How to react when your child corrects you about someone's pronouns?

[Thirtyfiveandcounting]

My dd is 12 & so far has had a very sheltered life. I am extremely GC & she has never asked about trans or non binary & does not have a phone . Anyways she had a sleepover with a friend in Sun night, she came home & was talking about a particular signed, I said he's a great singer & she said very crossly "they, he's non binary".. I didn't know how to react so I just said "that's me corrected!" to which she replied "yes it is" 😭 She said the girls mother then showed them a video of this singers new music video..
I think I should be blasé & not push my opinion which might push her into rejecting me? I don't want to get this wrong.

I would have probably smiled and let her know that when I am speaking, in my own home, it’s entirely up to me to choose which words come out of my mouth.

As for the dire warnings from some posters about alienating your child- probably depends on your relationship generally. My DD was full-on TWAW at 12/13. We have had a lot of discussion over the years. Always respectful, always taking the time to properly listen to each other. Our respective viewpoints have annoyed/outraged the other at various points.

DD is 18 now. I’m not sure I would describe her as GC exactly but she certainly feels that women’s single sex spaces need to be preserved for females, and feels strongly that puberty blockers/cross sex hormones are completely inappropriate treatments for children and young people. She still has NB and trans friends and she uses their chosen pronouns, but she doesn’t berate me for using the language I choose to use. (When discussing her friends, I will generally use their name to avoid using pronouns at all).

And we still have a loving and close relationship. We didn’t always like what the other had to say, but the relationship is undamaged. Some posters seem to be suggesting insincerely agreeing with a 12 year-old just in case they decide to rebel and run away.

I always just laughed and said "well since he isn't here he won't mind me referring to him with sex based pronouns".

On further conversation I have made very clear to my children that i can't control the way I am referred to when I am not there and nor should anyone else be able to. Free speech is fundamental.

My children were like yours at 12, very much thinking there was only one view on this stuff. Now they are pretty gender critical, won't go out of their way to hurt anyone but won't have their speech policed either.

I know from my own experience that if parents are determined to push outdated views on their children it just leads to them having losing respect for what their parents have to say, because I've seen it in my own family.

OP is entitled to do as she wishes, but DD has been quite clear that she has no patience for it.

God, i feel sorry for the kids of GC parents. Insufferable.

I know! As if 12 year olds and teenagers haven't thought their parents are clueless from the beginning of time. It's really not that big a deal.

I know from my own experience that if parents are determined to push outdated views on their children

There is absolutely nothing ‘outdated’ about knowing that there are two sexes, and that everyone is either male or female.

I don't believe in gender binary. I believe that sex is binary but you can express your gender however you wish but that does not mean your sex changes. This is what I'm teaching my children.

Gender ideology impacts women greatly and I will respectfully tell my children in an age appropriate way. I share my insights on all manner of things and I will listen to their insights too. It's not a one way street.

When a boy at DDs school transitioned and I referred to "Him" DD corrected me and I said that I would try my best to remember but that as I had known them as a certain name and pronoun for several years I may slip up.
I think the best thing is to adopt a "thats nice dear" approach to a lot of these things.
DD knows my opinion and has jokingly called me a Terf but also knows that I wouldn't go out of my way to be cruel (although I will never #bekind)

I didn't agree with my mother on a lot of things at that age and older...right up to her death. I still loved and respected her.
Do not pander. It rarely leads to respect.

Have you considered respecting your daughter's opinion? She is not you and is entitled to her own views, no?

I usually say 'oh dear' and try to remember the one they prefer, as I also try to remember the name they prefer, so that when they come over, as all their friends do, I'm primed to speak to them politely and by the terms they prefer, including name preference. I don't know anyone who would call someone a name they no longer liked (whether for gender reasons or other reasons like just hating their name) and I don't need to use pronouns when they are in the house anyway.

I believe in single sex spaces where appropriate, but am happy to refer to people the way they like, I have friends who have gone by new or different names as part of a reset, nothing to do with gender, and that's fine by me. It's also very rude to mispronounce someone's name anyway.

I would be tempted to say that X may identify as non binary and that is fine, but X is never not going to be a male

Why? My children are well balanced and versed in the reality of sex based discrimination, I also teach them tolerance and understanding. I will not, however, tell them lies - if they want to believe in gender ideology when they are older, great, I will not be doing that. Just as I'm not going to push my non religious views on them either.

Perfect answer!

My thanks to the many Righteous on this thread. You are really educating me on what it means to be on The Right Side of History. Please carry on with your increasing efforts and your Good Work.

This seems to be a theme today. The OP hasn’t been disrespectful to anybody. Have you considered respecting others’ opinions? Or are you just here with the others to scold?

Respecting the DD’s opinion does not mean the OP has to use the same language. She is not trying to stop the DD using preferred pronouns, as far as I can see. The DD can continue to use the wording she feels is right, and so can the OP.

I would say that not matching up to either all the female stereotypes or all the male stereotypes is actually the norm for most human beings, and that it therefore doesn't mean you are a different sex or gender, so why would it need a label suggesting you belong to a different category?

I thought GC people were against compelled speech....

Oh I must have missed the post where the OP told her dd that she had to use particular pronouns...

The problem I have with this pronouns business is that it grates when someone uses "they" or "their" when referring to one person.

I was watching the Sewing Bee the other day and the presenter used "they" when talking about one of the contestants. I don't remember the names but it went something like "Sue has adapted the pattern she used for... and John has printed their own fabric .."

It's just not correct English! The singular in that sort of context is she/he and her/his. They/their is plural.

I'd go with some gentle questioning if it comes up again. Ask her what she understands non binary to mean, how do you go from male to non binary? She will soon work out for herself where the issues are, even if she keeps up the pretense with her friends.

I don't know, I mean, I've had family die from sex-based diseases, and die pretty horribly, that you cannot identify out of, it matters to teach children that you can dress up how you like but sex is immutable and to try to pretend otherwise is dangerous.

Is that the cognitive dissonance speaking? I suspect the kids of GC parents are doing a lot better than those of the True Believers. You know, being in households that value discussion and critical thinking and all.

I believe that sex is binary and immutable but I don’t really care if someone wants to use the pronoun “they”, or even the opposite pronoun to their sex. Personal choice. I don’t think that your chosen pronoun should be a passport to a single-sex space though. It should be accepted as simple window-dressing.

In your position I’d probably have said “OK, will remember that if I ever meet Sam Smith, but they can’t actually hear me so I’m sure no harm done!”

In other words, OP can join others in gaslighting her child. 🤨

If you are looking for a critical analysis of the link from pronouns to physical danger, there is a provocative and thought-provoking one here:

fairplayforwomen.com/pronouns/

I'd be interested what you think of it.