My therapist seems politically opposed to my feminist views

[idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams]

I didn't know where else to post this and could do with a sense check/ideas as to how to deal with this.

I've been seeing a therapist for about a year for a range of issues, including substance misuse and recovering from abuse during my childhood and teens (sexual, violence). We've spoken about some really difficult and personal things that I have never discussed before and I have felt that the therapy has been useful. I thought I trusted him and trust is not an easy thing for me.

I'm a GC feminist. I'm also a lawyer and so I tend to have a legal lens on some of the debates around issues of trans rights and the rights of women and girls. I have talked in therapy about how I have found the tone of the debate around trans rights increasingly upsetting and hostile (on one side) and I had been upset over the discussion re the Supreme Court and the Equality Act. I've talked about both this and how hard it can be to feel like there's no space for women to express certain views without being dismissed or labelled.

My error (I totally accept I shouldn't have looked, but he should have locked down his settings) - I looked and saw a pic on SM of him at a protest. I don't want to out myself or him but he was holding a banner basically slagging off the Supreme Court.

And now I feel . . . the trust has gone. Has he been quietly judging me while I shared some frankly painful stuff? Does he respect my perspective? As I don't know if I can work with someone who doesn't. It's not a difference in political views, I feel like my views on these issues are fundamentally part of who I am as a person.

I know I crossed a boundary and shouldn't have looked, but would appreciate any thoughts as to whether I am being overly sensitive and/or whether it's something I should bring up.

Or maybe I am just wrong to care? Thoughts welcome!

😂I think he's just incompetent with technology/social media, I don't think he wanted to be caught, but that did amuse me. It's amazing how many people have issues sorting these things out.

@Floisme thank you for this. Definitely no snooping on his phone or anything like that!

It's just an not easy decision for me as I've been seeing him for a year or so, I've made real progress (1 year of no alcohol or smoking) and until I saw this I really felt that I did trust him and had been opening up about things I have never discussed before. I guess I feel invested and attached, for my own sake as opposed to his. It would be painful for me to walk away, but potentially harmful not to.

I'd change therapist

His SM is public, meaning he wants people to see it. You weren’t “snooping” or doing anything underhanded. The idea that you’re supposed to not see something that he himself is hoping the world sees is absurd.

Personally, I’d find another therapist.

I think I'm going to find a way to bring it up. His reaction will tell me what I need to do.

I think you'll find it hard to find a therapist who openly has GC views tbh.

Bring it up with him! Might be useful in the session.

@Radioundermypillow I don't think I want or need a therapist that has GC views, but I do want and need one who respects women's rights and can appreciate some sense of nuance. And is open and curious and willing to learn.

Agree, it would be good and enriching to fold it back into the session if you feel able to. Therapists are often affirming when it comes to gender, as, depending on modality, the client is the expert of their experience not an external person, so most therapists won’t be GC.

Remember it's your therapy, not his. You are not engaged in a symmetric relationship. You owe him nothing, so you can just walk away any time you want. Remember you're the boss!

Ahem, the OP is a lawyer and her actions are untrustworthy. The counsellor hasn't shown any bias

Thank you @MyAmpleSheep
@Denimrules I am confused. Yes I am a lawyer but how are my actions untrustworthy?!

He doesn't need to hide his views. If he didn't then you perhaps are'nt snooping, just jumping to conclusions

Ok, this makes no sense @Denimrules . I didn't snoop because it was public information.

It's a professional relationship, I am his client.

I don't know why you would think I am untrustworthy unless you hate lawyers of course.

They aren't, I didn't then realise you were just reading a public FB account.

Right you are, thanks for the insight @Denimrules 🙄

I've clarified now.

As a lawyer, have you ever needed to be open minded in relation to the views of your clients. I think your therapist will do the same

At the end of the day based on therapists opinions and theoretical approaches some argue that you shouldn't tell your client about your political view etc and should it keep it out of the room. Which many others say is impossible because it matters to the client, which has led to more there having the approach that they are more open about their views and their lives (in an appropriate way on social media and only make content they'd be happy for clients to also see inadvertently). For many this shows their views and opinions on therapeutic modality and theories as well as general content but with the caveat that clients can block them and they do give advice on social media. In fact many not gain clients from this. His seems to be a more private account so a little more 'grey area' but many therapists with public accounts most very private things about their lives and details so it depends on him. Though I will say many therapists who do that address it in paperwork from the start and let clients know beforehand, so the fact he didn't is a little weird.

Your therapist has the right to his views and if it's his approach to not hide them, some therapists are even quite vocal about it whether that be on websites or through signs, art (on a range of issues). However it'd also your right to either be okay or not okay with it, you can discuss it but it's unlikely he'll just rescind his position and if it's a deal breaker for you then can stop sessions and find someone else. If it is a deal breaker, I recommend asking questions on issues like this in the intake sessions, so you know from the start and can make an informed choice that way, more therapists are taking the view that their views matter and whilst it won't be the centre of a session, they understand that views on many issues particularly ones pertaining to rights etc have a major impact on the therapeutic relationship.

Some therapists fundamentally disagree with the approach to be open on views etc and believe it shouldn't interfere in sessions so won't be open on their views. Obviously it's up to them, it's not a clear cut issue (as in something 100% unethical, it more depends on individual therapists approach and as long as done within guidelines, is fine with regulating boards). Those therapists would say they leave it out of the therpay room, where the others would say that therpay is political because yes the mental health of person can be improved but sometimes the issues are the policies that person faces - they then say it's then contradictory to support policies harming your client e.g supporting racist policies or restricting a certain groups access to healthcare.

Absolutely true and it very arguable a lawyer also has to keep quiet on their views in a similar way

@TheLivelyViper yes, he is entitled to his views. I wouldn't expect anyone to denounce their views . However, I think if he can't answer the question of "do you appreciate and respect the rights of women and girls" with a YES, either because his answer is no or because he reserves his right to not answer at all, then I can't carry on with him and will also feel really upset and betrayed to be honest.

My sense is that he doesn't realise his social media acct is totally unprotected and is unaware his clients and the rest of the world can see a whole range of things.

I think you should think about how much you have achieved with this therapist, because it does sound like you have done well and come a long way, and focus on how you have felt in your interactions with him rather than how you feel about what he does in his personal time.

People can be professional and good at their jobs at the same time as having personal views you don’t agree with. It’s obviously different with a therapist/client relationship because it is so personal for the client, but I think his level of integrity is more important than his personal beliefs. You have probably come across some great lawyers who do their job well but who still take cocaine and have sex with prostitutes.

You are wasting your money in therapy anyway, as you are not using it to help you. You are staying in your intellectual mindset and pontificating. The therapist doesn’t care about your opinions on this sort of thing. Spend your money widely, by using the therapy you are paying for by being vulnerable and talking about your real, truthful and issues.

@CopperWhite indeed I have come across such lawyers 🤣🤣

I think the therapeutic relationship between therapist and client is v different to the relationship between lawyer and client due to the emotional vulnerability and power imbalance inherent in the former.

The crux is that regardless of how I have felt in the room to date, I will struggle to talk about sexual abuse and rape with a man who I now suspect doesn't believe it's important to uphold women's rights.

@marmaladeandpeanutbutter thanks - I have been talking about the abuse and violence I suffered as a child and young teenager. In therapy. For a fucking year. Those were and are pretty real. Or do you think not?

My issue is that it's extremely painful to discuss these things without trust

I think he likely does, surely he realises he has public social media. I got tbe impression he was okay with that and okay with his clients seeing anything from it inadvertently. I mean I would just say that you saw the post and how it made you feel because of x. You can ask that question and obviously make a judgement of it but I think you'd have a better conversation by introducing the post and going from there. Just because if you just ask that question, it will seem odd and I'd be surprised if he knew the link to the post. I'm guessing you'd prefer a more in-depth discussion.

I think what @marmaladeandpeanutbutter is saying, (and I think this is why it would be ideal to bring this up with your therapist) is that maybe you are unconsciously looking for a way to end the relationship, by projecting your mistrust and going off on a somewhat intellectual/ defensive tangent when his views are just client centred / person centred. You will have to restart with someone new again and it sounds like you’ve done some good work with him ❤️