Epic Battle you say?
🎤 EPIC RAP BATTLES OF WESTMINSTER 🎤
David Lammy
VS
Zack Polanski
Round 1 — David Lammy
Yo! It’s Lammy on the mic from Tottenham to the Chamber,
Foreign Secretary flow with the diplomatic hammer.
You talk revolution, mate, but it’s mostly Instagram,
I’m negotiating nations while you’re tweeting “Smash the Man.”
You’re Green Party radical, hashtag activist dream,
I’m actually running policy, not running a meme.
You’re doing TikTok socialism with a megaphone shout,
I’m doing statecraft while you’re figuring pronouns out.
You want a citizens’ assembly and a climate-justice spree,
But try running a country, not a student society.
You say the system’s broken — that’s a popular refrain,
But governing is harder than a protest in the rain.
Round 2 — Zack Polanski
Hold up, Dave, you’re acting like the system’s your throne,
But Labour’s been reheating Thatcher’s leftovers at home.
You say “pragmatic politics,” I say “neoliberal drift,”
Your manifesto’s basically a centrist gift.
You’re jetting round the globe with a diplomatic grin,
While rivers turn to sewage and the landlords always win.
You call me radical? Mate, I’ll wear that as a badge,
While you’re triangulating like a Treasury-trained cadge.
You say I’m on TikTok — yeah, I’m talking to the youth,
While your party’s terrified of saying simple truth.
If climate change’s coming like the science clearly shows,
Why’s your “green transition” slower than the House of Lords?
Round 3 — Lammy
You’re shouting revolution from the sidelines of the pitch,
But politics is compromise — that’s how you make the switch.
You want utopia tomorrow, nationalise the sky,
But someone’s got to pay for it — you ever wonder why?
Your manifesto maths is like a fantasy campaign,
You’re promising the sunshine without mentioning the rain.
I’m building global alliances, you’re building viral clips,
You’re leading Twitter spaces, I’m leading diplomatic trips.
Round 4 — Polanski
Compromise is fine, Dave — surrender’s something else,
You’re managing decline while congratulating yourselves.
The planet’s overheating, inequality’s obscene,
And you’re telling everyone to keep the optics clean.
You say “realism” — I hear “don’t rock the boat,”
While the billionaires are laughing on a yacht they barely float.
You’re proud of being sensible, the steady guiding hand…
But sometimes what you need is someone willing to change the plan.
🎤 Narrator Voice
Two visions collide in Westminster’s arena:
One says steady government, the other burn the old schema.
The crowd’s left wondering — who’s actually right?
The pragmatist in power… or the activist in the fight?