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Feminism: Sex & gender discussions

Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

174 replies

TinselAngel · 24/08/2023 22:30

Welcome to thread 6.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

  1. You are not alone
  2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
  3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason.


Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass



If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here:



Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

Behind The Looking Glass - Teaser - Lime Soda Films Feature-Length Documentary

Watch our fundraiser teaser here: https://youtu.be/dH4XQ6Ie8O0Support our project: www.limesodafilms.com/donateLime Soda Films' upcoming film titled Behind T...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhAlvw_kAHs

OP posts:
DespondentTW · 11/11/2023 15:49

Wanted to thank those posting. You give hope to those of us who read. This is my first post because I think I have finally had enough. Other half transitioned years ago. It was horrid but I had no alternative apart from going along with it. This settled down and he has been making quite a bit of money out of it. Not that I see any of it. But now I hear he is writing a book. I asked to see what was in it but he refused. This is pushing me over the edge.

I'm posting under a pseudonym and I cannot even say where I am in the country. Other half can appear to be lovely but has a very nasty streak. I could not cope if I was caught looking for help.

But how do you make a break after so long?

LarkLane · 11/11/2023 17:41

Hello @DespondentTW I'm so sorry to read what's happening with you. I'm glad that you found this thread. I'm sure you know that women who have been in your postion will be along to advise and support. @TinselAngel will pick up your post and reply. Just wanted you to know that you have been heard and we care. Flowers

Mommyisnotsilent · 11/11/2023 22:52

I have a therapist that I see once a week. My family is somewhat supportive. Meaning, they understand what I am going through is unfair and utter BS but they don't really want to talk about it. I have friends but they're going through their own stuff right now and they live in different states. There's a group that meets about twice a month that I'm going to try. However, I don't know if it's going to be beneficial to me. It's an umbrella group for trauma. I'm going with an open mind... Or ah at least trying to work up the courage to go. Right now, I'm dealing with some pretty harsh words from my ex. Why? It's a holiday... If you know, you know. Sigh. Thank you all for your replies and assistance.

socialworker222 · 12/11/2023 06:47

Welcome Despondent. Sorry to hear you're feeling this way
For starters it's perfectly possible to seek support and network without detection. Many of us have difficult exes and/or jobs that require us to hide on this issue.
As someone who got out very quickly (also has its downsides), I can't imagine having stayed. I guess you need to remember that people split up after years together for lots of reasons and you are not compelled to stay with him. What stops you? Children? Money? Disrupting the status quo?

socialworker222 · 12/11/2023 06:50

Mommy I hope the therapist is helpful and professionally neutral (they all should be but aren't). It must be very hard, and wearing, to be subject to unpleasant and abusive communications. Do keep a record. This is no different from abusive behaviour in other circumstances, but it seems transitioning men believe the normal rules don't apply to them.

TinselAngel · 18/11/2023 12:51

DespondentTW · 11/11/2023 15:49

Wanted to thank those posting. You give hope to those of us who read. This is my first post because I think I have finally had enough. Other half transitioned years ago. It was horrid but I had no alternative apart from going along with it. This settled down and he has been making quite a bit of money out of it. Not that I see any of it. But now I hear he is writing a book. I asked to see what was in it but he refused. This is pushing me over the edge.

I'm posting under a pseudonym and I cannot even say where I am in the country. Other half can appear to be lovely but has a very nasty streak. I could not cope if I was caught looking for help.

But how do you make a break after so long?

Hi @DespondentTW I sometimes think that in cases like yours the trans thing can be a bit of a distraction because you face all the problems that any woman faces leaving a long term relationship. Particularly in terms of finances etc. How old are you and what is your financial situation? I can give you a list of sympathetic therapists if that would help.

I hope nobody will want to publish his boring book. Surely it's all a bit passé now? Maybe he won't even finish it.

If you feel able to post about it, I'd be fascinated to hear more about what it's like for women like you who stay for a while Flowers

OP posts:
socialworker222 · 24/12/2023 08:06

Just wanted to wish you all a Happy Christmas. It can be a difficult, stressful, sad and nostalgic time for transwidows, and I remember all too well our first Christmas when my ex came round to see the kids, gave them awful presents due to his spending on new clothing for himself, and spent most of the time looking at his phone. I'm way past that but the hole in our family feels more noticeable at this time of year. I hope you're all okay and that for those of you going through it now, you have a better 2024 ❤️

PriOn1 · 24/12/2023 11:55

DespondentTW · 11/11/2023 15:49

Wanted to thank those posting. You give hope to those of us who read. This is my first post because I think I have finally had enough. Other half transitioned years ago. It was horrid but I had no alternative apart from going along with it. This settled down and he has been making quite a bit of money out of it. Not that I see any of it. But now I hear he is writing a book. I asked to see what was in it but he refused. This is pushing me over the edge.

I'm posting under a pseudonym and I cannot even say where I am in the country. Other half can appear to be lovely but has a very nasty streak. I could not cope if I was caught looking for help.

But how do you make a break after so long?

I’m not a transwidow, but I did leave a long term relationship after years of abuse from a husband who appeared great on the surface, but wasn’t. I couldn’t face the discussion and pressure I knew he would put me through.

I made plans, got myself into a financial position where I could afford it and removed other barriers (I was abroad on his visa). I then rented a flat and moved out while he was away for a few days.

It’s difficult to know whether I would advise it as financially, I would probably have been better off if I had stayed and gone through all the negotiations, but I saw a way out and took it and I am glad now to be free.

Anyway, I’ll go away again as this isn’t a thread for me, but I wish everyone on here a peaceful Christmas.

socialworker222 · 24/12/2023 15:38

PriOn1 · 24/12/2023 11:55

I’m not a transwidow, but I did leave a long term relationship after years of abuse from a husband who appeared great on the surface, but wasn’t. I couldn’t face the discussion and pressure I knew he would put me through.

I made plans, got myself into a financial position where I could afford it and removed other barriers (I was abroad on his visa). I then rented a flat and moved out while he was away for a few days.

It’s difficult to know whether I would advise it as financially, I would probably have been better off if I had stayed and gone through all the negotiations, but I saw a way out and took it and I am glad now to be free.

Anyway, I’ll go away again as this isn’t a thread for me, but I wish everyone on here a peaceful Christmas.

Thanks for posting. There are similarities with other abusive experiences and we welcome people sharing those. It reminds the wider world that this isn't only about 'gender' but also about men treating women and children poorly. I'm glad you escaped and hope you have a lovely Christmas 🎄

Dadhouse · 24/12/2023 22:27

Just seen my brother, who's exploring transitioning. I followed the texted instructions - not taking the piss , respecting choices.
So his transitioning was off bounds but criticizing my career, he's enjoyed a project I've been a key part of more since I was dropped.
The dog was looking for the coldest spot in the house which is apparently my heart.
My mum's Xmas present to me, a woven basket was apparently perfect for storing sanitary products (I'm 52 , the mooncup is dusty)
He' s sat in leggings, the closest shave since 1990, spent his Xmas money on a lady Zara coat, written a label for chocs my 80 year old mum ordered.
It's just weird

TinselAngel · 25/12/2023 10:16

There's no wonder they get a false impression of how good they look when everyone is forbidden from saying otherwise.

Happy Christmas Trans Widows. The first one after you leave is difficult, but it's much easier than the one before. Xmas SmileXmas Smile

OP posts:
moimichme · 25/12/2023 20:20

Happy Christmas Tinsel, and to all Transwidows.

purpletv · 25/12/2023 21:36

Just found this thread. Hope it's ok for me to join. Found out recently that DP wants to transition (MtF) and feel completely blindsided. It feels like everything I thought I knew is a lie. Have started reading through this thread and it's made me feel less alone so thank you.

TinselAngel · 25/12/2023 21:38

purpletv · 25/12/2023 21:36

Just found this thread. Hope it's ok for me to join. Found out recently that DP wants to transition (MtF) and feel completely blindsided. It feels like everything I thought I knew is a lie. Have started reading through this thread and it's made me feel less alone so thank you.

Hi there. Start from the beginning of thread 1, there's plenty to read Flowers

OP posts:
socialworker222 · 26/12/2023 08:02

purpletv · 25/12/2023 21:36

Just found this thread. Hope it's ok for me to join. Found out recently that DP wants to transition (MtF) and feel completely blindsided. It feels like everything I thought I knew is a lie. Have started reading through this thread and it's made me feel less alone so thank you.

Welcome. It's a terrible, devastating shock. Take your time, keep the focus on you (and your children if you have them) and on what you will need and want and think about who is likely to be supportive to you right now

socialworker222 · 01/01/2024 00:27

Happy new year Transwidows and all our supporters ❤️

Mommyisnotsilent · 14/01/2024 18:38

Hey everyone,

So ex was radio silent after he blew up at Thanksgiving because I refused to let him take our child for more time during the time she has school. He suddenly decided to demand that I find him the times and dates for is Spring vacation possession time. Ugh. (That's the first picture.)

I debated on telling him to look at the final orders and blah, blah, blah. In the end I decided to just give him the answers rather than dealing with the combustion of another temper tantrum from him. Note, I've reminded him of his right to exercise visitation every month and he says, "its' not feasible."

It doesn't matter what the order says and he owes over 8k in back child support.

Second picture is an attempt at a high/low. I wanted to share the image to show that not all love bombs are massive and overinflated. Sometimes they come in forms of small gestures. Like promoting and asking for peace. The second half is an attempt to push my buttons. This message is meant to confuse me. It's mixed signals all over again. Narcs like confusion. I see right through this but narcs seldom change so they don't understand that by healing you may have changed.

This tactic is called a push and pull or a high/low. Another example would be if someone said, "I would love to go to diner with you." (Positive) Followed by a pause for reaction then "We'll have to sit in the back though I can't have people seeing me with you." (Negative)

A judge may see this message and shrug because all too often they refuse to see the bigger picture. I know my ex isn't looking for peace. He's still looking to win some delusion imaginary game where I am a terrible enemy that needs to be vanquished. Our child is not his concern. He has only spoken to her once for five minutes on the phone since August.

Thank you for reading.

Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation
Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation
IcakethereforeIam · 14/01/2024 18:46

It's a common name but you might want to delete it on one of the reproduced messages.

That said Flowers and 'two mothers'! Grim.

TathingScinsel · 14/01/2024 20:24

Two mothers! What a tosspot. Good Greyrocking Mommy!

Flowers for @DespondentTW, @purpletv @Dadhouse & @Mommyisnotsilent

Hoping 2024 brings you peace and freedom (Dadhouse I cannot imagine abiding by rules set by an adult sibling! I’d scrag mine like we were 11 & 13 again before I complied!)

and Gin for Tinsel and Social

TinselAngel · 17/01/2024 13:28

Wow. Two mothers. Your child doesn't have two mothers.

OP posts:
worstofbothworlds · 22/01/2024 19:44

So sorry to butt in... I occasionally lurk but don't post.

I'm a university lecturer and I'm trying to comment on the uni trans policy. I'm trying to make the point that we need to be compassionate to our students who are struggling with a trans parent as well as those struggling with their gender identity.
Does anyone know of an organisation or social media group of trans orphans?

TinselAngel · 22/01/2024 19:56

worstofbothworlds · 22/01/2024 19:44

So sorry to butt in... I occasionally lurk but don't post.

I'm a university lecturer and I'm trying to comment on the uni trans policy. I'm trying to make the point that we need to be compassionate to our students who are struggling with a trans parent as well as those struggling with their gender identity.
Does anyone know of an organisation or social media group of trans orphans?

We prefer to call them "children of transitioners"

This is the groups website:

childrenoftransitioners.org/

OP posts:
worstofbothworlds · 22/01/2024 20:04

Thanks @TinselAngel - that's so helpful.
I searched using that term but only found really poorly designed studies where parents said "my child is really well adjusted now I'm a woman!"

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