Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 6.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason.

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass

If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here:

Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

For some women yes. I think, these days why would they not escalate if it means they can join the ranks of the stunning and brave

There's plenty for you to read so you can make your mind up as to how it's likely to go. Read the 20 odd women's testimonies on our website and then there's 5 previous threads here to look at.

Even if it doesn't go as far as transition, it always, always escalates.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this position but you're not alone.

PS I love your user name @Uncomfortablybum

The other thread has made me realise, 20 odd years on, that when my ex said to me near the start of our relationship that I was the only person (bar one female friend) that he'd ever told that he was a "transvestite", that he was probably lying.

It does my head in that I'm still recognising new lies after all this time.

Other thread:

Partner wearing women's clothes www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5028506-partner-wearing-womens-clothes

Thank you, I really appreciate your advice and support.

Come back any time.

Pressed send too soon, I was also going to say that when I was in a similar situation to you (although my ex never brought it into the bedroom with me), there were no resources that weren't basically Beaumont Society propaganda.

This is no longer the case. Many women have told their stories- see also the resources section on the Trans Widows Voices website.

Hi Uncomfortably. Most women would share your alarm bells. I hope you can assert what you do and don't want in the bedroom, as with any other behaviour. Some people will tell you this is a fetish confined to sex, but our experience is to be cautious and identify how YOU feel about that. I hope you have the kind of relationship where you can set clear boundaries about what you are prepared to tolerate. And keep an eye on this as, sadly, women here have found that this is often the starting-point for dressing up spreading into more of life. From your post it seems he has just confided this and not gone any further, so it's probably a good point to let him know how you feel as he may be testing the water to see if you'd mind him putting on those clothes?

Hi! I've followed my original reaction to this and I'm running for the hills. I've been accused in the past, of running at the first signs of difficulty...so I did try and take my time and work out my feelings on this, away from any influence from him- essentially I haven't discussed it any further with him.... I dont know what he fully wanted, expected, how he'd feel if I said no, etc... I've just made up my own mind that this is a deal breaker and I cannot continue the relationship. I am meeting up to tell him this tonight. If he says he's happy to push this away, I'm still not interested...as a pp said...the genie is out of the box now and I wouldn't feel comfortable being with someone, knowing they weren't able to express themselves fully with me. Whether this would be a once off (highly unlikely) or the beginning of a complete change...I dont have the time or energy to give to any of it.

I'd be interested to hear how it goes.

Hey everyone... I wanted to give another update about yet another incident.

Child support court has sent a final notice to my ex. He hasn't seen our child in six months. So, unlike last year, he decides to take her for Spring break. Not sure if the UK has spring break but ours here in this state is only a week long.

He says he will pick her up on the 25th three days into his visitation. Friday morning, he changes his mind and says he's already on the road. It's a nineteen hour trip. Yes, you read that right nineteen hour drive. He refuses to fly because he lost his license due to refusing to pay child support to his other child. He has three with three different women. He only exercises visitation with mine.

Anytime he has picked her up it's with a new person and he calls them our child's family. Which, they're obviously not.

He wanted to pick her up at 10 or 11 pm. She's four. I ask him politely to wait until the next day as she might be very confused that late at night and her having a meltdown is not good for an exchange. Again, she just turned four.

He says it's none of his concern and then blames me for him having to wake up at 3am. I say that I will not facilitate exchange at 10pm but he is more than free to pick up in the morning. By that time, if he isn't driving illegally, his driver would need a break anyhow.

Cue rapid fire calls, messages, threats, and police. Yeah, he called the police on me again. Says they will arrest me. I call the police and explain everything. The officer is really nice and bothered by ex's antics and anger. I tell the officer that 7am pick up is much better than 10pm at night. He agrees but has to do the formal, "You know you're going against the final." Speech. It's his job and I tell him I fully understand.

He relays information back to my ex. Ex messages and says that he will go with what the officer said but will still have me arrested sometime soon when he files in court again. Says, this is the last time he will allow me to break the law! Spoiler alert, I haven't ever had a speeding ticket let alone broke any law.

He's shows up in the morning wearing his famous (You can see a bulge) black tight, tights, fake boobs, washed out pink hair and a big sweater. I so want to post pictures of what he thinks "passing," is. He's not transgender, this is a fetish for him. If he had been on hormones his voice would have changed by now and his features. Maybe not in an extreme way but if he was actually on it, it would have been two years now.

I am not allowed to call him to talk to our daughter because, "It interferes with MY time." He's a narcissistic abuser. I hate this. I am so angry and so scared for my child. She's starting to really branch out and become and individual. This means lots of "sassy pants," button pushing and the occasional melt down. I am scared for her because he gets angry so quick and yells a lot. But there's nothing I can do. The great American court system (Yes, I am being sarcastic) believes that any parent is good enough if they claim to want to see their child. Unless you have a ton of money to fight in court. I do not.

Anyhow, here is his way of telling me they made it through two different snow storms and are now in Texas.

Mommy I think most people would be worried about their young child in a similar situation. But your text response was very good, I think. Grey rock all the way.

Agree. You are the stable, child-focussed person in this and as many women here have found, he is just focussed on himself. It must be awful to face this kind of hostility and conflict all the time. If it's any consolation children tend to work out for themselves who is reliable and putting them first as they get older, but you have a long road ahead. I hope.you have friends and family who support you.

Thank you both for your replies. I generally use yellow rock when communicating to him. No reply, is a reply. Of course, he doesn't see this way but... He's an abusive asshat so... Yeah.

He is supposed to drop off our child on Monday but I know he will try to pull something because in his eyes I broke his law and went against him and deserve pay back.

I wish it wasn't a long road. I wish he would just go away. He has two other children he never sees. I know me leaving, rather than him ghosting me is part of it. Still, it's maddening.

I do have some family support and some friend support. I could use a few more friends but I've changed... It used to be easy for me to make friends or have a conversation with a stranger. Now? Not so much.

I have my daughter on a waiting list for therapy. I know all of this confuses her. It always takes her a few weeks to adjust when she gets back. But hearing "I have two mommies. My other Mommy... My Daddy..." It just hurts.

Add into the fact that he is not safe. Drinks. Has a ton of strangers around often. He will say he's polyamourous or something but really he's "Blank, blank" anything with a hole. He calls strangers her family... He is quick to shout and throw a tantrum. And he doesn't allow me to call or contact our child while on "his time."

I'm ranting again. Ugh. Sorry about that. I can't help but feel like I'm going to end up on Dateline or something...

@Mommyisnotsilent I agree that this is heartbreaking.

I’m coming from well outside here but how many people know about this? Have you talked to your doctor? Does your teacher/childcare know? And, whenever he deigns to arrive with your daughter, can you have a friend present to observe? Perhaps organise a playdate for asap after she returns while she is still confused in her speech? Everyone you can think of who is independent and will have your dd’s best interest in mind.

I wish you all the best.

Oh yeah people know. People who were friends with me before and during the relationship. Friends I met during the relationship. My family, and my daughter's pre school.

We do exchanges at the local police station and he has always behaved. I mean he's said some things and made faces at me but he hasn't done anything aggressive. I always have my phone recording. I sewed a little pouch for it and it hangs around my neck.

It's not that people don't believe me. It's the court system. I could go on and on about witnesses, statements, proof, the judge... Point being our court system is terrible. Victims are not believed. In fact, a Judge will either say something like, "But did he abuse the child?" Or never want to touch the subject. Worse is when you are basically punished for speaking out about the abuse.

This is often why tragically many children pass at the hands of their own abusers given visitation from the courts. If you look it up be prepared for your heart to be shattered.

I have plenty of people to vouch for me but it doesn't matter when a Judge will grant custody to a parent even when they don't utilize it. In some states the length of time doesn't matter. A parent could be gone for three, four years then suddenly pop up wanting visitation. Look up re-unification camps, it's bad.

Unfortunately, until my ex decides to go away or the unthinkable happens there is nothing I can do. Maybe, if I had like 200 grand to toss at an attorney and private detective... But even then it all depends on the judge you get. I've seen women with great careers and good income go bankrupt trying to protect their children.

For now, my daughter is on a waiting list to start therapy. He teachers are very nice and aware. They know to write down anything that seems to be different from her normal behavior. Protective parents... We do what we can. Provide as much stability, safety, love, and compassion from our side as we can.

I don't know how it is in the UK. Thank for responding, it really does help.

@Mommyisnotsilent My heart breaks for you and your child, and what you are going through. Please know that you are thought of and heard here.

This is an awful situation for you but you are doing the right thing. Absolute consistency and boundaries and focussing on your child. You can make your time with her central and good, and my experience is that children eventually work out who is reliable and putting their needs first, and who is flakey or unsafe. I kept my mouth shut, totally focussed on making our family life as good as possible, and my kids voted with their feet on their untrustworthy, self-centred and 'creepy' father who did not put them first. I feel for you having to have this conflict in your life as your ex seems entirely focussed on 'winning' and baiting you. You are very much not alone even if it feels like it

Just popping in to say how sorry I am to here that your child must be subjected to that @Mommyisnotsilent. Like @socialworker222 's children, mine have totally rejected their father. The system here is ridiculous and I am grateful that my ex didn't put up a fight over the kids. I still have fear and anxiety that he might one day pursue something

If you need support from the US-side of the pond, please reach out. It sounds like you aren't far off from me.

Hi I’ve just found pictures on my partners phone in his deleted folder a few days back, of him in my fishnet. Tights, posing in a very sexual way. He’s told me he’s not gay, he experimented once almost two decades back with an ex girlfriend and had done it on and off since. He’s insisted it isn’t because he is gay and he is sure he is straight. It just turns him on.

We have a five month old baby, and due to other things (he’s not done anything wrong, I’ve been extremely insecure), we have been arguing the past few months and I have been very mean to him. Saying personal things. He said his confidence is shattered and that’s why he’s started back up. He told me the photos were for him to look at and he deleted them immediately.

We are living together still but I’ve told him to look for a place near by so we can co parent.

Im scared. I’ve no idea what to think. I know he loves me and he said he will stop and now someone has found out about it he doesn’t want to do it anymore as it’s cost him his family.

Just to add - our sex life isn’t of concern, he gets aroused by me very easily and climaxes easily also.

Hi @Needsupportad

"It doesn't mean I'm gay" is what cross dressing men have been telling us since at least the 1970's and the beginning of the Beaumont Society. In reality, some of them are and some of them aren't. In many ways it doesn't really matter though because the object of his affection is himself.

I'm sorry you've had to find this out at such a vulnerable time when you have a young baby. Unfortunately it's not unusual and for whatever reason seems to often be a trigger for men like our husbands.

It sounds like even without this you've been struggling. Have you considered the possibility of post natal depression? It wouldn't hurt to see a Doctor.

Do you know they were your tights? It's just as likely he's got his own.

I'm sorry that he is already making you feel like this is your fault. It's not your fault, it's a choice that he has made. Our exes generally went through phases when they promised not to do it again. This binge and purge cycle used to be a generally acknowledged feature of habitual cross dressers, but now they tend to progress to identifying as trans, there's less motive to purge.

You must be shocked and upset and you've every right to be. Have you told anybody that you can trust?

Sorry you have discovered this. It's an awful shock.
I don't think whether he is gay or not is relevant. This is about whether you can accommodate the possibility of this happening again, or escalating.
From what you say you've asked him to leave and coparent apart but you perhaps aren't sure you want that?

As Tinsel says you really need supportive people around you right now especially with your baby due.

You say you have been extremely insecure recently and he’s done nothing wrong, but are you sure this is the case? Our “insecurities” can be gut instincts (although they will be dismissed by the other party as “insecurities”) and having a new baby highlights any shortcomings in a relationship.

Cannot get over husband wearing women's lingerie. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5046520-cannot-get-over-husband-wearing-womens-lingerie

Related thread.