Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

Do trans people exist? Of course they do.
Can they change sex? No they can’t. They can present as the opposite gender but they can’t change sex.

That poor woman. Still he won’t be a WI member much longer at least.

Pps have said they're sexually aroused by their family, kids included knowing. Doesn't that make them perverts?

This is a woman’s life and there’s 24 hours worth of posters pontificating generalities. It’s only us that this happens to.

By what mechanism does a man instantly become a woman when he utters the magic words 'I identify as a woman'. Talk us through that process.

Just divorce him. If he’s really now a woman and you’re not a lesbian, neither of you should want to stay together.

It is in essence: 'here is my chosen internal reality and I would like you to enable it without independent participation or thought'.

It's not difficult to understand why from the pov of the transitioner, or that yes, it would be much nicer for them if this reality could exist uninterrupted but no relationships or interactions with others can work in this way, and certainly not marriages or parenthood. Not only can other people not be successfully programmed in this way to shift perceptions obediently as they download each inputted command, it's not a healthy or ethical desire or view of others. Healthy others have boundaries, autonomy, sense of self, feelings and needs and histories of their own, and perceptions of their own. Any relationship where they're not free to express this equally and have equal share in give and take, needs and need meeting, is sadly not one it's a good idea to stay in.

I'm not the one saying humans can change sex, and thinking that someone who says "Humans can't change sex" means "Transpeople don't exist."

Don’t waste your time listening @ChamonixMountainBum

Unless you’re after a chuckle!

I don’t need to as I never suggested they could

MN is not transphobic but there are a lot of people on here who know you cannot change sex. That is not transphobic it is a fact.

Debating generalities is more important to you all than helping this woman, isn’t it?

Why bother your head over analysing what to do and how to do it in the situation. You did not marry a woman (the woman he thinks he is), full stop, nothing will change that.

Sorry to be so blunt and crude, but I'd tell him to f off to the far side of F and he can speak to my lawyers. If he tells your sons without your agreement, I'd nearly murder him. You have to avoid that for now.

@Merrycritictime

Females have two X chromosomes (XX).MALES have one X chromosome and one Y chromosome (XY)

That is a biology fact. Females have a uterus , men don’t. A man in a dress isn’t a woman , he has or had a penis - that is a man.

This could all go horribly wrong and if you just separate you could become financially vulnerable. Your focus now must be on your and your children’s financial stability. As other have said, find a family solicitor urgently and take advice on how to protect your financial position. These situations can get ugly quite quickly.

And neither am I

To quote you @Merrycritictime

No one can change sex…say posters. Yes they can

When relationships end people change. Get legal, now. Protect yourself and your kids.

Perhaps there should now be a new clause in the law on annulment!

That is genuinely a good idea

I'd worry that would leave women more financially vulnerable than divorce.

Not if framed in such a way so as not to

lol. Typical TRA answer.

There is, if someone applies for a GRC. Their spouse has the right to have the marriage annulled before the GRC is granted, rather than having to divorce.

Agreed

This isn’t the place to rehash the trans debate

@Swampdweller has set out her position on that, and the question is about what she should do, and how to deal with her feelings