centred board, who don’t just roll over when men demand. And the vast majority of people agree with this.

Choosing not to remain married to a man with body dysmorphia does not mean you are against trans people or a trans hater no matter what he tells you.

You married a Man and if he feels that he is no longer a Man then he should remove himself from the marriage. I suspect he won’t though and you’ll have to file for Divorce.

I know a couple who had this to deal with but they don't have children. They had been married for 10 years and were both 40 when the husband had a gender reassignment operation. The wife is not gay. He had the operation, is now known as the female version of the original male name and the wife has a boyfriend. They are still married, still live together in what people assume is a gay marriage and just bought what they call their forever house. That was 10 years ago and they seem happy. Not for everyone though, some would want to split I guess. The woman in the relationship comes over as the more assertive individual to me.

Steve is still Steve at work. But probably expects Grace who he works with to undress with him if he goes swimming as Stephanie.

This is where it all falls apart.

Grace is supposed to just suck up and enable to this and to put aside her discomfort and the fact she deals with Steve otherwise on a daily basis.

It's simply not fair to women to do this.

The same goes for a wife. Similar sentiment but worse and with more emotionally abusive charge.

If sex is defined by your genes ( and even if you have DSD, the genes define if you are male or female with specific DSD) then you can’t change sex.

you can only change sex if you first make sex out to be much more than it really is.

which is insulting to women who have had to put up with gender bollocks for millenia

I do think that the advice to stop your OH telling the boys tomorrow is very important. Before this happens you and your OH need to have sorted out how you both plan to manage the future otherwise they will be left with a raft of unanswered questions as well as having to come to terms with what their father has decided.

Do not let him gaslight you into feeling you are intolerant for not embracing his decision. Be clear with him: this changes the whole basis of our marriage contract and things cannot stay the same. Do not get sucked into the trans agenda; just say a change that is this fundamental cannot go through on the nod and that you need to make your own decisions about what you want to do next before you tell the boys.

She is really not in control of whether he tells her son. All she can do is speak her mind honestly and then makes choices based on how he reacts to what she says, how he behaves and how she feels about that.

Ah yes, the good old, "Bad trans people are not real trans people." Nothing transphobic in this, of course.

I don’t think the op is the one who needs to “seek expert advice”. Or her husband to be fair, since he probably knows exactly what he is doing.

People can nor change sex.

Gender is not the same as sex .

Some men do get a sexual kick out of wearing womens clothes, and quite often they have their secret life in a carrier bag in the wardrobe. It is a recognised fetish, called autogynephilia.

HTH.

Where would this “expert advice” come from, additionally? Many therapists have swallowed the kool aid entirely.

She ensured that her ex knew how to dress/correct mannerisms etc.

So she had to teach him how to act like a woman? Aren’t we told they have female brains so it should be instinctive?

Sick of this misogynistic pandering bullshit.

Worth watching that clip to the end to see Shon ( who has apparently written a book) try to defuse the arguments of Professor Lord Robert Winston, formerly Emeritus Professor at Imperial College who previously spent a life time of internationally acclaimed research and academic excellence in this very area.

Robert 5 Shon 0.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, not the trans issue, it's happening to lots of families and everyone should live how the feel safest and comfortable, that means you too.
How is life split before now? established male/female roles? Is he looking to change that up too? Are you going to be coming home to a cooked dinner and washing done if that's what you have been doing till now? Basically what are you going to get out of this? It's not about how he dresses but expectations coming from that. If sex is off the table as you aren't interested in women, what does he think you will gain? Your not just there to support him without anything back, if he wants to live as a woman, your roles need discussed. Hrs totally full of how his life is going to be once he's fully living as a woman, what's his sexual preferences as a female? He might not be lesbian either! He wants same life same wife but as a different person, that now needs deconstructed and looked at, which sounds like it won't stand up to that big a change, not many would.
I imagine he wants support to get through huge change in his/her life, kids, work, family, friends all ticked off as sorted with you being there as a partner should, without offering partner support to you.
You sound very accepting and loving, you can support from further away and hopefully keep a good relationship with them in future but it's their decision, their new life you will only be assisting them till they don't need you. They are on their own journey now

No one can change sex…say posters. Yes they can. It’s traumatic and controversial… but it’s ignorant and bigoted to say trans people do not exist.

Trans people cannot change sex - they can choose to adopt the social styles of the opposite sex and they can have drugs and surgery to change their outward appearance/voice. But genetically they will always be the sex they were born in. Nothing changes that and all the trans people I know are fully aware of that.

Saying that trans people cannot change sex is not saying that trans people do not exist. If people feel a deep need to make the changes above in order to be happy, that is fine and I respect their need and right to pursue this. But they cannot change their genetic sex.

And yet they never answer the question as to how can you tell the 'real' transwomen from the fake predatory ones.

Of course you can. Real transwomen are the ones who haven't been caught being predatory. If they do commit a crime they only cease to be predatory upon conviction and not a moment before despite how traumatic it might be for a victim. They are real up until the moment of conviction at which point they become inconvenient. Unless you are Scottish. Then all bets are off because Nicola still thinks they aren't taking the piss. But then Nicola didn't notice her own husband nicking £400k so...

No one can change sex…say posters. Yes they can. It’s traumatic and controversial… but it’s ignorant and bigoted to say trans people do not exist.

Oh, don't be so silly @Merrycritictime

It is worth noting that there are men who have previously been in straight relationships, who identified as trans and then ended up in a T4T relationship with another man who identifies as trans. I don't know if it's the fact that their dating pool greatly reduces after modifying their bodies that causes this, or the being able to claim that they are in a 'lesbian relationship' that appeals? Maybe it actually is true love?

I’m sorry this is happening to you. From my understanding this will escalate and he won’t stop, he’ll be on hormones and saying he’s a lesbian before you know it. You don’t have to put up with it but you do have to tread carefully with your children. I’d see a solicitor for financial advice first of all, find a sympathetic one. You may be entitled to lots of benefits you’re unaware of. Personally I’d rather struggle financially than live with my husband if he did this. I’d ask/tell him you can’t stop him doing this but if he does you want him to leave the marital home. It’s up to him to choose, family or fulfilling his fetish (as this is what it is). A man near us goes around the WI telling his story, which is very similar to your husband’s. Part time cross dresser, wife consented until children, then she asked him to keep it private. Once kids were gone he went full time. When wife was in hospital being treated for cancer, he had full genital surgery and goes into graphic details. Wife still doesn’t know he’s had it (he says gleefully). He pushes his wife around in a wheelchair. If you don’t want to be that wife, I’m afraid your marriage is over. Good luck, you’ll be fine, eventually. Join the Women’s Rights Network and you’ll get loads of support. There are also groups for “trans widows”.

Very enlightening of you 😵‍💫