Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 6.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason.

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass

If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here:

Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

I don’t think I’ve got very much to add over and above what previous posters have said, but what a horrible situation to be in. Your Dad is using your mother’s incapacity as an opportunity to escalate his fetish.

Thank you @TinselAngel @Tygadlas

I still don't know what to think, I'm still and will remain in shock for a while yet. I need to get into the right head space and I feel a long way off from that. 😔

Very sorry to hear this. Stressful, shocking and complicated by his caring role.
I agree your priority needs to be ensuring he is able to properly care for your mother given he is probably spending his spare time doing this.
I think it would be worth having a frank conversation with the social worker. If you are on friendly terms with the carers you could ask them if they've noticed any changes in his behaviour.
It's very hard for you as in the background you are having to navigate this discovery about your Dad. I hope you have good friends or other family you can talk to .

Related thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5344625-trans-widows-support-in-the-uk?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

My son who I’ve written about before, is now seeing someone. Another bloke, who thinks he’s a woman. It’s a new relationship yet he’s already insisted his kids meet the bloke who thinks he’s a woman. I’ve told him I think it’s too soon. He wants us to meet him as well. When I said no, he moaned to his wife, who told me but who doesn’t really have any fucks left to give. After two years of trying to get my head round my son thinking he’s a woman, I honestly don’t think I’m ever going to be ready to meet his new boyfriend, who also thinks he’s a woman.

My head is fucked.

So he is in an open marriage and has a new partner who is a trans identified man as well?
I'm really sorry. That would be so hard to cope with.

How long have they been together. I mean your son with the new person.

He moved out of the family home but they co-parent. The new relationship is just a few weeks.

He just doesn’t seem to get how difficult this is, not just for me but all of us. The stupid thing is, he acts exactly like a man, whilst dressing in pink and wearing makeup.

Groutyonehereagain
I remember you posting two of ears ago when I was. I seem to recall your grandchildren were three under five years olds.
These trans people can expect all they want. There is no reason for anyone to go along with them, normalise all this. Two men posing as women is a new one on me. Often they choose an opposite sex acting partner, although I do know two who transitioned to women, then got a Civil Partnership!
Do not get involved with anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. You owe nothing to anyone.

Thank you @Tygadlas x

They are very mentally disorganized. Honestly I think the estrogen and testosterone blockers has a massive effect on their ability to think clearly.

Can you set a boundary with him and just say you don't need to meet everyone he is involved with and that maybe if they are still together in 3 months you will meet them at that time.

I’ll be honest, I struggle with spending time with him. I do it so I can see my beautiful grandchildren. He uses them to control me to some extent. I don’t expect I will ever want to spend time with two men pretending to be women but I might have to. 😥

I can imagine its very difficult. I'm really glad that I didn't have children with my trans ex and I don't have to see him anymore.

It must be hard for the children. I really don't know why anyone would introduce their children to someone they met a few weeks ago.

Sometimes I do think my ex is actually a very gay man who was non gender conforming as a child. He just had a strict Catholic conservative very sheltered upbringing in the middle of nowhere. I think he got it in his head that being gay means God hates you and that he was failing as a "real man" so it all got squished down into a cross dressing fetish.

I'm actually surprised he didn't end up with a man or a transwoman. He showed so many signs of preferring men.

Do you think your DIL might be willing to assist with this?

My poor DIL has more than enough on her plate. They currently don’t live close but I’ve gently suggested it would be lovely if they lived closer, so we can support her. She isn’t opposed to the idea but as I said she has more than enough on her plate. Poor woman, what’s happened to her and the children is desperately sad.

I have been there. My heart goes out to her.

Most often we post because we are reacting to something. But we do have a choice to be proactive. Not to antagonise but to do something that suits us!
So Groutyonehereagain, you could plan a visit to your distant DIL and grandchildren a) to show your son he is not the only conduit for visits b) to show DIL your support and see your grandchildren in less stressed and more normal circumstances c) to feel you have more agency in all this without your son jangling your nerves. Get the idea?

I don't know where to post this. I'm a TW, my divorce was in 2016. We didn't have any kids together and I never see him or talk to him. I'm in the US.

I'm reading things about the current legal state of affairs with trans issues in the UK. Is there anyone who can kindly explain like I'm five what the laws are around the ability to get an annulment when your spouse comes out and also what this recent UK Supreme Court decision means for trans widows in the UK?

I'm going through a sickness right now that causes brain fog and constant pain and I'm just wondering if anyone can put it simply. I'm really wondering if these things might ever be a possibility for the US.

One other question. In the US if you get an anullment for this you have to show that your spouse knew they were trans and lied about it when you got married. Is that the case there?

You also have to refile your taxes for the last three years of your marriage as filing single which can mean in the US that you usually would end up owing money as married couples get a lot of tax advantages here. Is it like that there?

I'm also wondering socially how you frame it. If this was your first and only marriage do you tell people you were never married or that you just lived with someone or that you had a domestic partnership? If anyone has done this, what do you do? I don't know what I would do but I think I would feel better having one divorce and one Annulment than two divorces for some reason.

Oh also in the US if you get an Annulment it means you don't get any of the legal protectiobs of joint assets or alimony. Is that what its like there?

Well if anyone feels like helping out a Yank I'd appreciate it. You can ask me questions or PM me if you want more details about my situation to show I'm not a troll or a looky loo. Thanks in advance.

https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/spousal-exit-clause

• Thanks. This part:
• "you did not properly consent to the marriage - for example you were forced into it"

I really wish that the US would recognize this and acknowledge that we didn't legally consent to be in a lesbian marriage. Gay marriage wasn't even legal when I got married so I don't get how I was even married if he can go change his birth certificate to female. How was I married?

It doesn’t mean it like that it means forced as in coerced, or I guess deceived, but somebody developing gender feelings wouldn’t count.

The usual grounds for annulment is that the recognition of a heterosexual marriage was not met. This is corroborated if the spouse subsequently identifies as the same gender or more helpfully transitions.
I have never heard of financial ramifications. Presumably you separate your property possibly taking in to account what you owned pre marriage. I would not expect the same considerations as in a divorce. Annulment really is social more than a divorce type framework.

Firstly, a very warm welcome to the group that none of us ever wanted to be in. So unfortunately I'm getting an error message for the website at the moment although I have used it in the past. I will be forever grateful for finding this group and these resources back in Jan 2023 which played a large part in giving my head a shake.

My understanding is that the spousal exit clause is primarily aimed at those for whom religious observance would place them in a contradictory position via a marriage of this nature with their religious beliefs (although very happy to be corrected and as mentioned I haven't checked the wording, but I remember thinking this did not apply to my circumstances under the eyes of the law).

The thing that was my true epiphany was looking into the GRC which I believe (again happy to be corrected) indicated that were my spouse to pursue it would mean that as part of concluding the process I would need to sign something legal to indicate my consent to changing to be married to the female named version of my spouse and therefore be registered in a same sex marriage.

Clearly I have no opposition to the principle of this should others be content to pursue it but it was the moment for me that said.. this is absolute insanity and to sign that piece of paper would undermine me entirely. This was after years of keeping his ever more significant secret and the death of our relationship by a thousand tiny cuts leading up to him coming out fully eventually. Six months later I found this community.

In terms of how I would describe it to people I would say that under the circumstances you should do it however you feel works best for you. Here annulments are far more rare than divorce and so for me if I had been able to do that and wanted to do it, saying I had an annulment would raise more questions than a divorce to people who didn't know my circumstances. I do totally get your sentiment though, the marriage was under false pretences from the start whilst people can feel like a divorce marks more of a personal failure. You haven't failed. You've survived. But you should do what works for you as having to explain this stuff when it comes up and living with everyone in my social circle and local community knowing about it is like a weight on my back 24/7 to be honest.

This is not accurate in the UK. See my link for an explanation of the law

Hello. I am.a newbie to mumsnet and latest woman having her husband come out as trans! Here to have some emotional support from this recent ish discovery and dealing with the mountain of uncertainty.