My therapist seems politically opposed to my feminist views

[idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams]

I didn't know where else to post this and could do with a sense check/ideas as to how to deal with this.

I've been seeing a therapist for about a year for a range of issues, including substance misuse and recovering from abuse during my childhood and teens (sexual, violence). We've spoken about some really difficult and personal things that I have never discussed before and I have felt that the therapy has been useful. I thought I trusted him and trust is not an easy thing for me.

I'm a GC feminist. I'm also a lawyer and so I tend to have a legal lens on some of the debates around issues of trans rights and the rights of women and girls. I have talked in therapy about how I have found the tone of the debate around trans rights increasingly upsetting and hostile (on one side) and I had been upset over the discussion re the Supreme Court and the Equality Act. I've talked about both this and how hard it can be to feel like there's no space for women to express certain views without being dismissed or labelled.

My error (I totally accept I shouldn't have looked, but he should have locked down his settings) - I looked and saw a pic on SM of him at a protest. I don't want to out myself or him but he was holding a banner basically slagging off the Supreme Court.

And now I feel . . . the trust has gone. Has he been quietly judging me while I shared some frankly painful stuff? Does he respect my perspective? As I don't know if I can work with someone who doesn't. It's not a difference in political views, I feel like my views on these issues are fundamentally part of who I am as a person.

I know I crossed a boundary and shouldn't have looked, but would appreciate any thoughts as to whether I am being overly sensitive and/or whether it's something I should bring up.

Or maybe I am just wrong to care? Thoughts welcome!

Why are you putting triggered in quotation marks? OP has trauma - she is triggered. I also already gave my rationale for why the overall Israel/ Gaza issue would not be the focus of a discussion in a session and why the focus should be on the clients deeper feelings. If you don't understand that, I'm not sure why you think you're in a position to critique my advice. I gave my advice, please feel free to post yours if you wish but it doesn't need to be in discussion with me. It's very tedious to respond to people purely because you disagree with their opinion for argument sake, and I'm not looking for an argument. I already said I'm not interested in debating. The post was to gather opinions and advice and I have done so and many posters have reacted to my posts in a way that means they obviously found them helpful. Please find something better to do with your day, one again - I am not interested in debating with you.

Hi there -not at all.

Therapists treat all types of people - of course, we work in the prison system with people who have committed heinous crimes. It simply cannot be a condition of our role to agree with every belief our clients or patients have. It is our role to improve their lives, and that might be to help them stop killing people!

And from where do those blind spots spring?

I would hazard a guess its from failing to see women as human beings, or human beings on a par with himself. A shocking number of men fail to genuinely grasp that women are humans of equal worth to themselves, even if (perhaps especially, tbh) /when they claim to be 'feminists'.

So perhaps not actively misogynist, but that lack of ability to consider women as autonomous beings with their own thoughts, desires, feelings, and rights, equal to those of men, does often end up having a detriment to women.

I didn't say anything at all about agreeing with beliefs.

@Femtherapist yes, understood, and I get the concept of unconditional positive regard*. It doesn't work the other way round though, and it's now about what I think of him.

*Which must be v hard on reality, especially when working with offenders etc! But I don't think he judges me.

Many therapists now do this and it is accepted by the regulators as long as they stick to the rules. They must not share any client info and they have to tell their clients in advance of starting so at intake and they cannot contact or interact with their clients on their. Many of them use it for marketing and to raise awareness etc and yes sometimes share aspects of their personals struggles or lives. This is okay as long as they stick to the rules - in the same when many doctors now have public social media accounts sharing things, videos, what I did during my shift etc. Obviously not every therapist may want to do so and if they don't they don't have to - but it's not a blatant unethical thing as long as the rules are abide by. Obviously you many not want a therapist with a public social media, and that's fine, that's why they have to inform clients at intake - so the client can decide whether it's a deal breaker or not.

@TheLivelyViper lots of therapists do this and do it well - have a look at newhcounselling on insta. Not my therapist, obvs, but I follow him and I think it's a great and totally professional presence.

My therapist's is not like this .... It is clearly not designed for public consumption and doesn't relate to his professional work. There is some stuff on there that I just can't imagine he would want clients or the world at large to see .... He must have not set up his settings correctly.

Yes no I agree with you - I was just talking about the generalisation that it's automatically unprofessional for a therapist to have social media. It can be but it can also be perfectly fine. And it's not just big accounts that do it, I've seen some smaller accounts who have less followers but focus on their local area.

Your therapist's was obviously different but still technically acceptable as he can decide what he's happy to be public or not. It's just that clients should be informed that they shouldn't contact them on it and they shouldn't do therpay for anyone who follows them etc. Many of these accounts show therapist's lives, things they do, hobbies etc and it's up to them to show what they're comfortable with a potential client ever seeing. I've seem therapist's talk about their own lives and mental health experiences - most say that they're clients know they can block them, no questions asked and some do, so they don't see the content and others don't (with the caveat that if you might see something about them, and you should block if you don't want to). It's possible that he may not realise, or he might and be fine with it. I think you should bring up the post directly because otherwise you'll never known, or I guess someone social media? I know you don't want to say you looked but I don't see you getting the answers you want if you don't. Unless you bring up directly single-sex spaces and ask what he thinks of the ruling (but don't mention anything about his social media or the post). Sometimes a direct questions is the best way forward.

Well, yes, it’s one thing to have a professional social media presence, and in fact for many it’s essential marketing. But personal/political content should be kept private, which is what I was (fairly obviously) referring to.

That's interesting. What's your reasoning for thinking that way?

I don't think our codes of conduct or regulatory bodies say we cannot. Indeed, I believe we can even be MPs (I strongly believe that would be a good thing!)

As I said in this message to the OP not necessarily and many people ask their therapists at intake political questions and they answer. It really depends on the modality as to whether therapists think that its important, and that therapy is political which I personally do, as someone interested in the theory but certain therapists do. Not obviously sharing just cause they want to or ranting about it but acknowledging that actually a lot of what clients discuss or experience cause from political policies and decisions and that if you aren't advocating for said changes can you really help them in a more wider context outside of the therapy work. Obviously there's more detailed interpretations and there is obviously debate as some therapists completely disagree and don't do it (which is fine as therpay to a point is very dependant on an individual therapist.

My previous post:
"Your therapist's was obviously different but still technically acceptable as he can decide what he's happy to be public or not. It's just that clients should be informed that they shouldn't contact them on it and they shouldn't do therpay for anyone who follows them etc. Many of these accounts show therapist's lives, things they do, hobbies etc and it's up to them to show what they're comfortable with a potential client ever seeing. I've seem therapist's talk about their own lives and mental health experiences - most say that they're clients know they can block them, no questions asked and some do, so they don't see the content and others don't (with the caveat that if you might see something about them, and you should block if you don't want to)."

Oh yes, which is why in my first post I spoke about relationships. This is something you cab choose to work out, or not, with him. Part of therapy is often that, right? There will be things you with, even dislike about your therapist. They are people, after all. If a client / patient leaves every time something feels unsettling or uncomfortable, that opportunity is lost.

Yes! Therapy is political in many ways. Indeed, many, if not all, of my clients choose me because of my political persuasions. For example, I am quite clear about being dedicated to work that helps to empower women. That's why I became a psychologist, to try to help with the crap society does to women. My profile screams feminist. I also 'look' like I would probably have certain views because of my dress.

I think the most likely thing there are surprised about is that I actually love Viking history, and I have an avid interest in Old English!

You sound like a bloody amazing therapist @Femtherapist ! 💜

And yeah, there are plenty of things about him that I don't necessarily like, but that don't feel seismic like this.

I believe there are many doctors who have treated patients in Gaza doing interviews, talking about their experiences and calling it a genocide. That is incredibly political - it is shaping international policy. We NEED those perspectives.

I am great with some clients, and with others, I wouldn't be, let's put it that way! But thank you ;)

I'm bogged down with children now, but 10-15 years ago I started and ran a feminist organisation. We organised demonstrations in London, and conferences. Hundreds of people attended. We ALWAYS had talks on mental health. My doctoral thesis was on the psychological impacts of FGM, and I was not on the fence!

I wonder now whether I should never have organised those marches and demonstrations and conferences, or written that thesis? There are many women who would be offended by me even calling it FGM, right? They would argue it isn't at all mutilation. The very title was political. It was political when I worked in the NHS and I refused to state my pronoun....

It sounds like I wouldn't agree with the views of the therapist in question, but I would defend his right to political action, even if it risked offending a client who sought out his social media (I note he didn't impose it on his client). I am not convinced the therapist needs to consider what all potential or current clients would think, as long as he is not committing crime or bringing the profession into disrepute. Therapists are people, too.

I’m thinking of all the women and girls hurt by gender madness: sacked, forced from their jobs, suspended from work for not wishing to change in front of a man, enduring men in our rape crisis centres or refuges, being told to reframe our trauma to support men, scared, silenced or assaulted in changing rooms or toilets, raped in prison.

I think often of the young women attending college and having to remove their clothes to be spray tanned by a rapist.

Heartbreakingly I think also of the end of safeguarding for girls if they’re told that people they know to be male are actually female or that a male in a female space must necessarily be ‘one of the good ones’ .

I think of the times in the past when I’ve personally witnessed the intrusion of men into single sex spaces or been pressured into validating someone else’s fantasy. I remember the looks of disgust and frustration on the faces of my teenage sons as they instinctively understand how wrong this is. Decent men require no explanation.

I think of the absolute privilege and responsibility granted to male therapists to hear our stories and witness our grief at the endless cruelty women endure. The self reflection and education that any decent man would undertake before he dared to deem himself fit for the task.

Then I think of your therapist, @idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams , who for all we know listened to a traumatised woman on the very same day he packed his banner to protest against the existence of single sex spaces. Maybe he saw other signs there in the crowd saying things like ‘suck my girl dick’ or ‘kill all t*rfs’ or ‘shit on JK Rowling’s head’ ? Certainly there would have been many many trans identified men of every sort imaginable. And yet this very bright and supposedly compassionate man is apparently demanding that each and every one of those men be welcomed into single sex spaces overriding the wishes and consent of women and girls.

Would I disclose any of my own history of abuse to such a man? Not in a million years.

I am guessing you’ve thought through your own boundaries OP and how you wish to handle this - what you need to hear to reassure yourself that you’re safe and not about to be played like an absolute fiddle. I can’t see it’s remotely possible without just saying ‘I saw your social media, what are your beliefs regarding single sex spaces?’ . You’re more than entitled to do that.

Wishing you much peace and happiness.

Thank you @thelongestwayhome 💜

The day may be approaching where I ask that very question in exactly that context.

I did/do think he's compassionate, though not "very bright"; reasonably bright, or so I thought. I don't think it's possible to buy into the gender bollocks if you're very bright, unless you're also delusional and capable of some very extreme double think.

I keep thinking about it all, about my past (and the present realities for so many women and girls), all the sexual male violence .....

You are right that decent men do not need this stuff explaining to them.