She/hers everyhere on event programme i'm attending, what do I do?

[Cerialkiller]

I casually agreed to meet a relative at a local education conference later today, she is one of the speakers. she booked me in, all good. Just gone through the programme and everyone has pronouns and suddenly im gripped with uncertainty about going.

I can't make a scene as its her event but everyone will have name badges including me and it didn't even occur to me that this would come up. I work from home freelance in a pretty male dominated industry so thought I had avoided all this shit!

Any ideas how I can carefully avoid she/her pronouns without making it a big deal? Not just the badge but if it comes up in conversation. I'm really afraid I'll say something sensible out loud, acidentally that's against dogma and out myself. Whats worse it that my relative is a big TRA supported, manages to shoehorn it into most conversations. I think she suspects im at the very least not as into it as she is but this is really not the time or place to get into it.

My current plan is to go late, meet her for lunch, stay for her talk and then make an excuse to run off. If things run late then I'll have to make a dash to pick up the kids anyway. Otherwise do a lot of nodding and smiling. The name badge will deal with when I get there.

I'm now wishing I hadn't spent the last couple of days catching up on all the videos from the genspec conference as its just entrenching my principles. I don't think I can put she/her on the badge, I just can't.

I hope i'm making a bigger deal about this then it is, my stomach just dropped when I saw it. I have zero practice with this, i'm also super awkward and struggle to lie off the cuff.

Any ideas how I can carefully avoid she/her pronouns without making it a big deal?

If you mean the badge, presumably they write your pronouns on it when you're there (otherwise they would be assuming your sex from your name) so simply say you'd be more comfortable not having pronouns on it.

I'm really afraid I'll say something sensible out loud, acidentally that's against dogma and out myself.

"Out" yourself as what? A believer in reality? Just go, listen, form your own opinions and then go home. You are overthinking it a bit.

I highly doubt it will come up in conversation to be honest. Most of the conversation will be small talk and about the speakers topics, like all conferences.

I think you're worrying unnecessarily. If it does come up in conversation just say you'd rather not get into it.

If it's pre-printed on your name badge I would just live with it for the day. If anyone asks, I always say "You. When you're talking to me I prefer you to refer to me as you". If they ask what to use when they're talking about me I say I have no preference. Why these people need to control how people refer to them when they're not there is a question still awaiting an answer.

Love this. Very wise.

OP - I also laughed out loud at "I'm really afraid I'll say something sensible out loud" - very good.

I would think about having a handful of standard phrases that you could use if trans/sex based rights issues come up and you don’t want to get drawn it. Stuff like
“it is certainly a challenging area”

if it gets trickier then just say “good to speak, you’ll have to excuse me” and head to the toilets.

Honestly? Nobody will say anything. If on the offchance they do, just lean in and tell them that it is not considered inclusive where you work to declare pronouns and refuse to elaborate.

Thanks, you're all probabaly right i'm over reacting. I have foot in mouth syndrome at the best of times is the thing. Perhaps the best advice is just to keep my mouth shut!

Like this alot.

I think youre imagining problems where Theyre unlikely to exist.

The age old line used with children applies to adults too. If you don’t have anything constructive to say, you dont need to say anything. It’s an excellent way to avoid developing an antagonising discussion.

Oh god. PP mentioned toilets.... thats a whole other thing.

I empathise though. I went to a trans-adjacent event at a university. I decided to go "stealth" 😄I didn't give away my opinions at all. I wanted to hear some robust arguments from the "other side" (I'm always on the hunt for solid arguments, haven't found any yet). I wanted people to speak freely with me, which they wouldn't have done if they'd known I'm not a believer in TRA ideology.

To avoid things like the name badge pronouns, I find it helpful to couch your objection in the gentle language of the event, so "I don't feel comfortable with it" rather than "no bloody way!" 😃

You don't make it at all clear whether you have any professional links to the content of the conference, or are you going there purely to support the relative?

I can't make a scene as its her event but everyone will have name badges including me and it didn't even occur to me that this would come up.

On that basis I would cancel / feign illness.

I could not attend something like this without saying at reception (for example) "I am sorry, I cannot wear that name badge which is announcing a third party pronoun demand that I am making to everyone I meet... partly because it is stupid and authoritarian, and partly because I am afraid people might see me and I might lose massive amounts of credibility as a result". But I say that as someone who - to a very large extent - would rather lose my career than go along with this nonsense, and can probablly just about get away with it financially if the worst happened.

Whats worse it that my relative is a big TRA supported, manages to shoehorn it into most conversations.

You don't say what relation this relative is to you. But again, a bit like my career, however much I love my family and don't want to ruin relationships, I could not spend time with a TRA without telling them EXACTLY how stupid and evil I believe their insane beliefs are. Obviously there is a risk of a fall out, but the alternative is to never see them again so I am not forced to tell them what I think of their bigoted, childhood destroying beliefs.

Gender ideology is 100% destructive. Surely by definition anything said in contradiction to it is constructive?

It won't come up in conversation.

Presumably as a pp said they won't have the badges pre-printed with pronouns as how would they possibly know what they are? I'd politely decline to have mine added. Or I like to think I would - in the moment I might just run away instead.
You can always use the "displayed pronouns could be outing people" argument if you are not bold enough to go with "this is nonsense".

Just gone through the programme and everyone has pronouns

Remember that they will have been told to have pronouns. Not everyone will agree with that, but they've gone along with it because work etc.

The organisers think it looks progressive in the programme. They don't realise that having forced pronouns is rapidly losing popularity.

Personally I’d just lose the name badge - easily done.

She's my sister. I think as the whole idology wanes she will shift too, shes that type. I don't want to risk the realtionship. I do want to challenge her on this and have been nibbling away at the sides but as we generally only see each other a couple of times a year at big family events there isn't really an opportunity to get into the weeds with it without effecting the event.

I'm only going to see her as she lives several hours away usually and I don't see her often. No i'm not directly involved with the event but there maybe some work coming from a couple of the organisations in the future so i'm partially going to show my face to rmeind them I exist! Another reason to nod along to the whole thing.

Yes good idea 'oh I left it on my coat'

It's pouring here today it could get unfortunatly wet too.

It's education, still very captured from what I can tell, especially in left leaning areas like here. I see a lot of legals fights in the future.

What a load of waffle over nothing. Just don’t bloody go if you’re so against pronouns.

Your perspective and approach is more controlled, measured and arguably mature than mine!

I've already said I would go. She's paid for my entry. I'm going. But thanks for giving my head a wobble I know i'm being silly, I don't spend enough time around people anymore, im lacking practice at the best of times.

And someone will watch which toilet you use! They have many ways of discovering your secret gender identity. 🙂

I'm not as brave as you. Even if I know I'm right, for good reasons, doesn't mean that I can artculate it well in the moment without me ranting like a loony. That wouldnt be good for the cause. I envy those who can argue calmly about this.

I accept work from them and quietly use it to pay towards court cases instead...