Can someone help?

[WalterHWhite]

I have posted on the lgbt parents topic and posters have kindly answered me but this was a few days ago. One poster suggested that I posted here. My DS has told me that he feels he's in the wrong body. I just cannot get my head around that I am just supposed to accept this?

Shouldn't I be getting him some help for gender dysphoria rather than an acceptance that he's right and I must change my mindset? At the moment, there is no way on earth that I will be calling him she as he's not.

It's all well and good people saying that I must listen and go along with whatever he says but I can't. Maybe I can't love unconditionally, maybe I am wrong but I feel as if I'm being shamed and being made to believe something that I just don't. As if I'm the one who's not being realistic here.

Can anyone help me here? Thanks

I would suggest Bayswater

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

What age is he?

Thanks. Wonder if they have a helpline. It might sound dramatic but \i honestly don't think I can cope with this.

He's a very young 18 nearly 19. He's autistic (well diagnosed Adhd) and adopted. I'm only mentioning that as I can't help feel there's some trauma going on.

Have they signposted contacting Genspect? They also have heaps of content freely available that might help you.

https://genspect.org/

Also SEGM could be worth reading for more general knowledge.

https://segm.org/

Sex Matters has some content too.

https://sex-matters.org/resources/resources-for-parents/

Thank you. I'll have a look. The irony (?) is that after many years of political apathy, I have been lurking on these boards (you are a mine of information btw), donated to Sex Matters and this is what started the conversation - when my mug and stickers came. He saw anti trans, I see pro women.

I am just so angry at this ideology. At young people being ruined by this. I honestly don't think I can do it. I said on the other thread that I wonder what the stats are on parents topping themselves never mind the stats they say they have on the young people? I don't feel strong enough for this at all. I was even starting to think that I would go to a Let Women Speak event.

I am so angry.

OP I'm so sorry.

As well as the great links posted above can I suggest you seek support for yourself? Look for an absence of pronouns, is my advice.

You need your oxygen mask first, as the saying goes.

Also - unconditional love doesn't mean we always agree or never get angry or fall out.

I've not read it myself, but the book "when kids say they're trans (a guide for thoughtful parents)" might be of help to you? It was recently reviewed in the times

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/the-t-in-lgbt-by-jamie-raines-when-kids-say-they-re-trans-by-sasha-ayad-lisa-marchiano-and-stella-o-malley-review-86235bs55

www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4897931-sarah-ditum-reviews-of-two-new-books-about-gender-distressed-children

I have a growing number of close friends who are dealing with this. Although, they are further along the path. Notably, not one of them have chosen a medical route. They all have taken a watchful waiting approach and provide their child with therapy for underlying issues first. Because all those cases have underlying mental health issues.

The strain is huge. I am with Arabella and others, you need to get help for you as well.

Thank you for understanding. It feels sometimes as if other parents are almost celebrating this somehow. Start calling him she. No. He is not a she.

What did you mean by 'look for an absence of pronouns?'

I'm so sorry. Look at Transgender Trend website. IMHO one should never celebrate gender dysphoria, would counselling be a possibility for your son, OP?

I think look for lack of pronouns, although happy to be corrected, means don't seek help from anyone who lists their pronouns publicly (he/they) (they/them) etc

I am going to try and get him to see a therapist. Hard at his age and when I suggested it he said - you mean conversion therapy. He just wants to merrily go on his way in a dress and make up from what he's said. He knows how hard it will be so 'surely you can see how serious I am.' He is so awkward socially. This will not help I'm sure.

I'll have a look at that book. Thanks

Thanks Cats. Pronouns can fuck off too. I cannot believe this shit is so close to me.

I'm very sorry that you are having to go through this too. Parents are in an impossible position, and it's really hard to navigate. I started off by trying to understand and accommodate my son's feelings and wishes, but I have been unable to go along with the demands of an ideology that makes no sense to me. I am very afraid of what my son may end up doing to his body in an attempt to make his body fit his feelings.

Our relationship is now very strained. My wife is doing better than me at keeping in touch but even that is at a rather superficial level. Trying to debate rationally has been a failure as far as I can tell, though I cling to the hope that he will think about things we have said and his rational type thinking might kick in.

Bayswater is a fairly new organisation, about 3 years old I think, and is mostly mutual support for parents in similar situations. Members have a lot of knowledge and experience, and someone may be able to help you find a suitable therapist, which can be difficult.

I love my son unconditionally, but, like you I think, I am not prepared to lie constantly to him, and I am now in the position that I will risk estrangement rather then compromise my own integrity and keep a relationship based on pretence. This is devastating. You will obviously have to find your own way forward. I recommend trying to relate as normally as possible, keeping off the subject of transgender most of the time, but maybe occasionally asking awkward questions. I haven't managed to follow my own advice though.

I can't remember, does the Adoption Support Fund take cases when the adoptee is already over 18? If they do that could be a way to fund some therapy. However I would be wary as you maybe wouldn't have control over choosing the therapist and you would have social workers involved too who my have an agenda.

Thank you Transparent2. It's helpful to know that I'm not some sort of monster for not being able to accept this. I do care about him but at the moment (whether that changes or not in the future, I don't know), I would go down the estrangement route rather than buy into this lie.

He did ask me if I was going to kick him out - they all say the same bloody things don't they? - said no and thought, but I might have to go somewhere else though. His dad and I don't live together but neither of us has a partner. This is going to go down like a sack of spuds I'm sure. Oh hell, I can't do this. It's good to talk though

@Transparent2 I am so sorry and I am sure you will be a great support to the OP.

@WalterHWhite does your child wish to have surgery? Is he same sex attracted, as if so Mr Menno has some great stuff about why being gay doesn't mean needing to change gender. (Gender being a word I am not keen on as all it actually means is stereotype/personality). Could you calmly ask him why wanting to wear a dress means he is a woman and ask him to explain why men can't wear dresses?

I'm not sure about the Adoption Support Fund. Adoption support was non existent when I looked a few years ago. I couldn't even contact anybody to tell them about a change of address for letter box contact.

Oh that's a shame. Our local adoption support has been very good when my DD had a MH collapse in Covid, and the therapy they have funded has been very good. (Also haven't had issues with letterbox at all in over 15 years). It is so patchy.

What he says Cats is that he hates his body and has hated it for many years. He's had years of indoctrination on the internet and I feel bad that I didn't monitor it more closely. I was too busy sorting out autism assessments and getting him to sit exams. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. At least he has a qualification now.

He seems a bit vague when I asked him how he was hoping this transition would go. I asked him if he would not take hormones for a while - I'm stalling really. It seems that he would be happy in a dress and makeup and for all of us to accept him. I even feel annoyed that I was involved in him growing out his hair, buying expensive shampoo when he said - well what do you think the hair was all about? I just thought he liked long hair. I feel so un adult at the moment. It's good to be able to be honest. I know people say it's not all about me but I am me and I don't want this. In my angry moments I think, you might want to ruin your life but you're not taking me with you. My mental health has been crap for years and I gave up drinking because I thought I owed it to my children to be more healthy. This is what I get in return.

He did mention surgery and I was so surprised but didn't want to belittle what he was saying. I said a little bit about complications etc. He seems to think you can just change sex. I said that wasn't possible. I just feel so unqualified for this.

I must be a horrible person because I'm so bitter. I feel as if I'm facilitating it. He gets to sit in his room, chatting shit probably while I have just had to go back to work at the grand old age of 62 to keep our home going.

If I was on my own I could downsize or manage on what I have. I really don't think this train of thought is healthy but I don't know what to do.

Also I gave him my room a few year ago. It was lockdown, trying to do gcse's etc. It seemed mean not to. So he's in a lovely double room with that bloody computer and me and the dog are in a single bed. I am so bloody angry.

It does seem that gender dysphoria disproportionately affects children with ASD. OP, take a breath. He's 18, leave the house and go and do something for you, even if that's taking the dog for a long walk. Think things through, we are here for you. Have a look for some sensible gender critical stuff online, Kathleen Stock youtubes are very measured and intelligent as a starting point

I am so, so sorry you're facing this OP. It must feel like you are totally losing the plot- but you are not.
It's the world as it currently is that off kilter- not you.
The way you are feeling is a sane response to an insane situation.
And you are most definitely not alone- although that must be small comfort when on a practical, geographic level you might well be.
I've linked the Genspect page with resources and networks for parents in the same situation as you.
PPs have also linked other useful resources for support.

I would think the first port of call would be to connect with other parents (eg through genspect or bayswater- and on here- but in person would be most helpful if possible I think) to help you feel less alone in a sea of chaos.

A support group could also recommend therapists from experience- rather than tackling that research on your own when your resources will already be feeling low.

You will be able to think about next steps if you are able to feel more anchored and supported yourself. The oxygen mask as pp said.

https://genspect.org/support/support-for-parents-and-relatives/