Concern my child is "trans"

[KiddyMcKiddly]

I have a 17 yo boy. He's got ADHD and likely autism (though this was only observed by his psychiatrist, not formally diagnosed). Sensitive, creative, brilliant mind. Desperately depressed at times, other times very happy. Finds it difficult to get a grip on his emotions.
He's been hinting that there is a secret he won't tell in case his dad and I reject him.
I have noticed he covers the mirror when he has a shower (he forgot to take the towel down one time and i found it).
He's recently started shaving all his body hair (this is not a "body-builder" type vanity - he's skinny as a rake).
Due to the body image issues, and some recent anxiety problems we've found him a therapist as he needs someone to talk to.
But I feel sure, if the therapy doesn't lead him away from it, that he is going to tell us he wants to be a woman.
I will always love him. He knows that I don't believe in gender theory and over the years we have had a number of heated arguments on the subject (I now regret approaching things in a theoretical way as I realise he may have been arguing from his own feelings).
But I will be heartbroken if he follows this path. I don't see how I can see him as a woman. He will always be a boy to me. How could I start using a different name for him?We chose his name so carefully and it has meaning and purpose.
Is there a way I can approach all of this? It feels like I can't stop him if that's what he determines, but I don't believe he will find happiness that way.

He says he is gay, and I know he's had crushes on boys but he's only ever had a couple of girlfriends (as far as I know). I think his peer group use the word "gay" to mean "not heteronormative". I don't think he's really settled in his mind about all of this yet and we have told him that as long as he's happy we don't mind who he falls in love with.

This is wonderful advice. Its a lot harder to get them outside when they are older but, if you can, it is fabulous therapy for this issue. So many young people who are gender non-conforming and/or gay are told the only way to be this is to be trans. That's a dreadful route to push a child down. Good luck Kiddy

It's also not 'against the law' to not affirm and hold sex-realist beliefs!
Edited: didn't realise this was not a current post. How are things going @KiddyMcKiddly ?

Hello. We have had some very frank conversations. He is confused about gender and so muddled in his head. Has completely bought into the idea sex is not binary; gender is innate (but also caused by your experiences of the world). He doesn't want to be a man because he doesn't like the way he feels people treat him "as a man" but he can't articulate what he thinks people are expecting of him (and he is very articulate and verbally adept so if he can't explain it noone can). He thinks if he has a more feminine body people would treat him in a way that he's comfortable with. Again, he can't articulate what this way is.
I wonder if he is afraid to be an adult and sees feminisation as a way of avoiding growing up?

He doesn't want to be a man but doesn't really want to be a woman - more non binary)
However, he has chosen a girls' name (which he thought we would like 💔) but we have told him that we love him as he is and we love the name we gave him and when asked what's wrong with it said he didn't mind if we kept using that name (but I can tell he's disappointed). We tend to use his silly family nickname more now, to avoid the issue.
So at least we all know where we stand.
We have advised him to hold off taking this any further (eg hormones) until he is in his mid-twenties when he might have changed how he feels. He's definitely taking pause for thought at the fact that female hormones would possibly cause lifelong sterility, which he hadn't really understood before. Thank God for massive NHS waiting lists (never thought I'd say that) although there is always the possibility he'll take his student loan and spend it on private hormones and surgery, of course. I've also suggested he might find uni a place where he can be more "himself" without having to change anything about his body - which of course would be the most authentic version of him. He's going to study an arts subject so his cohort will likely be very accepting of all expressions of self.
Just got to be here for him, but it's painful beyond belief to see my once happy boy all turned in on himself and confused.
His therapist seems pretty neutral - giving space to talk and think rather than encouraging any changes.

I'm so glad you've been able to keep the lines of communication open and that he hasn't steamrollered into transitioning. Very positive, too, that he has a neutral therapist. But, you're right, leaving home will expose him to ideas and opportunities that could change things for the worse. And right now, knowing he is still confused and unhappy, must be an ongoing heartache. Have you been on the Transgender Trend website? https://www.transgendertrend.com/autism-gender-identity-autistic-bodies/
They have lots of coverage of autism and gender identity in young people that might ring bells for you. Also, is he on medication for his ADHD? It's turned my son's life around completely after a disastrous first attempt at leaving home for uni. Do stay in touch.

One of the most necessary skills I’ve found in parenting is walking that fine line of establishing trust with your children enough for them to feel comfortable to open up & be receptive to your advice. If you are willing to truly listen to them without being dismissive of their experience they will know you have their best interests at heart & be more likely to hear your advice.

There's a reason patient centred therapy is more successful than the directive kind. The therapist approaches the patient from a position of non judgement & can therefore coax the patient into opening up enough so you can work the problem together where options & consequences are discussed without out fear giving you more of an opportunity to guide him.

You can still reach him but perhaps you will need to reconsider your approach.

That age can be so hard for neurodiverse kids. Heading from the safe known universe of school off to the unknown of uni. Keeping communication open is excellent. One thing that struck me is that he thinks having a more feminine body will make people perceive him more positively. It might be worth gently pointing out that most people are still recognisable as their sex despite treatments and creating this incongruence is likely to actually cause people to be more confused about him or suspicious of him.

@Cattywillow "It might be worth gently pointing out that most people are still recognisable as their sex despite treatments and creating this incongruence is likely to actually cause people to be more confused about him or suspicious of him."
Yes, I have thought this but couldn't think of a way of putting it that wasn't pejorative. Thank you for your suggestion.

He doesn't want to be a man because he doesn't like the way he feels people treat him "as a man" but he can't articulate what he thinks people are expecting of him (and he is very articulate and verbally adept so if he can't explain it noone can). He thinks if he has a more feminine body people would treat him in a way that he's comfortable with. Again, he can't articulate what this way is.

Perhaps he's referring to when his identity is acknowledged as his 'authentic self' that makes him feel seen, respected & validated for who he is that only a more feminine presentation can hint towards.

Tropes like "his authentic self" this really don't help parents navigating the challenge of safeguarding their vulnerable children from a dangerous ideology. Nobody should be trying to blame the OP for not immediately affirming her vulnerable child. It's an approach that transactivists repeatedly take and one that posters on here are wise to.

Parents have to tread a fine line, ensuring that their child knows that they're loved and supported while gently challenging self harming behaviour. The OP is evidently listening to and communicating with her son and it sounds mutual.

Parenting teenagers / young people is so hard, as is growing to be an adult in these challenging times. The OP seems to be managing really well and retaining a positive relationship with her vulnerable child.

Whoaah. Playing devil's advocate for what a person maybe feeling isn't 'blaming'.

Your 'authentic self' is simply the truest version of who you are personality wise, minus external expectations and societal conditioning. Feminism ring any bells?
If you are going to pretend to a child individuality doesn't exist good luck with attempting to advise them on their lives.

He doesn't want to be a man because he doesn't like the way he feels people treat him "as a man" but he can't articulate what he thinks people are expecting of him (and he is very articulate and verbally adept so if he can't explain it noone can). He thinks if he has a more feminine body people would treat him in a way that he's comfortable with

When I was a 16yo boy, I hated how my developing body made other people react. I was very conscious that people were more wary of me and would keep their distance, avoid looking at me, cross the road to avoid me, and so on. At the time I compared it to how they'd react to someone walking around with a gun or a knife in their hand. Except of course I had no way to put the weapon away and make myself non-threatening again, like I had been just a year or two before. I desperately wanted to undo it.

What's going on with your son may of course be entirely different, but just mentioning in case it resonates with him.

Children and young people growing up is the very time when they explore their feelings and work out who they want to become - of course they're individuals. It's baked into the process.

I'm simply pointing out that you suggested the OP may need to "reconsider her approach" and suggested that " when his identity is acknowledged as his 'authentic self' that makes him feel seen, respected & validated..."
Affirming your child as the opposite sex is fraught with difficulties, especially for the vulnerable young, as so many parents on here understand. No parent should feel coerced into standing by silently as their teenager makes decisions that may ultimately harm them. It's the role of parents to have the loving, difficult conversations and the OP has had some great suggestions in how to do that.

Anyway - welcome to Mumsnet Limoncellospritzz.

And apologies OP for any derail - hopefully the advice you've had from others on here has been helpful.

I think this idea of an 'authentic self' is a troublesome concept as used in relation to gender identity.

A true 'authentic self' would not need validating, surgery, or other body modifications. It would not require people to use preferred language. It would not involve deadnames or using single-sex spaces for the opposite sex. It would not need the general public to act as props holding up this 'authentic' identity.

I always remember that post where a trans identified man thought that it was perfectly reasonable to control how others perceived him. He couldn't see that the very concept of controlling someone else's perception of the world and the people in it was 1) impossible and 2) authoritarian.

You may need to explain the SC ruling to him if he goes down the feminization route. He cannot, by law, enter female only spaces etc. He will have to use mens toilets and changing rooms etc. Hopefully that might make him think. Despite what he may read on Reddit etc he will not 'pass' and it will lead to more confusion for him.

I'm simply pointing out that you suggested the OP may need to "reconsider her approach" and suggested that " when his identity is acknowledged as his 'authentic self' that makes him feel seen, respected & validated..."

You seem to be conflating two different comments that refer to two different scenarios.

My first comment about reconsidering her approach to discussions was in reference to listening not directing conversations like therapists do by taking a client centred approach. Therapists aren't there to direct or agree with their clients but to guide them without judgement by exploring their problems & solutions with them which by her later comments seems to be what the OP is doing.

The second comment about respecting 'authentic self'/individuality was about what her son maybe referring to because she wasn't sure what he meant by:

"He thinks if he has a more feminine body people would treat him in a way that he's comfortable with. Again, he can't articulate what this way is."

I am in no way suggesting the OP affirm a trans identity rather what his POV might be in terms of 'comfort' when dealing with people.

Thankyou for the welcome!

That's an important one, yes. Is he willing to keep using male single-sex spaces while looking more feminine? That alone could make him re-think the whole thing.

Validation is a fundamental human need that connects to our deepest emotional & psychological well being. Whether we are talking about self-acceptance (embracing ourselves without conditions) or social acceptance (the feeling of belonging to a group), it drives much of how we interact with the world. In fact suicidality risk factors include social & familial rejection.

Both trans & non trans people use bodily modifications as an expression of their identity by aligning the physical body with internal self-conception. It's a kind of subtly prompting others on how to read or interact with them & a signalling of belonging to specific subcultures or social groups. Names & pronouns operate the same way.

Your post is all about you and how you feel, you don’t respect your child and how they feel, hopefully your child finds people who accept them as they wish to be rather than stuck with parents that think they are right.

Helpful 🙄

It is interesting OP, that he doesn't like the way people treat him 'as a man', but can't explain it. You say he's very articulate, so maybe it's less that he can't and more than he won't.

For all sorts of reasons.

If it's at all analytical he might realise that it's often sexism that makes people treat and women differently and maybe doesn't want to suggest that he supports it?

Also, perhaps he means it's more about his sexuality. Would people treat him as heterosexual by default? And if he was more feminine, it would be obvious to everybody that he wasn't?

The fact that you picked up on a reason that he couldn't explain is significant, in my opinion. There's something that he either isn't sure he should be feeling, or doesn't know how to express it. And at his age, I bet there's a strong possibility that it's all about dating/attracting a mate. Another reason why he might struggle to talk about it to his mum!

Edited to add that choosing a girl's name is a strong, publicised signal that he's not a straight man, too.

It’s nice to see that despite your views you were able to be kind loving and supportive of them OP. As a psychotherapist, I see irreparable damage done to people who haven’t had this reception from their parents. I don’t doubt your distress. But I am glad you made it known your love for him is UNCONDITIONAL. I bet that relieved them so much considering your past arguments.

EDIT apologies I didn't see that the OP is dated months ago. The below is no longer relevant but I will leave it here in case it is useful to any future mum in the sane situation

I think you need to regularly and explicitly tell him "I need you to know that I love you so much there's nothing you could do to make me stop loving you. Even if you did something I fundamentally disagree with it would never stop me loving you. You absolutely have the right to keep things private from me but you don't ever need to hide a secret from me because of thinking I'd stop loving you, I won't."

You do then obviously need to stick to that. If he does decide to reveal and you are right about what it is, you reconfirm that you still love him and confirm that people who disagree with each other can still love each other. You can respect his rights to believe totally different things to you and still love him. And if he wants to change his name you can still call him "darling" or whatever other endearments you always use.

Nothing he does could ever make him a woman but if he feels more comfortable with the clothes/hair/behaviours that society labels as "feminine" then you can still support that.

Gee, it's not abusive at all to suggest a child should reject parents who love them - abusive to both the parents and the child!

No one reading that would be in any doubt that the OP's son is the last person who's interest that poster considers.

Separating children from their protectors is a cornerstone of transactivism.

The polar opposite of parenting.