Is it ok to ask someone's biological sex before meeting them?

[DippingAToeIn]

This might not be the right place to post this, but I'm new to online dating. I'm bisexual and have been chatting to a woman who I plan to meet up with. I'm not comfortable with dating a trans woman, so would prefer to know beforehand if someone is trans. I have asked her if she is biologically female- she hasn't seen the message yet but I'm now worried that this question could potentially be offensive. Am I ok to have asked? I know I wouldn't mind being asked...

While it's certainly almost always possible to tell IRL, photos on the Internet can be easy to alter these days.

I don't see anything at all wrong with asking someone's sex in a situation where sex is on the table.

It’s a very reasonable question as photos can be very heavily filtered.

My (male) friend went on a date and a TW turned up looking completely different to photos then got really aggressive and abusive when my mate refused to continue the date.

If she was offended, would you want to date her anyway?
This. If she is pansexual and thinks you are transphobic for asking then you may not have common ground anyway.
I would be a bit offended (as a biological woman) if someone asked me, based on my dating profile pics before we'd met, whether I was biologically female.
Didn't think about this. I wouldn't necessarily think you thought I was trans with passing privilege/thought I was trans because I looked masculine. I'd assume (in this case correctly) that you'd been catfished in the past.

I presume that you have already disclosed to this woman that you are bisexual rather than pan sexual ? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking that question as long as you are polite and respectful!

If she gets offended then I’d wonder if you would be a good match anyway.

There's nothing impolite or disrespectful about asking someone if they are an adult human female.
It's actually shit we have to phrase it that way, rather than "woman".

Filters mean you cannot trust a picture. But then again, if they sent you a picture with a filter they would probably also lie in response to your question.

I would have thought you could phrase it differently and tell the potential date that you are biologically a woman because of a previous misunderstanding, without going into details.

Personally I would be offended if some-one asked that after having seen my photos and I imagine many women (cis or passing) would be, as it suggests that we look potentially masculine. However, as you are bisexual, you may be interacting with people who are more accepting of the question as standard.

It’s important to be polite and respectful because some women (aka adult females!) might feel offended that you thought they could be trans, but I would want to be courteous to anyone, trans people included . I would equally expect courtesy and respect from a trans person wishing to date me in that they ask first how I feel about it. Presuming that a gay or bi woman (aka biological female )would be automatically happy to date a trans woman is not respectful.

You don't know what you don't know.

A lot of trans people aren't going around advertising their birth sex.

You will have, almost 100% certainly, come across someone whose biological sex you did not know by looking at them.

That really perturbs people, I don't know why.

It really perturbs people that women can identify men. I don’t know why.

There's something a bit cringey about it as well - 'let's not beat around the bush - what's between your legs?' - is not very romantic

But that's not what op asked. She asked if the person was a biologically female woman.

Women are much more than what's between our legs, don't you know?

I'd think it is a valid question for OLD. The filters obscure such a lot!

I didn't really say anything about men or women.

I said that there are some people whose biological sex you will not know by looking at them.

I mean filters hide a lot from actual women never mind transpeople I imagine it's filter central in OLD.

I would be a bit offended (as a biological woman) if someone asked me, based on my dating profile pics before we'd met, whether I was biologically female.

I would hope that it's obvious from my profile pictures and if someone thought I looked like I might be male, it would be a bit of a blow to my confidence if I'm honest.

Not to name names but some high profile transwomen look so much like a woman in their self-published photos. Photographs or footage of them taken by other people look…very different.

I can see where the offence might be taken but when photos can be filtered to look completely different to the original/reality, I can’t blame anyone for not trusting a picture.

what's between your legs?'

Are you a transactivist, by any chance, @hungryhiphop . The only people I’ve ever seen asking this kind of obsessive question about anatomy are transactivists. Somehow or other, it’s never women who don’t believe men are women who mention this.

OP, of course it’s okay to ask. You may cause offence, but it’s better to check early if it’s important to you, and if it’s a woman who’s so offended by the question that she backs out, then she’s probably not for you anyway.

Good luck.

I don't see anything at all wrong with asking someone's sex in a situation where sex is on the table.

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Absolutely this.

The fact that biological women who want a connection with other biological women have to tie themselves in knots with this conversation so as not to offend but also maintain their boundaries, makes me really angry actually

I suppose if you're bisexual trans people might assume you'd be open to dating them as you're attracted to both sexes so it's like more trans people would swipe 'right' on you that in a lesbian for example

I would follow up to the person you're talking to and explain why you asked so she doesn't think you're implying she looks male

I think it’s perfectly fine to say ‘I have to ask as this happened me before.’

Has she reolied? It's a valid question and I would ask it too.

I did send another message explaining why I'd asked. She's read them but not replied yet. That's a pattern for her anyway so may or may not be significant. We'll see!