Is it ok to ask someone's biological sex before meeting them?

[DippingAToeIn]

This might not be the right place to post this, but I'm new to online dating. I'm bisexual and have been chatting to a woman who I plan to meet up with. I'm not comfortable with dating a trans woman, so would prefer to know beforehand if someone is trans. I have asked her if she is biologically female- she hasn't seen the message yet but I'm now worried that this question could potentially be offensive. Am I ok to have asked? I know I wouldn't mind being asked...

Thanks 🙏 no reply yet

Definitely a valid question and one I don't imagine a biological woman would be offended by.

If she is offended, then your views don't align and you're better off away from her anyway! Good luck.

I wouldn't be offended

Still radio silence. Ah well, obviously not right for me- onwards I go!

I guess you have learned that she is one of those women who get upset by discussions about biology, so no loss there…

I've just checked with the breast screening clinic that female staff means biologically female. After my X-ray leaflet mentioned pregnant people I thought I would join in. Best to ask.

A relative just had to go for an OP (men’s plumbing). He is 70 and was asked if there was any chance he was pregnant. He almost peed himself laughing.

Well I suppose it lightened the mood, when you are having cancer treatment…🙄

Next to his bed is a whiteboard where you can write your preferred name and pronouns. He said that he is going to have fun with that and change it several times a day.

I’ve got my smear next week - the letter stated it’s for women and other people with a cervix 🤷‍♀️ That’ll confuse Starmer

I have a friend who is a trans man and when he is OLD, he always tells potential partners beforehand that he is trans, because it's not the sort of surprise you want people to get when you're in bed together, is it? So I think it's fine to ask. I also can't understand why people wouldn't be volunteering this information rather than risk a really super awkward situation down the line, but...

It's fascinating to trace the journey from a state where trans people had a moderately reliable 'transdar' due to being hyperaware of other trans people, to one where there are now dedicated 'transvestigator' communities out there - and the rate of false positives is absolutely hilarious.

You don't 'see' a subset of the trans people who don't fit your image of what a trans person looks like, and thus don't even get to the point of thinking 'hm I wonder'.

It does and while I like to be charitable and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, the set of 'people who get weird when they realise someone is trans' has had an almost 1-1 overlap in my experience with a whole pile of other red flags.

What makes me angry is when people use the term ‘biological’ as a descriptor for the word ‘woman’.
There are tall women, old women, married women, poor women, English women, disabled women. All are biological. The non biological women to whom you’re inferring are in fact men.

@ButterflyHatched the only group of people who claim to be the opposite sex that occasionally, in an actual real life encounter, make me think hmmm are transmen. Whereas transwomen, even when not in a face to face situation, never quite ‘pass’.

If you keep assuming that then it certainly makes my life much easier.

Ha ha. Someone's never been onto a lesbian dating site.

I have asked tens of thousands of people to remove their clothes (HCP...). I have never, ever been surprised by their sex. These are people I have typically talked to for a few minutes, having never met them before.

I have met some transmen whom I would have walked pass in the street, thinking them to be male, but a few minutes' conversation gives subtle clues as to sex. I have never met a TW whose sex I had not easily detected.

I don't think trans people should feel a pressure to 'pass', but most non-trans people are well aware that trans people typically do want to pass. The non-oaf public are not going to make it obvious that they have detected that someone's gender identity is different from birth sex, out of politeness. It does not follow that we haven't noticed.

Next to his bed is a whiteboard where you can write your preferred name and pronouns. He said that he is going to have fun with that and change it several times a day.

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Love this and I hope he gets jolly offended when staff get it wrong!

@Soontobe60 I think we're on the same page? I now use biological in some of these discussions because if you ain't an Adult Human Female then absolutely you are a man

I don't think trans people should feel a pressure to 'pass', but most non-trans people are well aware that trans people typically do want to pass. The non-oaf public are not going to make it obvious that they have detected that someone's gender identity is different from birth sex, out of politeness. It does not follow that we haven't noticed.

No. Last time I pretended not to have noticed, it was me & a hefty six footer on a very quiet street and I was focusing purely on self preservation. I have no idea whether said six footer realised that.

Also, though, in situations where biology is relevant - like dating sites - I would expect people to be honest about their sex.