Angry with my non binary brother- how to help SIL

[Angrywithmybrother]

I’m a long time lurker on these boards but feel confounded by this recent situation in my own life. I’m thinking just typing it will help.

My brother (in his 40s) came out as non-binary last year. He was quite tearful when he told me as he thinks I’m a TERF and probably thought I’d react badly. I didn’t say much - “I can see why you would want to go move away from narrow gender constructs” or something like that. My parents didn’t say much either apparently. I don’t think they understand the issues.

I saw my SIL recently at a family event and got chatting to her. She basically said that she is devastated by the whole thing. Apparently my brother just announced it to her and their friends at the same time. He has started to go to work and social events ‘as a woman’ now. Dressed in a stereotypical female way. He has also started to repeatedly correct their children’s use of pronouns towards him, even though they don’t understand. If my SIL questions it he calls her a transphobe and a bigot. She said she is at breaking point.

I’m just wondering if anyone has had any luck talking to someone about this and getting them to see both sides. I feel like my brother has been radicalised.

Your brother has absolutely been radicalised. He sounds like a self indulgent prick. Tell your SIL that she's allowed to leave him if she wants to. Ugh, he would give me the Ick so hard.

I think the best thing you can do is try to accept her for who she is and support her and her family as best you can.

This. Absolutely. She doesn't have to live with this. He's abusive to her on top. Fuck that.

You're in a difficult position and I don't think you can - or should - do anything apart from encourage your brother and SIL to get counselling, separately and/or apart. I do feel for your SIL and she is likely to need support - I also think she should leave him - but you are not the best person to give her lots of support or tell her to leave.

Your brother is inflicting a lot of damage on his wife/relationship and children/family and all you can really do is be as supportive as you can towards them without openly criticising your brother and his choices. It's a tough line to tread but can you be as neutral as possible about him while focusing on the impact on his wife and kids?

She needs to get her ducks in a row and leave him asap because it will only get worse and he will destroy her mental health.
Have a look at the trans widows threads on here.

counselling, separately and/or apart together.

doh

This happened to a family friend of mine. The wife is now divorcing her ‘husband’. They (the former ‘husband’) also made a big surprise announcement at a family gathering. The kids in this case are slightly older (teens) and actually think the situation is cool! Their poor mother is heartbroken & traumatised. Especially because of all the lies she was told.

Your poor SIL

he is showing her who he really is - an abusive prick

Are you talking about her the SIL or 'her' the non binary brother?

Your SIL is being emotionally abused.

Signpost her to the trans widows. Its only going to get worse.

OP is supporting her SIL and her family.
its her brother who is causing the damage

Pretty sure that poster was referring to the brother as "she/her" although I would guess the brother's preferred pronouns are "they/them", surely.

Good god your poor family what an idiot and a dominant one at that . Demanding his wife accepts the situation making the kids do the same.

How on earth does one come out as non-binary?

I think OP accepts her sister in law just fine. She's asking how to support her.

OP- tell her to LTB. Those kids need to be out of there until he can treat his wife with respect and put their needs first.

You can support him to figure himself out but the kids needs should come first.

Her? I presume you mean SIL as the brother has come out NB and pronouns not provided.

I agree that he’s been radicalised and your SIL needs to prepare for the worst now. What people do in their personal life is one thing but to not consider the direct impact it has on their families (correcting children who don’t understand and forcing his wife to partake lest she be called a ‘bigot’) is so utterly selfish.

Be available to support your SIL. I’d be surprised if things don’t completely fall apart by the end of the year.

Sounds like AGP and as though declaring himself "non-binary" was just a stepping stone to declaring himself a woman. It would definitely be worth pointing your SIL to the trans widows threads on here/in other places - I suspect he's following a well-trodden path and that the next steps will be similar to what they have experienced too (e.g. some had debt problems due to spending £££ on clothes, cosmetic procedures etc). And yes, she may well want to leave before it goes too much further.

Yeah, Transwidows is the place to be. NB is a red herring.

You see this is why things don't make sense and create confusion and make people unable to communicate properly.
Who SHE is ? So the female sister in law? Or are you somehow now referring to her brother?

Totally agree. I think the pathway is to test boundaries and see how far they can be pushed before they turn it up a level.

It sounds pretty typical tbh.

Non binary people dress how they "feel" that day so if its a dress then it's a dress.

And don't they have modes .