They / them at work

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I've just written a long post and it's disappeared so in brief - how do you deal with staff who are they/them at work? I will really struggle to call a very obvious biological male 'they'. I also can't loose my job and do want to be respectful but also can't change my view on this nonsense !

I find that not mentioning people with non-standard pronouns unless I really must, and then, saying as little as possible, so that using the name will suffice, goes a long way.

I just avoid using pronouns at all when I encounter that scenario, I'll use their name and their name only - In private I'll typically just say their biological gender because I refuse to be 'policed' in private.

Find other friends, just not spend too much time with him, don't talk about him.

Whatever you say, say nothing as the man said.

If you want to be respectful as you say, just use the pronouns they ask you to?! Or their name?
Not difficult.

Just meet them and figure it out. You're going to have to decide at some point to use or not use them, and to be willing to stand by whichever decision wholeheartedly. I'm glad that you want to show respect for individuals, because a clash of ideologies can be hard but treating people well should be the starting point, not ignoring or avoiding referring to them, in my respectful and gender critical opinion.

I personally would use names only but I would also avoid interaction as much as possible as then you avoid any situation where you might accidentally make a mistake. Using non-standard English is HARD because pronouns are instinctive, particularly if you're going through the menopause!

If you're going to be punished for using standard English, minimise interaction as much as you can.

I'd just try to use their name. You'll probably find that everyone slips up and uses the biologically correct pronoun because it takes up far too much head space to keep on top of it. I wouldn't make a big deal of it at work.

how often do you talk in detail about this person? I can't imagine it's that often in a work context that you'd speak about a third party at such length that you'd normally/naturally use their pronouns repeatedly - 99% of the time if I'm talking about a third party it would be in a conversation with alternating sentences, so it would be easy, if not instinctive to just use the first name each time. 'I spoke to Jo about this.' 'Yes that's the advice Jo gave me.'

Most of the time when you're talking about 'Jo' they won't be present so the person you're talking with might not even realise if the odd 'he' does slip out and is unlikely to make a big deal out of it. Because it's not the most natural way of speaking the other person/people will probably do it themselves too.

I’ve never had to deal with this but think I would bumble through with all ideas suggested. I would absolutely aim to stick to my principles and never call him ‘they’.

Only other idea I can add, if you have the kind of persona or work culture that allows for it, is to be all ‘oh I can’t keep up with it all, I’m bound to forget’. Might not work for you but I might try that approach in amongst the others if I am ever in this boat.

And what about the person being respectful to those of us who only believe in sex based pronouns? Or does that not count?

I put they/them down as wankers and ignore them.

They can call you by the pronouns you prefer?!
Just like a name. People call you by the name you prefer. You call them by the name they prefer, even if you privately think they have a daft name.

Ditto.

@Soontobe60 I'm XX I prefer they/them not from a trans point of view but because being XX doesn't define who I am. OP I would just use they/them for everyone. I can't remember the last time I used she/he in conversation it feels so old fashioned.

I find it confusing following a narrative where I don't know if the person is referring to one person as they or they're talking about several people. If you prefer to speak this way it's fine but I think it affects the clarity of what you're saying.

We have a they/them and the only way I can reconcile with my discomfort is to just say their name.

Instead of they want this file by 12 and then they will be booking meeting room 3 for 2 hours so they can have a meeting with the client. Please leave the stapler as that is for them.

It's just John wants this file by 12 then John will be booking a meeting room 3 for 2 hours so John can have a meeting with the client. Please leave John's stapler.

It's awkward but I just can't make my mouth lie, or say things my eyes aren't seeing, or deceive what my brain already knows.

Gendered pronouns are not my belief. I believe in sex based pronouns.

We had a non binary staff member for a while.

Practically everyone except the people on this person’s team kept forgetting & used the correct sex pronoun when talking about the person - even the staff members who’d put pronouns in their bios because they’d been told it was a Good Thing To Do.

I just avoided using pronouns for that person altogether, mainly out of self preservation.

Using she or he is "old fashioned" now... ach well, I suppose it'll only be another few years before all the they/them business is desperately old hat too. Then no doubt, she and he will be retro cool.

Singular they has been in use in English since the 1200s, though, so it's not grammatically incorrect. (Scientifically incorrect of course yes but linguistically no.)

Yes but it is used where the sex is unknown to the speaker, usually where the persons identity is unknown.

"I'll speak to the doctor when I see them" is easily understood as a singular use of an unknown sex.

"I'll speak to John when I see them" is not the natural use of language and is confusing.

It's possibly even more confusing if it is a non-binary name where it's not clear it's one person that is being spoken about (like the scene in Colin from Accounts where he thinks they need to keep multiple spaces at a table for them).

In all honesty OP, I'd try to avoid it or use their name as much as possible. It feels very false to me, but perhaps over time it would feel more natural.

Thanks so much for all the replies. Some really useful advice here. To answer a couple - they (ha! I'm doing it!) are going to be working for me. I will be there direct line manager from next week. No escape. I've found this info out this week from someone in their current team (who was trying to help me as I kept saying 'he/him').
I work somewhere where pronouns in signatures are encouraged strongly. I don't do it.
Honestly the shit I have to deal with at work and now this. I think someone has it in for me somewhere!

Who’d have thought eradicating sexism was that simple?

Use they or his name when you remember, but he’ll have to accept that he can’t compel other people’s speech and that respect works both ways.

Yes this 100%! I'm happy is use they/them for everyone tbh

But when you don't believe in gender ideology, it's really painful to be forced to