My therapist seems politically opposed to my feminist views

[idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams]

I didn't know where else to post this and could do with a sense check/ideas as to how to deal with this.

I've been seeing a therapist for about a year for a range of issues, including substance misuse and recovering from abuse during my childhood and teens (sexual, violence). We've spoken about some really difficult and personal things that I have never discussed before and I have felt that the therapy has been useful. I thought I trusted him and trust is not an easy thing for me.

I'm a GC feminist. I'm also a lawyer and so I tend to have a legal lens on some of the debates around issues of trans rights and the rights of women and girls. I have talked in therapy about how I have found the tone of the debate around trans rights increasingly upsetting and hostile (on one side) and I had been upset over the discussion re the Supreme Court and the Equality Act. I've talked about both this and how hard it can be to feel like there's no space for women to express certain views without being dismissed or labelled.

My error (I totally accept I shouldn't have looked, but he should have locked down his settings) - I looked and saw a pic on SM of him at a protest. I don't want to out myself or him but he was holding a banner basically slagging off the Supreme Court.

And now I feel . . . the trust has gone. Has he been quietly judging me while I shared some frankly painful stuff? Does he respect my perspective? As I don't know if I can work with someone who doesn't. It's not a difference in political views, I feel like my views on these issues are fundamentally part of who I am as a person.

I know I crossed a boundary and shouldn't have looked, but would appreciate any thoughts as to whether I am being overly sensitive and/or whether it's something I should bring up.

Or maybe I am just wrong to care? Thoughts welcome!

yo crossed a massive boundary regards social media this is not therapists fault.

Hard disagree. I do a job that brings me into view of members of the public where my name and job title are in the public domain.

we are taught to work on the assumption that we WILL be the subject of a google search, and consequently I have made damn sure my online presence is locked down to what I want ppl to see — a very brief LinkedIn profile, and if you dig a bit more, a couple of press articles mentioning me in a work context. (Ie, I have something out there, but not too much)

My personal media is in a pseudonym, and has no photos of me so I can’t easily be found by an image search. This is completely normal, and everyone I work with is similar, I cannot imagine not thinking someone will look you up.

and interestingly my therapist was exactly the same, I could find a LinkedIn profile, his phd thesis, and a few press articles about various facets of his work. Nothing else. Tbh, I’d lose respect for someone who didn’t bother to lock their private online presence down in that context.

Speaking as someone who has had a LOT of therapy, and also had therapists as colleagues, I agree with this being general good therapy advice. The more honest you can be with your therapist, the deeper the work.

However.

OP isn't talking a relatively trivial difference of opinion like voting history. She's talking about having discovered that her therapist has actively campaigned for some males to be allowed to override women's consent over who they share their bodies with in vulnerable situations. And OP is a female victim of male sexual violence. Eg males overriding her boundaries and consent.

That's HUGE in my opinion.

OP I also shook my way through exploring this in therapy. It is transference of sorts, in the sense that the therapist could represent the institutions such as the NHS or CPS or Met Police, all of whom have authority and tell us they act in our best interests and yet have treated women with utter disdain. Or they could represent the privileged "be kind" friends you fear may up and leave your life after calling you a bigot and getting you sacked.

But it's also not simply transference because the fear is very, very real. We've seen that being a member of a professional organisation doesn't actually guarantee that a person won't treat you with disdain and call you a bigot. Just look at Sandie Peggie.

Oh and EVERYONE I know in therapy has googled their therapist. And all kids Google their teachers. Therapists and teachers ought to expect this.

I read through your updates OP. I’m so sorry for all you went through as a child and teenager, that was really rough, credit to you for your strength and courage to keep going and make a life for yourself having had to face that evil at such a young age.

Whatever happens with this therapist, you will get there. I see you’re in tender spot right now but it really is a journey/process and it is worth it. You are worth it.

Honestly though I feel uneasy about where you’re at with this man.
You seem to have put so much thought into how to handle this and what to say to him and all the ethics of looking at his social media. You’re posting here for support. You’re left shaken and distressed, fuelling yourself on coffee. Feeling the need to educate him.
Where is he in all this? Trying to move the conversation on? Smiling sweetly but not really getting it? Making his next banner to support the eradication of single sex spaces?

Never mind you trying to work out what to say to him, the crux of the matter is what he can say to you that will allow you continue to open your heart to him. It’s on him. Have you spent time working out what you need to hear from him?
And how will you believe him given what you’ve seen and without telling him what you’ve seen? What is the resolution you envisage?

Again honestly, I don’t see how this can be reconciled. It’s 2025. Unless there’s some extraordinary explanation ( which you are not going to know without asking) he is a trans rights activist. He doesn’t believe in single sex spaces for women and girls. There are contradictions and difficulties here that are not yours to fix. Why are you taking on this job?

With respect and love, what is going on with your feelings for this man? It feels like you have a connection and big emotional investment that may not be in your best interests. Is that what motivated you to have a look at his social media?
No shame meant.

Your process belongs to you of course and you know the situation best. In the end there is no one right or wrong way. Sometimes these difficult situations turn out to be the impetus for just the right learning or changes we need. Though it never feels like it at the time!

Very very best wishes.

@thelongestwayhome
That's a very powerful post.
Almost like there's a role reversal going on in the sense of client looking after the therapist.

Of course, it would be lovely to think that the guy is doing some deep introspection about his bias in between OP's sessions.

Erm no.

But then you know that already.

bee this is a thread started by a survivor of male sexual violence. Take your misogyny away from here

I prefer to let posts stand for education of lurkers but I'm reporting your intrusion

OP I read your update and I am so pleased you spoke up.

I think it is only natural that you still have concerns.

I cannot believe that a male poster imposed on this thread to demonstrate exactly the issue that the OP is concerned about.

Well done for speaking up @idontknowhowtodreamyourdreamsit sounds like it was cathartic. You found your voice and spoke your truth. A great achievement whatever happens with your therapy from now on.

Looks like I missed a scold from our regular buzzy plopper. I don’t know what they said but having seen them on way too many other threads I suggest ignoring them. They haven’t made a worthwhile contribution yet and that’s not likely to change anytime soon.

@Unrulyscrumptious no, it's not about me wanting him to like me or agree with me. It's as about whether I can trust and feel safe with someone who doesn't not necessarily respect the sex based rights of women and girls and potentially has few critical thinking skills.

And maybe someone who considers my rights as a fucking woman who was abused as a child and then groomed and raped as a teen to be disposable or secondary. That is not about whether he likes me or not.

Thank you @OuterSpaceCadet. Gutted to have missed whatever shite this was 🙄

@thelongestwayhome thank you for such a kind and honest post. I need to give it a lot of thought and see how it goes over the next few sessions. But really appreciate your honesty, it's very powerful.

@OuterSpaceCadet thanks for sharing your experience. And yes, it is like a form of transference but also not, because we know what can and does happen all the bloody time.

I hate #bekind and the entire ethos it represents, it's a curtain behind which so much damage is done and bullshit peddled. Urghh. Be accountable. Require others to be accountable. And be critical.

But you did trust and feel safe with him, you've been doing good work with him by the sounds of it. The point of therapy is supposed to be creating that confidence and safety within yourself which is why it's not a good idea to try and construct an idea of who your therapist is / gather information on their views outside of sessions , what matters is what happens IN session where they are there as your therapist, not a friend or acquaintance and whether you feel like you can talk openly and start to process and integrate the trauma you went through. It sounds like in your sessions he has been entirely attentive in listening to what you have to say and hasn't challenged any views, and given their line of work is absolutely a safe and supportive space for you to discuss your trauma and doesn't see you as secondary. If you really feel you need to somehow "agree" on this, and you don't want to be open with your therapist about what you found, you need to just look for a new therapist ASAP as the therapeutic relationship and it's boundaries are shot otherwise, especially if you're describing him in the way of your recent post "lacking critical thinking skills" etc. I still maintain you are getting distracted on other issues rather than the internal work you're meant to be doing. Whether you and your therapist agree on the SC ruling or not really does have nothing to do with the work you're doing, even if you feel its related you're deflecting from the deeper work hence why if this is really on your mind you need to speak honestly with him or just move to someone new.

You are being unduly prescriptive about what the op 'should' be doing. While it's fine to suggest she reflects, telling her she's doing it wrong is really unhelpful. I'd suggest you wind your neck in.

I think your post and wording is unduly rude tbh (wind your neck in is quite aggressive) It may sound prescriptive because it's a fact - to effectively do therapy you need to not be lying to your therapist or you're just cheating yourself out of money. If OP wants to throw money down the drain she's welcome to, and I'm welcome to give my (very experienced) opinion on what would help OP in therapy if she actually wants to do the work and get better.
OP is in therapy to work her her trauma. Primary and secondary trauma are very different and when you're struggling with primary trauma (as OP is) it's not actually helpful to get bogged down in the details and specifics of the secondary trauma (what the SC ruling is bringing up) in the way you would with the specifics of a primary traumatic event that you need to process and integrate. With secondary trauma, it's more helpful if the discussion is about why and how this is triggering, a discussion she can't have when she isn't being honest about how this situation has brought up feelings on unsafety or lack of trust. What you're calling prescriptive is the theory of therapy and I asked OP which modality she is doing to see if there was any more specific relevant advice.

I can't see that you've made made a helpful contribution except to basically post a snarky comment. I'm entitled to give my informed opinion to OP given she has posted a public thread and she is welcome to ignore it as well. You're welcome to make your unhelpful snarky comments but it's sad you feel the need to do so. I would suggest you reflect on why that makes you feel good about yourself in some way but I wouldn't wanna be too prescriptive ☺️

I can't believe you stalked your therapist on SM. That's so intrusive. The trust is gone because you have no boundaries.

Don’t doubt yourself looking him up. It’s a safety thing borne of the vigilance women have. It’s expected you’ll be hyper vigilant because it’s a normal reaction to what you’ve been through. But that’s perfectly acceptable to do in this situation anyway. It’s due diligence.

I think he’s a bit daft if he doesn’t get it that you looked him up, that because surely he’s aware of how vigilant women are. So if he does get it, he doesn’t care about your situation.

Does it matter if he doesn’t care? That’s what you need to ask yourself.

You mention single sex spaces. I have wrestled with a few problems related to my campaign on single sex toilets because to expose why mixed sex toilets are bad I have to expose the reasons why they are bad! Does that matter? Yes because in certain circumstances it theoretically could lead to copycat stuff. So I dance about it a bit but the bigger picture is it needs to be said because it’s already happening.

For my campaign I have found it most difficult when women say they don’t care about safety features in design because privacy is more important to them. I find it is those who have had more privileged and healthy lives that find it difficult to understand or don’t care. There was a female judge I had admired who went down in my expectation.

In general, I can now predict the sex of a person who doesn’t want to use the toilet of their sex from how they write about them. Men want to use the women’s not unisex. Women want to use private unisex but may go back to using the women’s depending how unsafe (and unpleasant) they then feel using them. The individual responses in the ‘group’ are easy to distinguish by sex, ironically when they don’t want to be that sex is so important. I want everyone to be safe so I am paying attention to how in pans out in real life with single sex and mixed sex spaces. For anyone to believe sex doesn’t matter it is a ‘luxury belief’.

It reminds me of an Oscar de la Renta quote to women, ‘Walk like you have three men walking behind you’. He means walking confidently, assertively and sexily?

What Oscar didn’t realise is this (picture) is what women are actually doing subconsciously as they are walking…he didn’t get the starting point of being a woman. Looking at women’s responses it’s a range of speeding up, darting into a shop or getting the car keys out between your fingers.

This picture could be an internet search. Men go straight for what they want. Women look at everything around them and balance whether to go ahead if it’s something that feels risky. It’s normal.

Over the years, various overseas aid agencies have said the main barrier to get girls into education is not having single sex toilets. If you build them, girls will and do attend. Why are single sex spaces so important in developing countries but not here?

Anyway I don’t want to derail your thread but wanted you back you up how normal it is for woman to feel strongly about safety and comfort of themselves and others.

I have seen therapists in their own homes so did gather an idea of who they are from seeing their books, their interior decoration etc. If it is so important not to construct this then why do therapists allow clients into their homes?

@MrsSunshine2b for the nth time, I didn't stalk them. It's not that tricky to understand - their profile is fully public. Think of it like a website. 🙄

@Unrulyscrumptious a therapist isn't a blank slate. Even if they disclosed absolutely nothing about themselves, they still aren't a blank slate as we all pick up on things and make assumptions based on visuals, body language, the contents of the therapy room. My therapist has told me various other things about themselves - nothing "deep" or overly personal, but info nevertheless.

A therapist isn't an empty vessel, they're a human and therapy is relational.

I can't unknow what I know, but it's a case of exploring whether I can and want to continue.

I haven't lied. I also don't think I have wasted my time or money as the last year has brought plenty of positive changes as a result of the process.

People have some strange ideas about stalking and social media. People look people up all the time and yes they sometimes follow them to see what they post - are they stalkers? Open up your SM for everyone to see and expect people to see it! If you don’t want people to see it (or just a select few) make it private.

I trained as a clinical psychologist (a therapist with a few other roles) in the mid 2010s. Anyone who has worked in a therapeutic field since the advent of social media 1000% will be aware that your clients are likely to look you up online. The influence of how much clients know about you (called 'self disclosure') is a hugely significant part of therapeutic practice, especially in some models.

I cannot see he could not be aware that clients will be looking him up (NOT a boundary violation at all- it's in the public domain, something most people would be curious to do for anyone else whose service they are using, and your responsibility isn't to be the one setting boundaries, that's absolutely his job. As a client you wouldn't have been expected to know what 'boundaries' meant pre the social media pop psychology explosion!). I know people will be looking me up, and leave nothing public or under my real name accordingly. This goes beyond just professional boundaries of any other professional group eg teachers- the therapeutic relationship and perceptions of the therapist are absolutely core to practice.

My guess he is either a (potentially older?) therapist with a less than contemporary understanding of social media settings etc or (more likely, I suspect) he absolutely expects clients will look him up, see this and note how "progressive" he is. Generously, he could genuinely think he's supporting a compassionate cause and clients to feel reassured by this. Less generously, it could be a bit like humble bragging about how modern and "right on" he is, except it sure misses the mark when it turns out the cause he's patting himself on the back on is one that will cause (many) others considerable disquiet.

If he is up to scratch as a professional, he should both expect and be open to people discussing any information on him in the public forum because of course we live in a day and age where people Google people (it's only the other way round- therapists googling clients- that is a serious boundary violation due to the power dynamic, lack of consent amongst other things).

I'd truly want my clients to bring anything they'd seen about me that they had questions about to my attention, because I'd then know it might have an impact on others. One of the most helpful things a client told me was that she thought I was more "girly" than her because I always wore dresses- only actually did this at work because I was too short to find good work trousers- I never wear them of work. I became so much more aware of my work wardrobe after this. Therapists (should!) have their own supervision sessions to discuss things they find challenging in cases. If you discussed this with him, he might reflect on this with his supervisor and hopefully become a bit wiser to the drawbacks of such a photo being in public. Or, if he's less reflective than I'd want him to be, he might be a defensive douche about it (I've certainly worked with these types too, I'm afraid).

Unfortunately some training institutes did lose their professional neutrality on commenting on similar issues during recent years. I think it's a by-product of compassionate people thinking it was the kind side to be on (where I started out too, but then look what board I've ended up on)!

It's SOCIAL media. Your therapist is not a social acquaintance and you have no business in their social life. The fact you can't see why looking up a therapist on social media is a breach of boundaries shows you've got bigger issues around respecting others. I would advise telling your therapist so he can recommend a different therapist, pre-warn them about your behaviour, and cut contact with you, as you've overstepped the line and made it toxic.