Husband says he is a trans woman and wants to tell our children

[Swampdweller]

I’ve not spoken to a single living human about this…

My husband of 20+ years has always been honest with me that he enjoyed dressing as a woman, and I’ve been tolerant, even supportive, of some aspects as long as I don’t need to be involved and it’s never in our house.

He’s now told me he wants to be his authentic self and has been to the GP as he felt on the edge of a breakdown. He told me he is a trans woman and wants to live as we currently do, but with him having the freedom to dress how he wishes. Recently he’s been growing his nails and shaping them, and leaving ‘Sure for women’ deodorant in his stuff. This gives me a massive ick and I’ve felt it’s almost micro-aggressions to make me ‘agree’ to everything.

Tomorrow he has decided to tell our two teenage boys about it and wants me to be supportive. I think they will be kind but shocked.

I am beside myself on some levels. And veer between rage and despair. What do I want, I don’t know. He will not leave the house, I know that. His mum is late 80s and not local. I have savings and work part-time. I can’t leave my children. I do love him and if we had a larger spare room it would be easier to just live separately and let things happen gradually. He isn’t sure about hormone treatment yet. Which I don’t trust to be honest. He has told me he wants his cake and to eat it. I’ve said ‘it’s been great’, meaning any intimacy is out of the question. Has anyone else been through this? Will it always result in more? It has moved to this from just being a carrier bag in the back of the wardrobe. I’m frightened and sad.

My God.

Stand up for yourself and your kids woman.
I understand this is distressing and shocking but you need to, ironically, 'man up' and tell him this is not acceptable to you and you want a divorce.

What madness is this thought process? A woman can’t just become a lesbian. She either is one or isn’t one. Her husband deciding to become a transvestite doesn’t change his sex to female, nor does it ever mean his wife is a lesbian just because he is delusional.

Well yes I’m sure your male friend tediously bored on for hours about how he was reborn as the woman he was always meant to be. See my earlier post directed at the minority of people who lap it all up.

Can you ask him to delay telling kids fir you to let it sink in. You can take some advice about how to do that. Also see a solicitor about separating. So everything is ready for when you tell your sons.
Thinking of you op

Jesus H Christ he’s still a man. He will always be a man. She’s married to a man. NOTHING will ever change him from being a man.

You know, for someone who supposedly hates FWR, it’s really surprising how obsessed you are with your perception of it and what you believe transpires there.

Tribalism 101, indeed.

He’s not gay, therefore he is not attracted to gay men. Or any men. So he won’t be attracted to trans “women” either, because they are men. He’s primarily attracted to his penis, which he won’t be cutting off, as he loves it and himself too much. He is sexual aroused by the idea of himself as a woman.

Sex is not gender.

This is a rather fundamental point.

You can not change sex. You need to under English better and understand legal and medical terms better.

They are important to the health and wellbeing of transpeople. Without a reference to sex, the very legal status and the legal protections they have in law cease to exist.

You knew an emotionally abused woman who was controlled by her husband and didn't have enough self worth to do anything different but be his support human.

This isn't something to celebrate.

Haven’t RTFT but it’s amazing how these men can manage to overcome their distress of not being their ‘authentic selves’ when they’re at work.

I said she can't just become a lesbian that's the point. If my husband started presenting as female I wouldn't be attracted to him anymore because I'm not attracted to women since I'm hetero. It's a valid argument, I'm sorry but a trans woman just isn't a man anymore.

He’s already gaslighting you OP. Saying it’s you who can’t move on as normal, therefore this is a you problem.

you need to manage the boys really carefully, anything that happens now could damage them and their relationships long term.

Yoi need to make it clear to your DH that pretending nothings has changed is not acceptable for you and you need to make a plan together. This means you must find a solicitor.

remember, what you want doesn’t matter to him. From this point on he is only interested in himself and his desire to live openly as a transexual.

he will walk all over you and your boys to do it too.

deff search out Trans Widows.

I’m not sure why it’s fundamental that he is his authentic self but you have to accept whatever version of him that is. Tell him you want a divorce because you believe being a divorcee is your authentic self.

How is a trans woman not a man?

You do know that if your husband put on a dress he’s still a man?

As a lesbian, I promise you, my sexuality doesn't suddenly go 'whoopee, date potential' when a man pulls on a skirt. It really doesn't.

The most that a woman in the OP's position could do in that direction is agree to use the wording to create a performative illusion that she and he were in a lesbian relationship to validate his desires. And yes, I'll bet many hetero women would find that a turn off.

A trans woman isn’t a man anymore? Of course they are. Do you think a bit of lippy and heels and suddenly Steve becomes “a girl” 🤮as they say?

That’s the point of the “trans” bit. Nobody thinks men playing dress-ups are women. But it IS confusing nomenclature - TiM is better.

He’s saying it’s me choosing not to carry on ‘as normal’ - no, it is him changing the basic parameters of your relationship and he cannot expect things to continue as "normal", whatever that is. Do not succumb to the idea that it is all your fault and that you are creating the disruption - you are not; it is him.

I have a dearly-loved young relative on the transitioning path - I have told them that I simply do not get it as a life choice but that I love them and always will. So I do get what it's like to be confronted with something that is incomprehensible and having to find ways of navigating this.

He cannot change his sex, that goes without saying, but he can choose to act and dress as the opposite sex. However he cannot do this without considering the complications for you and the rest of his family. The trans movement can be very strident and regard anyone who has a problem with their choices as intolerant, rather than thinking about what it means to their nearest and dearest.

My biggest concern here is that your OH seems to be going down the route of labelling you as intolerant rather than taking on board that he cannot change the whole basis of your marriage without expecting some fallout. And he does need to stop thinking only of himself and think about you and your sons.

I think you should get some sound legal advice on how you might proceed on a practical level. The emotional side is much harder and I send you good wishes and strength in dealing with this.

Isn’t it amazing that he doesn’t want to be “his true self” at work. He wants his freedom. No he doesn’t. He wants you to be his handmaiden in his sexual fetish. He wants you to validate his kink. He wants you AND your boys to play along in his sexual fantasies. But this stunning and brave man is well capable of hiding his true self from the rest of society. Only you, his handmaid, must comply with his demands. He’s manipulating you. Next it will be financial blackmail. He’s even trying to force you to make your children comply with his sexual games for his sexual arousal.

Please watch this Behind the looking glass and look up/contact trans widows voices, and also look up autogynephilia. Do all this before you let him tell the boys and you are allowed a voice and opinion in this narrative too. This is not the marriage you signed up for and it's not fair on you or DC to expect you all to change everything about your lives so he can do whatever he wants. You do not have nothing, you are entitled to half and everything due of the partnership that you signed up for. He is not entitled to coercively control you and the family to continue his fetish, because I'm sorry to say that is what you are dealing with here. It's not gender dysphoria, it's a fetish that has been escalating for years and will continue to escalate. He will change the moment you say no. I'm so sorry he's putting you through all of this.

Absolutely onside with this. I would feel massively betrayed - defrauded even. I wish that women could sue men over this blatant violation of what they signed up for. Sex change is in no marriage vow ever.

You are very muddled about the meanings of words.

I dumped a guy once over this but we were two dates in - I was attracted to him as a man. So sorry you are in this mess OP, hope that you get a good chance at maintaining your lifestyle and avoiding him.

This 100%
In his warped mind he sees himself as being able to manipulate his family in order to fulfil his sexual fantasies.
It’s beyond nauseating.

Agree 100pc. Is there a good lawyer/specific divorce coach for this that our OP could seek advice from?

Tell him that you married him on the understanding that he is a man, and that your marriage would run on that basis. You are under no obligation to accept the situation, and just carry on as normal- and it is not reasonable for him to expect this.
See a lawyer, you have children you will keep the house and DH will have to leave.
No one can have their cake and eat it- not working mothers and not men who may wish to be a trans woman.