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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Concern my child is "trans"

27 replies

KiddyMcKiddly · 07/03/2026 15:15

I have a 17 yo boy. He's got ADHD and likely autism (though this was only observed by his psychiatrist, not formally diagnosed). Sensitive, creative, brilliant mind. Desperately depressed at times, other times very happy. Finds it difficult to get a grip on his emotions.
He's been hinting that there is a secret he won't tell in case his dad and I reject him.
I have noticed he covers the mirror when he has a shower (he forgot to take the towel down one time and i found it).
He's recently started shaving all his body hair (this is not a "body-builder" type vanity - he's skinny as a rake).
Due to the body image issues, and some recent anxiety problems we've found him a therapist as he needs someone to talk to.
But I feel sure, if the therapy doesn't lead him away from it, that he is going to tell us he wants to be a woman.
I will always love him. He knows that I don't believe in gender theory and over the years we have had a number of heated arguments on the subject (I now regret approaching things in a theoretical way as I realise he may have been arguing from his own feelings).
But I will be heartbroken if he follows this path. I don't see how I can see him as a woman. He will always be a boy to me. How could I start using a different name for him?We chose his name so carefully and it has meaning and purpose.
Is there a way I can approach all of this? It feels like I can't stop him if that's what he determines, but I don't believe he will find happiness that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
KiddyMcKiddly · 08/03/2026 09:11

stapletonsguitar · 08/03/2026 06:50

Could it just be that he’s gay and doesn’t feel comfortable with coming out yet?

He says he is gay, and I know he's had crushes on boys but he's only ever had a couple of girlfriends (as far as I know). I think his peer group use the word "gay" to mean "not heteronormative". I don't think he's really settled in his mind about all of this yet and we have told him that as long as he's happy we don't mind who he falls in love with.

OP posts:
Igmum · 08/03/2026 09:54

ExtraordinaryMachine1 · 07/03/2026 19:15

Oof @KiddyMcKiddly, hugs. This is hard, and you are worried and frightened because you have already been through a lot and you care so so much.

My son is a few years older than yours and things have gone the way you are frightened of. He has ADHD and autism, but not the other anxiety issues, and is at uni now. On reflection, the first sign was intense shaving just as you describe. So I understand why you are worried. I won't say any more about my situation as it's not what you need right now. But here's a list of things that might be worth considering - some we did that I think did help, some that I wish we had done.

  1. Get off mobile phones and the internet. Not just your son, everyone in the house. Openly acknowledge that phones are addictive, they're designed to be addictive. Try screentime limits for everyone.
  1. Gaming computers are for public areas of the house only. Dig out a Wii if you can - those simple games are great and scratch that itch, hooray for Mario kart. Ideally all computers should be in public areas of the house.
  1. Get outside. Get a dog, get a bike, get into geocaching or wild swimming - whatever works for you in your area. Keep it local, keep it fun.
  1. Look for ways to build up your son. Openly say that you think he's marvellous. Actively look for ways to celebrate him and, when you think you can get away with it, his manliness. Get him to open the jars, hold up the shelf - whatever it is, big or small, celebrate him and who he is.
[Accidentally break and take down that mirror in the bathroom if you think that will help]
  1. Take some internet-free or -light holidays with shedloads of physical challenge. Walk the West Highland Way or Hadrian's Wall, do some cycle touring, walk a camino. Push yourselves, find out what your bodies can do.
  1. Be very very wary of professionals; teachers, therapists, CAMHS.
  1. Pretend to treat all the gender stuff with a light touch. You are terrified, but he doesn't need to know that. Tell yourself that it is a teenage phase, and it will pass. Your job is to be a rock as the storm rages round. If you have never affirmed then it will be his ladder out of it. I try to picture myself in ten years' time - "do you remember when...? Hahaha!". Find a friend who you can cry on.
  1. Keep the pressure low. At 17, probably he's starting to worry about uni or whatever. That can keep if need be - the top unis seem to be swimming in this stuff. Probably that's a big reason for his recent anxiety, maybe school have ramped up talking about the future and he's just frightened. Take joy in the mundaneness of life, emphasise that life can be small and beautiful.
  1. Take care of yourself and your partner/marriage. You haven't arrived where you are without difficulty already.
  1. Don't beat yourself up about the heated arguments. I think it's good that he knows where you stand! Remember, disagreeing with your parents is a completely natural teenage phase. I expect cave teenagers found their cave parents wrong and objectionable. The job of a teenager is to test who they are, to try out different ideas to see how they are different from you - and to press your buttons!

Take care of yourself. Wishing you love and light through this storm.

This is wonderful advice. Its a lot harder to get them outside when they are older but, if you can, it is fabulous therapy for this issue. So many young people who are gender non-conforming and/or gay are told the only way to be this is to be trans. That's a dreadful route to push a child down. Good luck Kiddy

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