My therapist seems politically opposed to my feminist views

[idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams]

I didn't know where else to post this and could do with a sense check/ideas as to how to deal with this.

I've been seeing a therapist for about a year for a range of issues, including substance misuse and recovering from abuse during my childhood and teens (sexual, violence). We've spoken about some really difficult and personal things that I have never discussed before and I have felt that the therapy has been useful. I thought I trusted him and trust is not an easy thing for me.

I'm a GC feminist. I'm also a lawyer and so I tend to have a legal lens on some of the debates around issues of trans rights and the rights of women and girls. I have talked in therapy about how I have found the tone of the debate around trans rights increasingly upsetting and hostile (on one side) and I had been upset over the discussion re the Supreme Court and the Equality Act. I've talked about both this and how hard it can be to feel like there's no space for women to express certain views without being dismissed or labelled.

My error (I totally accept I shouldn't have looked, but he should have locked down his settings) - I looked and saw a pic on SM of him at a protest. I don't want to out myself or him but he was holding a banner basically slagging off the Supreme Court.

And now I feel . . . the trust has gone. Has he been quietly judging me while I shared some frankly painful stuff? Does he respect my perspective? As I don't know if I can work with someone who doesn't. It's not a difference in political views, I feel like my views on these issues are fundamentally part of who I am as a person.

I know I crossed a boundary and shouldn't have looked, but would appreciate any thoughts as to whether I am being overly sensitive and/or whether it's something I should bring up.

Or maybe I am just wrong to care? Thoughts welcome!

Yes. Do you know of James Esses? He set up Thoughtful Therapists, who are all GC. I'm sure there'll be others too.

I'd be surprised if they were BACP registered.

I know I'll get flamed for even asking the question but all the training I've been on just assumes that we are all trans affirming.

They were all affirming until fairly recently. A couple of the regulatory bodies have changed their position and now promote exploratory therapy (as it should be!).

Thanks that's interesting.

I looked up one of the counsellors from there and you wouldn't know they were GC from their website, and no mention of thoughful therapists. I'd imagine some people would be just as surprised as the OP to see their counsellor on a GC website.

In fact, they specifically say they work with LGBTQ+ youth who are questioning their gender identity. I wonder if people contacting them for this reason know that they already have a fixed viewpoint on this, and not necessarily in the way that the client might expect.

@Radioundermypillow it's not a deal breaker for me that he be gender critical. It's the issues around single sex spaces for women and reactions to the SC decision.

I care massively about women's sports too, but I am not on therapy for my failed career as a footballer (I didn't have one 😂) or for any related reason, so whatever his views are on that are irrelevant to me.

I didn't choose to go into therapy with him because he's a queer counsellor. I was aware of that, but it wasn't relevant. I connected with him as an individual and as time went on I felt able to talk about painful things for the first time.

So, for me personally and bearing in mind my history, I am not bothered by the fact that he's a man, a member of the queer community or broadly supportive of trans rights. It's the SC and same sex spaces for women, and the repercussions of his views on those issues, including whether I can continue to trust him and the space.

Why should OP assume a person who calls themselves "queer" has misogynist bias? I have gay friends who have reclaimed that term and who also support single sex provisions. Lots of people believe themselves to be trans allies whilst supporting 3rd spaces.

If a person has not engaged that much online about this issue they may have no idea what a so called "TERF" opinion that is.

Not everybody agrees with the forceteaming of LGB with T.

I know that, but the majority of therapy training agrees fully with the T part.

I'm sorry, but I think its really surprising that the OP didn't think that this might be an issue when choosing a queer therapist.

Thank you for taking the time to explain.

I really hope you can work it out with him. It might be useful learning (for him).

Thank you @Radioundermypillow , I appreciate it.

@Radioundermypillow
If you are interested, a couple of famous GC psychotherapists are Stella O'Malley and Dr Az Hakeem (he is also a Psychiatrist). They are both gender-nonconforming so have personal insight, and seem like really lovely thoughtful people. Stella's current podcast is called Beyond Gender, and they both have a selection of videos on Youtube. Dr Hakeem ran transgender therapy groups for 20-odd years and has written a couple of book as well.

@rebmacesrevda thanks for sharing this info; really interesting. Will check out both of these from a reading/podcast perspective.

You're welcome :)

There are some really good books out there about trauma, how it is stored in the body, and how it affects your nervous system. I recommend mindfulness/ meditation and yoga alongside therapy, as it helps you to understand and regulate emotions and fight-or-flight responses. The books might be a bit heavy going for you if you're in the midst of therapy, but I recommend Headspace app for guided meditation, no matter what's going on in your life.

I realise none of this helps your original query 😂
But I often find the answer comes from an unexpected source.

Whilst, I don't necessarily subscribe to those views - I can see how they arrived at that views. For example, I encountered many who think a trans-woman is the same as a biological woman. Some would argue not allowing trans-woman is in single sex spaces is a form of trans-phobia as being female is not related to gender, therefore, trans-women should have the same right to single sex spaces. I personally don't agree with this and would not be happy to share toilet or changing room facility with a trans-women due to safety concerns. My colleague attended training at the Tavistock and she was horrified at the shared toilet. I think a happy medium in these type of situations is to provide three different type of toilets; male, female and gender neutral.

For example, I encountered many who think a trans-woman is the same as a biological woman

We aren't talking about somebody who just doesn't know what trans means.

He went on a demonstration holding a sign expressing a specific opinion.

I am not sure I understand that the point you are making.

@Arran2024 thanks for sharing your experiences. I'm appalled at your counsellor's response to your decisions (the judgments and sarcasm). Yes, I agree that the most important part of the process is feeling held and contained. That requires safety and trust.

At this point, due to the things we have discussed and the stage I am at with various life events, I would find it extremely painful to walk away from my therapist, but there are circumstances in which I would have to do so.

I continue to ponder, in between copious coffee and some calming dog walks, how best to bring it up with him.

Thank you @rebmacesrevda. I read the Body Keeps the Score some months back and found it very useful. A big part of the last year has been me taking my head out of the sand and trying to understand trauma, from a starting point of not accepting that I had experienced any. It's a journey! Part of it has also been about getting back into the sport and exercise that I love, after a period of destructive drinking etc. Yoga has been key to that and then find myself surprised by how meaningful I find it.

I don't think I responded to you earlier, sorry. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your thoughts and your personal experience. I am sorry you went through this, but glad you have found some healing.

So much male violence, so much damage. So fucking much.

@Kurkara and then I forgot to tag you too 🥴

Just returning with a quick update. I had my usual weekly session with my therapist.

I introduced it as something I wanted to discuss, just the shape of it really as I didn’t feel brave enough to dive right in “cold”, so I said along the lines of "I’ve been sitting with something that feels difficult to raise but important. It touches on issues of trust and whether, as a survivor of male violence, I feel truly safe in this space and the reality of my experiences as a woman and our rights, including where biological sex matters, are respected. Could we pick this up next session etc"

He didn’t seem shocked or angry, but I do think he jumped straight to “she wants to leave”. He did ask me for more details and he said it didn’t matter if it wasn’t yet a fully-formed “thing” yet, we could still discuss it. I said I would prefer to discuss in detail the next session.

Just bringing it up in the way I did felt like a big step to be honest, but I feel ready to go into it more detail and that I want to do that, for me. It also made me realised that I am invested in the relationship and the thought of losing it like this does scare me.

But at least I've opened the door now!

@idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams I am so proud of you! Well done on raising it and in a way that felt safe and manageable for you today. And thank you for updating too. You’ve been on my mind.

Thank you @imnotaskingforlunchmeat . I'll update again when I've had the more detailed discussion.

This thread has really helped me clarify my thinking and summon my courage. 💜💚

Well done for tackling it!