Daughter in early 20s lonely due to GC views

[Currentquandry]

My daughter is in her early twenties. She is GC and is struggling because so few of her peers have similar opinions. She is very lonely because of this. Are there any online groups she could join to give her a sense of community? She is also ND. Thank you in advance for your advice…

How long ago is "not that long ago"? Because I saw this playing out with my own children (both GC) and the ones where this peaked are the ones who are now in their very early 20s, like my dd who is 21. The kids who were 15/16 during lockdown. Some of those will have a very hard time to move on from it.

But the militant ones are the ones who are determining what can be said and what can't and it is really shit that everyone is afraid to say what they think for fear to become the target of the militants.

I'm in my late 30s. My oldest kid is 18. I am the second from youngest. My oldest nephew is 7 years younger than me. I have lots of young(er) people around me and I am not that old myself.

This issue is only as encompassing as it is in certain demographics. This isn't something that is prevalent in the lives of all young people, again, irrespective of their views or how strong those views are. Other people have other things going on.

Work on improving understanding and awareness of social norms, judging right time / context and wrong ones for different conversation topics. That’s often a skill that needs to be learned when ND.

Build friendships through common interests. Which at mid 20s might be new hobbies or previous hobby but through a new group.

Not everyone is afraid but nor does everyone feel the need to share their views at every given opportunity. Some people really resent being told that it isnt the time or place for a certain topic and to move on.

This is true. It hasn't stopped me making friends though.

I wouldn’t be surprised that holding GC views is making it difficult to make friends in her 20s. There’s a lot of strong group think. When I was in my early 20s, the outcast thing to do would be voting Tories. It perhaps wouldn’t get you expelled from a group but certain would have made you the butt of the joke, or opinions dismissed ‘well you vote Tories, so what do you know’ etc.

I think with increased demand on conforming to groupthink I can imagine things are a lot more brutal now around young people in their 20s (and I’m only mid-thirties so I’m not years away from this).

In terms of it coming up - you’d be surprised. All it takes is one single Trans/NB/Queer person or person-adjacent and it’s always there simmering below the surface. Particularly at college/ uni.

I also assume OP’s daughter’s autism is making it even harder on top of that.

What does she do, OP? Does she work? Study? Any particular interests? I think getting out and doing something more active is great for bonding with all sorts of people - walking groups, volunteering, etc. Start with what she enjoys and work from there in the first instance.

And no - don’t stop talking about important issues at home.

My ds is 18 and it was already different to his 3 years older sister. When he was about 15 pretty much all the girls in his year claimed to be nonbinary and pansexual and then it kind of stopped. I remember asking him if X is still nonbinary and he told me nobody was anymore, it's gone out of fashion. In dd's year there were three girls who claimed to be trans, I don't know what happened to one of them, the two others are taking testosterone and one of them is crowdfunding for surgery. Oh and one boy whose mother started a crowdfunder for surgery (don't know how that went). At university there are several fellow students who are trans or have various gender identities. There are big differences even between year groups that are very close together.

What do his parents do for work?

Whose parents?

How did you read my comment about finding interests and getting out into groups and take that response?

You seem incredibly invested in the OP and her daughter no longer talking about GC views amongst themselves. Why is it?

Your son's.

Becauae it sounds like the poor daughter has been emotionally damaged by her fixation on the issue. Not much differently to other young people who have the opposite views but are equally entrenched in the subject at the expense of normal socialisation.

This is the point. If she goes to a board games club or a ND group there will be trans identified people there and they will demand acquiescence.

Biologists both.

@GlovedhandsCeciliaHow have you jumped to "fixated on a subject"? When did the OP say that the problem around this topic as within the family? What a very odd and unhelpful response! "Get a hobby", really?!

OP, I appreciate you raising this subject. I have two daughters in their twenties who are very much in the TWAW camp. I can see why your DD must feel like the odd one out.

Bearing in mind a large percentage of biologically female trans people are ND, it might not go down too well if she mentions her views in an ND group

No, that’s your take. It only takes one trans-adjacent person to keep bringing up the conversation and her counter-view will get her shunned. You have made up a load of conjecture about the OP‘s daughter based on your own biases and are now trying to control what they should talk about based on your opinions.

They are fine to talk about it in their home.

By the fact she has no friends and the OP directly relates this to her GC views. That's what tells me that she speaks about it so much and with such intensity that she is repellent.

I think it's more likely that her neurodiversity is responsible for her loneliness than her GC views. It is often difficult for ND people to negotiate social situations and relationships.

I think helping her with that is the way to go.

No, if that trans adjacent person also can't hold conversations about anything else, people will shun them like they shun the daughter.

The daughter doesn't have to repeat her views any time the topic is raised. She can keep quiet. Nobody has to hear her views all the time. Learning that sometimes your input is superfluous is a key skill.

She can be the one who.changes the subject to something less divisive which would demonstrate good people skills rather than what she shows now.

I have a dd in her 20s who has gender critical views. She understands biological sex and supports single sex spaces etc. She has loads of friends.

I wonder if it is the manner in which your dd is expressing her views that is the problem, rather than the views themselves?

"Repellant"

careful your bias is very much showing

That’s what I tell people when they try to tell me about preferred pronouns and how “trans people are the most vulnerable group ever”. Maybe if trans activists took your rather sensible approach, and stopped demanding others follow their beliefs, the world would be a much happier place.