How would you deal with T in a friendship group?

[FourSevenTwo]

How would you deal with T people around you? In general and in my situation?

The main question:
A male in a friendship group decided to go full TW, starting hormones and so on, changing name to the women's form and coming out with pronouns.

Unfortunately, our language is heavily gendered*. For example, instead of Hi Alex, you would say Hi Alexi for a man and Hi Alexo for a woman. If you want to say anything in past tense, like Where were you yesterday, you have to use men's or women's form for were.
This means it is not really possible to ignore it in direct interaction.

I'm not willing to pretend through language that I see him as a woman. I don't and won't. But I don't insist on calling him him. There are some not great alternatives (it, plural - with it's own verb forms, switching to English), but they are all very noticeable.

I'd like to find a solution for our coexistence in this friendship group. I'm not asking about a language solution here, more about an approach.

I'm considering

1. reaching him with a message, saying I've heard the news, and I can't affirm, but, I'd like to keep things civil, so is there some alternative we can agree on?

2. ingoring the issue and limiting communication on grammatically neutral constructions (which will be limiting and obvious after a time)

3. some other option?

To answer possible questions.

• I'm GC woman - in the adult human female sense, in the gender identity terminology I'd claim agender. I absolutely understand people are unhappy with gendered roles, I just don't believe that trying to become/pretend to be/claiming to be the other one is the solution. And I'm sure one can't change sex.

• It seems that majority of our shared friends are willing to be kind, some believe it, some just don't care, men with no skin in the game.

• *I'm elsewhere in EU, not a self-ID country. I don't ask about legal aspects, just personal approach. Discussing in my country's forums would be hard, as we are a small population.

• The group is about games, meeting at someone's home, so no issue with single sex spaces, and generally gender doesn't play a role in the group's activities.

• Yes, I'd like to try to keep the group if possible. I see it as a political topic and I don't need to discuss politics all the time.

• Edit to add : I've name changed for this one. Sorry it is long. And yay, I've managed to force the formatting to behave!

I like option 1.

I must admit, I think I'd probably suck it up and use the female form to keep the peace in a friendship setting.

Like if they'd joined a weird religion and wanted to be known as The Most Holy Sunflower or something, you just smile and nod and don't do anything to upset them

I doubt he'll take kindly to having his bubble burst by option 1.

I’d interact with him as little as possible anyway. So I’d probably talk to and about him as little as I could and do the linguistic gymnastics the rest of the time.

I agree, I think I’d just interact as little as possible, over time perhaps the friendship will peter out and your problem will solve itself. Shame.

Unfortunately, it will be very hard to continue with the friendship as it was before. Your capitulation to the new identity and constant affirmation of this is most likely to be expected by the man who identifies as trans. This may be something that is non-negotiable for him.

You might be able to rub along with option 2 if communication is kept to a minimum, but how long this is sustainable for is unknown.

In the end, it will come down to this man's personality and how controlling (or not) he is, plus how 'be kind' (or not) the rest of the group is in reality.

I would refer to him by his chosen name, most of the direct contact would probably be 'you' , if refering to him in the third person, it would either be by his chosen name, or him/his.

Yeah I doubt option 1 would lead to things being kept civil, no matter how reasonably you say that he is likely to be unhappy that you don’t see him how you want him to and label you a bigot etc. Unless you know him and think he’s quite measured on the issue? Some trans women are clear that they are not women and it’s just how they want to present/ live. With someone like that you could discuss as you have outlined. I’m not saying don’t do 1, but it’s risky if your aim is civility - from his side not yours.

Did you not read the OP?

I think my gut feelings about his personality would play a large part in my response if it were me, do you think he's a more laid back sort of person, OP, kind of crazy, do you have a lot in common or a good rapport generally?

She says it would be noticeable to just switch to English though.

I think I'd be inclined to go with 1 (I'm so glad the languages I speak don't have this - even Spanish which has more obvious gender in adjectives you can avoid and use neutral adjectives like feliz instead of contento/a and the other majorly gendered language I speak is French and I'm a bit crap at gender in that so would come over all British and useless if it came to this!).

What do you think would happen to the group if you went with 1 and he has a hissy fit and won't speak to you again? Would the group choose him over you?

I am GC, hate the ideaology and the politics of it all but I'm not going to take that out on individuals, especially those in my own circles.

Who knows what's going on in their heads? Plus there's a degree of self interest - I don't want to blow up my own family relationships and friendship groups over whatever someone is calling themselves this week.

I'll use people's chosen name and pronouns to be polite. What I won't do is engage in any discussion around their gender or transition; I act like it's of no interest to me at all. Nor do I join in any 'girly' conversations with TW.

Presumably you like this person and you're close enough to be friends.

If you don't think a conversation would work, then in the interest of remaining with your friendship group and given this isn't a gendered space then I'd just be polite. Personally, I wouldn't detonate my friendship group over this. Your mileage may vary, however.

I'd ignore it - be as I would to anyone else - civil, polite and focus on the group and purpose.
You might find that he's one of the many self absorbed tedious people that makes it all about him and negatively impacts on the group by imposing endless demands for affirmation and attention. Then the group has a problem. Or he may be completely fine.

I wouldn't chose option 1 - that's inserting your beliefs unnecessarily before you know how he will be. If you value the group for yourself, then see what happens first. We all have to manage and negotiate with people who at times make decisions we many not like or find difficult. Surely, this is just another one of those situations?

If you don't affirm, you'll very probably be thrown out of the group. That's how these things go.
I also thing that even if the man starts off agreeing to a compromise, as time go on he'll probably become more deeply involved with the trans community and will become more extreme and demand your removal from the group.

I’d use the female version of his name as a concession of goodwill, but use all grammar otherwise in the male form. Basically botch the whole thing because it’s such an imposition it should be botched

I'd probs do the same. It's just words. It's not like they've actually changed sex. We have to respect religious beliefs at work even if we don't believe in the omnipotent sky god and people don't bat an eye about that.

I know people always say they're not prepared to use compelled speech but in reality we always do. Nobody at work is going to say "yes, you need to speak with Tracy. She's the fat woman in the corner". We have to pretend it's not the case.

Thanks to everyone! All your posts are helping me to sort out my thoughts about this and identify my priorities.

We two know each other for ages, meeting again and again through being friends with the same people, but not very close friends. Ironically, we've been more in touch in the last two years, had some fun, we found out that we have similar views on many societal topics and I was (and still would be) happy to be supportive to him as a bit gender nonconforming geek with some MH issues.

I'm aware that both 1 and 2 might turn to be "not enough" for him. I can offer civility, but I can't enforce it.
The group doesn't strictly have to choose between us, we can sort of alternate I suppose (the group is never meeting in full numbers, it depends on the right number for each game), but it would losen the ties in general and remove some fun options (killing an already paused game campaign).

If it was in English, I'd treat the chosen name as a nickname and use it consistently instead of pronouns. Unfortunately, here I would have to pretend every time when I use the name, adjective and half of the verb forms in relation to that person. I don't think I could do that. It would feel like me trampling over myself.

I think if you feel like that, you have answered your own question and tactful avoidance is probably the answer. I’m so sorry - it’s rubbish that men put women in these situations. I guess if it helps to put it in perspective, all over the world women are trying to tactfully avoid men for various different reasons - the guy at work who made us feel uncomfortable, the ex who wants to stay ‘just friends’ etc. this is just another reason - albeit one that garners way more sympathy for the controlling man than most of the others.

what @Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice said.

I think you wont keep the friendship if you dont use the female terms and that's just how it is. That's a choice you need to make. Perhaps if you feel you can't use the female terms just distance yourself from this person without making a big deal of it and that will mean you can still hang out with the other people in the group.
But I think its niave to think that you can get through this without really upsetting people if you openly express your gender critical views. Of course there may be some people there who agree with you but its a divisive and very emotionally charged issue so there's just not much likelihood of there being absolutely no drama if you choose to not use feminine terms now.

From my experience nothing other than full compliance will be enough and you may find yourself ejected from the friendship group.

I don't think I would be able to do this. You describe the language as having way more pitfalls than English does, so it's not a matter of just a few words. I'd definitely fall foul of it all.

Honestly,
I wouldnt be interesred in a continued relationship with him so i would meet people from the group 1 on 1 or in small groups (2 people or so) only.

I'd use his preferred name at a stretch but male form because he is a fully grown adult man.