Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 6.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for a reason.

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

The main event this year outisde the thread will hopefully be the release of Vaishnavi Sundar's film about Trans Widows- Behind the Looking Glass

If you would like to donate to help Vaishnavi finish the project, details are here:

Please feel free to say "Hi" below, even if you are not a trans widow, to start the thread off.

It is so rare to see them dressing in a plain conservative way in their free time. Its usually clothing that is very body conscious, shows a lot of skin, especially cleavage. Lots of purple wigs, 4 inch heels, thigh boots, things that we associate with a woman looking sexy.

The emphasis on looks is interesting because if they just want to be a woman, you would think there would be a variety of dress and styles like there naturally is with women. But the focus is on sexual attention.

One of the people who wrote the Matrix movies is a transwoman who publicly admits that watching trans porn made her want to come out and be seen because the transwomen in porn were so highly desired and eroticized.

Right now the only person he is concerned with is him and that is probably going to continue for a long time. Most of these AGPs are covert narcissists. Once they rip off the band aid of coming out, nothing can stop the progression of their transition. They will risk their job, family, kids, wife, house, pets, and their own safety to do this.

My point is that you have to stand up for you and your kids because no one else is going to do that. Do not let him guilt you into feeling bad about not being pansexual. He knew when you got married that you were straight. To expect you to accept this is like doing reverse conversion therapy on someone.

The amount of entitlement and gall it takes to spring this on someone and expect them to be ok with it is just stunning, in the realm of them being delusional and out of touch with reality.

‘The amount of entitlement and gall it takes to spring this on someone and expect them to be ok with it is just stunning, in the realm of them being delusional and out of touch with reality.’

I totally relate to this. I’ve been bullied and battered because I’ve struggled with the situation. He rewrote his childhood and teenage years and expected me to go along with it. He left his wife and three young children and expected me to be happy for him.

He now has a transwoman boyfriend and I’m expected to welcome both of them as a couple into my home. After two years I’m still reeling from his announcement and I’m now expected to have two of them at my birthday party. I can’t do it and he’s not happy. He uses the grandchildren as a weapon to control me.

That is terrible. I'm so sorry. How did he rewrite his teen years if you don't mind sharing. Is his father still in the picture?
His new boyfriend is a total stranger he just met two weeks ago. It's not normal to bring someone immediately into your family events like that.

I am so sorry to hear you go through this pain for your child. I dont know how my mother in law is going to cope with this transition of my children's father (I do not like calling him husband anymore). I was saying to my sister in law i cn divorce him but a parent and child unfortunately do not have much choice. Big hugs from me xx

Your lack of empathy for women's feelings really does show what a complete male you are. Bog off.

Thank you for supporting us and being kind. Hope you feel better for venting. Yes it is similar to a break up but imagine they changing their personality and living their life in a make believe world and still convincing the world that they are the same person.

Growing up he has the eldest of three. They were really close, he was especially close to his middle brother. They were happy kids, I loved having them around. The younger two used to fight sometimes but my eldest was always the calmer one, the voice of reason when the other two were fighting. They played a lot with cars, Lego, football, etc. They had friends round regularly and were just completely normal children. My eldest did very well in education. He had plenty of male friends and started dating in his late teens. He had several lovely girlfriends. He went to uni and did well.

According to him, now, he was miserable and depressed. The happy lovely kid who used to say I love you mum and who loved his brothers and who excelled at education didn’t exist, apparently. He’s told me he lied to me and kept things from me. I won’t have it. My memories of him growing up are the true ones. He was a lovely child and teenager. It’s impossible that he was miserable and depressed. His teachers loved him, he always worked hard at school and got good reports. That simply does not equate with a depressed miserable child.

I am expected to go along with this rewritten history. I can’t, it’s my history as well and my happy memories. I have photos of a happy, joyful, smiling child. It feels like my actual son has been abducted and replaced by this aggressive, transwoman.

My brother is a middle-aged agp trans.
My mum and me are feminists and very protective of woman's rights, that hasn't changed. My mum is very considerate of my brother's now ex. She gets no blame, only the usual protective sadness that losing a lovely person in the family for 25 years brings.
Her maternal attitude to my brother as an individual is still very instinctive but sadly, after going through, surprise, support, bafflement, is now in anger since he basically only cares for himself over and over again. He really has become rather unpleasant, picking fights, pushing his agenda at all costs and opportunities.
He is on very thin ice with her now and is too self centred to realise.

It seems like it would make you so upset that he had a miserable childhood. And do you think that's because you would blame yourself? So often moms are taught that our children's experiences of life are our creation and our responsibility. And that's not true.

It is possible that he is rewriting history. It is also possible for youth to look like they are successful, loving and happy but to feel depressed and miserable too. Both can be true. And it's very common. It's part of being a teenager.

Especially for oldest kids, we have to be the family hero and be perfect and look perfect to get validation.

Do you feel like he is telling you that you should have known he was miserable? Like you should have known he wanted to transition?

He wasn’t miserable, my memories of him growing up and thriving are facts. I’m upset because he’s rewriting history. I have nothing to blame myself for. I resent the direction your post has taken.

I understand that it’s a common theme for trans people to rewrite their history.

He’s doing this to justify his appalling behaviour towards his wife, kids and the rest of his family.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Truly. I apologize.

It’s fine, honestly.

I could say I was just trying to help but that's not good. I was probably projecting.

There was a thread recently along the lines of 'stuff I used to like but can no longer tolerate'
The majority of posts were along the lines of 'i used to love binge drinking and late nights but now I don't drink caffeine and the cat and I love being in bed by ten' lots of humour, lots of life has moved on but no denial that the past was a mostly a joyous place.
My trans brother's attitude is the past has to be completely denied. For someone who apparently now always hated rugby - playing, referring and supporting, he spent a good 30 years people pleasing others, even organising group trips.
I think we embarrass him without saying anything because he knows we remember his excitement at getting tickets, timing dinners around matches, his injury sadness then choosing to referee to stay close to the game.
That doesn't fit his new narrative and what if his online friends met us? His new stunning and brave supporters found out we were not the toxic enemy, just long time witnesses?
Theres got to be a new transition script because like infidelity we hear the same tropes and reinvention a all the time from different characters.

Just popping in to say thanks for the wisdom from quite a while back. I do follow along but need to take care with online presence. As Tinsel foretold, the ex now doesn't want to pay and so legal stuff has commenced. I'm just grateful that my children haven't seen him in years.

The rewriting of history that so many of these men do is what gets me most. Sending encouragement to those of you fighting back against those attempts.

I read these posts with great sympathy. How can these men think that they can do what they do scot free?
Bur I'm just popping in to say that the rewrting of history is not confined to these untermensch. My sister, number two in the family, went to therapy for reasonable reasons, and came out determined to persuade her sisters that she had an awful childhood, which she didn't. We looked at each other and agreed we were not going to validate the new version. The other sister, number three, when her husband came back from America, towed through the nose by a very determined OW, had to deal with that woman inserting herself into a life she had known nothing about, and could have known nothing about, but rewrote it to include her. Still at it.
It's obviously something pretty basic in some humans. It's probably the most female thing these apologies for men do.
Sorry for barging in here, but I wish I could meet some of these non-Sapiens and tell them just how they strike the rest of us. You all have my sympathies, if you welcome them, prayers, and deserve to be thought of as truly stunning and brave for dealing with these utter - can I say nutters? Who are not in any way stunning or brave. I think of you all so often.

Rewriting your history is not a predominantly female thing to do.

@TinselAngel I read your story on the trans woman's voices website. It resonates so much like what i am going through at the moment. I am.assuming it is yours. I am begging him not to break our family and choose the path which is goingbto bring us sorrow :( I keep motivating myself by listening to Unstoppable

She has a great episode on the Our Voices podcast as well.

Speaking of rewriting stories, I think that's why my ex ducked down and ran away from me like a child in high heels at Pride a few years ago. It was almost comical.

I was with my queer older teen daughter who didn't want to go alone. My ex was with his latest beard.

My guess is that he told beard number 4 (now wife number 3) that I was a horrible homophobe and that I was hateful and abusive and who knows what else. Because surely if he told a woman "Well I knew I wanted to transition in 99 and I got a divorce in 2009 and could have stayed alone or find a pansexual woman, but I just decided to find a vulnerable very straight single mom with a high needs 4 year old and tell her I was just a cross dresser while taking estrogen behind her back. I lied for 6 years and then came out when I felt like the danger for me was over." I don't think any woman would want to be with someone like that.

My daughter went over to him to talk and he acted like he didn't know who she was, didn't introduce her to his fiancee or ask her how she is doing or say he missed her.

Let's look at Caitlin Jenner. I couldn't watch the biography at the time because I was too raw but CJ claims they knew since like age 4 and hated being male.

And yet that male body was one of the most powerful in the world for years at a time. Does any of it make sense? He also did to Kris Jenner exactly what my ex did to me with the "I'm just a CD" BS.

If you want to talk in private, I'm here. This was one of the most humiliating, depressing, traumatic, abusive, manipulative and depraved things I have ever been through.

It is like trying to stop gravity or the tide. Nothing stops them. There are some who detrans but it usually isn't until they have destroyed their lives and their bodies are breaking down. Or they go through all the surgeries and still have dysphoria and realize they are never going to pass unless its very dark and the person is intoxicated and far away.

It is like they are under some kind of spell.

Error hasn't he noticed that wwn love and play rugby too!

I have pmd you xx

Yes it’s like a cult they’ve joined. And that thing about a script, I’ve heard similar stories over and over again.