There's nothing I can do about this, is there?

[Acunningruse]

Visited a different city today for work and went to a branch of Caffè Nero. I was served by what was very clearly a man, despite his attempt to look female and the fact he was wearing a she/her badge. Said man was wearing extremely tight leggings which, as he was wearing a waist-length t-shirt, meant his manhood was obviously visible. His appearance was a source of mumbling/muttering in the queue and he seemed to be enjoying the attention with a lot of hair-flicking.

I m not able to articulate why this made me so uncomfortable- other than the fact that no way in hell would I want to share a bathroom or changing room with this person.

But there's nothing at all to be done, is there? As any objection would surely be met with accusations of "discrimination " and "be kind".

Just so so frustrating. I just wanted to scream "you are not a woman!!!!" But I can't, can I.

I'd write to them saying you do not want to see the genitals of any member of staff and that they should consider the uniform employees wear.

Also you are worried about the health and safety because with such a tight fit any spill of coffee / hot water could be a serious accident.

No mention of sex/gender/which member of staff.

Lol this is truly the first time I’ve been accused of being a man!

I'm surprised at the attempts to minimise this. This person has clearly dressed in a way that shows their penis, through their clothes. That's inappropriate, especially in a customer facing scenario.

I (hope i would have had the balls) would have asked to see the manager at the time and asked them to explain why they thought allowing indecency in a public shop was acceptable.

@Acunningruse Said man was wearing extremely tight leggings which, as he was wearing a waist-length t-shirt, meant his manhood was obviously visible.

**Sounds a bit Isla Bryson to me. Are you sure they weren't part of a prisoner rehabilitation program?

You felt uncomfortable because you were an unconsenting player in that man's fetish.
You felt uncomfortable because he had power over you - you couldn't complain, could you now, without him yelling Karen or Transphobe at you. So you had to stand there as as he got off on your forced compliance.

Even dressed in a wig and leggings, it's obvious male entitlement.

I agree with this post. All that seems to have happened here is that someone was wearing tight leggings that revealed the outline of his genitals. The guy also happened to be wearing a cross-sex pronouns badge, but is that really relevant?

If the clothing was revealing enough to be inappropriate, then it would be inappropriate with or without the badge. If you complain (which you should only do if you have evidence that the guy was actually flashing, rather than wearing the male equivalent of a too-low-for-work cleavage), complain on the basis of the clothing, not the conjunction of clothing and pronouns.

@GoodOldEmmaNess

Women's breasts are made for feeding, they are not primarily a sex organ so comparing the two does not work

I agree with this post. All that seems to have happened here is that someone was wearing tight leggings that revealed the outline of his genitals. The guy also happened to be wearing a cross-sex pronouns badge, but is that really relevant?

I would say it is very relevant. There's a good reason why people with male bodies don't usually wear very tight leggings in public (maybe under trousers for warmth, of course) - the same reason that people with female bodies don't usually just wear swimming trunks and nothing else at the public pool.

I'd write to the cafe HQ to say super-tight clothing that shows the shape of genitals is inappropriate in a cafe context (and would be if it was a woman in tight camel-toe leggings too).
No need to mention the hair if it was tied back. Or the she/her badge.

It's all part of the same thing though.
Do you honestly think that a man in tight leggings that displayed his cock would not have been told to cover it up if he HADN'T also been "trans"

The wig and the pronoun badge is his shield to allow him to get away with this. You're NOT ALLOWED to complain - he's special and oppressed etc.

Its also "you will see my obvious male body parts but you will also call me a woman - or else!" An obvious power trip. How can you not see this?

How indeed.

Beats the crap out of me why a few certain people can't see the problem with a man deliberately dressing to show a clear outline of his genitals in a customer-facing role. Or anywhere.

Maybe they just don't want to see it or haven't had the experiences of most of us here with men pushing boundaries for whatever reason, particularly when these men's fetishes are involved.

I'm amazed that men don't see a problem with this either. Obviously, men aren't the focus of this particular man's display but surely some would notice and find it inappropriate. Especially fathers of daughters.

My DP is what we used to call a very manly man. Plays rugby, football, cricket and golf and hits the gym regularly. We had a conversation about sports, changing rooms, and the difference in both sexes not long after we met. He said changing room behaviour and banter isn't sexual. Even the odd gay man on the teams won't engage in anything the other players consider sexual.

In my experience of changing rooms before I became disabled, I found the same. Maybe less banter.

However, put a man in a woman's changing room and everything will be about him and the thrill he gets from being on show and/or looking at female bodies. Not to mention the control he has over women as they have to put up with him.

Now it's expected that we accept this everywhere. Male genitalia isn't attractive at the best of times but especially not when it's forced into our view. I don't want to see it. I don't want to be a target for some man getting his kicks.

Many years ago when I was 12 and first flashed at I told my mum. She told me to point and laugh loudly if it happened again. It did and I tried to do as I was told, but froze in fear, all the while feeling shame and disgust that I had been caught.

Why should I have felt shame? Why did I feel like I had lost something? Why did I feel scared? Why was I made to feel uncomfortable? IT WASN'T MY FAULT! I was the victim of a clever pervert who knew his target and did his flashing quickly and quietly relying on his victim being frozen in shock.

This new breed of "trans" doesn't need to do this. They can display it all any time, any place, safe in the knowledge that they can go home and have a nice little wank over their control of women and their feelings. Cos women's feelings don't matter, do they?

I still feel the same negative feelings I had all those times but this time I'm not allowed to complain.

Complain and vote with your feet. It's not about the trans, it's about the man.

It's not about the trans, it's about the man. Well, precisely. Which is why I think the OP should complain about the inappropriate clothing and leave it at that.

Not a trans person in tights. Probably the least likely to be dangerous to women. Rather, trans people are frontiers of gender fluidity where ideas of male and female characteristics merge and change, and that makes a lot of people uncomfortable (just look at the discomfort of a man flinging his hair lol - or cry..)

Well, clearly not at the fore-front of gender fluidity or he'd be fine about being a bloke in tights.

And it's not that it it's a bloke wearing leggings that makes us uncomfortable, it's a bloke showing of his genitalia in a coffee shop. My son wore leggings until he was 8 (and went to extremely baggy trousers instead), and has long hair. I'd tell him to stop flinging it around if he was serving food though - the behaviour is the problem here.

"frontiers of gender fluidity" 🙄 - we've already broken through those barriers. You're welcome. You're the ones who are trying to put the barbed wire fences back up. You're the ones who can't handle the idea of girly boys or butch girls.

This is not about bravely testing gender norms. Can't you see the difference between that and a guy getting as close to flashing as he can?

Mention that you were upset that a staff member’s cock and balls were clearly visible. No need to mention anything else.

I was the butchest tomboy you could imagine and my brother the girliest boy. We used to swap toys and clothes. His Scout belt was my most prized possession.

My brother is now out and proud but not girly in the slightest. If you didn't know he was gay you'd never guess. My parents knew he was gay but never pushed him to be something he wasn't. He left the girly clothes behind years ago as he would never have progressed as far as he did in his profession.

I haven't changed my clothing choice as jeans and sweatshirts have always been off-duty practical and uniforms took away choice at work, as they did at school. On rare uniform-free school days, I'd turn up in my uniform but in trousers instead of a skirt as an act of protest because girls weren't allowed to wear them normally. Even back then boys would always try to look up your skirt (knee length only!) as you walked upstairs.

I am so relieved my parents simply allowed us to grow up as we liked. Today, my brother would probably have been forced into medication to trans away his gay and I'd have worn binders then had top surgery.

Neither of us had even considered being able to "change" sex. Though I definitely had pee-standing-up penis envy! I still do when I encounter a grotty public toilet but I don't want to see strange ones in a urinal. Or anywhere else.

As Snowypeaks says, we've already broken "gender" barriers and are now trying to stop further damage and repair the damage already done by people who seemingly cannot (or will not) understand that the "gender norms" of yesteryear no longer need to be followed.

Our kids should be allowed to wear and present however they like and their sexuality should be accepted and nobody's business but their own. This should be "fluid" enough for any sane person. (It's clearly not for so-called charities and corporations that profit financially from "trans" children and their families, though.) Children should not forced into unnecessary medication and surgery by people who, it turns out, are more backward-thinking than the strictest preacher of my childhood. Because this is how this cult presents itself to me.

Should I be satisfied that I can say no to religion and strict preachers now, but I still can't say no to these men?

Flashing is flashing however a man presents. Nero man (and too many others like him) is forcing us to look and getting off on it.

Well said.

Also I was a teen in the 1980s, you know when men were wearing make up, the charts were dominated by Boy George, Alf and Marylin.

The Americans though Annie Lenox was a transvestite.

Lace and ribbons everywhere and at the same time punks and new romantics.

Been there, done that, wore the knickerbockers and still played Bowie music.

You have heard of David Bowie haven't you? Have you see Labyrinth? Somehow Bowie manages to wear the tightest trousers in cinema history without showing his meat and two veg.

Strangely enough male ballet dances do the same.

Can you do anything about a trans person existing in the world? No, and don’t be a prick.

Can you do anything about inappropriate clothing? Yes.

Take your own advice. The OP doesn't care about the guy having long hair, she cares that because he has long hair and a she/her badge, she is expected to be cool about him sticking his tackle in her face.

UPDATE

I visited the branch again the following day (I will be in this city training for 6 weeks) and the same staff member was serving. Their behaviour again made me uncomfortable- this time stretching in a faux yawn and stretching their arms behind their head so the fake boobs were level with my face

I sent the following email to Caffè Nero Head Office:

I visited this branch of Caffè Nero on Thursday 11th and Friday 12th November. During both visits, I found the dress and behaviour of the (sole) staff member serving to be inappropriate for the workplace. Their unnecessarily tight clothing and overtly sexual body language made me extremely uncomfortable.

Kind regards etc

I received the following response:

'Thank you for your email, I hope you're well this morning.

I'm sorry to hear how you were left feeling on both of your visits to the store in [location redacted], I assure you that this is not the standard we wish to set with our customers in any of our stores.

I have passed your feedback to the store's Area Manager and have asked them to directly address this with the team in-store.

Thank you for taking the time to write to us, and I do hope we are able to welcome you back into our stores soon.'

Anyway I visited the branch again today and there was the same staff member there, and another staff member there, and I overheard this person ask how long they would be observing (ie they are obviously not regular staff)

I don't suppose anything will come of it but at least caffe Nero have investigated. Hopefully the uniform thing will be flagged as today's grey leggings I do not think would pass any kind of uniform guidelines.

How was the original staff member dressed? More appropriately?

Well done for complaining. Maybe you were not the only one.

Well put email. The problem is this individuals behaviour and dress, not their sex or gender.

Have you been since, OP?

I hope Caffe Nero don't let this go.

This man is taking the piss and obviously intends to go straight back to his old ways as soon as the observer leaves.

He obviously knows he's been flagged but thinks he's above anyone's concern. This all-about-me-and-fuck-everyone-else attitude pisses me off no end.