Concern my child is "trans"

[KiddyMcKiddly]

I have a 17 yo boy. He's got ADHD and likely autism (though this was only observed by his psychiatrist, not formally diagnosed). Sensitive, creative, brilliant mind. Desperately depressed at times, other times very happy. Finds it difficult to get a grip on his emotions.
He's been hinting that there is a secret he won't tell in case his dad and I reject him.
I have noticed he covers the mirror when he has a shower (he forgot to take the towel down one time and i found it).
He's recently started shaving all his body hair (this is not a "body-builder" type vanity - he's skinny as a rake).
Due to the body image issues, and some recent anxiety problems we've found him a therapist as he needs someone to talk to.
But I feel sure, if the therapy doesn't lead him away from it, that he is going to tell us he wants to be a woman.
I will always love him. He knows that I don't believe in gender theory and over the years we have had a number of heated arguments on the subject (I now regret approaching things in a theoretical way as I realise he may have been arguing from his own feelings).
But I will be heartbroken if he follows this path. I don't see how I can see him as a woman. He will always be a boy to me. How could I start using a different name for him?We chose his name so carefully and it has meaning and purpose.
Is there a way I can approach all of this? It feels like I can't stop him if that's what he determines, but I don't believe he will find happiness that way.

I'm sorry he feels depressed and that you're so distressed. I can only imagine how I'd feel, much the same as you do I think.
There are some people on MN who've gone through this so hopefully they'll see your post.
I hope the therapy helps him feel happier and possibly make him realise he can be happy as himself.

I haven't been through this personally but I would find it incredibly difficult. The closest I've come was when this whole identify as you like bollocks started, my son (10 at the time) came home from school and told me he didn't like his name and wanted to change it. I told him I'm sorry you feel that way but that's your name and it won't be changed. Never mentioned it again and didn't due.

I appreciate your issue is much deeper but I would respond the same way but get him into therapy (although this could be problematic as many therapists are ideolically captured and may affirm him). Honestly though, if he went on to refer to himself as a woman later on, over my dead body would I affirm it. Sensitive and creative do not a woman make. Boys need reminding that just because they don't possess stereotypically masculine traits or look like The Hulk, they are still boys/men.

First. Big hug, it’s very distressing.

I wouldn’t assume he necessarily wants to go, as my son put it, ‘full woman’. Sometimes they are playing with androgyny. We went through this with my son secretly getting hormones from the online ghouls. We pulled him back from that.

He does still play around with his ‘gender identity’ although not at home. I’ll be blunt, with boys of this age it is frequently porn driven and sexual, and there is only so much we want to know/need to know about our children’s sex life. They need to be safe, and understand consent.

Sorry this is a bit hurried as busy but can add more later

Unfortunately, the therapy might not be as helpful as you're hoping because most of them are afraid to do anything but 'affirm' any gender questioning, for fear of being labelled as conversion therapy.

I think there is a group of therapists/ association who do not automatically affirm but I don't know what they're called. Someone else here will probably.

I really feel for you. All you can do is be there and reiterate that you love him.

Firstly, I'm genuinely sorry to hear about your situation, and the difficulties it sounds like your son is experiencing.

If I might respectfully observe, they're probably not helped by your stance on gender if it's led to, as you say, "a number of heated arguments on the subject"; that's not to say either one of you is right or wrong, but the simple fact there have been these conflicts has probably made things worse for him, especially if he is - as you suspect - autistic. My son is autistic and I know from (sometimes bitter) experience that conflict, even if it's justifiable, can have a profoundly negative effect.

As unpleasant and difficult as it might be, I think the worst thing you can do is to argue against him. One thing I've noticed with my son, which from the research I've subsequently done is relatively common in autistic people, is demand avoidance. For us it can be mundane things, such as asking him to carry out a household task, or it can be on a more philosophical point, such as he'll excitedly tell us about some idea he's gotten from the internet. In all cases, opposition to his current thoughts or immediate desires are met with a pathological resistance; where he might formerly have cleaned that room or happily given up believing that conspiracy theory he recently read, questioning it is almost guaranteed to turn it into 'a thing'. There are no winners in that scenario.

My advice? Be gentle, kind, but consistent. Don't betray your own beliefs, certainly, but equally try not to come across as contradicting of his.

I do feel for you the problem will be that if that is the situation, it will still be the situation whether you support him or not.. you not supporting him isn't going to stop him feeling that way IF that is what's going on. It just means you both may have distance between you which would be sad.

I would also be devastated however I would just have to be there for my son no matter what.

Sit him down, tell him calmly you know he wants to discuss something, stay calm, tell him he can tell you anything. By not talking about it, ignoring it, your just delaying it.

Big hugs Kiddy.

My DD went through this. The worst part was that she was clearly seriously mentally ill and all the trans stuff was making it so much worse. At least one element I’m sure was the power and status it gave her, as an autistic child who often struggled socially it was a magic bullet with her peer group. She is out the other side now but it was unbelievably awful.

The therapist may not be helping but at least now (contrast to the glory days of trans) you can challenge them without bringing the wrath of social services on your head. Don’t be afraid to take him away from a captured therapist.

What I would say is just work on your relationship with him. If you can persuade him to do something physical (walks, climbing, swimming, days in the countryside) that is great but frankly anything that gets him offline and stops him obsessing. Board games, family film nights - anything. This cult thrives online and on children who are isolated. Try to offer other things for him to do. You don’t have to say a word about trans stuff.

Good luck.

Oh and also to say there’s a fair few TRAs around who watch FWR to jump on and tell us off. They will tell you to affirm him. Please don’t listen. This is your child’s mental and physical health at stake.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say to you apart from I think it is so important that he always knows you will accept him no matter what and that he is safe with you in that sense, even if you don't agree with his decisions. If it was my own child I would seek therapy for him, but (I may be mistaken) I think for therapists it is against the law to not affirm gender identity issues. I don't understand the trans thing. The only way I can make sense of it and I know this might sound stupid but it could be that they were the other gender in a previous life. Poor boy. Wishing you all well mental health and luck in navigating this xxx

I did go through a phase a few years ago when I was really skinny and liked wearing men's clothing (like sports clothes and tracksuits with a beanie) I had my hair really short like a boy's. I was often mistaken for a man and called "mate" and I kind of liked it. It was weird. I was really physically fit and sort of strong and muscular, and I liked embodying this sort of strong masculine energy. I don't think it was a trans thing, more androgynous. I don't know if that helps

Get in touch with Bayswater. There are lots of parents in similar situations and they will also have advice in relation to therapists who won’t just affirm.

There is no point pretending you are not GC, but you can reassure your son that you are able to discuss his situation without them being front and centre. Your priority will be the health and wellbeing of your child. As he hasn’t definitely said this is about gender, you can focus on his issues surrounding his body image without too much focus on gender. Keep talking.

There is also a Facebook group for parents of adult children with ADHD. I’ve found it generally very helpful, not purely about gender. My son is also AuADHD

Could it not be an eating disorder OP? You mention that he is very skinny.

Affirmation isn't a neutral act, so try not to do that. Genspect and Beyond Trans (for parent support) are very helpful as well as Bayswater Support.

The other gender in a previous life?!! FFS, can we try to maintain some level of sanity? OP might like to look at "Thoughtful Therapists" on Youtube.

It must just be so hard though feeling so unnatural and your own parents not being able to accept who you feel you really are. I don't know what the answer is and I don't know how I would cope if it were my child. Such a hard situation to navigate

Oof @KiddyMcKiddly, hugs. This is hard, and you are worried and frightened because you have already been through a lot and you care so so much.

My son is a few years older than yours and things have gone the way you are frightened of. He has ADHD and autism, but not the other anxiety issues, and is at uni now. On reflection, the first sign was intense shaving just as you describe. So I understand why you are worried. I won't say any more about my situation as it's not what you need right now. But here's a list of things that might be worth considering - some we did that I think did help, some that I wish we had done.

1. Get off mobile phones and the internet. Not just your son, everyone in the house. Openly acknowledge that phones are addictive, they're designed to be addictive. Try screentime limits for everyone.

1. Gaming computers are for public areas of the house only. Dig out a Wii if you can - those simple games are great and scratch that itch, hooray for Mario kart. Ideally all computers should be in public areas of the house.

1. Get outside. Get a dog, get a bike, get into geocaching or wild swimming - whatever works for you in your area. Keep it local, keep it fun.

1. Look for ways to build up your son. Openly say that you think he's marvellous. Actively look for ways to celebrate him and, when you think you can get away with it, his manliness. Get him to open the jars, hold up the shelf - whatever it is, big or small, celebrate him and who he is.

[Accidentally break and take down that mirror in the bathroom if you think that will help]

1. Take some internet-free or -light holidays with shedloads of physical challenge. Walk the West Highland Way or Hadrian's Wall, do some cycle touring, walk a camino. Push yourselves, find out what your bodies can do.

1. Be very very wary of professionals; teachers, therapists, CAMHS.

1. Pretend to treat all the gender stuff with a light touch. You are terrified, but he doesn't need to know that. Tell yourself that it is a teenage phase, and it will pass. Your job is to be a rock as the storm rages round. If you have never affirmed then it will be his ladder out of it. I try to picture myself in ten years' time - "do you remember when...? Hahaha!". Find a friend who you can cry on.

1. Keep the pressure low. At 17, probably he's starting to worry about uni or whatever. That can keep if need be - the top unis seem to be swimming in this stuff. Probably that's a big reason for his recent anxiety, maybe school have ramped up talking about the future and he's just frightened. Take joy in the mundaneness of life, emphasise that life can be small and beautiful.

1. Take care of yourself and your partner/marriage. You haven't arrived where you are without difficulty already.

10. Don't beat yourself up about the heated arguments. I think it's good that he knows where you stand! Remember, disagreeing with your parents is a completely natural teenage phase. I expect cave teenagers found their cave parents wrong and objectionable. The job of a teenager is to test who they are, to try out different ideas to see how they are different from you - and to press your buttons!

Take care of yourself. Wishing you love and light through this storm.

Keep talking to your son. Show him that he is the most important thing to you.
If he is trans explain that you need time to adjust to this and take one step at a time.
As with everything in families, you can navigate tough times best by supporting each other.

Thank you. It's good to have some solidarity and to hear from others who have experienced this.
He has always liked sparkles and the colour pink etc. We always took the view that he has quirky taste and we don't distinguish between girl and boy things, when it comes to accessories etc. His sister is a very practical sort of girl and prefers to wear plain dark clothes (which you mostly find in the boys section in high street shops) so we've never made anything taboo in terms of what they are allowed to wear. But in the last year he has become so ill at ease with himself, it's clearly more than just the surface things. I wish I understood it, and i wish I knew it would just end one day and he'd be happy in his skin.
As far as I am concerned , he can wear what he likes but it's awful to think he might want to reinvent himself as a completely different person.

Has he actually said he's trans or are you assuming from other behaviours?

Could it just be that he’s gay and doesn’t feel comfortable with coming out yet?

Is it worth doing some research on autism and body image? There is quite a lot of information on-line about body dysmorphia, body dissatisfaction etc and autism. If you can get a better understanding of this it may help navigate any future conversations on whether it’s gender that is the issue or not.

You say ‘if he is trans’, clearly assuming that there is such a thing. But as this case illustrates, most of young people declaring themselves trans are in fact simply very troubled. And are often using the identity as a way of dealing with their problems. (My life is so painful, I must actually be trans.)

As one of the leading LGB Alliance people says, it’s not the popular kids who are coming out as trans, it’s the isolated, awkward, struggling ones.

Many others are simply gay, but that’s not feted these days, and gay kids are encouraged (by their peers, and online) to see themselves as trans instead.

Another cohort among men are simply fetishists, but I don’t imagine that the young person here is in that group yet; I might be wrong.

Among girls the picture is even darker; they are seeking a way to escape womanhood, female-ness, particularly in an age where they will have been exposed to violent online porn from as young as 11.

@KiddyMcKiddly I would encourage you to get in touch with Bayswater Support, as another poster suggested.

I did a mess trying to edit some typos! Hopefully my message will reappear.

Affirmation or condemnation is not the way forward. It’s your child’s choice at the end of the day and they have to work it out. Big parental feelings are only going to complicate it.

Might be a phase. It might not. But all the way through this is your loved child, be there through the journey. Love them for them, otherwise you’ll end up without them.