Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 6.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason.

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass

If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here:

Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

Oh nice, one mention as an aside near the end of that long piece about how the father actually was cruel and neglectful.

Premiere of Trans Widows Film on Friday 30th Aug www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/5151159-premiere-of-trans-widows-film-on-friday-30th-aug

I was watching this and I thoughr 'Skinwalkers'. I think the Navajo might object to the use of the word outside their use, but something like it needs to be used of the grotesque lengths some of them (unmen, not Navajo) go to. Beyond abuse.

Good morning all, I'm not sure if this is the place for me or not as this is ancient history now.

A huge part of my leaving my husband was his cross dressing. And because it was 20 years ago, it WAS cross dressing and acknowledged as a fetish. But what has lived with me is how it made me feel so shit and until recently I didn't understand why. I now realise it was pure misogyny. After belittling me in every aspect of life, he then had to do "woman" better than me as well.

I'll sorry for dumping that. Seeing the link to the film trailer inspired me to post.

I absolutely think @FormerEscapee that my 50 year old brother is, like your ex, cross dressing. It's a relatively recent fetish.

My mum and I have known him a long time and seeing him morph into his ex-long term girlfriend has been 'interesting'.

He's now working on being number 1 daughter, having already got himself the number 1 son medal.

Looking forward to the film tonight but anticapting being an emotional wreck afterwards.

Just finished watching Vaishnavi’s film. Excellent from all of you transwidows. The TRAs are going to HATE it. Stay safe.

A sincere thank you @TinselAngel and anyone else on here who contributed to the film.

An update from me, it has been a long time since I last wrote here.

And thank you for the update on Behind the looking glass! It was very good!

I told my husband I wanted a divorce last September, one of the reasons was his cross dressing. He assured me that it was nothing he needed to do and tried to reason why he even began in the first place. He stoped shaving his legs, tried to make improvements in our marriage. But it still didn’t work out and I have now filed for divorce.

Still, even if he said that he didn’t need to cross dress, that ir was just a fase, he didn’t throw away his make up or his female clothes even if he said he would do that. I stashed away his make up just to see if he would say something when he noticed they were gone. He didn’t. I still have a feeling of anxiaty when the bedroom door gets locked (now I do it myself to keep our cats out from the bedroom, one of them knows how to open doors), after a long time when we slept behind locked doors so he could sleep in his night dress. The whole cross dressing is a theme we haven’t discussed, it still makes me uncomfortable and I know he will try to assure me that he won’t do that again. And I don’t belive him.

Still I have the feeling of shame and I haven’t told anyone but one friend of this aspect of our divorce. We’ll see what he does with his female clothes and sex toys when we move out. But even if he would correct all other things that went wrong in our marriage, this cross dressing has hurt me so much that I can’t ever be with him.

Now we are putting the house up for sale and then we are moving apart. I’m so tired but keep on going so this episode of my life will end and I can start a new chapter.

I send much strength to you all!

You have nothing to be ashamed of and well done for making plans to leave

Thank goodness that it soon won't be your problem how he progresses.

Hi. New to the app, not new to being in a mixed relationship. I am grieving, angry, confused. I feel so humiliated as I look back and see the cycle of emotional and psychological torment I have endured, believing it was normal.

I do not know what to do or where to turn.
Is anyone here from South Carolina?

Hi. New to the app, not new to being in a mixed relationship. I am grieving, angry, confused. I feel so humiliated as I look back and see the cycle of emotional and psychological torment I have endured, believing it was normal.

I do not know what to do or where to turn.
Is anyone here from South Carolina?

@wheredoallthepurplepeoplego I'm not sure* *what you mean by a mixed relationship?

It might help you to read through this and previous threads. The trans widows film is very enlightening and may help you feel less alone. Trans widows website is here www.transwidowsvoices.org I'm sorry you've experienced abuse in this way.

@Janie143 I just mean a spouse who is transitioning. They came out around 2020

Thank you so much. I will check it out

Hello everyone. I've just found these threads, not read them all but I'm hoping someone can help me. I'm a regular MN user but have NC for this. I'm not a transwidow but...

I'm discovering that my dad is starting to x dress. He is early 80s, mum is late 70s and she had a medical episode 3 years ago that left her disabled. She is wheelchair/bed bound at home with dad being her carer along with visits from social services carers. All seemed normal until about 18 months ago, I came across porn dvds in his bedroom when I was looking for some clothes for mum in their joint wardrobe. I also found 6" fuck-me shoes. Knowing he watched porn was vomit inducing but when I actually pulled the dvds from the bag they were trans porn I.e. fully intact males with boobs. I couldn't believe my eyes, felt sick and tried to forget about it.

So about a year later (last oct) dad fell ill and ended up in hospital and I had to care for mum whilst SS sorted respite care home. Whilst cleaning their home, I came across, more fuck me shoes, fake stick on breasts, makeup and fake eye lashes, razors (I saw he'd shaved his legs when he was getting put into ambulance), womens wigs and more porn.

This last week he's started to wear his fake boobs under his clothes, I can see them so surely other people can. I've also seen remnants of mascara on his eyes where he's not removed it properly and nail polish that he's not taken off properly.

I'm utterly floored by this discovery. On the one hand it's none of my business and he's a grown man who can choose to do what he wants within his 4 walls...but...this is my DAD!! does this all mean he is feeling he can be who he truly wants to be? That he never really wanted a heterosexual relationship with a woman, that he only had us kids to please our mum, that he never wanted us, that his married life is a lie?!

Mum hasn't noticed. She has developed dementia and she is vacant most of the time so I'm sure she doesn't know as they have separate rooms due to her needing hospital bed and hoist etc. I cannot speak with her. There was only 2 children, me and my sibling and they've gone NC since mum's illness so I can't speak to them.

I don't know where to turn. Do I ask dad about his fetishism? I wish I never had to see him again but I can't go NC, mums already lost one of us, I can't do that to her but I just don't know what the hell to do. How...just how do I get my head round this? Can anyone offer any advice please?
Thank you if you read this far...any advice, I would really appreciate.

@Inshock55 I didn’t want to read and run so no real advice but a massive hug coming your way.

I am a bit concerned about other behaviour he might be exhibiting. Gently, might it be of value to put a hidden camera in your mums room? The selfishness of men doing this is well documented so I would want to be sure that sufficient, appropriate care of your mum is continuing.

For now, keep your focus on your mum. But keep a weather eye out for your dad because reduced inhibitions can be a sign that all is not well with him, either. If he would agree to a camera at the front door, you could discreetly monitor him that way.

If he has always been a good dad to you, then keep focusing on that.

@Inshock55 So sorry to hear this . It must be a terrible shock. Men who dress as women are often heterosexual so I wouldn't dwell on whether his life with your mother was a lie. It's possible he's always had this fetish but it's also possible it's developed due to watching porn. Like @TheSandgroper I'd be concerned he might not be focusing on your mother's best interests. Could she be moved to a care home? You could talk to social services to see if there's a way forward. I have no idea if it would be any use talking to your Dad about it directly I'm afraid. Men with a fetish find it very difficult to stop.

@Lovelyview @TheSandgroper
Thank you both for replying. He would say we had a great relationship but I dislike him a lot. He was a bully, always shouting and bawling at us, sulk for days/weeks on end and not speak to any of us whilst i was growing up. I have no happy memories as a child, they're all tainted by his volatile temper. My nerves were and still are in shreds. But I put a face on because I want to see mum. But then I'm mad at her for putting up with his awful behaviour for years; she should have left him.

I already sorted a ring doorbell so can see comings/goings...I am worried the fetishism will step up a gear and he'll invite randoms round but then wonder if I'm letting my imagination run wild. But then I would never ever have dreamt this could have happened in the first place. He was always an aggressive 'man's man' and has always scoffed and sneered at people on the news and TV who are trans or gay.

Do I tell my kids? 23 and 20...or just let them find out themselves as I'm sure his behaviour will become even more daring as time goes on.

I doubt I'd be able to get a camera in her room because of the plug socket situation, he knows what's plugged in etc and when plugs are moved...but it's something to think about.

I did think maybe a call to her social worker because of a safe guarding issue but on the surface, his care for her appears exemplary.

I just hate him and dread seeing him. But thank you both for your replies. 😊

I'm not an expert but I would say it's a safeguarding issue. Her social worker might be helpful. Be warned, men with cross dressing fetishes have been elevated by the Trans movement. How people around you respond to the situation -, including your social worker - may depend on how much they believe that men can become women. I do think her social worker should be the person to discuss this with and hopefully they will be completely supportive of you and your Mum. I just want you to be aware that some people's judgement has been warped by this which could cause them to downplay your concerns. Hidden cameras don't need plugs but in your situation I'd be concerned about putting a hidden camera in someone elses house. You could find yourself without access to your Mum at all.

There are cameras that run on batteries and sd card so no wifi.

spy camera sd card uk Just google this.

Thank you @TheSandgroper for the recommendation. I will consider it but as @Lovelyview mentions, if he were to find out I'd added a camera without telling him, I probably wouldn't ever see Mum again. I've thought I could say that it's a peace of mind thing because she has various carer's every day - the problem with that is that we all get on very well with all her carers...there is about 8 of them on regular rotation and we have good relationships with them so I think Dad would think I was mad to have a camera for this reason. I'll have to think about it and if I do do it, it'll have to be a total secret from them both. Urgh, what an awful thing to be doing.

Likewise, I'll think about speaking to her social worker. I just feel sick at the thought of saying those words to her. I just feel so humiliated, embarrassed, ashamed...

thank you both. x

@Inshock55is it possible your dad could have dementia developing?
Some types of dementia can cause uninhibited and over sexualised behaviour. Just a thought, especially if the frontal lobe of the brain is affected.

I have heard of this before and did a bit of googling but didn't find much information so did wonder if I'd dreamt it!

It's a possibility; his memory is not what it used to be but it's general stuff, like a name of someone he worked with 30 years ago kind of thing. But a couple of years ago, he would have remembered that.

My dad has frontal lobe atrophy. He told me about the diagnosis and said the consultant said to him that it may cause inappropriate behaviour. I remember him saying that the consultant told him, 'If you find yourself walking down the road with your underpants on your head, that will be the frontal lobe atrophy'. Thankfully that didn't happen but he did lose some of his previously customary politeness.

@Inshock55 Transgender is a shock in any circumstance. You are not overreacting. The Social Workers have heard and seen it all before. They are pretty unshockable. One of the worst situations I found myself in years ago at a function was a man describing how his wheelchair bound wife could not object to his crossdressing etc because she was dependent on him and had no entitlement to an opinion...
This is a safeguarding issue. Please speak to the Social Worker but try not to do it from what you think. If you do that you will be offered 'education'. In your current state you do not need that. The things you see you may not like but they are pretty average for most crossdressers.I doubt your Dad will go outside the home.
There are some odd features you report. The porn is one. Most crossdressers just, well, dress. The shoes? He may just like to own them. They are great collectors.
As for your children, you may well find them a strength. Young people have different attitudes but may well feel able to support you. You are trying to negotiate whole social concept. It will take time. For other users I was Allsteamedup. Now I have been given a new name!