What's more important...

[wrongthinker]

Telling the truth, or having friends?

A while ago I would have said the truth is more important. But now that I'm losing friends - good friends who I value and care about - because of speaking the truth, I wonder if I was mistaken.

Friendship is so important. Maybe I should learn to go along with things in order to hold on to the friends I still have. Another part of me wonders if they are really such good friends if they are willing to abandon me because of my opinions and beliefs? I don't tend to bring things up in conversation unless I know the other person agrees or we have a history of being able to debate things. But now I'm losing friends because of rumours, mutual friends being offended, and I suspect because some feel it's just a bad idea to be associated with me.

It's very hurtful and I'm really sad, especially about a couple of women who have been very dear to me. I feel like I've made the wrong choice - but I'm not sure if I could have chosen silence and lies. I already feel I hide enough.

What have you chosen, and how's it working out?

What would you say that these friendships have been based upon, until now?

It sounds as if, possibly, you tend to form friendships based on what is considered socially acceptable or desirable in your particular circle, at any gven time? And because of that your social acceptance is predicated entirely on conforming to what is expected of you. In such a situation people will drop each other like hot potatos if they feel their 'friend' has fallen foul of group rules.

So, in effect, not really true or deep friendship - I suggest.

'Friendship' has become such a bastardised concept......often meaning fairly superficial social connections; whereas true friendship is considered one of the deepest and most profound loves.

C.S Lewis in his book 'the four Loves' cites : 'Familial (affection)'; 'Friendship' ( like mindedness) 'Eros' ( romantic), and 'Agape'(spiritual)

If they are friends then you can agree to respect each other and not force others to say something they deeply disagree with. This does not change how you feel. If they are friends they will respect and understand why you say something even if you disagree.

If they are friends ...

...are they friends?

One was a friend I've known for nearly 30 years. We met at uni. Travelled together. I'd say we know each other well. Our friendship was based on our deep conversations and shared humour. Shared inner worlds.

Another friend I've known for maybe 15 years. We met in a writing group, supported each other's writing, again lots of deep conversation and laughter.

Those are the two that are really hurting. There are others who have ditched me or distanced themselves and I don't worry too much about those. It hurts a bit but those two break my heart.

I agree, but sometimes - and this seems to be the OP's situation - you are tootling along nicely with dear friends who share your taste in things and are fun to be with and have supported you through difficult times etc etc.
And then something comes up that hasn't been experienced in your relationship before - an international conflict, a new and vehement grievance - and suddenly you find yourself on opposite sides of an emotional debate, for the first time ever.

Obviously there must have been a basis for that difference of opinion in the past, but it never came up and you liked everything else about each other.

You really really liked that 'bigot', in other words.

This doesn't change my original thought - follow your own path not your friends' - but I can see how hard it is to look at loved friends and realise you are on a very different path to them, and that they blame you for that.
Painful.

I wonder whether being involved in publishing is part of the issue? It appears that there are some spectacularly unpleasant people in senior positions in publishing / writing / the book trade relishing in bullying, demonising and cancelling those who speak freely about legal and scientifically accurate facts and opinions about the two sexes.
I presume because they're writers and have openly published this toxic anti free speech nonsense, they're now unable to quietly back down and simply cling more fiercely to the denouncements and witch burning? And of course are scared of being associated with anyone speaking the truth about all this?

Sympathies OP. It's a complete mess but hopefully, as the damage to young people is repeatedly exposed, people are starting to quietly retreat?
Have faith

It's fear, fear of standing out, fear of being different, fear of being seen as other.
It's the reason I stay mostly quiet at work. I know, have known for many years, that I have a work personsa, and then the real me. When my workplace say it's ok to be yourself at work, that this makes for happy and productive employees, I'm laughing at them inside. What they mean is, be yourself as long as that's something they think it's acceptable. The real me is very much NSFW.
I'm careful with friends, I have a very small circle, and it's taken me quite some time to gently broach the subject with some of them. No rejections so far, but I'm braced for it at some point.
I've long recognised that sometimes you have to let people do them. Maybe they will find their way back to you, sometimes people need to do a little thinking and reflection before they figure out how they feel isn't what they are being told they should think and feel and it takes time to get past the fear. Old friends may not last the course and I grieve each time, but I accept that it's going to happen.
I think you have it harder as a writer as your job means you are putting yourself out there and your persona of far less private than mine. It's going to bring you into conflict and you're not going to be able to choose the time and place.
Ultimately, I like me, I like how I think. If you like you, if you are proud of you, then that would be damaged if you compromise. You do you. I wouldn't want friends who weren't proud of me and who didn't support me, and who can't cope with a difference of opinion or belief and still be a good friend.

If that's what they think then you're best off without them, they sound like they're severely limited in their critical thinking skills and appear very childish to me.

I'm not sure what it is about #the issue# that means people will blow up their friendships, it's baffling.

It makes some sense when you realise that no-one actually believes what they're told to believe. But they're told they're an awful person if they don't believe it.

So it's hard for them to listen to people who say openly they don't believe because it makes them face up to the fact that they don't either.

Thanks for the support, everyone. It does help. I feel I can't really talk to anyone in real life about this because I don't want to draw others into my "drama".

I do think fear plays a huge part, and I have a lot of sympathy for that. I also think there's pressure on people to choose - there are writers who will go through your follows and fb friends and call you out if you're friends with the wrong people.

That's a good point, thank you

there are writers who will go through your follows and fb friends and call you out if you're friends with the wrong people.

These people are fuckwits, the absolute pits.

Ditch shit people. Better to be alone for a bit than have shit friends. It's pretty likely you will meet other people who are brave, honest, sensible, thoughtful, kind and interesting.

My answer, OP, is that I am continuing to tell my truth, because that matters to me. My situation is a little different. I had gone many years being open with family and on the internet, but without it ever impinging on my work colleagues or friends.

Then something changed in a close family member’s life. Initially she banned me from speaking on the topic and now she has told me I’m hateful and has shut me out of her life.

But I have been speaking out for years and being able to do so is incredibly important to me. There have been many attempts to silence me over thee years, including at least one threat to attempt to ruin my career. So painful though it is, I am not going to stop.

I am honestly bewildered that my relative can believe me to be hateful. I have shown nothing but love to her over the years and never once did anything to hurt anyone she loves, but she has convinced herself that I am untrustworthy and cruel.

There is no evidence and I can only think the cognitive dissonance is the real source of her anger, but it’s incredibly sad. The one thing that’s keeping me going is my clear conscience and I have concluded that matters more to me, even than family. I can’t lie for her or to her and she has to take her own pathway.

Just to be clear, I'm not saying my friends have or would do this. But I think (know) those people put pressure on my friends and everyone else.

Have you been able to have a proper conversation with the two individuals you were closest two? It sounds like it’s worth trying to repair these relationships - but agree with others that if they are expecting you to change who you are then they are probably no longer real friends.

Frankly-I keep my mouth shut because otherwise I would lose my children. I would have cut off my parents if they had been racist-and my children feel the same. So I shut up.

No. That's part of what's hard. I've tried to open a conversation with both of them but in both cases they just kind of evaded it. I'm not going to push it - it's their choice and obviously they don't want to discuss it. It makes me sad though because I feel like if it was the other way round I would be open to talking about it, at least hearing their side. But then as a pp said, maybe I valued these friends more than they valued me.

I'm not a racist.

That’s tough. Don’t have any suggestions as I can’t imagine doing what they are doing to a long standing friend.

I could've written this. This is my experience also

I think in both cases they have a lot to lose and I guess they both decided they would rather lose me than the other things at stake. For one friend, I think it's a whole new circle of "queer" friends, and for the other, it's her reputation and status.

A part of me completely gets it, but it doesn't stop it from being hurtful. I don't think any less of them for their choices, even though I would and have made different ones. The fear of losing friends and social standing is really powerful.

Or maybe it's a genuine disagreement or dislike of my views, and they just think I'm a bigot. But it's hard for me to understand how anyone who knows me at all could believe that.

I'm imagining what it would have been like if my sister had gone the opposite way on this to me - and the answer is, I would have done almost anything to retain a relationship with her, she's vital to me.

However, I don't write for a living. And I know that if I had had a gender-questioning child, she would have wanted to support us both.

As an exercise, could you write something about a fictional character who is converted - who is a terf (I have started labelling myself as a terf rather than GC these days) and who comes round to a different view? Or a dialogue between a fictional version of you and a fictional version of your friends? I don't know what that would look like, though I can see some of the starting points? I think for me that would be a painful exercise in itself - just last week I came across the mind map I made when I first encountered this issue at work about a decade ago, and it is full of so much pain. But it would be a way of trying to truly understand where they are, where a lot of people are. Value yourself enough to think that it has also been painful for them to distance themselves.

They have chosen ‘looking good to others’ over your friendship. They are either weak to peer pressure, selfish, or both. I understand you must feel incredibly rejected, especially by people who do know you better but have chosen to shun you anyways, because it benefits them to do so. I’m sure they’re not ‘bad people’, but the current climate is such that trans people are seen as the most downtrodden, most marginalised group, and going against that is social suicide in the majority of situations. And not just social, economic as well. This idea is being taught in inclusiveness trainings at work places across the UK. I’ve seen this firsthand from a major company, they won’t be the only ones doing this.

@wrongthinker " not a racist."

I didn't say you were, did I?