How to react when your child corrects you about someone's pronouns?

[Thirtyfiveandcounting]

My dd is 12 & so far has had a very sheltered life. I am extremely GC & she has never asked about trans or non binary & does not have a phone . Anyways she had a sleepover with a friend in Sun night, she came home & was talking about a particular signed, I said he's a great singer & she said very crossly "they, he's non binary".. I didn't know how to react so I just said "that's me corrected!" to which she replied "yes it is" 😭 She said the girls mother then showed them a video of this singers new music video..
I think I should be blasé & not push my opinion which might push her into rejecting me? I don't want to get this wrong.

And good luck to the rest of the disagreements teen age years bring.

All that will do is alienate the parent the teen will seek alternative adult influence and then you are in a whole heap of crap.

She is a teen she is about to absolutely disagree with 99% of your values because that is what they are programmed to do.

If the op wants open dialogue and a healthy relationship then parents have to agree to disagree and teach respect by showing it.

It's nothing to do with DD being "turned" against you. She respects this singer and I'm guessing a range of other non-binary role models and has chosen to respect the way they choose to be identified. You can dig your heels in and say that you choose not to respect that, but you can't blame anyone but yourself if she then thinks less of you.

The pronouns other people use don't affect you and your life at all. If you wish to carry on being a "she/her" absolutely no-one is questioning your right to do so.

I don't think it's a gotcha. I just remember being 12 and disagreeing with my parents. That response would have just made me dig my heels in!
People should have the right to use gendered or sexed pronouns as they see fit in my opinion.

That is incorrect and I would respectfully suggest you read the Cass Report. Choosing your own pronouns has wider consequences, none of which are kind or respectful to women in prisons, women who've been sexually assaulted and don't want penises in their toilets, women in sport, or confused autistic teenage girls.

If the non-binary person is a child then according to the Cass Report social transition is not a neutral act. You are not that child's parent, doctor, therapist or even teacher. If you use the requested pronouns then you, with no rights or qualifications, are aiding the social transition of a child.

In what world can it be right that you do this?

I would tell your child the above. That you've no right to use the pronouns requested and she has no right to ask you to do so. And then tell her, that's you told. You are her parent and she should not be telling you so vociferously about something she has absolutely no rights or qualifications in.

I would also, as a concerned parent, enquire if the non-binary person's parents are on board with all this and if not then you perhaps have a repsonsibility to tell your child to back off this social transition. Your unqualified child should not be transitioning her peers behind their parents backs. The other parents may well be grateful for your support.

That said, I know it is tough OP, but hold your ground and leave transitioning of children to the professionals; it is the only responsible and caring thing to do, however grumpy it makes your DC.

Respect is a two way street, otherwise what you're actually demanding is genuflection and submission to an identified superior.

I would explain that nobody changes sex, and that it's rude and disrespectful to attempt to control someone else's language and beliefs. And that people are entitled to define and name themselves how they wish, but not require others to join in. And I would be gently explaining why it isn't harmless and these choices have much, much wider impacts on other people's lives and equality. It is necessary to provide this balance of information; children won't hear it any other way.

It's literally what 'he' means @NewNameNigel !

Great, so just respect that you know nothing about why this singer chooses that identity and it has no impact on you and refer to them as they identify themselves.

Or don't, and see DD's regard for you drop. Even better, try to force your views on gender binary on her, see how that goes.

You could chat to her and say that as she grows up most children grow out of gender ideology non-binary stuff. Which is true.
Talk to her about why as well. The reasons are very obvious that young girls don’t feel comfortable in the hypersexualised internet world they’re exposed to.

I’d ask her what non-binary means so she can work out the tangled, meaningless definition for herself. I’d also take the opportunity to explain about gender stereotypes and that it’s perfectly ok for a boy/man to be feminine and that he’s still male. I’d also ask her how many people she thinks 100% fit the stereotypes associated with their sex. Do all this casually. She has to find her own way.

As for the singer, I’d use their name.

I didn't disagree with her, I just said "oh I didn't realise, that's me corrected" , I didn't pass comment or opinion.

Jesus Christ. Thank god my son and his pals seem to have some common sense. Reading what you do on here will have you believe that the young have been completely brainwashed, they haven't...well not all of them. I do think there's a herd mentality at play somewhat.

They will grow out of this nonsense...hopefully.

Nope I would have corrected her back.

This is on its way out I really do feel we are at the tail end of kids blindly going along with it.

My 11 year old knows that there is no such thing and kids in secondary school are starting to take the piss out of it.

Luckily we only lost one generation of kids to it

The pronouns other people use don't affect you and your life at all. If you wish to carry on being a "she/her" absolutely no-one is questioning your right to do so.

They signal agreement with a belief system that I think is harmful. So that's a big no from me. In time my kids can make their own choices regarding their language but I've made mine.

No there is no non binary child involved, she was at her friends for a sleepover & the friend was telling her a singer was non binary. The child's mother showed them a video of the singers new video.

My response would be 'everyone is non binary, but they is still male or female. Now, what should we have for lunch/tea'.

Even better, try to force your views on gender binary on her, see how that goes

But it’s gender ideology that reinforces the gender binary by implying you can’t be a feminine man or masculine woman. The vast majority of people are ‘non-binary’ but they don’t feel the need to label themselves as such because it’s blindingly obvious, and to do so would mean looking to the very gender stereotypes we thought we’d done away with years ago.

I'd stick with that if I was you. Your beliefs apply to you and you are entitled to identify yourself as you wish. They don't spread to others and by misgendering someone she respects, you're just going to push her away from you.

My adult children know that I think pronouns are utter bullshit and asking me to use them amounts to compelled speech. They know that I will call a man a man and refuse to buy into the ideology that says anyone can change sex because they simply can't. I think you handled it fine but IIWY I'd calmly explain that not everyone agrees. I certainly wouldn't be lectured on gender ideology by a 12 year old. Good luck.

I really hope so. As I said my dd is very sheltered so this type of talk is very new to her.

I wondered that too!

And I would respectfully suggest you read up in development of teens. The girl isn't saying she is non binary she is referring to a grown adult who identifoes that way.

And I suggest the leap from respecting an adults choice is a very large leap to the horrific incidents which have literally nothing to do with a trans person but predators who existed and will continue to exist when the spotlight moves in from trans.

Any cases I have read are clearly predatory males pretending to be trans to fit their defence.

I would go with 'Oh, so (name) prefers to be called by pronouns different to their sex? That's interesting. Do you like (name)'s music?'

It establishes your position without going heavy handed, opens a path for discussion and also a path for a different discussion (about what's likeable in music) if your DD isn't interested/comfortable in pursuing the gender issue but just wants to reconnect with you in some chit chat after the sleepover.

She may be testing boundaries, testing ideas, testing bonds or just shooting the shit at this age. Don't go in with an agenda.

This would be the sensible approach. You could have a valuable discussion and it's never too early to develop critical thinking skills.

OP, ignore the doomsday posters on here implying your kid will never ever speak to you again if you dare to disagree with her!

I'd just be blase, the more you concentrate on it the more she is likely to fixate.