My therapist seems politically opposed to my feminist views

[idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams]

I didn't know where else to post this and could do with a sense check/ideas as to how to deal with this.

I've been seeing a therapist for about a year for a range of issues, including substance misuse and recovering from abuse during my childhood and teens (sexual, violence). We've spoken about some really difficult and personal things that I have never discussed before and I have felt that the therapy has been useful. I thought I trusted him and trust is not an easy thing for me.

I'm a GC feminist. I'm also a lawyer and so I tend to have a legal lens on some of the debates around issues of trans rights and the rights of women and girls. I have talked in therapy about how I have found the tone of the debate around trans rights increasingly upsetting and hostile (on one side) and I had been upset over the discussion re the Supreme Court and the Equality Act. I've talked about both this and how hard it can be to feel like there's no space for women to express certain views without being dismissed or labelled.

My error (I totally accept I shouldn't have looked, but he should have locked down his settings) - I looked and saw a pic on SM of him at a protest. I don't want to out myself or him but he was holding a banner basically slagging off the Supreme Court.

And now I feel . . . the trust has gone. Has he been quietly judging me while I shared some frankly painful stuff? Does he respect my perspective? As I don't know if I can work with someone who doesn't. It's not a difference in political views, I feel like my views on these issues are fundamentally part of who I am as a person.

I know I crossed a boundary and shouldn't have looked, but would appreciate any thoughts as to whether I am being overly sensitive and/or whether it's something I should bring up.

Or maybe I am just wrong to care? Thoughts welcome!

I think that's brilliant op and fair play to you because that can be difficult to do. At the end of the day therapy is YOUR session so you should be enabled to lead it and raise any concerns. I think it's fair for them to ask for more context (also so they can consider things as well) but it's equally fair for you have asked to park it until next week but mark that you want to do that.

I wouldn't be able to trust him again. I don't trust anyone who fights against real women having rights.

Good update. It’s difficult to raise this and so it’s good that you found a way to start.

Well by that argument, whether a therapist announces themself as queer, or LGBTQ+++, or whatver, is irrelevant. If they are mindlessly accepting "the training".

Well done OP for putting yourself forward.

The updated EHRC guidance will be out soon.

I don't think I could continue with a therapist I felt I had to pussyfoot around things with.

Also v much waiting for the updated EHRC guidance!

And thinking about how I move the discussion forward next session, because that will tell me all I need to know I think.

Great job...keep going! How did it feel / does it feel now?

Obviously not the same context, but I remember what it was like trying to bring up a particular issue in therapy that was personal to therapist.

Or anything. It's extremely hard.

@BeLemonNow thanks. It was pretty nerve wracking, to be honest, but I took that as confirmation that it was something that really, really mattered. I am pleased with myself for raising is because if I were to just walk away I think I'd regret it as something unresolved that we might have worked through, in light of the other good work I think we have done together.

So I guess I felt proud of myself.

No idea how I will delve into it next week. Am even considering reading something out . . .

Update. I had my session this week and brought the various issues up with my therapist (apart from the fact that I'd looked at his totally unprotected online presence). I wrote down what I wanted to say in advance and read it out, which helped hugely with the fact that I was terrified, shaking like a leaf and sweating through my t-shirt.

Got to say what I wanted to say and felt a huge sense of relief and very proud of myself for saying it all.

He responded reasonably well - kind, open, wanted to talk and listen. I'm not sure how much he really, really gets it, but I sensed a willingness to try.

I felt really emotional afterwards, crying and drinking coffee all the way home. 😂

I'm going to see how the next few sessions unfold.

Well done OP. That must have been really hard for you.

But look - you are drawing boundaries, you are standing up for reality. You faced a very difficult situation, and mastered it. Big steps!!!

I'm hugely impressed op. That's really wonderful news. Thank you for the update and for being brave.

@Charabanc thanks. It was terrifying, yes, but also a very helpful process for me as chatting on this thread and then writing it all down really got me to consider why it all mattered so much, especially as a woman who has experienced so much violence and sexual violence at the hands of men.

But also just speaking up for myself on these issues felt empowering.

Thank you for updating. I'm really glad you have been able to speak about this in a way that has felt positive for you. I finished two years of NHS psychotherapy a few months ago, and I was conscious of avoiding the subject for a couple of reasons.
One reason was fear of the fact that my therapist's own views on the subject were unknown to me. I was frightened that she would misperceive me as bigoted.
That would have been awful. Partly because of my need to be liked and approved of. But also because it might have amounted to a revelation that she was captured on the subject and therefore lacking in insight, empathy, independent thought etc. That would have made me lose respect for her, and my goodness I needed to perceive her as having all of the skills we expect of a good therapist, including insight, empathy, independent thought.

Another reason for avoiding the subject was fear that it might have involved me in undermining the therapy by allowing myself to be distracted onto 'political and social issues' as a way of avoiding the deeply personal work of therapy.

But actually, I think it would have been a proper subject for me to approach. Because it just IS deeply personal, deeply destabilising to be confronted with the fact that men are so bizarrely, so intrusively, turning the tables on us in this way, claiming that they are the ones who are unsafe and victimised if we name the identity in virtue of which we, as women, are victimised

To have reason, evidence, your own intensely personal self-experience so brutally disallowed is a significant psychological harm. It is an appropriate subject for therapy. And so is the fear of being accused of bigotry for insisting on reality. As an awful example of people pleasing, this fear goes to the core of what a lot of women (and some men) need to focus on in therapy.

@NebulouslyContemporaneous yes, agreed on all counts.

In some respects, it's the awful lack of critical thinking in someone you thought you had grown to trust and respect that's the hardest bit because it shakes the foundation of the alliance.

I suppose I will find out over the coming weeks how that plays out, but now I have raised it I want to talk about it more with him, not as as abstract social/cultural issue but what it has meant to me as a survivor of abuse and rape and the implications for how I formulate concepts of safety and vulnerability.

I'll post a few more updates as it unfolds.

Well done! And yes, this goes to the core of the dismissal of women as a sex class under patriarchy. Which drives us into therapy in the first place. Good to see you recognising your right to challenge. ❤️

I think you did yourself a disservice not mentioning why you wanted to have this discussion. i.e. that you looked at his social media. You have already mentioned your political views to him, you knew he would talk openly and kindly with you from experience already (it would be absolutely unprofessional for him to get into some sort of debate or share his opinions with you) yet you were shaking and sweating, crying and emotional afterwards shows this is more a case of transference or something going on where you are projecting massively onto your therapist which is really the issue here, not whether you hold the same views on the issue.

You'd have spent your money better telling your therapist you had the urge to look them up and that you have some feelings towards what you found and discussing how this has made you feel i.e. you've ruminated over it enough to start a MN thread, you've been overthinking how to discuss it with him, you were shaking and emotional about it.

For everyone saying it's perfectly fine to look up a therapist - technically yes it's not against the rules or anything but in my experience the fact you wanted to is something you should be exploring the WHY of rather than getting bogged down on what you found. Do you think of your therapist between sessions and were curious? Were you looking for some sort of closeness outside of sessions ? Or were you looking specifically hoping to gather info on his opinions or positions on things? Therapy should really be turning your focus more towards yourself, your time between sessions should be reflective on YOU not your mind slipping to who your therapist is and looking up what information you can find on them and then ruminating on what this says about them when this is all separate from the therapeutic work you're meant to be doing. I'm not saying you're wrong to have looked him up, this blurring of lines with your therapist is normal but you should be talking to them about it so you can discuss why it's happening as that's going to serve your goals with therapy better than having a political discussion with your therapist. I agree with PP that it sounds like you're maybe subconsciously retreating into intellectual discussion about the world to escape the internal work you're doing.

yo crossed a massive boundary regards social media this is not therapists fault and therapist has done nothing wrong you are entitled to your beliefs and he is equally entitled to his beliefs this should not alter a professional therapist/client relationship but you have altered that by your own actions and crossing that boundary you need to come clean and find a new therapist and maybe stay off sm it not the be all and end all of life

what is gc feminism anyways lol

@Coffeetime25 his social media is totally public - the whole world can see it. I didn't snoop or invade his privacy in any way. And no, there are some views that I absolutely would not be able to work with.

so you would not mind if therapist went out of their way to look for your sm pages then as it not a big deal

@Coffeetime25 I wouldn't mind in the slightest because I have set them up with the appropriate privacy settings. Anyone can look me up, I don't care, no one can see any photos or posts unless I approve their request first. If you care about what other people can see of your social media, learn how to use the very simple privacy settings, or accept the public can see.

But have you identified in yourself WHY you felt the need to search him? Presumably you'd already seen his professional online presence so this would have been specifically searching for his personal one. Before you found what you found, what were you looking for? Were you thinking of them between sessions? What made you look?

I completely disagree.

In 2025, if you think there is a boundary around a public social media account, you really need to go on an on-line safety course.

You should only share things that you are completely happy for the entire world to see.

He is entitled to his own beliefs, and if he makes them public, he is intentionally sharing them, just as if he were on a public demonstration - which apparently he was.

@Unrulyscrumptious this is an interesting perspective and worth me thinking about. I do think about him occasionally between sessions, but probably no more than I do various other people in my life who aren't close friends. I tend to think about him when I am reflecting back on what came up in a session, where the therapy is going etc, which I think is perfectly "normal".

As for why I looked him up, I have to confess to googling various people when procrastinating at work or down an online rabbit hole sometimes - sometimes exes, sometimes former colleagues who I either really liked or loathed.

But also I think maybe it was the direction the therapy was going in (experiences of abuse etc) made me feel a sense of increased anxiety and vigilance and the need to do "due diligence" that I hadn't done so extensively when I started as I never thought I would go "there", though of course I checked he was registered and qualified.

I started a Mumsnet thread because no one IRL knows about my previous experiences and few people know I am in therapy.

These issues just touch really, really deep and I was saying things out loud to someone for the first time. I suddenly felt really fucking wobbly about that!

This is exactly why you should discuss this truthfully at your next session -especially if you're experiencing any doubt about disclosing things to him. It's normal basically but not helpful, your therapist isn't someone in your life the way any of the other people are - they're a professional purely there to help you and I think trying to flesh them out into who they are outside of your sessions is just distracting from the work and breaking the boundary of the space that is supposed to be focused on you. Ideally, reflecting back on what came up in a previous session should be reflecting on how therapy is going, what's going on with you, what you may want to discuss next session etc rather than leading you to think of him as a person. Your therapist is there to help you examine yourself and your thoughts and the reflection between sessions should be inwards rather than redirecting to thinking about your therapist as a person. It's a very normal thing that comes up in therapy which is why if you mention it to your therapist they will be able to explain to you why so you can process it and not be distracted by thinking of your therapist with curiosity and stay focused on yourself, properly understanding those boundaries will make the work you're doing more effective. I think especially given the way you've described your anxiety around this situation you're really ruminating on what your therapist may think of you, if they will find you likable, if you guys share a viewpoint and then not feeling you can honestly tell him you looked him up etc is a sign of something you should be examining in therapy.

Out of curiosity, which modality of therapy are you doing?