Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

Presumably she left at a time when they were still teaching facts.

Transvestite.... describes him.
Transsexual....i bet he wont cut his dick off.

OP, don't put up with his shit. He can go live his truth elsewhere ffs.

Whilst TWAW and trans identity is absolutely real

nah @JadeLeader

I wouldn’t bother engaging with @JadeLeader . Hopefully will come to her / his senses eventually

Exactly! I mean, buying pink Sure? Honestly…

She married a lying tow rag. That's enough to end the relationship. And no, people, don't change sex. Sex is determined at the moment of conception.

I’d be filing for divorce today tbh.
I honestly think this is abusive. It’s a complete betrayal. Be very kind to yourself op - don’t underestimate the impact of this on you emotionally. He needs to leave the house.
big hug xxx

Selfish git.

No they can't and that's a scientific fact.

This is her husband of 20+ years, 20+ years ago people saying they were transgender was rare, so if someones partner told them they were a crossdresser they may well have believed that they were just a crossdresser. I would imagine that many would have also found it extremely offensive at the time to assume a crossgender was going to claim to be transgender later on, and I would imagine that still is considered offensive now, to both people who say that they are crossdressers and to people who claim to be transgender.

So you're trying to be all PC here and yet being extremely ignorant and offensve yourself 😂😂

Love that for you.

I’ve always said I would never, ever stay with anyone who did this, stick to your principles.
How supportive would he be if you became a man?

I’d be inclined to start dressing as a dog ‘just around the house’ and then act outraged when he doesn’t want to carry on as normal. Absolutely ridiculous selfish man. Your poor children. Leave!

I get the nuanced part of your response re: the perception of transvestite as it was once called (dressing as a woman), particularly for former generations, v transexual, ie wanting to change genders… and I accept I was making a somewhat sweeping statement re: the OPs understanding (or confusion) of his evolving condition, (as she viewed the situation). So for that I accept I was somewhat harsh, and stand corrected. Emotion is also nuanced. However…her current response that his attitudes re: his sexual orientation have arrived almost out the blue and she’s affronted that he/(they?) want to include their children in the conversation seems, again, naïve. Once more I reference her description ’bag in the back of the wardrobe’. That may wash with children who don’t need to know, but children grow up. Discussion is good! But arbitrary attack (‘trying to be all PC’) is odd and in that particular, you’re simply wrong. I’m not trying to be anything.

Yes you have been tolerating this and he has interpreted it as support

he doesn’t need to agree to leave your solicitor will handle his leaving

Well you are being PC then, not trying to be.

Note that being politically correct is not the same as being correct.

You made a factually incorrect statement that people can change sex.

However…her current response that his attitudes re: his sexual orientation have arrived almost out the blue and she’s affronted that he/(they?) want to include their children in the conversation seems, again, naïve.

To call it naive is to once again suggest that she should have known and should not be surprised, in which case you do appear to be suggesting that we should make assumptions about transvestites and start assuming their 'gender' for them regardless of what they claim their gender to be, which is surely extremely offensive going by your framework.

Of course she's affronted that he would want to include their children in the conversation, the OP hasn't even had a chance to decide what she wants and he's making the decision and trying to tell her how to feel and he's gaslighting her that it's her choosing not to carry on 'as normal'. That is not a safe starting point for a conversation with the children, and it's incredibly naive of you to think that any woman would not be affronted by that.

🤯 that’s exactly the point. You are making stuff up in your head. It doesn’t make any sense.

You erode a biological sex class entirely and add in the spicy thought that you think you can distinguish between ‘true trans’ or otherwise. Trans rights activists would call you transphobic.

All men are men. ‘Trans women’ are men. The law and vast majority of humans know that.

This is so hilarious. 🤣

What is a cat?

If you can’t tell what a cat is you won’t understand my answer.

If it’s incapable of being explained then it’s nonsensical.

Your position is entrenched I see. I stand by my own. I suspect it’s pointless to say ‘let’s agree to disagree’, and I’ve said all I need to say. Have a pleasant weekend.

Selfish selfish man.
Go, divorce, live your best life and look after yourself and kids. This selfish fucker is now and will always be all about himself.

OP, I haven’t read all the replies but just wanted to say that it is too soon to tell your sons. He has dropped a bombshell on you and wants to do the same to your teens before you have even had time to process it yourself. You need to be strong to be able to support them through this and he needs to understand and respect that. He is the adult. They are still children.
it doesn’t matter how kind your boys are, their father telling them that he is a woman will seriously mess with their heads. They would be kind if it was the dad next door. They will be upset and angry and confused and embarrassed because it is their dad.
Your husband has a mental illness - don’t be conned into thinking that he has a gendered soul or that he is born in the wrong body. Maybe he is gay but has internalised homophobia. Maybe he is an autogynaephile. Whatever the root cause, he is being incrvediby selfish. I would suggest getting yourself a knowledgeable therapist to talk to (try Therapy First). So sorry you are going through this.

It’s not too soon to tell your teens. He is going to do this. If not now, at some point. The marriage is over whatever he decides on the short term. That cat is well and truly out the bag.

I would want to take my boys out today and tell them. Without him there.

I knew someone who was trans. They told their wife in a similar manner, obviously massive shock and ultimately it ended the marriage but they continued to be close emotionally. She ensured that her ex knew how to dress/correct mannerisms etc.

I know Mumsnet is incredibly transphobic so you may not get measured answers here. But from my experience with this ex colleague, the transition was absolutely nothing to do with the marriage but ultimately something that had been there since childhood. And transitioning was like a rebirth.

Really hard to understand if you’ve never had gender issues (and we’re all lucky not to, there’s such rage and hate towards these people).

Please try to see it isn’t you, it isn’t personal, and it’s a horrible journey for your husband and it is a huge shock for you.

The others will now come along and tell you he’s a pervert and a disgrace.

Well I would certainly not agree to disagree that people can change sex, because it's simply an indisputable fact that they cannot.

I also would never agree with the 'you made your bed' attitude trying to imply she knew what she was getting into 20+ years ago when she very likely did not.

And I also don't agree with 'discussion is good' when you seem to be coming at it from the angle that his approach to it is fine and OP is wrong to be affronted by it. If he approaches it like he has with the OP then the discussion could be extremely harmful.

The OP may well be fine with the conversation if her husband were to tell the children he wants to transition and will be moving out and looked like he was intending on handling the conversation sensitively. Considering how he has gaslighted the OP she has every right to be concerned.about the conversation.

So yes it was pointless to say 'let's agree to disagree' because I just cannot agree to disagree with harmful opinions.

Trans people do exist. In as much as they think they're a different sex and identify as such. That's where it begins and ends IMO. It doesn't actually make them so.

Is there any correlation between this group of people and transvestism which IS a kink despite what you say.

The main issue that many have is that many of these husbands end up being completely insensitive to their partner and try to tell them how they should think, feel and react, and demand support and sensitivity while giving their partner none and often try to claim that they are transphobic if they don't want to carry on in the relationship.

Will you acknowledge that at all or instead just ignore that and look at the inevitable effects and outcomes of that and pretend that they just happened in a vacuum?

It is not transphobic to not want to continue the relationship. Start collating quietly as much financial information as possible including on his income and pension and and go and see a solicitor to find out what divorce could look like for you.
I would also ask him to not tell your sons just yet as you are still processing this news yourself.

@bozzabollix
And of course there are plenty of situations where a man claims that he felt this way for as long as he can remember, but didn't tell the wife, which is a huge betrayal and a horrible thing to do to another person.