How to respond he/she?

[Manchesteruser]

Out with friends. One friend's son has a TIM friend. Obviously male but fake boobs and wearing a dress, about 25. Everyone refers to him 'as she'. I asked one, 'why do you refer to him as 'her/she' rather than 'he' and was told that that was what he prefers.

How would you have responded?

"Some male trans people are autogynephiles.
As are some cis people but that doesn't make all cis people AG."

Did you think before you replied? "Some male trans people" implies not all.

"So I think that leaves us with the chancers (prison onset gender dysphoria), crossdressers and teenagers swept up in a social contagion.
ROGD (social contagion) is an unproven theory. Cross-dressers are not trans."

That will be news to those crossdressers who claim to be trans. And ROGD bears all the hallmarks of a social contagion.

You do know that when someone quotes you in a reply they may not be arguing against you and trying to prove you wrong, they may be interested in the point you made but want to comment on it? It can be easy to take a different angle of a subject as criticism but it's often not intended as confrontational.

Thanks @OldCrone- I am familiar with some of the background and I’ll have a read of that too. I’m just always curious as to how people like @Baileyonice would explain the lack of cross dressers and transvestites in 2026. None of them seem to engage with that question.

I'm talking about people saying they'd leave the gathering or literally refuse to speak to the trans person. To me that's unnecessarily discriminatory.

Should an anorexic be ignored or people leave just because they are standing there minding their own business? Talking to them like they are human beings isn't pandering to them not eating enough?

If someone is making demands that you feel will lead to them kicking off and causing a scene if you don't adhere to them, what's your alternative solution?

Unfortunately this is a reality that some of us have had to deal with. I won't attend something that my brother is at because of his BEHAVIOUR not because he's trans.

My priority is my own well being not upholding someone else's delusional and antisocial behaviour.

Luckily, FastTrackFemme from the "arguing with a TERF" thread is able to answer your question @Waitingfordoggo

TL;DR - the transvestites are still here but they're spoiling everything for the proper transsexuals #sadface

The last line of that article takes the fucking biscuit (my bolding). He's complaining about the loss of a word and how damaging it is! The fucking cheek!

"But for those of us who lived through the old distinctions [note: he means between transsexuals and transvestites], the loss of the word has consequences. Because without it, too many people can’t see the difference and that difference matters"

https://www.fasttrackfemme.com/p/where-have-all-the-transvestites

Ok but it's cool to shun someone due to their behaviour. There's nothing wrong with that.

But the act of being trans or anorexic or having bpd or something aren't reasons to do so. Unless the person has actually done something wrong.

This isn't the case for everyone trans. I have had difficult conversations with others who I know well which haven't gone like this.

It depends on the individual but as a rule if it's a gathering of people you know you have a fair idea prior to the event of which camp they are likely to fall into.

The problem is that there's enough high profile individuals who have actively promoted this behaviour to make women wary of the situation and to self exclude in order to avoid conflict rather than create it. That in itself is no ok but reflective of where matters are because of activists who are regarded as some kind of authority (eg the likes of Maugham).

Thank you @GreyskySexRealistskyfor raising my blood pressure 😫😂

Now that reminds me of the old joke told to me by a transsexual 30+ years ago:

Q: "What's the difference between a transvestite and a transsexual?"
A: "About 2 years."

But ignoring the trans person or leaving the gathering is not because a trans person exists. It’s because there is an expectation of playing along with language that doesn’t reflect reality (and quite possibly the risk of being shunned if one doesn’t play along). If I were to use correct sex pronouns for a trans person at a social gathering, I would likely be accused of trying to bring politics into a social occasion.

If I was at a gathering where everyone was telling an anorexia sufferer they were a normal weight and I was expected to play along, I would have the same issue. In either scenario I would likely have to avoid the person or avoid the social gathering altogether so as not to join in with a game of the Emperor’s New Clothes.

But you don't have to tell the trans person you believe they're the opposite sex. Same as you don't need to talk about the anorexic's weight.

You don't have to call a trans person the pronouns they choose, but to call them to their face repeatedly the opposite is rude. Same as saying to an anorexic they look like a skeleton. Why not just not talk to them about their way of being?

But pronouns remain like telling an anorexic they are fat as far as I'm concerned. I wouldn't do that.

Morally and ethically I see it as a directly comparable scenario. So I won't use pronouns that are wrong sex for that reason as its harmful.

Don't lecture me about what I should or shouldn't do.

What do you mean by talk to them about their way of being? Do you mean why don’t you just talk to Trans people?

Well yeah, you don't need to talk to them about them being trans? You can just do normal small talk, have a laugh etc?!

Well if they can accept me using correct sex pronouns and me not going along with their delusion, I’d happily talk to them.

I wouldn’t randomly announce to a TIM that he is male, no. Unless he is heading for the women’s loos in which case I might point out that he is going the wrong way. I also am unlikely to use the pronouns he doesn’t like to his face- because I would be using ‘you’ rather than 3rd person pronouns.

In a similar vein, of course I would not tell an anorexic to their face that they are very underweight, but if someone else at the gathering says ‘Doesn’t [anorexic person] look well?’ I won’t be able to agree with them.

Unless they use the wrong single sex provision then I would have no interest in talking to them at all.

That sounds perfectly reasonable.

I'm sure you'll have a grand time. Just treat them like anyone else. As women we don't constantly think about calling eachother her or she. And by and large I speak to both sexes the same.

I've got trans family and one side there's the uncle who can't say 'their' pronouns and still uses their old name when they're not there. But he doesn't do it to their face and just avoids that side of things. But still can socialise and be close and caring to them.

I think so, but my worry would be about talking to other people at the gathering who are affirming of the trans person’s delusion. Many of the most rampant TRAs are not themselves trans. If someone says ‘Where’s Alex?’ and I say ‘Oh he’s gone to the bar’, I would fear being told off by other attendees for correctly sexing Alex. This would make me wary if I was attending a gathering with a trans person present, and would put me off attending at all if I suspected that all the other guests were happy to pretend Alex was a woman. I suppose in my example ‘gone to the bar’ is the easiest way round it 😂

Which part of the toxic behaviour did you not understand?

An uncle isn't impacted in the same way as a woman are they? It's relevant.

Ok fair enough. The trans family member is a bio woman. If that makes even more difference?

But I don't agree with shunning people or refusing to speak to them just because they're trans.

It doesn't make a difference no. Because ultimately the uncle still has less at stake than a woman.

A real person.

https://www.independentwomen.com/2026/05/26/at-14-i-endured-gender-affirming-care-ill-suffer-with-that-for-the-rest-of-my-life/