Gay men and surrogacy - the new “be kind”?

[Tootingbec]

Just seen a LinkedIn post from a gay man who is writing a book about the surrogacy “journey” he and his husband went through. Cue gushing comments about how amazing this is…..

It has really upset me. The sheer fucking privilege of gay men to buy babies and then be lauded and praised for it like they were super heroes. And untouchable to criticism due to blinkered “be kind” beliefs about the poor gay men who just want a family like heterosexual men.

Where do people think these babies come from? Do you think people delude themselves that all these gay men just have kind, altruistic female friends who happily have a baby for them? As opposed to exploiting vulnerable and desperate women in India, Mexico and the like.

I feel so angry - women are just fucked over and abused time and time again by men and it is all dressed up as progressive when it is the exact opposite.

When I was a younger women I loved having gay men in my social circle. They seemed like “nicer” more lovely men than most straight men. Now I realise that underneath it all they just the same sexist, privileged tossers as many straight men are. They want a baby? No problem - buy one! They want to invade women’s spaces? No problem - just reinvent yourself as “the most vulnerable in society”!

It’s like the scales have fallen from my eyes.

I agree. Surrogacy is either a problem or it’s not. Painting gay men as more evil than heterosexual couples is just plain homophobia.

So why are they any more evil than the man in a heterosexual couple using surrogacy.

it is completely homophobic.

They’re not and no one has said they are. HTH.

They aren’t. And nobody (I hope) is saying that people who want to use surrogacy are evil. But surrogacy itself is wrong, bad for the baby and often bad for the surrogate woman. If there are evil people in the picture it is the enablers who make money out of people longing for a baby and women desperate for money who choose this way to make some. Consider-why is it never middle class white women who act as surrogates.

Babies are not commodities like kettles. There are many children already here desperate for a loving and supportive home. Gay couples can adopt - which many gay men do. Surrogacy is treating women and children as commodities, as conveniences for what men want rather than as people in their own right. Outlaw it.

Same as infertile heterosexual couples then?

I don’t agree with surrogacy but i don’t understand your diatribe against gay men

Perhaps because, as the OP has repeatedly said in this thread, gay men are used to make surrogacy look sympathetic. To make it look brave, and like an 'inclusive' and good thing to do. I doubt hetero couples or single people would make it appear so attractive.

This completely. There are a lot of people that don’t want people pointing this out though…..

Surrogacy never looks sympathetic to me - so perhaps I am wrong. I just don’t think ‘blaming’ gay men is the answer

Haven't read the full thread, but I remembered this thread from the time of the surrogacy consultation that wanted to remove the rights of surrogates to their children to "streamline" the process. Essentially they wanted a child to be born without parents. Does anyone know what happened to the consultation?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/3651968-The-illegitimacy-of-the-Rumplestiltskin-Surrogacy-consultation

Either way, it completely changed my view from not really considered, to my God it's child trafficking by another name. The horrific situation when the war in Ukraine broke out solidified my view.

Altruistic surrogacy and egg donor arrangements are legal in Greece. It is highly regulated, including court approval where the intended parents and surrogate must citizens or legal residents of Greece.

I am wholly against surrogacy in all forms, but needed to respond because your post implies Greece has become some sort of surrogacy hotspot.

Gay couples are not allowed do surrogacy in Ukraine. Only straight couples.

Apologies. They used to be one of the few European countries offering it but that changed in May of this year. You presumably know about the big scandal in Crete?

When ivf was first introduced and then surrogacy became legal, we were given all sorts of reassurances about how it would be used. Over time the boundaries have shifted considerably and we now have gay and single men buying babies on no more than a whim.

Gay men often recruit two surrogates at once so they can each have a biological child. So these children are not related unless they used the same egg donor, are probably a few weeks or months apart in age, each living in a household with an unrelated male (which is the biggest danger for children).

But anyway, surrogacy was always sold to us as an act of sisterhood for a woman who could not conceive. In this respect her husband is not the issue - surrogacy is a way of one woman helping another. Commercial surrogacy is not allowed in the UK.

Most women who use surrogates do so after exhaustive tests, miscarriages, failed IVF etc. They have gone on a journey. Very few are just contacting an agency from scratch.

Men on the other hand won't have come to it from fertility issues and it's rarely an act of altruism. It's a commercial transaction.

And they are the ones posting about it on social media. Most hetro couples don't because they want to blend in down the line. So you rarely see posts from them.

I am just going to say again that I have highlighted gay men and surrogacy to make a particular point - that is, by it being seen as progressive and inclusive because it is gay men doing it, it is starting to (in my opinion) to make surrogacy seem a legitimate option and “kind” option in a way that women or celebrities doing it always seems to be tinged with the distaste it deserves.

And to make my point I am calling out gay men. But I fundamentally disagree with surrogacy for everyone - male or female, gay or straight.

I can't see a diatribe against gay men in the post you replied to.

There is no right to have children. And a gay couple are not infertile, they are same sex so cannot make a baby between them. I agree entirely that surrogacy is wrong for everyone, gay, straight, male, female.

I do. The Gynecologist in question, was charged with human trafficking and more... It was his clinic and its robust business, in this despicable industry, that brought about a change in the law.

It was a huge scandal and rightly shone a light on how easy fertility clinics like the one in question, offered a legal pathway to something that should be illegal.

I can say that the country was shaken by the large-scale operation, which the media rightly called, baby trafficking.

It still remains legal within this new strict framework though. I remain hopeful that it becomes entirely illegal in the near future.

Interestingly, one of the many crimes the Duchess of Sussex allegedly committed was to have her children by surrogate. Unforgivable, apparently. Tom Daly? Hero Father of the Soviet Union. As usual, things are different for men.

You are blurring two different things. Women get "fucked over" regularly.
But your point has little to do with men having families
A gay couple I know have done just this. Another female we know doesn't want to have children so they came to an arrangement. She wasn't paid , but did have expenses , she went privately for every medical appointment, and they bought her lunches out. Hardly "buying" a baby
It suits all of them. The child is now 8 all parties seem happy and the child is in a lovely happy home

That anecdote is hardly representative of the industry. And what is the legal status of the child, whose mother gave him away for a few free lunches?

The consultation was parked as the government said they weren't looking to change the law on surrogacy at that time.

However, the surrogacy lobby are having another crack at it now, posters can give their views here :

https://surrogacyconcern.uk/take-action-email-the-parliamentary-office-for-science-and-technology-post-and-contribute-to-their-consultation-on-surrogacy-reform-by-5th-october-2025/

No one said anyone was evil. And it's not that gay men buying babies is worse than straight people buying babies, they're equally wrong.

The point is that gay men are being used as the thin edge of the wedge to try to make it harder for anyone to object to surrogacy in case they're accused of homophobia. Gay men are being used as the acceptable face of surrogacy. That's the subject of the thread, and posters jumping in accusing the OP of homophobia are proving her point.

Adopt.

Gay couples can foster or adopt. So can heterosexual couples who cannot have children. Having a child is not a right. Some people can-some people can’t-regardless of sex or sexuality.