What's more important...

[wrongthinker]

Telling the truth, or having friends?

A while ago I would have said the truth is more important. But now that I'm losing friends - good friends who I value and care about - because of speaking the truth, I wonder if I was mistaken.

Friendship is so important. Maybe I should learn to go along with things in order to hold on to the friends I still have. Another part of me wonders if they are really such good friends if they are willing to abandon me because of my opinions and beliefs? I don't tend to bring things up in conversation unless I know the other person agrees or we have a history of being able to debate things. But now I'm losing friends because of rumours, mutual friends being offended, and I suspect because some feel it's just a bad idea to be associated with me.

It's very hurtful and I'm really sad, especially about a couple of women who have been very dear to me. I feel like I've made the wrong choice - but I'm not sure if I could have chosen silence and lies. I already feel I hide enough.

What have you chosen, and how's it working out?

I'm autistic, the truth is very important to me.

I do have lots of friends, I suspect many are the same truth seeking flavour of autism.

So difficult. Friends - and family in my case too - are obviously important. But so is personal integrity and not colluding. And not giving in to what feels like mass gaslighting.
I've taken both stances, arguing and shutting up. There's no comfortable place, it's an ongoing dynamic. I try to take a long view - I'll avoid the subject but hope that as opinions shift we can again open up about it.
Meanwhile there's a certain emotional distance but not total estrangement.
Sorry @wrongthinker don't know if that's any help.

I think truth is important. Its who you are essentially but you don't always have to say it. Some deeply held 'truths' are opinions.
With my family and closest friends I can be totally up front and honest about myself, we may disagree about some things but are able to talk about them honesty.
With other friends not so much. Subjects might come up where we disagree but I might be non-committal or change the subject to keep the peace. If directly asked, I won't lie though.

Do you think they are having similar internal battles? I suspect not, if they're shunning you based on rumour. If not, they mean more to you than you do to them.
Put another way, their loyalty to an idea is greater than their loyalty to you.
Doesn't sound like a friendship it's worth abandoning your principles for!

I've made many friends and met women from all over the country fighting this war on women. The truth will out!

Depending on which media people consume, both sides can think they have the truth. Some people think it’s true that vaccines are dodgy, others think it’s true that vaccines are lifesavers. It’s extremely difficult to have any fixed position at the moment about anything as information is often scarce and incomplete. So to the question, I never let media generated information create divisions among me and my friends.

If it were just a case of discussions with friends and family, as I say, it's less of a problem. Some of my friends agree with me. With others, the topics don't come up and I'm happy to talk about other things.

But it's because I'm a writer, and I write about these issues, so even while I'm not raising the subject with friends, they obviously know some of my views. I've been cancelled in small ways, lost work and clients, and there are lots of rumours going around about me. So there are people who hate me who are friends with people I love, for example. And there are good friends who have just stopped communicating with me or who have clearly relegated me to 'mild acquaintaince' even though previously we've been super close. I think I've put some of my friends in a tricky position by being honest about what I think. If I said nothing, or only spoke about it privately, it wouldn't be an issue, I don't think.

It's not 'media generated information'.

It's a question of whether or not to speak the truth or follow along with the lies.

I have many friends whose opinions I don't share, and fostering gentle disagreement keeps my own opinions sharp.

I'm not sure what it is about #the issue# that means people will blow up their friendships, it's baffling.

On the broader subject of happiness, my parents were both religious. One is now an atheist but maintains that the happiest time was when they were part of a church community, and that things are less "fulfilling" now, but the truth is the truth and you'll go mad pretending otherwise.

I don't think you've made a mistake, wrongthinker, you've made a choice to follow what you believe to be truthful, and some of your friends have taken a different path.

That's very sad, and you are obviously suffering deeply from the loss of their closeness. But if you kept pretending to be someone you're not, that closeness would be false - your dear friends would not be close to you, they'd be close to a persona you adopted to stay close to them. That isn't authentic, and sounds very brittle - something would give eventually.

I obviously don't know your exact circumstances but I think you have to follow your truth. You're not alone in believing what you believe, so there's the possibility of new relationships based on shared beliefs.
There may be a continuation of some previous relationships on a more arms-length 'let's not discuss politics' basis.

As Ingenieur says: the truth is the truth and you'll go mad pretending otherwise.

You may have to make difficult decisions and it will be tough, but I think the answer to your question is: telling your truth is more important.

As a fellow writer said:
'I speak the truth not so much as I would, but as much as I dare, and I dare a little more as I grow older.' Montaigne
Dare a little more.

I'm not sure what it is about #the issue# that means people will blow up their friendships, it's baffling.

It just seems to be you're not "allowed" to say certain things. It's not just sex/gender. It's also Israel and Palestine, and certain other topics, too. If you subscribe to the 'woke'/mainstream view you're a good person, and if you have any other views or nuances, you're a fascist.

Maybe it feels more stark because the world of writing/publishing is so woke. I've had way fewer issues with friends outside of that world.

Thank you @MarieDeGournay - that's a really helpful comment and one I will return to for encouragement!

Thank you for coming back to say that, wrongthinker. I'll also pass on your thanks to my old pal Montaigne, he always says something helpful

What's bigotry? Believing men aren't women? That there are two sexes? That rapists don't belong in women's prisons? That children should be allowed to be themselves?

What exactly do you think it is that I believe?

White men are not a minority group.

I wouldn't want to be friends with the anyone who thinks knowing that human beings are incapable of changing sex is a bigot.

I'm very sorry you've had this experience OP. This topic does seem almost uniquely sensitive, and I like many do not speak up as much as I ought, because it would seriously affect some relationships.

I think this goes beyond the personal. It's a sort of Prisoner's Dilemma, if you will. Imagine if we all spoke up simultaneously. It would blow the whole stupid edifice out of the water. But any one individual who speaks up risks serious personal or professional punishment, and to what end? If no-one else speaks up, it was all in vain. If everyone does, then one's own sacrifice wasn't needed. And all stations in-between.

(Also see: illtempered's theory of why the climate change problem will never, ever be solved.)

But then I think that Freedomdogs might be right, in that my friends are being told I'm a bigot. The truth that there are two sexes is presented as a reasonable cover for evil thoughts.

It makes me really sad to think that my friends think that of me, if they do.

I agree with this.

I'm sorry as it can be very painful to realise, but I don't feel someone is a good or genuine friend if they don't or won't respect your views, and be willing to either civilly discuss or agree to disagree and talk about something else for the sake of the friendship. If they're not willing to do this, I feel it says they don't value me or my friendship.

I couldn't cope with pretending to be someone I'm not. For me, that would feel like a fake friendship.

I know we're all different but personally I don't care much if someone doesn't want to be or remain my friend, just because we don't agree on a particular issue. If it means fewer friends or finding new ones, so be it.

It's more difficult though when it's affecting your work. In a situation like yours, where you're losing clients, it's best unfortunately to say as little as possible about any subject that might get you shunned. I'd try to keep myself distanced psychologically from these people. Be pleasant to them, present a fake me (but try to avoid talking about something I disagree with - and just nod and go hmmm yes if outright asked) but in my head I'd view them as business, necessary for livelihood - but not real friends.

The reaction is so extreme that I suspect that people are expending significant cognitive effort on suspending their disbelief in the sex binary, and your words threaten that unstable equilibrium and cause them psychological anguish.

They know you're not a bigot. If you dissed black people or gays, they would argue you out of it. But they won't debate this issue because- on some level - they know they're wrong.

I do speak up, cautiously, with one transwoman friend. Interestingly, I can say things that would earn a verdict of 'hateful' if said by Sharron Davies or Maya Forstater, and TWF just describes my take on things as too naive or literal-minded. Because it's complicated, apparently. So why doesn't TWF give Davies and Forstater the benefit of the doubt and explain where they're going wrong? 🤔

Bigtory is defined as:

One who is strongly partial to one's own group, religion, race, or politics and is intolerant of those who differ.

This is the nature of the TRAs, and the fantasists who believe people can change sex. Not my experience of gender critical people at all.

Trans-believers are the bigots, through and through.

This

Quite!

Friendship is predicated on sharing or aligning in ways which are fundamentally important to us. Over time, our lives, values, points of focus inevitably evolve, change and/or grow. Friendships either survive these changes because that which draw us together retains its importance/centrality to us; or else they pass away.