How to react when your child corrects you about someone's pronouns?

[Thirtyfiveandcounting]

My dd is 12 & so far has had a very sheltered life. I am extremely GC & she has never asked about trans or non binary & does not have a phone . Anyways she had a sleepover with a friend in Sun night, she came home & was talking about a particular signed, I said he's a great singer & she said very crossly "they, he's non binary".. I didn't know how to react so I just said "that's me corrected!" to which she replied "yes it is" 😭 She said the girls mother then showed them a video of this singers new music video..
I think I should be blasé & not push my opinion which might push her into rejecting me? I don't want to get this wrong.

There's also a current jokey thread where the OP has deliberately exploited the ambiguity of 'they' for humorous effect: "My 12 year old used my fabric scissors to open a bag of popcorn. Is there any point keeping them?"

No we were chatting about a singer & I called him a he. She corrected me sharply "No it's they, X is non binary"..

It's Sam Fucking Smith, isn't it? From Wiki:

In May 2014, Smith came out to the public as gay

In October 2017, Smith came out as genderqueer

In September 2019, they came out as non-binary and changed their pronouns to they/them

😏

God, the eye rolling tedium of the non binary 'I'm sooooo unique and special!!!'. It's just fucking boring. At least the 'I'm so unique!!' crowd used to make an effort - a habit of wearing unusual hats, or doing interpretive dance pieces about, I don't know, barges, or owing a ferret or some such shite.

Now it's making people ignore all sense and demanding compelled speech while giving pious wee lectures.

I can't wait for the next 'main character' bollocks to hit TicTok and all this will become 'God, do you remember when I insisted I was non binary?'. I'm so glad I grew up and got some hobbies'.

So much attention seeking

Obviously please don't feel obliged to answer if it's too personal, but has anyone asked her an open question to understand what about being a girl she doesn't identify with?

@MrsSunshine2b That’s really interesting because your step-daughter’s feelings chime with the feelings of many many women and girls that I know, including myself and my DD. I also don’t like being given ‘girly’ gifts because I have no interest in that sort of thing. I prefer practical gifts. If someone bought me candles, pampering sets or hair decorations, I would obviously say thank you but wouldn’t use them. In fact my dear MIL (who I love very much) put a manicure set in my Christmas stocking most years for many years. I gave them to the charity shop. I think MIL now understands that I’m not into doing my nails as she doesn’t buy them for me anymore. Equally, I don’t like it when people repeatedly use words like beautiful/stunning/pretty about girls and women (if they don’t also use those terms for boys) because I find it belittling. Focusing on women’s physical appearance to the exclusion of their actual skills and qualities is damaging IMO.

What you’ve said has made me more sure than ever that most of the women I know (especially the feminists) are all non-binary.

Can't they just be masculine type women?

Or practise the Christian value of honesty. Christianity doesn’t have to be wishy-washy lovey-dovey. Jesus was really hard on hypocrites, for example.

@Petitchat- well yes, exactly. Women like this have always existed. They are still women, regardless of their interests and mode of dress. It’s incredibly regressive and insulting to think that women who don’t perform femininity are somehow not women but some sort of different category.

Of course we have, it's something we've talked about a lot, and we get the same answer- inside herself, she does not, and has never, felt like a girl, whatever that means. I know that I always felt like a girl and now a woman and at no stage have I ever felt that I'm uncomfortable being female. I do know that if I woke up tomorrow in the body of a man, I would be absolutely horrified and would do everything in my power to appear and be recognised as a woman again. I'm just doing her the courtesy I would want for myself if I felt that way.

How much courtesy are you extending to your stepdaughter’s own mother here?

Not to mention the two posters with PCOS who you’ve insulted…

I have preempted that moment with my children by making sure you they understand that you can't change sex. They're very GC. If anyone did accuse me of misgendering someone I would point out that person has actually misgendered themselves.

I don't have anything to do with my stepdaughter's mother. My stepdaughter is my priority.

Anyone who thinks that saying that a woman with PCOS who has a full beard might be mistaken for a man is an insult to people with PCOS is being ridiculous. I have PCOS myself.

If you don't want to OP you are not obliged to lie. Just explain to her calmly and politely that it is his belief system that he's not male, and not yours. Nobody is compelled to say things that go against their belief system. Like you as Christians don't demand anyone else says amen when you pray.

she does not, and has never, felt like a girl, whatever that means

Well, indeed. What does that mean? There are so many different ways to be a girl that feeling like one, or not feeling like one, is somewhat difficult to explain. Unfortunately it's something lots of young girls are grappling with when they potentially feel like a bit of a misfit or have hobbies/preferences that aren't considered typically "girly". There are also girls who "identity out of girlhood" for other reasons e.g. as a reaction to their changing body and the way that they are looked at differently by boys/men.

Hopefully she's getting a neutral approach from all of the adults in her life and isn't encouraged to think of anyone who doesn't "affirm" her identity as being a problem.

If her mum refers to her as female, this is neutral i.e. it's in line with the recommendation to avoid social transition, owing to its lack of neutrality.

Does this child’s mother know you discuss and deride her parenting and opinions, or is this all done without her knowledge? And all the while you’re referring to your ‘stepdaughter’ so you know full well she’s female. But her own mother is ‘disappointing’ for referring to her as a ‘talented young lady’? Make it make sense..

As for the other thing - you directly implied that PCOS proved that sex wasn’t a binary. Two posters with PCOS found that insulting, and you haven’t given them the courtesy of a response - unless I’ve missed that?

Anyone who thinks that saying that a woman with PCOS who has a full beard might be mistaken for a man is an insult to people with PCOS is being ridiculous. I have PCOS myself.

That's not the bit that was insulting.

https://www.quaker.org.uk/faith/quaker-life/quakers-and-lgbt-inclusion
You may want to review your churches stance ....as it appears at odds with your understanding.

They’re quite honest that Quakers are not all in agreement regarding gender identity. They state that LGBTQI people are welcome in their meetings and I don’t think @Teribus21 has suggested they aren’t. The Quakers do not say that they as a group believe in the concept of non-binary, or that people can change sex.

I've got a lot of time for the Quaker approach. They really mean and practise this: "We can respectfully and kindly disagree."

I don't believe there's any such thing as "feeling like a girl". All girls feel differently. But feeling uncomfortable in your skin or uneasy about your identity is a very common experience for young people of both sexes.

If you woke up tomorrow in the body of a man you would be distressed because you would have a lifetime of memories of living in a woman's body. You would still feel like the woman you have always been, only suddenly you would be in a man's body. Unless your memories also disappeared, in which case there is no reason to believe you would feel any gender related distress. (You'd probably be a lot more distressed about the amnesia.) This is not the situation trans people are in.

I would say feeling disappointed at being given 'girly' gifts that you're not remotely interested in, and alienated by the expectation of doing 'girly' stuff that you don't like, is very much a womanly feeling. It doesn't happen to men does it?

It's like these young people are buying into the stereotypes so much they don't even see women as full three-dimensional people with a range of interests and tastes. What must they think of us older women getting on with business not being girly at all? Does age make us invisible?

How is it possible that would you wake up tomorrow with the body of a man, if you're a woman?

What fantasy world do you live in?