Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 6.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason.

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass

If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here:

Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

@TinselAngel please could you post the link again. I am from UK and would like to know what the law and if there is anything in divorce that would help it make easy for me to seperate.

https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/spousal-exit-clause

Basically not unless he’s at the point of applying for a Gender Recognition Certificate.

As well as other women’s stories we also have some useful advice on our website:
https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/our-voices/categories/useful-help-articles

Hi @TheAngryLioness how are you doing? Silly q apologies but how can we help - do vent! X

Hey thank you for asking. I m just lost and kind of still grappling with the reality that it is actually happening. I found out in January just after new years and he said he will be a man and will not go any further and come April, say he wants to go through hrt. Enrolled himself on the gender affirming care, told me he has a new name and now we have decided to seperate. He says i dont love him completely and accept for what he is and I am a transphobe so wouldnt stay with him. I mean all was ok until new year and with this declarations suddenly he wants me to accept all this. No time given even to sink all this in. :( sorry moan over xx

The link doesn't work :(

Go to the website and under “our voices” there’s a “practical advice” section

I'm afraid @TheAngryLioness the escalation you mention and the accusations of not being accepting seem very common in our situation. It really is such a difficult thing for us to process but seemingly as they have been 'struggling with their own journey' none of our possible difficulties seem to get a look in. Has he 'come out' wider than to just you? Have you looked into/are you aware of autogynephelia?

In our film I talk about how we’re criticised for “not loving the real them” when it’s hardly our fault that they got us to fall I love with a different version of themselves.

No he hasn't come out. Just close family and and his other trans friends know about it.

Link to film.

The film is so moving and raw. It's exceptionally brave (a word heavily overused by the trans lobby) as are transwidows and their children.
Lioness there is often a timing issue too. This has been a recent bombshell for you, but for him it will be progress on a very long-term Project Me. My ex was coldly unsympathetic to my distress and that of his children, partly because he was a self-absorbed person prior to this, but also because he had planned, networked and led a secret life for years before. It's the worst thing that happened in my life, but many here will testify that there is peace down the road for you.

I feel guilty for not supporting him and want so much for things to go back like they were. Its moved so quickly its unbelievable. From coming out (finding out!) to he wanting to put makeup on and long hair with long nails etc. He is a clever person and has never shown any kind of such fetish behaviour in our relationship ever. So I am stumpped at all this. He is going through lot of guilt and shame but at the same time cannot stop himself to dress and present himself as a woman going forward. I can see our breakdown of relationship is troubling him immensely too and not something he wants either. So just torn between all this 💔 😞 😪

They create an entirely false version of themselves to get us to love them. That's what narcs do. I so agree with this.

And a lot of people say they are the same person after transition. But then say that taking female hormones changes the way they think and feel. So which is it?

One of my friends ex wrote on his X feed that he used to tell everyone that he was going to be the same person after transition but that he lied and he feels like a totally different person. He put up laughing emojis and had a bunch of his TIM friends commenting on how true and hilarious all of it is.

As for my ex, he was taking low doses of estrogen and T blockers behind my back. I didn't realize until 3 years after our divorce. We were in therapy and I was talking about how his libido had tanked and how he had all the signs of low testosterone and that I was worried for his health.

Our therapist suggested he get his Testosterone tested and his immediate response was "I don't want it to change my personality." We were both confused and asked what he was talking about and he said "testosterone replacement".

He also made several comments about that when we went to get the results of his test (I went with him because I knew he was being weird about it and I couldn't figure out what was going on.) When she told him, a 36 year old man, that he had the testosterone level of an 80 year old, he wasn't worried or surprised. He didn't ask what was wrong with him. All he said was "I don't want it to change my personal ity."

So clearly he thought these low doses of estrogen and testosterone blockers were changing his personality in some way. He kept the levels low enough that he still produced sem3n and he had minor breast development that looked like small moobs from being a bit over weight.

They know this changes them. That's why they do it.

You honestly have nothing to feel guilty about. It’s absolutely fine to put yourself first.

Dear Angry Lioness, I want to congratulate you on finding us and deciding after six months that separation is best for you.
Would you read some advice? Do not be tempted to take any responsibility for where your husband is now. He is well supported by a website showing him his every move and what to say to you should you pass any comment deemed negative by his community. He is also urged to separate from anyone not fully supporting him.
I was shocked by my partner's teenage legs! By the time I caught up he was two years in on hormones.
Why should you turn yourself inside out to 'understand'? You may remain friendly but you have a life as a straight woman. Do you share children?

Thank you for your kind words xx I am sorry you had to go through this too and to find out that he was taking hormones!! I cannot see him in any feminine way so i doubt we will ever remain friends. I will have to be civil to him for my children. I lived my life in Mills and Boons world as a teenager and always wanted a man in my life 💔 We have 2 beautifiul children. They dont know yet but he says the children will be fine knowing that he is trans and it wouldnt affect them. I am dreading for their mental health as it is going to be a double heartache for them knowing that we are seperating and their Dad doesn't feel like Dad anymore. Its all so weird and confusing for a child I think. 😕 Really I am weeping as I type and not ready for this change. 😪😪

I'm so sorry. Just wanted to come here and say that. I believe you'll find light at the end of the tunnel, but going through it sounds tough. Best of luck to you! You're far better off w/out him in the long run. I'm sorry for your children, too.

@MykindLimeCrow I am.so sorry to read your experience. I dont understand what goes on in theory head that they think it will give them.more happiness than being with their lively family and home they have built. Does this Dysphoria so bad that you cannot make a rational decision? He said that trans are so marginalised why would he choose to embrace it. Says he can't help it and it is killing him not to be expressing himself as a woman 🤷‍♀️

Hope you are ok xxx

I have no idea. It seems like an addiction in the way they live it out. Risking everything for a fetish is bizarre. I do believe that it becomes a part of their identity and that they want everyone to know that they too are part of an oppressed group.

Also almost all of these late lifers think that they are ugly men. Hardly any of them are. But men hardly ever get sexual attention. Its absolutely nothing compared to the attention that a man in a dress gets from other TIMs and men who like them and want a man with breasts and a penis.

The most searched for thing in porn is a man with a penis and breasts. The amount of attention they can get in gay bars and online just feeds their ego and the fetish. My ex got so much attention in gay bars. He was treated like a celebrity sometimes and people wanted to take their photo with him.

The other thing is if you look around there are almost no married father late lifers who aren't white. I think they want to be a part of the special group and get attention and be relevant. A white man who is middle aged is pretty boring.

Its a way for them to divorce themselves from white male privilege and say they aren't part of the oppressing group, they are the world's most victimized group of people who ever existed. Even though the majority of them act with male entitlement, and expect to be catered to and to have their wife turn herself into a lesbian just for him.

I'm not saying trans people aren't oppressed but I think the AGP types, the white middle aged husbands and fathers are an entirely different group. And they are oppressed but I think in a way that's part of the appeal.

Are you in therapy for yourself? I recommend it.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. People just have no idea the level of betrayal this is. There is so much shame and grief. Almost every woman I know in this situation thought about unaliving herself or attempted. And that's why I wanted to recommend therapy and getting as much support as you can.

Do you have family and friends you can rely on?

Kids are unpredictable. Some are just fine with the change and some are upset by it. Some turn out to be lgbtq themselves so that adds another layer of complexity to all of it.

Thanks for posting. What you say definitely resonates with my experience as a mother of a white, middle aged, transwoman.

It’s incredibly invalidating to call trans widows narcissists or attention seekers. That kind of comment is an attempt to silence women whose stories challenge your comfort.

The term trans widow exists because we need a way to find each other. What many of us went through involved deception, sexual boundary violations, and the loss of a shared reality, which is not just a breakup, but a deep psychological rupture. When you’ve been gaslit in your own home and told your trauma isn’t real, finding language for it is survival.

If our truth bothers you so much, it’s worth asking why. What is it about our pain that feels threatening to you? No one’s forcing you to be here, but trying to shut people up in a space designed for healing says a lot more about you than it does about us.

We’re not here to make others comfortable. We’re here to speak the truth and reclaim our voices. That’s not narcissism, it’s recovery.