Is it ok to ask someone's biological sex before meeting them?

[DippingAToeIn]

This might not be the right place to post this, but I'm new to online dating. I'm bisexual and have been chatting to a woman who I plan to meet up with. I'm not comfortable with dating a trans woman, so would prefer to know beforehand if someone is trans. I have asked her if she is biologically female- she hasn't seen the message yet but I'm now worried that this question could potentially be offensive. Am I ok to have asked? I know I wouldn't mind being asked...

Given than 0.5% of the population identify differently from their biological sex its only going to be 1 in every 200 people I personally would have taken the risk and if they were trans (of that 0.5 we are down to about 0.001% that actually pass as another sex) would have wrapped it up.

Maybe she too feels nervous about asking you exactly the same question.
I doubt she’d be offended.

sounds like a perfectly reasonable question to me

If she was offended, would you want to date her anyway?

If a potential sexual partner asked me that question before meeting me, I'd laugh and say 'yes, I am!' I wouldn't be at all offended - why should I be? I could take a guess at the type of person who would be offended and get shirty, though.

I think if I had shared clear picture and asked I'd be slightly offended that they thought I was a man from the pictures.

(But I am a fairly boring 50 year old woman)

Maybe not offended as such more upset?

Don't people have a voice conversation before they meet as I would have thought that doing so would make it fairly obvious?

I'm old though and haven't been on the dating scene for years so don't laugh!

When it comes to the reasonableness of your questions and dating preferences there is no problem with your message. You are allowed to have preferences, no matter what the likes of Stonewall might suggest!

When I was last doing the online dating thing (given up now) I never spoke to the men before meeting them. Which, I now realise, was a mistake.

Perfectly fine to ask.

Absolutely fine to ask. As for pictures, an awful lot can be done with filters.

Even though if you’d seen a photo of me I think I’m very obviously female, I’m aware that filters do loads of heavy lifting on these mens photos.

So I’d have no problems being asked, or asking.

And in fact if they were female but got shirty about being asked, then they’re not someone I’d want to meet up with anyway.

Tip from my recent spate of online dating - speak first, hear their voice and see if you click somewhat. Can be scary but it's a good thing to do.
Also, depending on what app you're using, I've found people tend to be very upfront about their identity. She might be offended but I think asking is OK. As women, we sadly need to be so cautious with online dating so it is good to know exactly who you are meeting!

It’s perfectly fine. If it’s something that’s important to you, I think you should ask. If you’re compatible, it will work out whatever the answer / response. If you aren’t compatible it won’t. Some people may be offended, but if it’s something that matters then it’s reasonable to ask.

Also, hope it goes well if you do meet up!

Well you don't want to date a trans woman I think asking is perfectly fine and if she she gets offended then she's not the person for you.

If she gets offended then you don’t align in your views and so she’s not right anyway

I would be a bit offended (as a biological woman) if someone asked me, based on my dating profile pics before we'd met, whether I was biologically female.

I would hope that it's obvious from my profile pictures and if someone thought I looked like I might be male, it would be a bit of a blow to my confidence if I'm honest.

There's something a bit cringey about it as well - 'let's not beat around the bush - what's between your legs?' - is not very romantic.

It's perfectly reasonable to only want to date someone that's biologically one sex or the other, but yes I do think that asking before meeting could cause some unnecessary offence/ upset.

If you meet and the person seems a bit androgynous then I think it's OK to ask at that point, but I'd meet first.

You wouldn't know if you had seen any that weren't obviously trans.

Well no, but I’ve never seen anyone who wasn’t obviously trans or obviously the sex they were born as. There’s been no, ‘hmm, not sure about that one.’ It is very obvious for nearly absolutely everyone. You need a lot of work and an extremely skilled surgeon for a male to genuinely present as female. Very, very few people have that.

I would be a bit ‘WTAF’ is someone asked me after seeing my photos or hearing me speak. I’m blindingly obviously female. I’d think they were a bit thick or taking the piss.

I think some young transmen pass quite easily after hormones. But not many TW.

Of course it's fine to ask them!

Thank you all for replying. It is a genuine post I promise. I met with a woman on a video call about turned out to be trans, and it was really awkward when I said that I wasn't interested in pursuing the connection. I would have preferred to know beforehand, but I couldn't tell from the pictures. Sorry if that is a dripfeed.
I think you're right that if she is offended she's probably not for me- I wouldn't assume someone thought I looked like a man if they asked me that!

Not true for me- I couldn't tell from the pictures of one woman I was chatting to, and only realised when we met for a video call - it was really awkward 🤦🏻‍♀️

Well yeah, but – the ones who are clearly TW

I think it's a reasonable question where dating is concerned. It wouldn't bother me if someone asked.